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Hi everyone, my girlfriend (22) of 2.5 years broke up with me (22) about a week ago. The reason being over the past year or so I stopped showing her romantic gestures, attention she needed, I played more and more video games and her love for me was disappesring.

When we broke up at first I took it fine and told her I respect her decision, she was crying and I did a tiny bit too but we ended in general, on good terms. 
 

Then the next day I realized my mistake and how much I miss and value this woman, our ambitions and personality pass up good and I made her laugh a LOT all the time. When she loved me, she really did, and so did I. The problem was my video games addiction which Ive been trying to get rid off for a long long time, that coupled with the fact that our everyday seemed more and more like a routine, especially due to the pandemic. No new activities, no romance from my side, hadnt done sex in months either... disaster. She is an extremely outgoing and socializing person and my staying at home approach really pushed her away hard over time. 
 

The thing is I have an addiction which I am battling, yes, but I also love going outside and socializing and having fun. That is how I won her in the first place, we would take walks and then go to a restaurant and them more walks for 8-9h straight and she really loved that about me, as well as all other things.

 

Just before we broke up she met a random boy online and they texted and went out 1-2 times right before she broke up with me. She was very honest and calm and explained she doesnt have any sorts of feelings and its all 100% friends but she saw that someone COULD give her the attention I didnt.

 

We are still living together so I started going out with friends and being NC since morning till night for the past 4-5 days. After the first 2 when I came back at night she was a bit worried and asked me do I hate her, she really loves and values me and wants to stay best friends just doesnt see me romantically or a spark between us now. She seemed kinda worried Im doing full NC and moving on whilst she wants us to stay very good friends. I explained her to not worry but I cannot say for the future what will happen.

 

So the thing is I LOVE this girl and I have realized to what extent my addiction has lead, its time for this *** to stop and for good. Ive started hitting the gym and gaining weight (im very slim) as well as seeing my friends for 10-12h a day and keeping busy. I really want to get her back and cannot decide what the best approach here is, I honestly think more NC will really push her away and make her have 0 feelings for me since this is how I lost her in the first place. Should I give it a go to show her the attention she needed, spend the day doing fun new things, go back home and cook together and watch a cool TV show or something? Of course in a normal and confident type of way, nothing needy and pathetic. I would love to hear everyone’s advice and thoughts :)

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Another thing I wanted to mention is that no one my age is making the money I am where we live. Finances are not a problem and I paid the rent, food, bills etc for the past 2-3 months. I told her she needs to move out and gave her about mid april. She agrees that she needs to move out and its the best for both of us but yesterday was super stressed out looking for a new place since she is not doing good at all financially on her own. I tried to calm her and said all will be fine but she was acting kind of ***y and cold, due to the stress I presume. We have been living together ever since we met and we even got a cat a few months ago. Ive always done chores, dishes, cooked, cleaned, got the groceries etc. I was a great boyfriend in some aspects but the most important ones of showing her romance and affection, cute gestures and just spending some damn time together, I was terrible....

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Another thing is we have already talked about these issues 2-3 times during our time together, prior to breaking up..... so she has told me in the past about these things and how hurt she is and I said I would fix them but never really thought, wanted, believed I will, until NOW. It just went back to how it was after a week. But this time its for good and Im growing as a person in every aspect. Im still debating if the best road to go down is to initiate full NC after she moves out, work on gaining a lot of weight and getting fit, have amazing times with friends in the summer and just live my life good, and around her birthday in early October reach out to go out as friends so I can show her myself in a completely new light, and do the fun things she always wanted, tell her the fun stories Ive spent and how much Ive changed aftet the dust has settled and she has let go of the negative connections... but will it be too late and the chance completely missed by then?

 

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4 hours ago, addictedproblems said:

. I told her she needs to move out and gave her about mid april. 

Excellent. You gave adequate notice. Is she still dating others? Are you two having sex?

Why can't she move out sooner? Can't she go live with her parents?

Or... are you trying to renegotiate and get back together?

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. You gave adequate notice. Is she still dating others? Are you two having sex?

Why can't she move out sooner? Can't she go live with her parents?

Or... are you trying to renegotiate and get back together?

She is seeing mostly some girl friends and cousin she hasnt in a long time. Will go out with that guy once every few days I think. No sex, for months as well, not new. 
 

She already went to look for new places to move out, her parents live abroad.

 

I tried the first few days but she said the spark was over, everything was a bit tense and emotional. Im still not sure if I should chase and show change or NC at least 6 months then if Im still interested go in with a bang of my new and improved self and win her all over again.

 

She isnt usually the person to hold major grudges and has in the past reunited with old female friends after their relations have went sour, she seems like the type of person to give it another go when some time passed cause she is usually impulsive and emotional.

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4 hours ago, addictedproblems said:

I tried the first few days but she said the spark was over, everything was a bit tense and emotional. Im still not sure if I should chase and show change or NC at least 6 months then if Im still interested go in with a bang of my new and improved self and win her all over again.

Holding a grudge re: her friends and her walking away from a romantic 'broken' relationship, imo, is different.

Yeah, at this time she is NOT into you - she is done.. and this is what YOU need to try & accept - Right now you're in denial. 😞 

I hear of this often...  My partner left me... this was happening, this went wrong - we split.  And NOW you are 'reacting'.. But, is too late. ( You never acted to improve the issue while she was involved with you).  She'd had enough of the 'feeling neglected'.

Now, she is hanging with another guy - she has the right.

You say you are not sure if you should 'chase and show change or NC of at least 6 mos'? No, never chase - respect her choice.

Your mind is all over the place... wanting to do nice things with her,, cook, etc.  No.  You respectfully leave her be now... You two are NOT a couple anymore.

It will take time to sink in.  For you to see reality.

IF you choose to reach out in abt 6 mos, is your choice, but don't expect a positive. What YOU are planning to do and how SHE reacts- does not always benefit you.

ALL of this for you is very fresh and your mind is very messed up.. You are just getting hit with reality now - but I'm pretty sure her planning the break up was on her mind for a while. 😞 sorry.

 

Edited by SooSad33
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Your issue is your lack of communication and your lack of listening. I'm sure she has approached you a few times about your gaming, but thought nothing of it because you never thought she would ever leave you. Selfish personality....Your cried a little bit...what does that say? You can hardly care for her. You are just feeling the emptiness, that's all. If you were so damn in love with her you would have worked your damn a$$ off, communicated to her that you would do anything to make this work, go to counseling, etc. But here you are going NC, giving her a time line to get out, and you have said absolutely nothing to her about how you feel or anything....be honest with yourself. This relationship has run it's course, ran out of steam, has no magic left, not a leg to stand on. It's over, let it go and go forward with your self improvement. Do better with the next one.

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2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

What are you doing about the addiction?  

How do you have time to spend 10-12 hours with friends?  Do you have a job?

I havent started my PC even once since a few days before we brokeup, Im having way more fun working on myself and seeing friends. Yes, 100% of my work is off my phone and takes very little time daily to run my business.

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Your issue is your lack of communication and your lack of listening. I'm sure she has approached you a few times about your gaming, but thought nothing of it because you never thought she would ever leave you. Selfish personality....Your cried a little bit...what does that say? You can hardly care for her. You are just feeling the emptiness, that's all. If you were so damn in love with her you would have worked your damn a$$ off, communicated to her that you would do anything to make this work, go to counseling, etc. But here you are going NC, giving her a time line to get out, and you have said absolutely nothing to her about how you feel or anything....be honest with yourself. This relationship has run it's course, ran out of steam, has no magic left, not a leg to stand on. It's over, let it go and go forward with your self improvement. Do better with the next one.

I do agree with some points you made but on others you are spewing bull***. Yes she has approached me about the issue and Im at fault for not doing anything beforehand - I knew she could leave but for some reason I didnt change at the time, I was being selfish. 
 

I am very strong mentally and not crying like a baby in no way means that I did not love (and still do) this person to HELL. I didnt tell the whole story here, right after we broke up we sat down and talked on the other day and I explained all my feelings even did a very romantic and nice gesture she loved but couldnt accept due to the conditions. 
 

Honestly the other people here seem cool and giving legit advice but you seem like a pissed off guy just trying to hate lol..

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7 minutes ago, addictedproblems said:

I havent started my PC even once since a few days before we brokeup, Im having way more fun working on myself and seeing friends. Yes, 100% of my work is off my phone and takes very little time daily to run my business.

Perhaps, you should seek an addiction group for support.  

What is your job and how do your friends have so much time?

Edited by Hollyj
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14 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Perhaps, you should seek an addiction group for support.  

What is your job and how do your friends have so much time?

Im planning on selling my PC as I have a laptop and I can do work on it but not play games.

My job is an online business that I have automated to run through my phone and my friends are all uni students so now with online lectures they have a lot of time off as well.

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12 minutes ago, addictedproblems said:

Im planning on selling my PC as I have a laptop and I can do work on it but not play games.

My job is an online business that I have automated to run through my phone and my friends are all uni students so now with online lectures they have a lot of time off as well.

Good for you.    

You may also want to consider understanding what brought you to the addiction.  

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On 2/24/2021 at 1:39 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. You gave adequate notice. Is she still dating others? Are you two having sex?

Why can't she move out sooner? Can't she go live with her parents?

Or... are you trying to renegotiate and get back together?

So she found a new place and signed contract, moving out next week. We sat down for one last talk, I maturely and calmly explained all my feelings for her and how important she is to me, that I respect her decision because its 80% my fault.

 

I say 80% because she never had ANY friends and relied on me for entertaining her literally 24/7. Sometimes that felt terrible, I felt guilty if I wanted to go out and meet friends because Id have to leave her alone and she has 0 friends nor hobbies.

 

After doing NC almost exclusively lately (I dont ask or tell her anything but if she asks stuff I just answer in a short and calm manner) she has been getting a bit more interested in what I do when Im out all the time, how Im feeling, if I’ll visit her when she moves out, will we be friends etc. Different kinds of questions, I tend to reply a bit cryptic lol.. as for answers like “will we ever be friends, do you hate me?” I just say I cant speak for the future, right now we need time apart and smile.

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Ultimately, Id love to have another go with this girl. If it will be in a few months or years, or ever, I dont know. What I know is that life goes on and for the time being I need to focus on myself and my issues, improving in every aspect as Im still so young. And if she also grows as a person and becomes a better person, who knows what will happen one day 🙂

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Excellent she found a place. Problem solved. 

Now let go. There's way too much water under the bridge and bad blood.

Moving out is a giant step away from a relationship. Usually the final step.

Reflect, retool and start fresh knowing a lot more about yourself and relationships.

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14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent she found a place. Problem solved. 

Now let go. There's way too much water under the bridge and bad blood.

Moving out is a giant step away from a relationship. Usually the final step.

Reflect, retool and start fresh knowing a lot more about yourself and relationships.

I understand moving out is a major step away, but in conditions like this where both people need time to grow, hypothetically this is also probably the most logical step if there should ever be a chance to reconcile, no?

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4 hours ago, addictedproblems said:

I understand moving out is a major step away, but in conditions like this where both people need time to grow, hypothetically this is also probably the most logical step if there should ever be a chance to reconcile, no?

No. It's best not to even think of it and that's what several members have been trying to tell you. Unfortunately there's too much you've both been through and it would take years for that damage to fade. Addiction and neglect in a relationship are toxic. While you were mentally elsewhere, she was suffering with mixed messages from you telling her you loved her while not showing it or possibly not being present in the moment or living life with your partner. I think until you realize how wrong and how damaging this is for another person, it's best to not to date. Like any toxic environment or problem with addiction you have to focus on your recovery and limiting/getting rid of that influence in your life. Please don't trick yourself into believing that this is a quick process or the idea of reconciliation will happen within months or years or at all. Part of that addiction is downplaying the effects it has on others and this is the same pattern that caused your relationship to fall apart if it ended out of neglect. 

There is hope out there so keep focusing on you and less on hopes of getting back together. This isn't working and she's talking to other men. Please don't stand for that either or ever believe that that is ok either in a relationship. She should have just left and then started talking to other men or making "friends". I'm glad you told her to move out and stuck up for yourself. Move forwards. 

 

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Man... this sounds a lot like my relationship and what I’m going through currently. I feel for ya man. You never really know what you got til it’s gone. Stay strong brother.

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3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

No. It's best not to even think of it and that's what several members have been trying to tell you. Unfortunately there's too much you've both been through and it would take years for that damage to fade. Addiction and neglect in a relationship are toxic. While you were mentally elsewhere, she was suffering with mixed messages from you telling her you loved her while not showing it or possibly not being present in the moment or living life with your partner. I think until you realize how wrong and how damaging this is for another person, it's best to not to date. Like any toxic environment or problem with addiction you have to focus on your recovery and limiting/getting rid of that influence in your life. Please don't trick yourself into believing that this is a quick process or the idea of reconciliation will happen within months or years or at all. Part of that addiction is downplaying the effects it has on others and this is the same pattern that caused your relationship to fall apart if it ended out of neglect. 

There is hope out there so keep focusing on you and less on hopes of getting back together. This isn't working and she's talking to other men. Please don't stand for that either or ever believe that that is ok either in a relationship. She should have just left and then started talking to other men or making "friends". I'm glad you told her to move out and stuck up for yourself. Move forwards. 

 

Ah she actually talked to and saw this guy only after we broke up, she’s a very loyal person and wouldnt have done that. I know I hurt her, took her for granted and neglected her, but from just talking to her right now and seeing how things are I like to believe there might still be a chance after months or a year/2 of time apart 🙂

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What I see is incompatibility..this goes deeper than being neglected. Your dynamic is off because the expectations of what a relationship is to the both of you is of a different preference. I know couples that do everything together, thick as thieves, sharing the same passions/interests, and their social life is hanging out and doing things with other couples. That is what would be more suitable for her.....she would thrive with someone that takes her everywhere and shares everything. You are too independent for that. You need someone who can bring her own passions and interests to the relationship that are new/exciting for you, and both can share but also have a social life/interests of your own outside the relationship. To go and do your own thing, have your own friends, to keep things refreshed between you two.

I myself had what I would consider clingy partners that wanted to be with me all the time, when I'm a fiercely independent person. Lots of avoidance on my end because it was so annoying.

My personal experience, even tho I tried really hard to change that person to suit me or tried to change myself to adapted to them, I discovered there was nothing wrong with either of us, we just were not a good match and that is why it wasn't working.

Edited by smackie9
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5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

What I see is incompatibility..this goes deeper than being neglected. Your dynamic is off because the expectations of what a relationship is to the both of you is of a different preference. I know couples that do everything together, thick as thieves, sharing the same passions/interests, and their social life is hanging out and doing things with other couples. That is what would be more suitable for her.....she would thrive with someone that takes her everywhere and shares everything. You are too independent for that. You need someone who can bring her own passions and interests to the relationship that are new/exciting for you, and both can share but also have a social life/interests of your own outside the relationship. To go and do your own thing, have your own friends, to keep things refreshed between you two.

I myself had what I would consider clingy partners that wanted to be with me all the time, when I'm a fiercely independent person. Lots of avoidance on my end because it was so annoying.

My personal experience, even tho I tried really hard to change that person to suit me or tried to change myself to adapted to them, I discovered there was nothing wrong with either of us, we just were not a good match and that is why it wasn't working.

... I feel like its exactly like that for a lot of the stuff that you mentioned but also a bit different, our MAIN problem was technology as I was addicted to always being on some device. The times I wasnt, we were having a *** ton of fun doing random stuff and going out which I also like. I think me being so young and having almost 0 experience dating was a big problem, I need to grow up.

Did you ever try to reconcile and how did that work out? As I said I’d honestly give it another shot after the dust settles in a year or two but who knows what will have happened until that time. Me/she might have someone new or might not be considering trying again as an option at all.

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Do you really want to be with someone who has no friends or hobbies and is so dependent on you?   That's not healthy and is tiresome.   

Why doesn't she seek out friends or have any interests?   

Edited by Hollyj
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No it never worked out. Sure of course I stuck around..looking back it was a waste of time because I was thinking with my heart not my head. My husband is like me, we are very balanced and get along great. The proof of that is in the 31 years we have been together.

Since you lack dating experience I recommend you spread your wings and date other people/ go at life on a different path, explore your options.

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22 hours ago, addictedproblems said:

Ah she actually talked to and saw this guy only after we broke up, she’s a very loyal person and wouldnt have done that. I know I hurt her, took her for granted and neglected her, but from just talking to her right now and seeing how things are I like to believe there might still be a chance after months or a year/2 of time apart 🙂

It's up to you but I don't recommend it. Like Smackie mentioned you're better off working on yourself and getting to know new people. It doesn't mean jumping to big and serious relationships but it could mean learning to put yourself out there and not letting one or two or three or more years of your life slip past you. 

I think things will be clearer soon the more time you give yourself so don't push for having all the answers at once. I think you're doing quite well. Focus more on being on your own and thriving, taking care of you. Things will fall into place.

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