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10 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

An official matchmaker sets the paying customer up on dates where they see if anyone has real chemistry together.  

The matchmaker uses her extensive network of all the singles in their area (specifically culture based), and she is generally very well-connected and serves multiple groups and families all at the same time, and she gets to know each paying customer personally, so that she can figure out which guys (or women) SHE thinks would be a great match for the customer.

And then they go on lots of dates, usually with the different people the matchmaker has hand-picked herself that seem tailored to the customer.

It actually really works well.  Obviously many only go on one date, but it's nice to have an older, wise woman picking people for you based on your personality, all your likes and dislikes etc.  

And it seems easier for the men in those cultures to find women that way.  All the work is basically done for them, and they just have to choose with woman they have chemistry with.

Yeah it does sound like a good idea and I might use such service later of I really feel I've totally run out of options. I get a fair amount of messages on online dating and can get dates but unfortunately the people are either unappealing once I get to know them (they have issues) or there's just no chemistry.

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My thoughts are that just reading your long post about this guy, I found him to be extremely off-putting in almost every way.  Right from the very get-go, I would have felt like I just want to cut the

Tiny, I have to agree with the others.  It's kinda like doth protest too much. his actions don't match his words.  pressuring you to come over when it was lockdown. pouncing on you and all t

Hopefully. ~fingers crossed~   Sometimes desperate people are so blinded to all the red flags waving around and totally miss all the creep factor +10.

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Thank you 🙂 Yes my job has been  very important to me. I don't drink at work or right before work or anything like that. I do have to drive in my job as well. If it wasn't COVID I think I'd have a better idea of where to go in life. E.g. rehab, to have a baby, etc. I just don't feel secure currently with the COVID situation so I decided not to make any big decisions until COVID is mostly cleared. Which I imagine might be only at the end of this year, if that.

Yes.  I hope you just stay safe and feel ok. I know you mean very well and I know you have a good heart. It’s so hard right now for so many of us. To varying degrees of course!   

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  I hope you just stay safe and feel ok. I know you mean very well and I know you have a good heart. It’s so hard right now for so many of us. To varying degrees of course!   

We had an extremely strict lockdown for six months. So basically the rules were: never leave the house unless to go to the post office, doctor or supermarket. We were allowed to exercise outside for only one hour around our own block type thing. We had a curfew and couldn't leave the house after 8 p.m. That's if you were not an essential worker or caregiver. Even outside going for a walk you had to wear a mask. The premier of my state began to be called "Dictator Dan" for these rules lol

Anyway yeah that was rough for me because I live on my own. No pets and only one friend nearby. I think we had a 3 km radius that you could meet just one person to go for a walk. My best friend was only able to go for a walk very occasionally because she worked from home three days a week, her husband worked from home full-time but they have a 5-year-old and 3-year-old child. All childcare was closed and couldn't visit anyone at all. It was funny because I was going completely mental being alone 24/7 and not working. And my best friend was going crazy being locked up with her husband and kids and having to work from home too. So no break from anything. Both our mental health really went downhill. That's when my drinking got bad and now I'm trying to get out of that habit.

Recently we very suddenly got told we're going into another super struct five day lockdown and my other best friend bawled her eyes out. I didn't cry but my anxiety went through the roof!

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But you don't have to understand.   Role model is the least of it. It's about physical safety of the child and it's about the child not having fetal alcohol syndrome.  For example.  It's hard enough to care for a baby when you're desperately sleep deprived or ill but if heaven forbid you were buzzed or drunk and dropped your child or forgot about your child in the bath, or didn't pay attention to the temperature of the bottle you were giving her, etc. 

I mean, please -you're talking about doing this on your own and having the child not have a father who is married to you or committed to you - so yes you have to be in tip top physical shape and able to be 100% alert especially with an infant and with any small child. 

Forget about role model.  It's an awesome, daunting often overwhelming responsibility.  

^ THIS.  This is the biggest concern of all.  Thinking about wanting a baby right now should be the last thing on your mind.  Your sole focus should be entirely on being permanently free of alcohol dependency.  This can take at the very least a year, probably a lot longer.  It needs full-on, determined focus and cannot be done at half measures, in bits and pieces, here and there.  That doesn't work.  You have to mean it, but like your therapist has observed and mentioned several times, looks like you don't really want to give up the booze.

Nothing wrong with wanting children.  But the words, baby, drunk and alcoholic just don't go together. 

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4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yes but as I mentioned, he said we should go on a road trip together literally as we just met at the singles event. I honestly thought it was just a joke/flirtation. I didn't think someone would want to go on a road trip with someone they very literally just met.

He's the last person on earth I'd ever go with on a road trip!!  Nope, nope, nope.

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14 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

He's the last person on earth I'd ever go with on a road trip!!  Nope, nope, nope.

Yeah, imagine you go on this "road trip" and Mr. I Want To Wait To Have Sex does way more than grope your breasts while you two are sharing a bed in a hotel room.  And you'd have no way to escape.

It sounds like you want to continue dating him despite the breast groping encounter.  Is it because you truly like him, find him attractive and desire a relationship with him? Or is it because you think you're running out of time and prospects?

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8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, imagine you go on this "road trip" and Mr. I Want To Wait To Have Sex does way more than grope your breasts while you two are sharing a bed in a hotel room.  And you'd have no way to escape.

It sounds like you want to continue dating him despite the breast groping encounter.  Is it because you truly like him, find him attractive and desire a relationship with him? Or is it because you think you're running out of time and prospects?

Yes I do feel like I'm running out of time and prospects but I'm not seeing him anymore actually. I told him how I felt about his behaviour and the whole situation and he sent me some texts discussing it. He said if I want to meet again and talk, or if not that's OK too because he doesn't want to force anyone to like him. But I didn't say I want to see him and I haven't spoken to him for four days. I'm not planning on messaging him anymore.

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I agree with the others. My narcissist came on VERY strong just like this with the exaggerated wealth, coming from poverty but his Dad was a Judge. My advice, stay on friend level and find out everything you can about his past relationships, why and how they ended, and if he has ever been married. Something is screaming red flags to me. Been there, and mine was just looking for a free ride and said all these same things. Be careful with one that comes on strong like this. Please, for your own peace of mind. It is not you, and you are an amazing lady. Something is very off with him. Do your homework and get to know everything and tell him friends first and after you are comfortable of course more intimacy when trust is built. Don't give yourself to someone that claims to respect sex, and holds off for it, and then does just the opposite. Heck, do a background of its legal and see what his assets are and if they check into what he is saying. 

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I wouldn't bother doing Intel on him. What for? You don't seem to be particularly attracted to him. I think perhaps you view him as your last chance to have kids. But think about whether you truly want to be tied to him for the rest of your life. 

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11 hours ago, Mel11 said:

I agree with the others. My narcissist came on VERY strong just like this with the exaggerated wealth, coming from poverty but his Dad was a Judge. My advice, stay on friend level and find out everything you can about his past relationships, why and how they ended, and if he has ever been married. Something is screaming red flags to me. Been there, and mine was just looking for a free ride and said all these same things. Be careful with one that comes on strong like this. Please, for your own peace of mind. It is not you, and you are an amazing lady. Something is very off with him. Do your homework and get to know everything and tell him friends first and after you are comfortable of course more intimacy when trust is built. Don't give yourself to someone that claims to respect sex, and holds off for it, and then does just the opposite. Heck, do a background of its legal and see what his assets are and if they check into what he is saying. 

Well to be honest I don't think I'll Google him or anything but somehow I didn't believe everything he was saying. I know he said he has three siblings and due to that his parents were poor and he couldn't have what he really wanted. He gave the example that he really wanted a bike as a kid but his brother also wanted one, so they just gave one to his brother. Maybe he was talking about when he was really small back in his native Asian country (poor country). But his stories sometimes didn't add up. He said his Mum was a doctor and father some high up profession too. So how could they have been so poor he can't get a bike? Also they moved to Australia when he was ten. Australia is a very well to do country and most people here are middle class. Everyone who is a citizen can get social welfare. If you're poor and have kids, you get a welfare benefit per each child. Buy that aside here doctors earn a huge amount of money and his Mum would have made a lot if she was a doctor. Anyway he told that story because he said he really wanted money as a child so he worked really hard and became very well off and successful. But the so-called poverty story actually sounded kind of fake.

Also straight away on the first date he mentioned he used to own three apartments and three cars, but he sold two apartments and two cars because of COVID. One car was a BMW. Sounds very convenient because he's boasting he had all those things, but seeing as he supposedly sold them, I have to way of actually checking if he ever had them or not. And his current car is just an ordinary car and he lives in a tiny one bedroom rental apartment. That doesn't seem to make sense if he's so well off. 

What I think is a red flag is also saying on the first date how much he wants kids and kept selling himself: "I would be a really good Dad, I'm successful and I'm very caring, I love my dog, etc." This is after we only had three dates. I was just thinking, it's almost like he's begging me to choose him to have kids with. But considering he doesn't know me much why does he want to have kids? I felt like I could have literally been any woman with vagina and uterus looll He didn't ask me much about myself probably because he didn't really care. I could have just as well been a completely different woman and he'd be acting the same and saying all the same things.

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11 hours ago, Mel11 said:

I agree with the others. My narcissist came on VERY strong just like this with the exaggerated wealth, coming from poverty but his Dad was a Judge. My advice, stay on friend level and find out everything you can about his past relationships, why and how they ended, and if he has ever been married. Something is screaming red flags to me. Been there, and mine was just looking for a free ride and said all these same things. Be careful with one that comes on strong like this. Please, for your own peace of mind. It is not you, and you are an amazing lady. Something is very off with him. Do your homework and get to know everything and tell him friends first and after you are comfortable of course more intimacy when trust is built. Don't give yourself to someone that claims to respect sex, and holds off for it, and then does just the opposite. Heck, do a background of its legal and see what his assets are and if they check into what he is saying. 

I'm not sure if he is an actual narcissist but it's interesting you mentioned  narcissism because he mostly only talked about himself and how good he is. And sounded a bit fake so maybe compulsive lying as well? I'm not actually sure if he was lying or not as I didn't exactly have any proof. But from my experience people that really are well off don't just boast about it in words. They know they're well off and you would see it from them having a huge house, expensive car, expensive clothes, etc. Which he actually didn't have at first glance.

Regarding why he was never married and single at 48. Well it's hard to know whether just never married seems like a red flag or not. I mean, I never married myself either. Though I have been engaged. I do think it's really hard to find someone and especially as you get older. So that part didn't surprise me so much as all the other stuff.

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1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

I'm not sure if he is an actual narcissist but it's interesting you mentioned  narcissism because he mostly only talked about himself and how good he is. And sounded a bit fake so maybe compulsive lying as well? I'm not actually sure if he was lying or not as I didn't exactly have any proof. But from my experience people that really are well off don't just boast about it in words. They know they're well off and you would see it from them having a huge house, expensive car, expensive clothes, etc. Which he actually didn't have at first glance.

Regarding why he was never married and single at 48. Well it's hard to know whether just never married seems like a red flag or not. I mean, I never married myself either. Though I have been engaged. I do think it's really hard to find someone and especially as you get older. So that part didn't surprise me so much as all the other stuff.

I have very nice homes and cars and its just something you don't speak about. Especially if it is in the past tense, That may mean he has suffered a great loss financially and will be looking toward to you to fix it. Maybe even blame you if his circumstances dont change down the road. Just like the guy I am with did to me. All my fault.

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6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I wouldn't bother doing Intel on him. What for? You don't seem to be particularly attracted to him. I think perhaps you view him as your last chance to have kids. But think about whether you truly want to be tied to him for the rest of your life. 

Well you're right I wasn't hugely attracted to him physically (his face). Honestly though personality and who someone is inside are the most important thing to me. One of my ex partners I was with for 2 years, I initially wasn't attracted at all. We were friends for 3 months before I realised I was developing feelings because we connected so well. So I wanted to go on dates and get to know him more but his behaviours were making me feel uncomfortable. If he had been a really nice guy who wanted to just talk and get to know each other, I would have probably continued seeing him more. 

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24 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But the so-called poverty story actually sounded kind of fake

I don't know... depending on where he was from, his parents may not have been able to make much money.  And most of the female doctors I know even in the US, are not currently working... they are stay at home moms now.  So his mom may have stayed home to raise her three kids (?)....  

 

29 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

What I think is a red flag is also saying on the first date how much he wants kids and kept selling himself: "I would be a really good Dad, I'm successful and I'm very caring, I love my dog, etc." This is after we only had three dates. I was just thinking, it's almost like he's begging me to choose him to have kids with. But considering he doesn't know me much why does he want to have kids? I felt like I could have literally been any woman with vagina and uterus looll He didn't ask me much about myself probably because he didn't really care. I could have just as well been a completely different woman and he'd be acting the same and saying all the same things.

It is really odd, Tiny.  All of that just is very strange.  Either he's not able to relate to women/people well in general, or there's something wrong in his motives.  My guess is the former, but of course I could be wrong.  

I still think it'd be nice for you to take this time to just focus on your own self-care and getting better!  You have to put that first ahead of finding someone.  In the best case scenario, you could find a man who would help you through it possibly, but that's almost impossible.  It's best if you take this on by yourself, conquer it, and then think about marriage and family life.

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7 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I don't know... depending on where he was from, his parents may not have been able to make much money.  And most of the female doctors I know even in the US, are not currently working... they are stay at home moms now.  So his mom may have stayed home to raise her three kids (?)....  

 

It is really odd, Tiny.  All of that just is very strange.  Either he's not able to relate to women/people well in general, or there's something wrong in his motives.  My guess is the former, but of course I could be wrong.  

I still think it'd be nice for you to take this time to just focus on your own self-care and getting better!  You have to put that first ahead of finding someone.  In the best case scenario, you could find a man who would help you through it possibly, but that's almost impossible.  It's best if you take this on by yourself, conquer it, and then think about marriage and family life.

Yeah actually I'm not feeling too good mentally at the moment. I feel like I'm running out of time also to find someone and I put a lot of pressure on myself and kept going on a large amount of dates. They were all not going well and I just got exhausted. The only reason why I put finding someone ahead of anything else was because I too felt like I'm starting to get too old to have kids and everything. It's worse for me than for a man because women can really only have kids until they're 45 or even younger. Still I don't want to only settle because at least as a woman I can just have a baby by myself through using a donor. A man can't do that and I suppose that's where this guy's desperation may have come from. But the other part of the pressure is I need to make a decision very soon if just to use a donor or keep looking. But looking for someone might not actually work and time is ticking away and it's really scary  😞 Still I think if you just settle, it takes away the opportunity to find a real relationship. Even if I have a child alone I still have a chance to find love. If I'm married to someone, that's it and I'm stuck with them. I only want to marry someone I love and feel like that person is my best friend.

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11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah actually I'm not feeling too good mentally at the moment. I feel like I'm running out of time also to find someone and I put a lot of pressure on myself and kept going on a large amount of dates. They were all not going well and I just got exhausted.

😞 You are worthy of taking the time for yourself.  Honestly... you're more valuable than a timetable, Tiny.

You have literally so  many people here who care about you (even if we're distantly connected) and want to see you succeed personally.  And you are worth taking the time for yourself to conquer this addiction thing.

<3 

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1 minute ago, maritalbliss86 said:

😞 You are worthy of taking the time for yourself.  Honestly... you're more valuable than a timetable, Tiny.

You have literally so  many people here who care about you (even if we're distantly connected) and want to see you succeed personally.  And you are worth taking the time for yourself to conquer this addiction thing.

❤️

Awww I'm tearing up now for real. Don't know what to say... I'm so touched. Thank you. 

Actually I do have a lot of friends in real life too and some great best friends. But I'm very attached to this forum. I've been on it since 2014 lol

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