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Ok. So I’ve been married for 16 years to my husband who NEVER shows me affection or any attention at all. He literally will not speak two words to me or our 11 yr old daughter. HERE’S THE KICKER.. He can spend NUMEROUS hours talking to “his friends” ALL DAY long but can’t say anything to us. It’s depressing at our house. Our daughter has Type One diabetes and barely any friends. I’ve tried getting him to go to counseling with me but he refuses. We have lived in a mobile home ever since we’ve married and he will ABSOLUTELY NOT do anything or even talk about bettering our future. He refuses to even build a garage where we live and says I’m the reason why we don’t have anything. I was a stay at home mom until our daughter started school but then worked full time as a cosmetologist & registered behavior technician. There is nothing to look forward to in our lives and idk what to do. I don’t have friends because of how he’s acted. He would make me beg for grocery money when I didn’t work and still holds stuff from the past over my head to this day. Idk what to do. My parents are narcissistic and I can barely talk to them without it being turned on me in someway. I need advice and feel completely stuck and depressed. Our daughter deserves better and I’d be lying if I said I’m not scared to be alone.

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The fact that you mentioned your parents are narcissists suggests that all you know is that you only deserve bad behaviour from others.  (side note, it would be hard for 2 N's to be married to each other.  I believe there is only room for one in the house)

You've asked for change and you aren't going to get it.  Get yourself into therapy.  ASAP.   You need support from someone.

My story is similar, but not this extreme. When my ex refused therapy, I went on my own.  Best decision I ever made.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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I second you go for therapy/counselling on your own, and the sooner the better.  It will be a place for you to unload and hopefully, with time, help you get stronger to be able to take the action needed to make changes in your life for a better future.  You seem to be very lonely and alone in your marriage of 16 years. 

NEVER be scared to be alone.  In your case it could be absolutely liberating.  Sure, you'll be on your own with your daughter, but without the tension, stress and the baggage of non-caring husband/father.  Alone does not have to mean lonely. 

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Agree with the advice to get into therapy asap.

Something to think about is... you are the adult. You can choose to have a crappy life with no joy. That's your choice...

but your poor daughter. She has no choice.

In time she will grow up and probably run as far away from this situation and you as she can get.  Or she'll be so damaged by all this that she never does anything for herself either. 

You are continuing a cycle of abuse.  

We teach our children what love is, what marriage is, how they should be treated and what is acceptable. 

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for her. Do it so you can live with yourself in the future.  Save her. Save your future grandchildren. 

She deserves better and so do you. but you have to do it.  you! 

 

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18 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

The fact that you mentioned your parents are narcissists suggests that all you know is that you only deserve bad behaviour from others.  (side note, it would be hard for 2 N's to be married to each other.  I believe there is only room for one in the house)

You've asked for change and you aren't going to get it.  Get yourself into therapy.  ASAP.   You need support from someone.

My story is similar, but not this extreme. When my ex refused therapy, I went on my own.  Best decision I ever made.

 

You’re exactly right. Only one narcissist under one roof. My mom is the puppet master there.

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16 hours ago, Lambert said:

Agree with the advice to get into therapy asap.

Something to think about is... you are the adult. You can choose to have a crappy life with no joy. That's your choice...

but your poor daughter. She has no choice.

In time she will grow up and probably run as far away from this situation and you as she can get.  Or she'll be so damaged by all this that she never does anything for herself either. 

You are continuing a cycle of abuse.  

We teach our children what love is, what marriage is, how they should be treated and what is acceptable. 

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for her. Do it so you can live with yourself in the future.  Save her. Save your future grandchildren. 

She deserves better and so do you. but you have to do it.  you! 

 

Thank you for responding. I’ve known what to do for some time now I’m just a coward I guess. I barely want to get out of bed let alone do what needs to be done. It sounds silly but I’m not strong enough to do this alone. I need a support system behind me and I don’t have that. 

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16 hours ago, Lambert said:

Agree with the advice to get into therapy asap.

Something to think about is... you are the adult. You can choose to have a crappy life with no joy. That's your choice...

but your poor daughter. She has no choice.

In time she will grow up and probably run as far away from this situation and you as she can get.  Or she'll be so damaged by all this that she never does anything for herself either. 

You are continuing a cycle of abuse.  

We teach our children what love is, what marriage is, how they should be treated and what is acceptable. 

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for her. Do it so you can live with yourself in the future.  Save her. Save your future grandchildren. 

She deserves better and so do you. but you have to do it.  you! 

 

Thank you for responding. I really do appreciate it.

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Why have you stayed in this?   It is also terrible that you are exposing your daughter to this, as it will cause lifelong damage.    

 

You are already alone.   

 

Leave him and get some therapy.

Edited by Hollyj
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2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Why have you stayed in this?   It is also terrible that you are exposing your daughter to this, as it will cause lifelong damage.    

 

You are already alone.   

 

Leave him and get some therapy.

Because he threatens things that he knows bothers me. 

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1 minute ago, Tamra said:

Because he threatens things that he knows bothers me. 

Your daughter is in an abusive situation.  You need to start to think about her, and move beyond your fear of being alone.  This is your responsibility as a parent.

What does he threaten?

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1 minute ago, Hollyj said:

Your daughter is in an abusive situation.  You need to start to think about her, and move beyond your fear of being alone.  This is your responsibility as a parent.

What does he threaten?

Yes you’re exactly right. He threatens my years ago drug use that he found.. 

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Just now, Tamra said:

Yes you’re exactly right. He threatens my years ago drug use that he found.. 

Are you using now?   If not, it is not relevant.   Stop making excuses.

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18 minutes ago, Tamra said:

Thank you for responding. I’ve known what to do for some time now I’m just a coward I guess. I barely want to get out of bed let alone do what needs to be done. It sounds silly but I’m not strong enough to do this alone. I need a support system behind me and I don’t have that. 

Well... you have to get yourself out of bed, get on the computer and start researching women's programs, churches, community programs that can help you.

Talk to your boss. A counselor at your daughter's school.  Your regular doctor. Her doctor. 

Stop being the victim

 

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You say that you are afraid of being alone....but.....aren't you about as alone as a person can be right now as we speak? Think about it. Your so called husband doesn't even speak to you and abuses you and your daughter. You and your daughter are completely isolated, without friends. You already are completely alone.

If you want to change that, your only way is to leave him. Call an abuse hotline and get help. Talk to a divorce lawyer and get educated about your options. Be completely honest with the lawyer about what's going on and tell them your fears - drugs, whatever else your abuser is holding over you. Then let the lawyer explain and educate you about that and how it does or doesn't affect you at all. Knowledge is power and please know this - many many lawyers give FREE consultations.

You have a job, you can support yourself and your child. The only thing you have to get out of your head is that you are less than human if you don't have a man in your life. That's false. You don't need an abusive d$ck in your life. Quite the opposite, you need to get away from him to survive and eventually thrive.

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19 hours ago, Tamra said:

I’ve been married for 16 years to my husband who NEVER shows me affection or any attention at all. He literally will not speak two words to me or our 11 yr old daughter. HERE’S THE KICKER..

YOU are not happy there 😞 .. HE is negligent.

Do not stay where you are not wanted- in fear of being alone... Can you look for a type of assistance if you move out? (ie for single parents?)

Look for at least a 2 bdrm.. heck a 1 bdrm even, for time being.

I've had to get my 4 kids out of failed relationships, twice.. downsized from home to an apt... I did it cause I had to!  For our own mentality.

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2 hours ago, Tamra said:

Thank you for responding. I’ve known what to do for some time now I’m just a coward I guess. I barely want to get out of bed let alone do what needs to be done. It sounds silly but I’m not strong enough to do this alone. I need a support system behind me and I don’t have that. 

You won't be alone.   You will have yourself.  The most valuable person you can rely on.  Your daughter will have all of you, not the broken shell you are likely to be now.

I am not going to lie.  You get so low it's hard to get up.  But you do.  You put one foot in front of the other and surprise yourself.  Ultimately, you get yourself back, you are at peace,  a better present parent and you get another chance to build a beautiful and fill it with people who bring you joy and don't bring you down.  You will be proud of yourself for having done so.

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My 2 children & I had to leave our family home due to my failed marriage. We rented a small house, we had very little money, literally no help from anyone, and we survived. 

It is doable if your marriage is over. Your child will be so grateful that you took care of her. 

My mother chose men over my Sisters & I. I have no relationship with her. Please dont do this to your Daughter.

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1 minute ago, shellyf62 said:

My 2 children & I had to leave our family home due to my failed marriage. We rented a small house, we had very little money, literally no help from anyone, and we survived. 

It is doable if your marriage is over. Your child will be so grateful that you took care of her. 

My mother chose men over my Sisters & I. I have no relationship with her. Please dont do this to your Daughter.

Great point.   Tamara, your daughter will remember all of this.  

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🤦🏼‍♀️ Lord. Sorry. I’m here. I’ve been working that’s why I haven’t responded. My daughter loves her dad. She misses him so bad when he’s not around. She’s not herself when we’re apart. I wish there was a fly on the wall to put into words for u guys every little detail. It’s not as easy as everyone makes it sound to just up and leave like that. I think my first step is to get into therapy.  

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She is probably desperate for some love and attention.   Funny, how kids-of any age- will do anything for some kind of acceptance.   The bottom line, you are keeping your child in an abusive environment out of your fear to be alone.   That is wrong and selfish on your part..   

Edited by Hollyj
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Tamra,

First off welcome to ENA.  Feel free to come here for support anytime or just to type out your feelings and fears.

Many of us here want to help and have a lot of solid suggestions but we often forget just how hard it is to break the cycle.  You coming here is the first step in breaking this cycle so good on you!

    I know you were hoping that one of us could tell you some magic that would get your husband to change so you wouldn't have to consider all the things you were told above.  Experience tells us on here that your husband might change a little to stop you from divorcing him but it would not last.  He would play nice until the smoke cleared and then go back to his natural state.  I think you know he is not going to change right?  This leaves you with just two options.  1. Endure this for the rest of your life.  Or 2. Start making a plan to save you and your daughter.

Okay right now you do not feel very empowered right?  That is the way he wants it so he has all the power and you are weak and helpless.  If I were you that would piss me off.  Time to turn that into action.

 Start off small by saving some money in a hidden account or in a shoebox, what ever it takes to get some escape money put together.  This will lesson some of your fears.  If you have your own money you will feel like you have more power over your future.  Next you need to stop listening to his BS and do your own research.  Knowledge is power and you need all the power you can get right now.  Go to your county website under family services or divorce and do some reading.  While there look for support groups in your area.  You need to talk to others that have been in your shoes and got out and are thriving.  This process takes steps, baby steps at first but you have to be the one to take them.  Are you up for the first two?

Keep posting it will help

  Lost

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