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Hi

I've never shared anything on a forum before but feel I need advice. 

Me and my girlfriend have been together 2 years and its mostly been great.

We make each other laugh and have fun..our sex life is good and we do a lot for each other. The thing that lets down our relationship is i have caught her lying a few times throughout our relationship. She's lied to me about where she has gone and whos she's been with. 

I noticed her stories wouldn't add up and could almost sense i was being lied to..I did a terrible thing once and went on her phone without her permission only to find my fears were true. 

The more she lied the more I'd keep an eye on her. I guess the more I'd question things the more overbearing I would come across. As soon as I found out something I would challenge her on it and we would argue. She feels im too possessive which is why she lies. I tell her to stop lying and we can regain the trust

We moved past it as hard as that was and the past year has been great and drama free. We've even bought a house together. Weve been so excited for our life together

Well I've caught her lying to me again..

And now we have a mortgage...I don't want to be with someone who can't be honest and I don't want to be worrying what my partner is up to. But I would also love for her to realise what we have together. 

We've only just got our mortgage but I already feel like I want to leave 

I need some guidance 

Edited by Aff92
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  • Aff92 changed the title to Trust and next steps

What fears? Has she been cheating on you? You are being very vague here about the actual issues.

If you are being possessive and will pitch all kinds of drama because she had lunch with a guy friend, then yes, you are putting her in a position where she will lie in order to avoid drama and accusations with you.

However, if you did catch her cheating before....you should have dumped her instead of getting a mortgage. Once a cheater, always a cheater and you walked into that mortgage with full information about who she is.

Bottom line is really simple - see about refinancing and buying her out or her buying you out or sell and move on apart from each other. A mortgage is not a reason to live in misery with a person you cannot trust.

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She would tell me she was going over her female friends house and I discovered she actually met up with a guy. I found many flirty messages to at least 3 other guys. Thats as much evidence as I have. I've never found out more. In my nature, I would investigate and she would tell me im paranoid and psychotic when facing her on the stuff I found out. 

Like I said..we have had a very good clean run with no drama but just very recently I found out she had lied again. 

This is after the mortgage going through. Now I feel trapped 

She thinks I'm accusational and over bearing, perhaps I am. But every time I have sensed something is up I have been proven right. 

I believed that horrible stage was behind us but clearly not. 

Obviously I am with someone who cannot give me the basics in a relationship like trust and respect. 

 

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Why would you invest in a home with someone who has repeatedly lied?  I don't understand, you knew who she was a liar and a cheater.   

Edited by Hollyj
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59 minutes ago, Aff92 said:

. She feels im too possessive which is why she lies. I tell her to stop lying and we can regain the trust

- By sounds of it, she is just a liar. Fact.

I doubt she lies because you are too possessive - did she not lie before she saw you as this?

 

1 hour ago, Aff92 said:

We moved past it as hard as that was and the past year has been great and drama free. We've even bought a house together. Weve been so excited for our life together

Well I've caught her lying to me again..

And now we have a mortgage...I don't want to be with someone who can't be honest and I don't want to be worrying what my partner is up to.

- The past year has been good - but she has a past... So if she has a past of doing something that really affects you I don't know why you went to this point - buying a house is huge!

- You don't want to be w/ someone who can't be honest, then you shouldn't have done this... you know she lies.

As mentioned by Dancing ^ - what is it she's been doing?  Are they big lies?  Is she being bad- or just small stuff?

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10 minutes ago, Aff92 said:

She would tell me she was going over her female friends house and I discovered she actually met up with a guy. I found many flirty messages to at least 3 other guys.

Okay, so for this, you bought a house with her?  😞  - Was obvious lack of trust.. no?

Yah, I guess you regret this move.. lesson be  learned.

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10 minutes ago, Aff92 said:

She would tell me she was going over her female friends house and I discovered she actually met up with a guy. I found many flirty messages to at least 3 other guys. Thats as much evidence as I have. I've never found out more. In my nature, I would investigate and she would tell me im paranoid and psychotic when facing her on the stuff I found out. 

Like I said..we have had a very good clean run with no drama but just very recently I found out she had lied again. 

This is after the mortgage going through. Now I feel trapped 

She thinks I'm accusational and over bearing, perhaps I am. But every time I have sensed something is up I have been proven right. 

I believed that horrible stage was behind us but clearly not. 

Obviously I am with someone who cannot give me the basics in a relationship like trust and respect. 

 

So basically you caught her cheating and she did what cheaters do - lie, deny, gaslight, blameshift and otherwise make you feel like the crazy one.

There is no nice way of saying this but when you catch your SO cheating, you don't stick around for more, you LEAVE them immediately. Unfortunately, not only did you stick your head in the sand and pretend it's not what it looks like, you forged ahead with the relationship and even buying a house together. Why? 

I know you feel stuck, but again, you are NOT stuck. Talk to your banker or financial advisor. Get the mortgage redone in your name only or hers only. End this misery and move on. How many times does she need to cheat on you before you can admit that you've made a judgment error about her and staying in this relationship? Get out and be done. You are NOT stuck. Stop lying to yourself about that.

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6 minutes ago, Aff92 said:

Like I said..we have had a very good clean run with no drama but just very recently I found out she had lied again. 

 

Can you describe this most recent lie?

There is a vagueness to your descriptions that makes it all a bit hard to follow. Was it about men, like those earlier ones? Or something else? 

I'm also curious to better understand how long you'd been together when these early lies happened. Were you completely exclusive then, or was it during that sometimes nebulous period when things are still gelling?

Just trying not to jump to conclusions here, though it's pretty clear that neither or you much trust the other. 

 

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I haven't read anything that undeniably proves she's cheated nor would I like to condemn her as such before having all the undisputed facts. What I do have is evidence that points to her cheating being the most likely outcome. I feel she uses this to her advantage in arguments as I can't just pull up something that proves it

I wish I knew 100% as I would've just ditched her ass back along. 

Because there's always been that question mark and her telling me I'm paranoid I've almost believed it if not holding it as a possibility. 

And everyone is right. I should have acted sooner..but I've always been a big believer that people can change for the better and you should always give someone the benefit of the doubt unless you know 100% otherwise. 

As in regard to the latest lie she told me she was driving to a spot I know just around the corner..5 minute drive tops to meet her female friend for a walk. I sensed something was up in the way she said it so before she left i went to her car and checked how many miles were on there. She drove to this spot around the corner, had her walk, sat in the car for 2 hours chatting to her friend and drove back..this place isn't even a mile away. The next day when we got in the car (she hadn't driven it In-between) I noticed an extra 26 miles on her clock. 

Safe to say we argued straight away. She had obviously driven somewhere and fabricated a story. It always ends up being turned around on me. Yeah the fact I checked the miles on her car is weird..but when I smell bullsh## I'm going to investigate. 

Basically I know what I have to do now. I think its time to part. I can't stand liars and I don't want to spend my time and energy investigating, cross examining my partners actions. 

Everything is a lesson at the end of day 

Thank you for your guidance, I appreciate you all. 

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When it comes to cheating, short of walking in on her, you will never ever have 1000% proof. Right now you already have enough proof. She is lying about her behavior, about where she is and what she is doing. You are again sticking your head in the sand, choosing denial.

Sorry to say this but NO, people do not change. You can choose to believe that and end up with an incurable STD, or you can choose to get your head out of arse and get real and leave this cheating bimbo. Your life, your choice so long as you understand that staying on will come with severe consequences. Stop playing martyr and stop lying to yourself about your reality.

If you need more support and more eye opening check out chumplady.com Perhaps something there will resonate with you and wake you up a bit.

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3 hours ago, Aff92 said:

Me and my girlfriend have been together 2 years and its mostly been great.

We make each other laugh and have fun..our sex life is good

How much do you really know about her? You say you got a mortgagee together? How are her finances?  Do you know her work hours and what she does?

How much do you know about her friends and family? Have you met most of them? How old is she? What was her situation before you? 

Is it possible she does drugs or escorts? Seems weird with a great sex live, living together and commuting to buying a house together to go out dating or prowling around, no?

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I know her finances as we are very open with money, I know most of her friends. I know her family. I know her work hours and have been to her work and vice versa for all the above. She smokes weed but that doesn't bother me as I used to. She's my age, 30. I agree it is yet i still catch her lying. 

She's always been weirdly secretive with her phone..I know her pass code but she keeps her phone on her 24/7 even takes it to the bathroom 

This is probably the way she has always been and probably the way she'll always be. I don't think there should be secrets between a couple. She clearly thinks there should be. 

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I think every relationship there has to be full trust. If you find yourself not trusting your partner, just take it as this person isn't for me and walk away.

The more you keep thinking "give him/her the benefit of the doubt" - there's going to be an internal push and pull dynamic you feel that needs to be resolve. Those needs manifest in to checking their phone, interrogating them, checking their mile logs, etc.

Saying all that, glad you finally realized it's time to walk away.

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You don't trust her and are always looking over your shoulder. She thinks you're paranoid and psychotic. Is this sounding like a person you'd like to spend the rest of your days with? The divide is so wide that you've both started to question each others' soundness of mind.

I think you both have different views and misunderstand each other a lot, communication isn't good and you've started to expect and think the worst of each other. It's so sad and so destructive to your mental health. If this pattern doesn't stop, it will just get worse.

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OP, the simple fact of the matter is that without trust, you have nothing.  And that will never change.

You need to cut your losses now, once and for all. ...... unless you think this is going to be cool living this way and being miserable and unhappy for the rest of your days. It will not change. 

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13 hours ago, Aff92 said:

Thank you. My mind is already made up

Ok, well you've got a lot to untangle. How are you going to handle the house? You can't ask her to leave, she co-owns it.

 

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Since you share property and mortgage, I'd consult with an attorney to learn your options and best steps for each option. From there you can operate on real information instead of emotions alone.

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Yeah people don't change, I learnt that the hard way. And people that have nothing to hide don't keep lying and their stories actually check out. I think she's definitely done some dodgy stuff behind your back, even if you don't know exactly what it is. It's probably a good idea to end it with her.

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