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Hey everyone! So about a month or so ago I went to a Meetup.com singles event. This guy clearly seemed into me because he kept talking to me and gave me his business card. He's originally from Asia but he came to Australia with his family when he was only ten years old. I'd mentioned to him it was my Birthday in a few days. I considered messaging him myself but around my Birthday he messaged me through Meetup and said: "Happy Birthday!" I was a bit unsure whether I'm attracted to his face but I'm not a shallow person hardly at all and the most important thing for me is who someone is on the inside.

The week after we went on a date to a bar/restaurant and he was insisting he pay for everything because it's my Birthday. I was trying not to let him do that because he was trying to pay for an entree, main, a few wines and a cocktail for me, which was a lot of money. I managed to order only one round of drinks for us because he wouldn't let me pay for anything. Age wise he's 47 and I'm 36. 

I found that a lot of his conversation seemed to be talking about his financial successes and how he's travelled overseas a lot and things like that. He said he owns an apartment in the city, one in inner city suburbs and one interstate. He also said he used to have three cars, one a BMW. But he said during COVID he was paying too much for all the taxes on them and so on, and he sold two of his apartments and two cars. He also said he owns three businesses and he's the co- owner of one of them. And that in the past he used to be a CEO of a big company.

He also was talking about how he's really ready to settle down and have kids. He said he didn't start wanting kids until he was 35 and after that he just didn't seem to have good timing with women he dated or didn't find the right women.

Another thing he said was that I don't have to worry that he's just after sex or will try to get sex straight away. He said he's looking for a relationship and he's not like other guys and wouldn't have sex outside of a relationship. Anyway so we talked in the bar for about 3-4 hours and then he dropped me off home in his Uber. He didn't try to kiss me or anything.

After that he was messaging me eagerly and we organised another dinner date. Due to COVID spreading in my city though we suddenly went into a very strict five day lockdown. The rules were that you could only meet someone for a walk outside who lives within 5 km of you. And the only person who could come to your place was your intimate partner. So this guy said do I want to come over to his place and just have a barbecue or take away in his backyard and watch movies? I said sorry but I can't because nobody is allowed to come over. I said let's just wait the five days and after that we can go on more dates. He said still come over and if anyone asks just say we are partners. I said sorry but I don't want to get a fine ($1600) and can't we just wait five days and then meet? He said he was worried the lockdown would last longer and wanted me to come. I said let's just wait and see what happens after five days.

Anyway the lockdown did stop after five days and we went out for dinner. It was basically the same thing where his conversation centred on his financial successes and how much he wants to have kids and settle down with someone, etc. He said because his family came from a poor Asian country and were poor even in Australia at first, he couldn't have things he wanted much as a child and so on. So he wanted to be financially successful and he worked really hard and put everything into his study and his career. I did find it a little odd what he said because he said his Mum was a doctor in the past and father had some high up job too.

He asked me what are my goals in life, which I knew was implying do I want kids. I actually do really want kids and marriage so I said yes I really want those things too and to have a family. He also did say again, don't worry, I don't expect sex straight away and I want a relationship and to get to know you first. So basically the conversation was all the same as the first date and I did talk about myself too, but he wasn't really asking many questions about me or my life. I ordered a main meal and 4 glasses of wine and he insisted he pay for it and didn't let me pay.

He was messaging me a lot afterwards and showing photos of his dog who is absolutely adorable. Then on the third date I came over to his place and we ordered Uber Eats and watched a movie. I said this time I'm ordering the takeaway but he didn't let me do it and paid. His puppy was the sweetest and most affectionate little thing. The puppy absolutely loved me and wanted to cuddle non stop, and I adored it too. And the guy could see how much I love the dog and said: "He's yours too babe, it's our dog".

The thing was we started kissing and he said, I'm so horny and began fondling me a lot and touching my breasts and stuff. I said oh sorry, I didn't think you wanted to have sex yet so I wasn't prepared and didn't clean up and shave "down there". He said he hadn't planned on it exactly but he just thought I was so hot and sexy and he was so turned on. I said sorry I'm not ready for it tonight. So he didn't make me touch him or anything and didn't take his or my clothes off. But as we watched the movie he fondled me constantly and slid his hands into my bra and touched and sucked my breasts. I actually didn't even have an issue if he wanted to have sex or do sexual stuff because we'd known each other for a month and it was the third date. I just found it weird how he'd been making a big point on the previous dates that he's not like other guys and doesn't want sex unless he's in a relationship. Then as soon as I came over he began trying to have sex. Which kind of looked like what he'd been saying wasn't true.

Also, yes you guessed it, he kept talking about his financial success again and that he wants to be a Dad so much. He said he's not working as much at the moment in his businesses but he can work more and make more money if he had kids and give his kids everything they want. And he said, "I think I can be a really good Dad because I'm so caring and I love taking care of my dog". 

He also kept saying things like: "I think you're really amazing babe, I like you so much, I just can't believe it. I can't believe you came over and you wanna be with me." I said why can't he believe it and why am I so amazing, I'm just an average person. And he said: "I just can see you're so nice and sweet and genuine and you're beautiful and I really want to be with a kind person". 

The thing is, I do get this a lot, that I'm a nice and kind person. Some people literally used the term "gentle soul". Yes I am nice and I love helping people. Regarding my appearance, yes I am pretty but I'm overweight (not hugely) and I have some acne. I don't think I look like a model. This guy kept saying many times I'm so amazing and he just can't believe it.

Anyway then I went home and the next day he texted me in the later evening. I went to work in the morning and didn't reply yet and at 2 p.m. the next day he double texted me again.

I'm actually being harassed by my mentally unstable ex from 1.5 years ago who is a drug addict. I had to go to the police about it last night but they couldn't do anything and advised me to go to court the next day to get a restraining order. So today I'm going to court. So I told him this and he was like "I'm here for you babe, I can come with you if you want." But I said my Mum will go with me.

So I'm not really sure what to think of all this to be honest. I'm finding all this behaviour too full-on because every date he has been talking about how much he wants to be a Dad and all this but we hardly knew each other. And he's saying I'm so amazing and I know I'm nice and pretty, but he hasn't been asking me much about myself so does he actually really know me as a person?

Also I wasn't sure why he's boasting about his finances all the time. I also began to wonder whether he's exaggerating because he said he's quite well off, but his apartment is a tiny one bedroom apartment and very average. And he's renting that one, he doesn't own it. 

I also wasn't sure whether in some Asian countries it's normal for men to act like this because they have strong gender roles and a man is meant to seem very appealing to women if he's financially secure. A few months ago I went on a date with a man from India and he was acting kind of the same. He was 40 and on the first date he immediately began to say how much he and his family want him to marry and have kids. We spoke for two hours and he basically grilled me like a job interview about all this stuff, trying to see if I match to be his wife. He also did say he's got a good job, owns a nice apartment and has a BMW car. He didn't actually say anything else or ask me anything about me or my life in general. I thought he was really full-on and just wanted a place filler wife and never saw him again.

What are everyone's thoughts on this?

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My thoughts are that just reading your long post about this guy, I found him to be extremely off-putting in almost every way.  Right from the very get-go, I would have felt like I just want to cut the

Tiny, I have to agree with the others.  It's kinda like doth protest too much. his actions don't match his words.  pressuring you to come over when it was lockdown. pouncing on you and all t

Hopefully. ~fingers crossed~   Sometimes desperate people are so blinded to all the red flags waving around and totally miss all the creep factor +10.

8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I found that a lot of his conversation seemed to be talking about his financial successes and how he's travelled overseas a lot and things like that. He said he owns an apartment in the city, one in inner city suburbs and one interstate. He also said he used to have three cars, one a BMW. But he said during COVID he was paying too much for all the taxes on them and so on, and he sold two of his apartments and two cars. He also said he owns three businesses and he's the co- owner of one of them. And that in the past he used to be a CEO of a big company.

Anyway the lockdown did stop after five days and we went out for dinner. It was basically the same thing where his conversation centred on his financial successes and how much he wants to have kids and settle down with someone, etc. 

 He also did say again, don't worry I don't expect sex straight away and I want a relationship and to get to know you first.

The thing was we started kissing and he said, I'm so horny and began fondling me a lot and touching my breasts and stuff.  I just found it weird how he'd been making a big point on the previous dates that he's not like other guys and doesn't want sex unless he's in a relationship. Then as soon as I came over he began trying to have sex. Which kind of looked like what he'd been saying wasn't true.

What are everyone's thoughts on this?

My thoughts are that just reading your long post about this guy, I found him to be extremely off-putting in almost every way.  Right from the very get-go, I would have felt like I just want to cut the date short and leave.  Something just very very "off" about this guy (imo).  Ugh.    My spidey-senses are screaming, lol.  I'd head for the hills so fast and never look back, but I'm weird that way.  

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I call utter BS on everything he tells you! This guy screams ‘ulterior motives’.  Someone that has to constantly brag about money and how respectful they are is really an insecure individual.  He’s trying to impress you and to be honest he’s coming off off putting and I don’t even know him.  
 

I think you are very kind to give him a chance because I don’t think many woman do.  I think he’s tried pulling this same act on many other different woman. 
 

I feel you should cut him off.  This guy is a dud! 
 

 

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Tiny, I have to agree with the others. 

It's kinda like doth protest too much.

his actions don't match his words.  pressuring you to come over when it was lockdown. pouncing on you and all the pawing.

He might have a hard time getting women.  And you do have a point about the cultural differences.  Could that be part of it? yes. but it's a little too off. you know. 

I feel like if you sleep with him, he will cool his jets. I don't like the lack of interest in you. 

sometimes when we like someone we can't stop talking, because we're trying to make the person like us.  So it's not always that they're so self centered. but there should be questions for you, especially after the first date... unless he is just looking for a warm body. 

Move on... your gut is telling you something. 

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I say he OVER did it.  Whollay :O 

Tone it down man!  And as mentioned... was all about him.

Too much.. I dont find this guy real, or impressive :/ 

You just don't 'sell yourself' this way.

 

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3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

My thoughts are that just reading your long post about this guy, I found him to be extremely off-putting in almost every way.  Right from the very get-go, I would have felt like I just want to cut the date short and leave.  Something just very very "off" about this guy (imo).  Ugh.    My spidey-senses are screaming, lol.  I'd head for the hills so fast and never look back, but I'm weird that way.  

Well, look I'm not going to lie Cap3, I'm starting to get kinda desperate myself. I'm 36 and I really do want kids and marriage. Or in the very least kids. I've had a few long term relationships but nobody ever wanted to marry me and have children. Except my ex I was with for two years and we were engaged and booked the wedding. But he has severe depression and anxiety and things really went from bad to worse when he became a drug addict. 

Obviously COVID has really slowed down my chances of finding anyone as well. I went on quite a few dates at the start of 2020 which went nowhere. Since quarantine eased off in November 2020 I've also gone on quite a number of dates. I'm actually not finding that many people who want kids in general, only a small number of people did. And the ones that did were really unsuitable. Like for example one man who said he has serious mental illness but he didn't want any treatment, so he was put on a legal medical treatment order. And that recently he was homeless just living in his car. He didn't work and was on a disability pension.

So I'm very conscious of the fact that my age is getting older and it's also extremely difficult to find anyone decent. However of course that doesn't mean I should just settle for any person. In particular as I'm not really sure whether everything this guy has told me is 100% true. 

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2 hours ago, limichelle said:

I call utter BS on everything he tells you! This guy screams ‘ulterior motives’.  Someone that has to constantly brag about money and how respectful they are is really an insecure individual.  He’s trying to impress you and to be honest he’s coming off off putting and I don’t even know him.  
 

I think you are very kind to give him a chance because I don’t think many woman do.  I think he’s tried pulling this same act on many other different woman. 
 

I feel you should cut him off.  This guy is a dud! 
 

 

Well one thing I wasn't sure about is whether he doesn't get that many interested because he's not an attractive guy. He's very average or below average. So I thought maybe because he's originally from Asia, he thought a man can also be attractive to women if he's well off and wants to provide for his family and things like that. Maybe he hasn't had many women interested or lost interest in him quickly, so he's desperate to keep the interest going by boasting about his wealth.

You are absolutely right though that people that are not after sex don't actually feel the need to say anything about it. They just act normal and don't try to get sex. Even before I came over and he started trying sexual stuff, I was thinking why does he keep saying he's not after sex. Because just not being after sex doesn't make him any more special than anyone else. Especially because not all men just want sex, many want dating and relationships and also wouldn't try to just have sex. So he's not unique or anything.

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My main thing id be wary of is his lack of curiosity about you as a person. Maybe ask him about it next time ‘I’m interested in you but I find it off putting that you don’t really seem curious about me’ 

There was an Indian I went on a few dates with who didn’t ask me and I said at the end of the first date that my interest was piqued but the lack of curiosity about me was disconcerting. The second date we had he did ask me more questions and I felt like the flow of conversation that date was really good. Third date he was back to talking at me. It subsequently fizzled. 

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2 hours ago, Lambert said:

Tiny, I have to agree with the others. 

It's kinda like doth protest too much.

his actions don't match his words.  pressuring you to come over when it was lockdown. pouncing on you and all the pawing.

He might have a hard time getting women.  And you do have a point about the cultural differences.  Could that be part of it? yes. but it's a little too off. you know. 

I feel like if you sleep with him, he will cool his jets. I don't like the lack of interest in you. 

sometimes when we like someone we can't stop talking, because we're trying to make the person like us.  So it's not always that they're so self centered. but there should be questions for you, especially after the first date... unless he is just looking for a warm body. 

Move on... your gut is telling you something. 

Well just regarding the cultural differences, I must say I have noticed them. When I go on dates with Australian men, even ones my age or older, they're very chilled out and casual. They just want to have a coffee or drink at a bar and just chat. They don't invite for a fancy dinner on the first date and keep paying for everything. And even if they do want marriage and kids, they want them from the right woman, so they want to get to know you first.

I feel like in Asian and African countries it's expected to be married with kids a lot younger than in Australia. Also often the culture seems to be that dating needs to have the end goal of marriage. In a sense, that there's no point to date if the person you're dating won't want marriage and kids. And then of course there's the gender roles that a man should be the bread winner and woman the wife and mother figure.

Last year I went on a date with an African guy for example. I met him on online dating and we only spoke online. We met at a restaurant to have dinner. It was really weird coz the guy walked into the restaurant and immediately began holding hands with me at the table. I found it odd coz we only literally just met. Then after about an hour he asked me have I ever been married? I said no but been engaged. We were both 35 years old. He said he feels he's getting too old and really wants to get married and wished he'd gotten married earlier. Afterwards he literally said he should pay for dinner because he's a man and I'm a woman.

Then I met a 40-year-old Indian man online. He didn't say much in his online dating profile basically except he really wants to get married and have kids. And literally wrote what he's looking for under the heading "key selection criteria"! On my profile I did also say I want kids. I messaged him and just said "hello". He replied saying: "I just want to be straight forward that I'm looking for marriage and kids. So if you don't want the same then unfortunately can't keep talking". I thought, it says on my profile already I want kids...Anyway we went for a coffee and he just kept asking me all these questions. He asked me am I definitely over my ex and ready to settle down, what is my sexuality, when do I want kids, etc. He also said he likes voluptuous women (I'm chubby) because they have good "child bearing hips". Any attempt by me to steer the conversation to some general chit chat topics was ignored and brought back to the whole marriage and kids thing. At the end of the date the guy said: "I was happy with your answers". I nearly laughed, thinking: "Oh, looks like I did well in the job interview and I got the job!" 

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

I say he OVER did it.  Whollay 😮

Tone it down man!  And as mentioned... was all about him.

Too much.. I dont find this guy real, or impressive 😕

You just don't 'sell yourself' this way.

 

What I don't understand is constantly talking about all this he wants kids. He was saying all that a lot on the first date. It's OK to say what you want in general but considering he doesn't know me much, what is the point of discussing about kids? How does he know he would even want kids with me? It does sound like he gets basically no interest from women and he doesn't care who the woman is that much as long as she agrees to have kids.

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28 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

My main thing id be wary of is his lack of curiosity about you as a person. Maybe ask him about it next time ‘I’m interested in you but I find it off putting that you don’t really seem curious about me’ 

There was an Indian I went on a few dates with who didn’t ask me and I said at the end of the first date that my interest was piqued but the lack of curiosity about me was disconcerting. The second date we had he did ask me more questions and I felt like the flow of conversation that date was really good. Third date he was back to talking at me. It subsequently fizzled. 

The reason why I felt concerned is saying things often about wanting to have kids and that I'm so amazing, but he doesn't know me much. So therefore he doesn't actually know if I'm that amazing or if he would want to marry me and have kids. He talked like this on the first date so it's simply not possible that he could know I'm the right person for him.

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I had the exact same thing happen to me. This man is an insecure selfish liar. Please don’t make the mistake of sleeping with him. He reeks of desperation and the fact that his stories about his family and him not wanting sex don’t match up with his actions are a huge red flag. A secure man doesn’t go blabbing about his money and talk kids right off the bat. He sounds grotesque and deceptive. Also the babe calling thing is gross and off-putting. He should be engaging you in meaningful conversation to get to know you, not lying his way into your pants. You deserve better. 

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

What I don't understand is constantly talking about all this he wants kids. He was saying all that a lot on the first date. It's OK to say what you want in general but considering he doesn't know me much, what is the point of discussing about kids? How does he know he would even want kids with me? It does sound like he gets basically no interest from women and he doesn't care who the woman is that much as long as she agrees to have kids.

Exactly.  One just doesn't 'normally' do that.

Who knows - for what reason he's acting out like this... He's not acting right. (red flag?)

And ALL that stuff about HIM and HIS life/past- Over doing how well he's done (like WHY must you explain about all of your cars.. your 3 homes/ having to sell.. etc)  Too much.

Normally when a couple meets.. maybe over a coffee, and chat about their work... kids? Friends?  job?  Interests? - Just miminal 'basics'.

If this is how he is, no wonder he's single & struggling?

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1 hour ago, Unsure2021 said:

I had the exact same thing happen to me. This man is an insecure selfish liar. Please don’t make the mistake of sleeping with him. He reeks of desperation and the fact that his stories about his family and him not wanting sex don’t match up with his actions are a huge red flag. A secure man doesn’t go blabbing about his money and talk kids right off the bat. He sounds grotesque and deceptive. Also the babe calling thing is gross and off-putting. He should be engaging you in meaningful conversation to get to know you, not lying his way into your pants. You deserve better. 

Oh so what happened to you? I'm just curious! How did you handle it?

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Also I'm just wondering, if I wanted to end it with him, I know I probably shouldn't, but I feel guilty that he spent a lot of money on me. I know I never asked him to do it and tried to pay for myself but he really did spend a lot. The first date maybe $70 or so and second date about $60. And third date not as much but at least $20. I just don't want to feel obliged so should I offer to pay him back some money?

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4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well, look I'm not going to lie Cap3, I'm starting to get kinda desperate myself. I'm 36 and I really do want kids and marriage. Or in the very least kids..

So I'm very conscious of the fact that my age is getting older and it's also extremely difficult to find anyone decent. However of course that doesn't mean I should just settle for any person. In particular as I'm not really sure whether everything this guy has told me is 100% true. 

Oh, thank heavens!  For a moment I thought you were going to say due to your desperation you'll be willing to get pregnant with this sleaze/total stranger.  Yikes.  Please, please, never settle just because you're desperate.  

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43 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Also I'm just wondering, if I wanted to end it with him, I know I probably shouldn't, but I feel guilty that he spent a lot of money on me. I know I never asked him to do it and tried to pay for myself but he really did spend a lot. The first date maybe $70 or so and second date about $60. And third date not as much but at least $20. I just don't want to feel obliged so should I offer to pay him back some money?

It is what it is.  He insisted on paying (probably to impress you so that he could get sex) and it's done and dusted now.   If you want to end it, there are two ways:  1) .. Tell him, "thanks, but no thanks.  It's not working for me".   OR ..2) ... Just disappear/block.

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19 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Oh, thank heavens!  For a moment I thought you were going to say due to your desperation you'll be willing to get pregnant with this sleaze/total stranger.  Yikes.  Please, please, never settle just because you're desperate.  

Well I'm not desperate to that degree but may be getting there lol If you really just can't find anyone and you're 36 and really want kids it just starts to feel scary.

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18 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

It is what it is.  He insisted on paying (probably to impress you so that he could get sex) and it's done and dusted now.   If you want to end it, there are two ways:  1) .. Tell him, "thanks, but no thanks.  It's not working for me".   OR ..2) ... Just disappear/block.

So you don't actually think I should offer to pay back?

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9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I also wasn't sure whether in some Asian countries it's normal for men to act like this because they have strong gender roles and a man is meant to seem very appealing to women if he's financially secure.

It certainly could be a cultural thing. I dated a guy about 10 years ago who was very much like this. But he was from Eastern Europe, not Asia. But yeah, it was cultural. He wasn't a creep or a jerk or anything. But he had his life in order and he was looking to get married. 

It's really your call. If you like him, keep seeing him. But take your time, and don't let him pressure you into anything (sex, relationship, whatever).

If you don't like him, stop seeing him. 

I don't think you should worry about paying him back, since you'd already offered to pay all of those times. He doesn't want your money.

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12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Also I wasn't sure why he's boasting about his finances all the time.

Have you met his friends yet? That might give you a little more context. It did for me, when I was dating that Bulgarian guy. All of his friends were Eastern European, all were married, and they were all investment bankers or accountants with high powered roles. They were all wealthy, but it seemed like they had formed their lives that way not because they were materialistic, but because they had been taught to first make themselves wealthy and then to get married and start a family--like steps you're supposed to complete in your life plan. They all seemed to be solid, loving couples with strong partnerships. 

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9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well just regarding the cultural differences, I must say I have noticed them. When I go on dates with Australian men, even ones my age or older, they're very chilled out and casual. They just want to have a coffee or drink at a bar and just chat. They don't invite for a fancy dinner on the first date and keep paying for everything. And even if they do want marriage and kids, they want them from the right woman, so they want to get to know you first.

I feel like in Asian and African countries it's expected to be married with kids a lot younger than in Australia. Also often the culture seems to be that dating needs to have the end goal of marriage. In a sense, that there's no point to date if the person you're dating won't want marriage and kids. And then of course there's the gender roles that a man should be the bread winner and woman the wife and mother figure.

Last year I went on a date with an African guy for example. I met him on online dating and we only spoke online. We met at a restaurant to have dinner. It was really weird coz the guy walked into the restaurant and immediately began holding hands with me at the table. I found it odd coz we only literally just met. Then after about an hour he asked me have I ever been married? I said no but been engaged. We were both 35 years old. He said he feels he's getting too old and really wants to get married and wished he'd gotten married earlier. Afterwards he literally said he should pay for dinner because he's a man and I'm a woman.

Then I met a 40-year-old Indian man online. He didn't say much in his online dating profile basically except he really wants to get married and have kids. And literally wrote what he's looking for under the heading "key selection criteria"! On my profile I did also say I want kids. I messaged him and just said "hello". He replied saying: "I just want to be straight forward that I'm looking for marriage and kids. So if you don't want the same then unfortunately can't keep talking". I thought, it says on my profile already I want kids...Anyway we went for a coffee and he just kept asking me all these questions. He asked me am I definitely over my ex and ready to settle down, what is my sexuality, when do I want kids, etc. He also said he likes voluptuous women (I'm chubby) because they have good "child bearing hips". Any attempt by me to steer the conversation to some general chit chat topics was ignored and brought back to the whole marriage and kids thing. At the end of the date the guy said: "I was happy with your answers". I nearly laughed, thinking: "Oh, looks like I did well in the job interview and I got the job!" 

I totally get what you're saying.  I have some colleagues from India and marriage, kids, family, is very transactional. And all the things we in the west, (is down under west? 😆) look for first- attraction, chemistry, companionship, friendship etc are not that important.  or so it seems.  

On the positive side- you're getting out, meeting guys... its ok to reject them. 

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