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Do I carry on seeing someone knowing I’ll end up getting hurt


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I recently started seeing a guy, things were going well and we both really enjoy our time together and like each other. However, he has now told me that he doesn’t want a relationship. It’s not that he wants to see other people, he just wants to concentrate on himself. We’ve decided to carry on seeing each other but knowing it won’t go anywhere. At this time I can’t bear the thought of not seeing him again and I feel I’ll always be wondering if anything would have come from it. I feel like clinging onto a bit of hope that doesn’t exist, that he may change his mind about having a relationship.

 

I’ve never been in love and I don’t normally let my guard down. part of my feels like I need to see how things go and enjoy it while it lasts. But I’m struggling to stay happy without being optimistic about the future

Edited by Ell
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He told you that he doesn't want a relationship with you.  You need to listen. He just isn't that into you.   If you choose to plow ahead, you will have no one to blame, but yourself.

You will survive not seeing him, better than feeling devalued by sticking around.  

How long have you been dating?

Edited by Hollyj
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About 2 months now. What makes it so hard is that he does like me and doesn’t want to stop seeing each other either, but it’s just not a good time for him to take it to the next step

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That is an excuse.  If he was really into you he would want more.   If you are looking for a relationship then move on.  You have only been dating two months.  

Why should he want to move on.  You are making it easy with no commitment and he gets sex.  

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The answer is NO.

You're setting yourself up for unnecessary disappointment, pain, hurt, stress, conflict and confrontation.  He's made it clear to you that he wants to concentrate on himself and does not desire a relationship with you.  Take heed and get his message loud and clear.  Cut if off with him and move on.  He's not worth it.  

Remain realistic about your future.  Don't wish nor live in dream land otherwise it's a recipe for disaster. 

Be more secure within your own skin.  Be independent minded, secure and strong. 

Keep in mind, this new mindset as I had described, attracts like minded men.  Successful, very moral men have a tendency not to be attracted to insecure, weak women.  Alike people attract each other. 

 

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7 minutes ago, Ell said:

 but it’s just not a good time for him to take it to the next step

Sorry this is happening. 8 weeks is a good time to cut your losses.

Clearly you are looking for a relationship with someone but all he's offering is hookups/FWB.

Basically he'll string you along for sex, if you let him. At some level you realize he's feeding you a bunch of bull about "finding himself".

Since he doesn't want a relationship and you're not exclusive, start talking to and meeting men.

That way you can unload this guy and find someone interested in what you're interested in.

Why get involved with or invest in anyone who's this lukewarm and basically doesn't care?

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43 minutes ago, Ell said:

About 2 months now. What makes it so hard is that he does like me and doesn’t want to stop seeing each other either, but it’s just not a good time for him to take it to the next step

Peek around the corner here. 

Ask yourself how it will feel when he stops contacting you so much, or worse, meets someone else. If you're already struggling with the idea that this will not evolve, do not continue seeing him. It will crush you when he finally does fade out. 

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Why would you want to continue seeing someone who "just wants to concentrate on himself"? This means that it's entirely one-sided and you're going to be around someone self-absorbed and so into improving his lot that he doesn't have enough thoughtfulness for you. 

Keep this very simple and tell yourself that when someone has to work on themselves, let them work on themselves. It means that they don't have enough of whatever is inside them to give to you. This means you shouldn't be with that person and it will lead to heartache. Don't sign up for one-sided relationships.

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I can't speak for what you should do. I can only speak for myself. There's no way that I'd stick around someone who just told me that.

I know myself well enough to know that I'm relationship material, and I also bond when I'm sexual.

Knowing these things about myself means that the first thing I want to know when I meet someone is whether he regards himself as relationship material, too. If not, I won't continue seeing him. At all.

From there, I need to get to know a person really well, and before being sexual, I need to learn where I stand with him, and I need to figure out where I WANT to stand with him. Otherwise, it makes to no sense to bond with him.

So you're in a position where you've set yourself up badly. You didn't learn these things about him first, before bonding with him.

I'd walk away and take from this that from now on, I will avoid sleeping first, asking question later. This allows you to trust yourself and your best judgment going forward.

Head high. We all need to live these things to learn them.

Edited by catfeeder
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