Jump to content

Am I being unreasonable?


Recommended Posts

I am 29 and was recently told by my doctor that due to a pre-existing condition I am not ovulating, and if I want to conceive I will need to be referred to a fertility clinic for treatment. I understand that in the UK, you need to be trying for a baby for 12 months before a GP will consider a referral so I panicked and said we had been trying for a couple of months, which isn’t technically true but I have been off contraception for six months with my partners knowledge and encouragement. I thought the doctor might say that she would check-in in a few months, but she said said given the circumstances she would push for one now if I wanted. I desperately want this referral because being a mother means everything to me.

I explained to my partner the situation but he doesn’t want to go ahead with the referral just yet, but wants to wait until he finishes writing his book, become published and hopefully be more financially stable. He keeps telling me he wants children with me, but because of his writing, he cannot give me a time frame of when he will ‘be ready’. He has said there is no changing his mind on this matter.

I am afraid that if I refuse this referral and wait for him, my opportunity will be missed and I will never have a child. Fertility journeys can take years, and being 29 and having it confirmed that I am not ovulating, I just feel in my gut that now is the time to accept this opportunity and start this journey.
 

Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to compromise and agree to this referral or am I expected to sit back and wait as my dreams go further away?

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can’t compromise on having children. It leads to searing resentment and possible resentment of the child. A child needs to be 100% wanted by both parents. A human life is not something to be compromised on. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
54 minutes ago, Genie02 said:

I am 29 and was recently told by my doctor that due to a pre-existing condition I am not ovulating, 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Do you work full time? Does he?

Unfortunately it seems like your partner doesn't really want children and is using this to stall.

Go ahead with a screening, workup and appropriate treatment for your preexisting condition. 

Take care of your general health first. Also why can't you continue having unprotected sex for another 6 mos. as recommend?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Genie02 said:

Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to compromise and agree to this referral or am I expected to sit back and wait as my dreams go further away?

Yes, you are being unreasonable. 

You cannot compromise on something this huge. It will cause major resentment down the road if you push for this when he doesn't want to be a father yet. You are not unreasonable to want a referral now, but it's not realistic to expect your partner to compromise on bringing new life into this world. That's a recipe for disaster. 

If this time frame is very important to you, you might need to consider going your separate ways so you can find someone who is ready for this.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it's a matter of being unreasonable.

Rather it shows incompatibility with your partner. 

I think you should continue on with the appointment and what you need to do to prepare your body to get pregnant. 

Maybe this guy isn't the guy. 

Fertility is a touchy subject and some women get offended or feel a certain way about being reminded of the biological FACT that a woman's child bearing time is limited.  

It doesn't really fit into the whole "you can do anything at any age" and "age is just a number" mentality.

Is it unfortunate? unfair? yes & yes. it's still a fact.

So at 29, with your condition, you are kidding yourself that you can wait. You may be able to wait to get pregnant, but you should at least start talking to the doctors about it. And it would be a mistake to put it off. You have no idea what the time line is.

Maybe your guy really doesn't want children. It is unsettling that he's making these excuses. Maybe he didn't understand the situation but I have a hard time believing that.  People are not dumb. They know what they say and do. They well do and say what they need to get what they want. In this case, maybe putting off the kids until it's no longer an option.

Don't be naive... take care of yourself.  FIRST. Keep ALL your options open. 

Edited by Lambert
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Can you freeze your eggs?  Also what were your past discussions with him like as far as timing for children? My future husband and I dated in the past and were in our late 30s when we started dating again so we discussed our goals when we got back together -marriage and family.  We both knew we might need fertility treatments/alternatives and there was no way I was dating him again without a direct discussion (he was not at all hesitant -the opposite -but given my age I knew I had to remind him of the timing issues).  You really do have to be on the same page and especially with fertility treatments you really do both have to be over the moon enthusiastic - I hear they are challenging for many!

Also if you went off your birth control your partner knows right?  So I don't get it about his timing conncerns as I've seen "infertile" couples get pregnant that way -naturally.  

I agree with the others - do not try to convince him or pressure him to do things on your timing -not fair to a potential child.  And the child's best interests come first.  And, yes, you may have to consider adoption/surrogacy but hopefully not.  Just be open to the possibilities!

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Genie02 said:

but wants to wait until he finishes writing his book, become published and hopefully be more financially stable

Authors who actually make a good living by publishing are in an extreme minority. The author of The Help had to submit her book to 60 agents before being accepted by one. There's no guarantee he'll get published. If he doesn't have a good career and is relying on making it big with some blockbuster story, he might be a dreamer who will never be financially able to contribute to a household.

Why has he welcomed you going off BC for 6 months, yet doesn't want you to go to the fertility clinic? What do you see in him that you want him as a life partner? He won't give you a timeline of when he will be ready, so either take that risk and wait several years, or end it now and get back into the dating world when you've mourned the end of this relationship and feel ready.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, I don't think this guy wants kids.  He seems to be full of excuses. 

 

I think that you need to decide what is more important for you, this guy or  a child.   

How does he support himself? 

Edited by Hollyj
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

His response to you seems very vague and closed off as if he's fed up of your pushing and questions or desire to have a kid. I may be wrong but there seems to be resentment there already simmering and the topic about starting a family might be off the table right now. I think it's unfair and quite cruel to talk to you in this way. It doesn't show that having a child is a priority to him, at least not in the same way it is to you. If you can't sense that you have this as a similar priority, how can you ever be happy in this relationship?

From another perspective he's also thinking about financial stability. How do you both support yourselves? How would you pay for those fertility treatments? Were you both going to take out loans or borrow money? Would he be the one responsible for paying for these treatments? 

Is there a way for both of you to acknowledge what the other is saying? Why is he responding to your desire to have a baby with another topic about financial stability? If you were both financially stable or a bit better off, would this be an issue? 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Some really good points made.

From how he does not seem so into it as you do.

How in 'reality', to wait on his book to get anywhere- the wait will be long.

And are you able to freeze your eggs.

I did not see how long you two have been involved? You said partner... not married.. been together a good while?

I really think you should have another decent discussion on all of this and try to get him to see the time span on this 'wait' on his book expectations- to having a kid together.

Is he really wanting one?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

We have been together for two and a half years, and last year he moved 250 miles to be with me. We both work so we could financially cover the expenses of a child, he is more worried about his time, or more specifically how much less time he would have to write. He has already said that if it were to happen right now, he would apply for jobs at a university to teach, so it’s not like he doesn’t have real options. 
 

He’s told be since we started that he would love kids one day, and has told me he definitely wants them with me. He’s great with my niece and nephew. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Genie02 said:

We have been together for two and a half years, and last year he moved 250 miles to be with me. We both work so we could financially cover the expenses of a child, he is more worried about his time, or more specifically how much less time he would have to write. He has already said that if it were to happen right now, he would apply for jobs at a university to teach, so it’s not like he doesn’t have real options. 
 

He’s told be since we started that he would love kids one day, and has told me he definitely wants them with me. He’s great with my niece and nephew. 

And do you both agree on who would work/daycare arrangements and how that would be paid for? Why aren't you married? Would you marry if you had a child together?  Being great with your niece and nephew is sweet.  No relevance at all to whether he is ready to be a present/involved/over the moon enthusiastic father to your child on the time table you presented

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Batya33 said:

And do you both agree on who would work/daycare arrangements and how that would be paid for? Why aren't you married? Would you marry if you had a child together?  Being great with your niece and nephew is sweet.  No relevance at all to whether he is ready to be a present/involved/over the moon enthusiastic father to your child on the time table you presented

Well considering I would be on maternity leave for the first year, and my job provides good maternity pay, I’m sure like many couples we would have plenty of time to arrange that between our schedules etc. I don’t think why asking about our marriage arrangement is relevant but we have talked about marriage on multiple occasions. It’s always something both of us have been clear with, and agreed we will. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Genie02 said:

We have been together for two and a half years, and last year he moved 250 miles to be with me. We both work so we could financially cover the expenses of a child, he is more worried about his time, or more specifically how much less time he would have to write. He has already said that if it were to happen right now, he would apply for jobs at a university to teach, so it’s not like he doesn’t have real options. 
 

He’s told be since we started that he would love kids one day, and has told me he definitely wants them with me. He’s great with my niece and nephew. 

I'd address the time issue and let him know that he's being heard. Go into this a bit more as it's causing some anxiety and misunderstanding between you both. For ie, can you talk more between the both of you about what happens after your maternity leave is over? Work out some compromise so that he can write, hold down a job if he has to and still be a father or care for the child also. 

You both have to talk about this. He can't be a stick in the mud about time. People make time to work, study, raise a child and sometimes something's got to give like sleep or maybe you miss a personal writing deadline because a child is ill or needs more care. I think he likes the idea of having a family with you but is absolutely terrified of what it will do to his career. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Genie02 said:

Well considering I would be on maternity leave for the first year, and my job provides good maternity pay, I’m sure like many couples we would have plenty of time to arrange that between our schedules etc. I don’t think why asking about our marriage arrangement is relevant but we have talked about marriage on multiple occasions. It’s always something both of us have been clear with, and agreed we will. 

It's very relevant here I think -you are thinking of bringing a child into this relationship and marriage gives you and the child more rights.  Also given his reluctance to have a child with you I wondered how committed he was to you and who was hesitant to marry or if there were any marriage plans.  In my country there is no one year maternity leave- at most it is 6 weeks unpaid and then depends on the employer.  I had to laugh at "plenty of time" -parenting rarely allows for "plenty of time" with exceptions of course!  Many parents I know get on daycare lists when they're pregnant/ a year in advance.  Right now he doesn't want it badly enough. You do.  You have decisions to make.  I made some suggestions above.  

Link to post
Share on other sites

How long has this book been a thing for him?  Expecting to make any decent amount of money off it is a bit pie in the sky, but so long as he's also got a paying 9 to 5 going, it's whatever. 

What have you two previously discussed as far as timeframes for life goals such as having children?  It's one thing if you two had tentatively committed to getting it out of the way this year, and now he's reneging.  Otherwise, I can't say I think he's definitely or even likely just using the desire to finish writing a book before navigating it along with his job and raising a kid as an excuse to drag his heels.  

Really, this is going to be a situation you'll be much better able to gauge his sincerity than any of us.  Have a real and definitive conversation with him about it.  Of course he can't put a timeline on when for sure he'll have finished his book, but you know for yourself when you're gonna start kicking yourself for not getting the ball rolling.  You two really haven't been together very long, so I would say it's a bit unfair if you're in effect telling him you guys need to start with treatments and trying for a baby within the next month or two.  That will scare most anyone from the prospect.  But so long as you're being flexible to his goals without throwing yours into limbo, you've got a real big decision to make as far as compatibility goes if you're getting the impression he just isn't feeling it even generally.  

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is partner a published writer? If so, he already knows that it's not a jackpot. Banking on a book for financial security isn't exactly reliable.

Had the two of you discussed marriage, and if so, what kind of timeline?

If marriage with this man isn't or won't be part of the equation, then you could consider insemination as an option for becoming a single mom. This would liberate you from relying on his timeline for having a child.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...