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My thoughts are that just reading your long post about this guy, I found him to be extremely off-putting in almost every way.  Right from the very get-go, I would have felt like I just want to cut the

Tiny, I have to agree with the others.  It's kinda like doth protest too much. his actions don't match his words.  pressuring you to come over when it was lockdown. pouncing on you and all t

Hopefully. ~fingers crossed~   Sometimes desperate people are so blinded to all the red flags waving around and totally miss all the creep factor +10.

37 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Have you met his friends yet? That might give you a little more context. It did for me, when I was dating that Bulgarian guy. All of his friends were Eastern European, all were married, and they were all investment bankers or accountants with high powered roles. They were all wealthy, but it seemed like they had formed their lives that way not because they were materialistic, but because they had been taught to first make themselves wealthy and then to get married and start a family--like steps you're supposed to complete in your life plan. They all seemed to be solid, loving couples with strong partnerships. 

Jibs makes a good point.... Maybe he is just trying to say 'financially I'm good'

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This is epic cringe worthy (my almost 12 year old son's favorite phrase).  And of course it's not shallow to want to be attracted to someone's physical features.  I agree with whoever posted that the first date would have been the last - ick!! A man who wants to take things at a reasonable pace because of his values would never mention it in the way he did unless his date asked for sex too soon.  Because he wouldn't have to -he'd know himself, he wouldn't need to prove anything.  He'd just walk the walk -public dates, getting to know you in every way not just in a sexual way -his actions.  

I think you acted in a very risky way with how much you drank with someone you didn't know well and were alone with.  Are you trying to have an "oops" pregnancy? Or get raped?

My sense is you are desperate -I get it -at 36 I spent a couple of months considering "single mom by choice" - and being desperate plus drinking too much = potential disaster.

Who cares how much $ he spent on you - that was his choice.

I'll give you a by contrast example. In 1995 my now husband and I had our first sort of date -it was lunch during the workday and we were coworkers so I wasn't sure of his intentions.  One of his first questions to me was why I chose our field.  I had a story about that that started from when I was a teenager. It was a fun story.  Much later he told me why he asked -it was very very important to him -despite being a traditional sort and someone who wanted marriage and kids - that his future spouse be ambitious and hopefully passionate about her career.  Not because she'd want to go back to outside work right away but so he could share his passion for his work and so that she'd be well rounded in that way.

Another contrast example.  When future husband and I dated again -round two- years later - he bought me a gorgeous heart necklace for my 39th birthday.  Which was also our first real date after deciding to get back together.  He was at my apartment and he put the necklace on for me and I was ready for that to be our "second first kiss' - but he didn't kiss me!!  We did, later!  I asked him later why he hadn't -he said that it would have been tacky/taking advantage of being so close to me to put the necklace on and he didn't want to affect the moment.  Here's the takeaway in both stories - especially the second -he  didn't feel the need to brag about how much of a gentleman he is -when I asked he told me but he just quietly made the choice and didn't look for "credit" from me. 

And with the first question - he was genuinely interested in what made me tick and he didn't go on and on about how successful he was ---- and he never, ever has -even now that I've known him since 1995 and he's been successful and accomplished since that time and earlier.  He's a humble person, so were his parents who were also accomplished, smart, compassionate people -no horn tooters.  Humble -and quietly confident - beware of those who have to proclaim what a gentleman they are.  Please.

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15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

He was 40 and on the first date he immediately began to say how much he and his family want him to marry and have kids.

I get why all of it would sound a little too much too soon 😕  BUT in general men seem to get hit with the marriage and babies bug all of a sudden, and then suddenly they REALLY really want that.  It's hilariuos in a way, and maybe women get that, too.  But for men, I've noticed it happens for them all at one time, and then they really crave marriage and a family.  It's built into them and the ones who don't get, have to go through a mourning process.

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49 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This is epic cringe worthy (my almost 12 year old son's favorite phrase). 

I don't know... to me it's kind of cute (if it's genuine).  The problem is it's hard to tell if he's really being genuine... you hardly know him!

If he's still like this a year and a half later, he's a keeper and would treat you like a queen!  But you need to wait this out and see what he's really like... if this is just one of those, "too fast, too strong," kind of things.

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15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Also I wasn't sure why he's boasting about his finances all the time. I also began to wonder whether he's exaggerating because he said he's quite well off, but his apartment is a tiny one bedroom apartment and very average. And he's renting that one, he doesn't own it. 

He could be lying, but he also may not be.  I'm sure you've heard of the, "millionaire next door," types right?  The whole reason why they're wealthy is because they don't do showy displays of their money.  They're the millionaire next door, the one you'd never think was actually wealthy.

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11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

He also said he likes voluptuous women (I'm chubby) because they have good "child bearing hips"

LOL!!!  Wow... that would probably have sent me running right there!  These poor guys!  They need some help talking with women!!!!

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11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What I don't understand is constantly talking about all this he wants kids. He was saying all that a lot on the first date. It's OK to say what you want in general but considering he doesn't know me much, what is the point of discussing about kids? How does he know he would even want kids with me? It does sound like he gets basically no interest from women and he doesn't care who the woman is that much as long as she agrees to have kids.

I don't know Tiny, but all these men you're talking about, it makes me feel for them some.

I think I missed my calling as a Match Maker 😂 in their Asian or Indian cultures, a lot of them still use real life Match Makers to help them in this process. 

That's what these poor guys need... they need serious help matching them up to women who would like them and be good wives/mothers LOL!  

 

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Tiny,

Google the guy and see what you find out.  Then if you want to see him again just be sure you call him out on not asking anything about you the last meeting.  See what he says.   Maybe he was nervous, maybe he was trying to hard but at his age I would think he knew better dating etiquette.

There are a lot of clueless guys out there.

You seem like you want to give him a shot so do it.  Do a little research then meet him again for lunch or a coffee.

As a guy I often pay because I asked, I ask a woman out (even on a first meet) I feel I should pay.  If she insists on contributing I usually oblige and suggest they leave the tip.  If the date/meet is going really well I say "You can pay on our next date"  See what I did there?   Lost has some skills once in a while 🙂

On the surface this guy sounds like he is shallow and is all about money and things.  Of course he could be insecure and thinks all he has to offer is what he has, not who he is.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Lost

PS  Are you taking care of yourself?

Edited by lostandhurt
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When they get all gooy like that you know it's a sham. Like I always say, if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. The players handbook here is being use...compliments, talk of finical stability, babies, everything women like to hear, or they think that's what women want to hear....but we have all wised up on that bs including you am I right OP? send him packing.

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Yikes....what did I just read.......

Tiny, this is exactly the sort of stuff where your radar should be going off the scales. So many red flags I don't even know where to start.

First is the financial bragging. Now to be fair some of that may be OK for guys, but listen carefully. He allegedly is all so well off, but just happened to have recently sold off everything. This is con artist speak - I'm really wealthy, believe me, just don't look at my assets because "sudden circumstances".

Second is the standard fare - I'm all about marriage, kids, blah blah blah. Again, look at facts - it's so "important" to him that he is 47 and never married and again come the rational sounding excuses. Con talk.

Third is the totally creepy, how does this even come up in normal conversation, "I'm totally NOT about sex like those other men". This falls right into the "I'm not a liar" and other such lines that should be ringing every alarm bell in your head the second you hear that. Again, look at his actions - trying to force to go to his place and once you do, getting all over you. His talk and actions are not matching up. Watch his actions.

Finally, the over the top compliments and pushing you into feeling like you are in a relationship when you barely met, especially the stuff about the dog and "babe he is our dog" (I really need a shower with some bleach here) - RUN!

Do not speak to him again, block his number and all access. Also, watch Dirty John. These con men exist and how they operate is pretty typical. Do not be blind to this kind of creepy shaite and really....you should have been gone half way through that first date. You are only confused because by your own admission you are feeling desperate and it's clouding your judgement and makes you so vulnerable to predatory creeps.

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56 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Totally oversold himself.  All this in one date.  I wouldn't trust this guy for anything, he sounds creepy.

Yes, I don't buy any of his story or bragging (he might be rich but since he has to brag about it it's certainly not a plus in any way)

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17 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Hey everyone! So about a month or so ago I went to a Meetup.com singles event. This guy clearly seemed into me because he kept talking to me and gave me his business card. He's originally from Asia but he came to Australia with his family when he was only ten years old. I'd mentioned to him it was my Birthday in a few days. I considered messaging him myself but around my Birthday he messaged me through Meetup and said: "Happy Birthday!" I was a bit unsure whether I'm attracted to his face but I'm not a shallow person hardly at all and the most important thing for me is who someone is on the inside.

The week after we went on a date to a bar/restaurant and he was insisting he pay for everything because it's my Birthday. I was trying not to let him do that because he was trying to pay for an entree, main, a few wines and a cocktail for me, which was a lot of money. I managed to order only one round of drinks for us because he wouldn't let me pay for anything. Age wise he's 47 and I'm 36. 

I found that a lot of his conversation seemed to be talking about his financial successes and how he's travelled overseas a lot and things like that. He said he owns an apartment in the city, one in inner city suburbs and one interstate. He also said he used to have three cars, one a BMW. But he said during COVID he was paying too much for all the taxes on them and so on, and he sold two of his apartments and two cars. He also said he owns three businesses and he's the co- owner of one of them. And that in the past he used to be a CEO of a big company.

He also was talking about how he's really ready to settle down and have kids. He said he didn't start wanting kids until he was 35 and after that he just didn't seem to have good timing with women he dated or didn't find the right women.

Another thing he said was that I don't have to worry that he's just after sex or will try to get sex straight away. He said he's looking for a relationship and he's not like other guys and wouldn't have sex outside of a relationship. Anyway so we talked in the bar for about 3-4 hours and then he dropped me off home in his Uber. He didn't try to kiss me or anything.

After that he was messaging me eagerly and we organised another dinner date. Due to COVID spreading in my city though we suddenly went into a very strict five day lockdown. The rules were that you could only meet someone for a walk outside who lives within 5 km of you. And the only person who could come to your place was your intimate partner. So this guy said do I want to come over to his place and just have a barbecue or take away in his backyard and watch movies? I said sorry but I can't because nobody is allowed to come over. I said let's just wait the five days and after that we can go on more dates. He said still come over and if anyone asks just say we are partners. I said sorry but I don't want to get a fine ($1600) and can't we just wait five days and then meet? He said he was worried the lockdown would last longer and wanted me to come. I said let's just wait and see what happens after five days.

Anyway the lockdown did stop after five days and we went out for dinner. It was basically the same thing where his conversation centred on his financial successes and how much he wants to have kids and settle down with someone, etc. He said because his family came from a poor Asian country and were poor even in Australia at first, he couldn't have things he wanted much as a child and so on. So he wanted to be financially successful and he worked really hard and put everything into his study and his career. I did find it a little odd what he said because he said his Mum was a doctor in the past and father had some high up job too.

He asked me what are my goals in life, which I knew was implying do I want kids. I actually do really want kids and marriage so I said yes I really want those things too and to have a family. He also did say again, don't worry, I don't expect sex straight away and I want a relationship and to get to know you first. So basically the conversation was all the same as the first date and I did talk about myself too, but he wasn't really asking many questions about me or my life. I ordered a main meal and 4 glasses of wine and he insisted he pay for it and didn't let me pay.

He was messaging me a lot afterwards and showing photos of his dog who is absolutely adorable. Then on the third date I came over to his place and we ordered Uber Eats and watched a movie. I said this time I'm ordering the takeaway but he didn't let me do it and paid. His puppy was the sweetest and most affectionate little thing. The puppy absolutely loved me and wanted to cuddle non stop, and I adored it too. And the guy could see how much I love the dog and said: "He's yours too babe, it's our dog".

The thing was we started kissing and he said, I'm so horny and began fondling me a lot and touching my breasts and stuff. I said oh sorry, I didn't think you wanted to have sex yet so I wasn't prepared and didn't clean up and shave "down there". He said he hadn't planned on it exactly but he just thought I was so hot and sexy and he was so turned on. I said sorry I'm not ready for it tonight. So he didn't make me touch him or anything and didn't take his or my clothes off. But as we watched the movie he fondled me constantly and slid his hands into my bra and touched and sucked my breasts. I actually didn't even have an issue if he wanted to have sex or do sexual stuff because we'd known each other for a month and it was the third date. I just found it weird how he'd been making a big point on the previous dates that he's not like other guys and doesn't want sex unless he's in a relationship. Then as soon as I came over he began trying to have sex. Which kind of looked like what he'd been saying wasn't true.

Also, yes you guessed it, he kept talking about his financial success again and that he wants to be a Dad so much. He said he's not working as much at the moment in his businesses but he can work more and make more money if he had kids and give his kids everything they want. And he said, "I think I can be a really good Dad because I'm so caring and I love taking care of my dog". 

He also kept saying things like: "I think you're really amazing babe, I like you so much, I just can't believe it. I can't believe you came over and you wanna be with me." I said why can't he believe it and why am I so amazing, I'm just an average person. And he said: "I just can see you're so nice and sweet and genuine and you're beautiful and I really want to be with a kind person". 

The thing is, I do get this a lot, that I'm a nice and kind person. Some people literally used the term "gentle soul". Yes I am nice and I love helping people. Regarding my appearance, yes I am pretty but I'm overweight (not hugely) and I have some acne. I don't think I look like a model. This guy kept saying many times I'm so amazing and he just can't believe it.

Anyway then I went home and the next day he texted me in the later evening. I went to work in the morning and didn't reply yet and at 2 p.m. the next day he double texted me again.

I'm actually being harassed by my mentally unstable ex from 1.5 years ago who is a drug addict. I had to go to the police about it last night but they couldn't do anything and advised me to go to court the next day to get a restraining order. So today I'm going to court. So I told him this and he was like "I'm here for you babe, I can come with you if you want." But I said my Mum will go with me.

So I'm not really sure what to think of all this to be honest. I'm finding all this behaviour too full-on because every date he has been talking about how much he wants to be a Dad and all this but we hardly knew each other. And he's saying I'm so amazing and I know I'm nice and pretty, but he hasn't been asking me much about myself so does he actually really know me as a person?

Also I wasn't sure why he's boasting about his finances all the time. I also began to wonder whether he's exaggerating because he said he's quite well off, but his apartment is a tiny one bedroom apartment and very average. And he's renting that one, he doesn't own it. 

I also wasn't sure whether in some Asian countries it's normal for men to act like this because they have strong gender roles and a man is meant to seem very appealing to women if he's financially secure. A few months ago I went on a date with a man from India and he was acting kind of the same. He was 40 and on the first date he immediately began to say how much he and his family want him to marry and have kids. We spoke for two hours and he basically grilled me like a job interview about all this stuff, trying to see if I match to be his wife. He also did say he's got a good job, owns a nice apartment and has a BMW car. He didn't actually say anything else or ask me anything about me or my life in general. I thought he was really full-on and just wanted a place filler wife and never saw him again.

What are everyone's thoughts on this?

What country is he from?  Asia is a huge continent and the cultures are very different.   

In general, his comments were over-the-top.   He sounds very insecure, mixed with a bit of conman.

Edited by Hollyj
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1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

Totally oversold himself.  All this in one date.  I wouldn't trust this guy for anything, he sounds creepy.

I think she's said it's at least been over the course of 3 dates plus lots of chatting through text, and didn't she say he did ask about her goals in life etc.  She did talk about herself (they talked for 3-4 hours on one of their dates, was it really all about him, Tiny?).  

22 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

So basically the conversation was all the same as the first date and I did talk about myself too, but he wasn't really asking many questions about me or my life.

It IS odd he wasn't getting to know you better really.  

Also the alcohol problem! 

Any man would need to be on red alert with how much wine and cocktails you're ordering on each date (4 wine glasses PLUS a cocktail).  And you know you have an addiction problem already... have you told him you're trying to recover from that yet?  

Honestly, Tiny, he really may be incredibly naïve and not understand the signals of how much you're drinking (alcoholic levels), and how that means you are not ready for a serious relationship (or motherhood) yet, as painful as that is.  You may be pushing good men away, by how much alcohol you drink out on dates.

Don't order wine or alcohol if you can... try to look into the abstinence programs and know you're sending the wrong signals for wife and motherhood by doing that (he just may be really dense and not picking up how much you're drinking OR he's looking to take advantage of you being drunk basically... neither is good).

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29 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think she's said it's at least been over the course of 3 dates plus lots of chatting through text, and didn't she say he did ask about her goals in life etc.  She did talk about herself (they talked for 3-4 hours on one of their dates, was it really all about him, Tiny?).  

It IS odd he wasn't getting to know you better really.  

Also the alcohol problem! 

Any man would need to be on red alert with how much wine and cocktails you're ordering on each date (4 wine glasses PLUS a cocktail).  And you know you have an addiction problem already... have you told him you're trying to recover from that yet?  

Honestly, Tiny, he really may be incredibly naïve and not understand the signals of how much you're drinking (alcoholic levels), and how that means you are not ready for a serious relationship (or motherhood) yet, as painful as that is.  You may be pushing good men away, by how much alcohol you drink out on dates.

Don't order wine or alcohol if you can... try to look into the abstinence programs and know you're sending the wrong signals for wife and motherhood by doing that (he just may be really dense and not picking up how much you're drinking OR he's looking to take advantage of you being drunk basically... neither is good).

Thanks, I didn't read the whole thing. 

Tiny, four glasses of wine and a cocktail!    You need to scale it back.  No more than two.

Who says this kid of crap.   I have known people for over ten years who have not shared as much.   The dog comment was really strange.  .  

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2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

it's so "important" to him that he is 47 and never married and again come the rational sounding excuses.

Good point. My uncle once told me, "Never date a man over 40 who has never been married." He seemed to think that when a guy remains a bachelor for 40 years, he will always be a bachelor. 

But I've never had the chance to test his theory, so I couldn't say either way.

But, who knows. I don't get the impression that he's a con artist because he doesn't sound particularly charming--just more awkward than anything else. 

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19 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Good point. My uncle once told me, "Never date a man over 40 who has never been married." He seemed to think that when a guy remains a bachelor for 40 years, he will always be a bachelor. 

But I've never had the chance to test his theory, so I couldn't say either way.

But, who knows. I don't get the impression that he's a con artist because he doesn't sound particularly charming--just more awkward than anything else. 

What I meant by "conman" is that he is not being honest.  Usually, when one shares so much about their life, something is off.  It is too much and they are trying too hard to sell themselves.  It is not normal behavior.  

Calling her "babe" and jumping on her like white on rice, after proclaiming he wanted to get to know her.  He doesn't sound so awkward.

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He sounds like bad news, Tiny. I don't like the way he pressured you to meet up during the lockdown for five days also. So what if it was a week or two? Why not just go for a walk or do something else not involving movies or fondling? 

About his successes, I think he's just posturing.. you know, fake it till you make it. 

The gushy babe stuff doesn't sit well either. How can he say it's your dog? Maybe he drank a little too much also. 

If you want to keep seeing him, I'd either consider him just casual(sex only) or as a friend(platonic). He's not dating material. Even if he is sincere when not drunk, I think he's a bit immature. I wouldn't want him being the father of my kids. 

I don't think you have to pay him back for anything. He made a choice to pay for your drinks or take you out when you already told him he didn't need to pay for your food/drink.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

He sounds like bad news, Tiny. I don't like the way he pressured you to meet up during the lockdown for five days also. So what if it was a week or two? Why not just go for a walk or do something else not involving movies or fondling? 

About his successes, I think he's just posturing.. you know, fake it till you make it. 

The gushy babe stuff doesn't sit well either. How can he say it's your dog? Maybe he drank a little too much also. 

If you want to keep seeing him, I'd either consider him just casual(sex only) or as a friend(platonic). He's not dating material. Even if he is sincere when not drunk, I think he's a bit immature. I wouldn't want him being the father of my kids. 

I don't think you have to pay him back for anything. He made a choice to pay for your drinks or take you out when you already told him he didn't need to pay for your food/drink.

When he said about the dog, we were totally sober. Or at least I was. I actually said I didn't want to drink at all and that was when I came to his house. Actually that wasn't all he said about the dog. He knew how much I adored the dog and he said I can come see the dog anytime. He actually said I can borrow him! Like I can have him at my place and take him on walks and stuff! He even said I could take the dog to my parents house to introduce it to their dog!

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

He seemed to think that when a guy remains a bachelor for 40 years, he will always be a bachelor. 

But I've never had the chance to test his theory, so I couldn't say either way.

I will let you know!

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I don't get the impression that he's a con artist because he doesn't sound particularly charming--just more awkward than anything else. 

He insults con-artists if he is really one.

 

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4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

When he said about the dog, we were totally sober. Or at least I was. I actually said I didn't want to drink at all and that was when I came to his house. Actually that wasn't all he said about the dog. He knew how much I adored the dog and he said I can come see the dog anytime. He actually said I can borrow him! Like I can have him at my place and take him on walks and stuff! He even said I could take the dog to my parents house to introduce it to their dog!

How weird!

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I think googling the guy isn’t a bad idea even if you never see him again.  Then you can see what is lurking there about him. 
 


 

I have found out a lot about prospective dates by googling. I’ve found some already married or with a significant other. Drug or other felony charges. Or using a fake name.

 

The stuff you could find on him I’m sure will be good to know. I’m not saying he’s a criminal. But you can see if he’s at least legit. 
 

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2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

He doesn't sound so awkward.

I would find him very awkward!! It's almost a comedy routine!

2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

What I meant by "conman" is that he is not being honest.

Well, maybe he is, maybe he isn't. She should be taking anything he says with a grain of salt at this point, anyway. 

You can see this guy coming from a mile away. He's not very subtle, and I wouldn't be surprised if finer nuances bounced right off of his head. If she likes him she'll just need some good, strong boundaries.

IF she likes him.

If he's pressing her to make out or have sex, she can stop him and hold him to his word: "You said you wanted to get to know me first. I'd like to get to know you, too. Let's hold off on this stuff for a while." It'll be easy enough to see whether he meant what he said. 

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