Jump to content

Social media stemmed jealousy


GeorgeV11
 Share

Recommended Posts

I get extremely jealous when it comes to my boyfriend on social media. We have a great sex life and good relationship but this one issue drives me mad for some reason! I think social media in general just really has an intense affect on me , I am very sensitive and have my own self esteem struggles.  When we first started dating he followed the usual half naked instagram models , and unfollowed them at the beginning of our relationship because he wasnt "into that anymore". Over our two years together there has been an instance when we were chilling on the couch and scrolling through insta and I caught a glimpse of his explore page as he went on his search which I saw had some cleary half naked models. I got super upset and he had no choice but to admit to it haha , at that point I told him I am not personally cool with that at all and he said he wouldnt look them up anymore and he doesnt really care about it anyways. Fast forward to yesterday I used his insta to look up my brother who blocked me( thats a whole other story haha) and saw some of those same types on insta models on his explore page. Ever since I have driven myself mad about this. At this point in life I know no matter what he is going to come across these images and attractive women in real life of course. I just want to know if anyone has dealt with this as well as any tips on how to not let jealousy take over my mind because I go down the rabbit hole and think crazy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It doesn't sound like a good relationship if you're on edge or uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to be a bit more honest with yourself about the relationship. You can't force anyone to do or not do something. I think it's controlling and negative if you have to police someone for their actions or thoughts. Do you really want to live like this? 

Date someone else who doesn't make you feel crazy and agrees with you about how they use social media for example. There are some things a couple works through and there are some things you should not have to work so hard through - at all. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 minutes ago, GeorgeV11 said:

I know no matter what he is going to come across these images and attractive women in real life of course.

Well, this is the bottom line right here. You're setting yourself up for failure trying to stem this tide.

Is there a reason why you don't trust him to manage himself appropriately?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

Well, this is the bottom line right here. You're setting yourself up for failure trying to stem this tide.

Is there a reason why you don't trust him to manage himself appropriately?

No there is not. Honestly I think I had a very idealistic idea of what it means to be in love with someone and I am starting to realize its not a fairytale all the time haha if that makes sense? I am 25 so I guess I still have a lot of growing to do. Thats why I want to find ways to not get so in my head about the little things like this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This stuff happens all of the time...Does NOT mean they are cheating on you.

You are aware of porn (yah, even both watch this stuff).. and aware of porn mag's?  Yah my ex had a large number of these as well.  But, he did not cheat.  and I din't really care about them.. He was with me. (And, stuff like this can actually enhance their sex lives - give a bit of a boost).. Unless they live on this- should be fine.

This stuff affecting you this way isn't a good thing..  You have to try & accept this stuff is out there... many will check this stuff out.

What he is doing is his own choice. You cannot control him.  Keep at him & it will drive him away.

I am very sensitive and have my own self esteem struggles

- Yah, if he's not breaking the law or cheating on you, is something I feel YOU need to work on.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

This stuff happens all of the time...Does NOT mean they are cheating on you.

You are aware of porn (yah, even both watch this stuff).. and aware of porn mag's?  Yah my ex had a large number of these as well.  But, he did not cheat.  and I din't really care about them.. He was with me. (And, stuff like this can actually enhance their sex lives - give a bit of a boost).. Unless they live on this- should be fine.

This stuff affecting you this way isn't a good thing..  You have to try & accept this stuff is out there... many will check this stuff out.

What he is doing is his own choice. You cannot control him.  Keep at him & it will drive him away.

I am very sensitive and have my own self esteem struggles

- Yah, if he's not breaking the law or cheating on you, is something I feel YOU need to work on.

Thank you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

29 minutes ago, GeorgeV11 said:

 I got super upset and he had no choice but to admit to it haha , at that point I told him I am not personally cool with that at all and he said he wouldnt look them up anymore and he doesnt really care about it anyways. 

So, is it the women he looks at that bothers you or the promise he made that he seems to have broken?

You have a few choices here.  You can acknowledge that men will look (unless you put a bag over the head) but he's not acting on it and let it go.    You can decide that this isn't acceptable and find a man who shares your own values.   Or you can acknowledge that these insecurities are yours to manage, not his.

For me the biggest problem isn't that he looks at women.   It would be that he gave you his word and broke it.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, reinventmyself said:

So, is it the women he looks at that bothers you or the promise he made that he seems to have broken?

You have a few choices here.  You can acknowledge that men will look (unless you put a bag over the head) but he's not acting on it and let it go.    You can decide that this isn't acceptable and find a man who shares your own values.   Or you can acknowledge that these insecurities are yours to manage, not his.

For me the biggest problem isn't that he looks at women.   It would be that he gave you his word and broke it.

Yeah him breaking his word part definitely bugs me. I think though the biggest part that bothers me is him lusting after someone else, and I do feel I am growing as a women and this is something I want to overcome and become more confident thats why I said I recognize this and I am looking for skills advice on how to do that 🙂

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'll go against the grain here.

Some women (or men) can turn a blind eye regarding their boyfriend's (or girlfriend's) roving eye whereas others cannot such as yourself or myself. 

A very decent, loyal, honorable, clean and sincerely devoted man is very moral and trustworthy.  You don't have to look over his shoulder in order to have evidence and proof that he's not doing anything disrespectful to you and your relationship (or marriage). 

Your boyfriend will not change for you.  He is who he is habits and all.  The only change comes from YOU.  Either accept your boyfriend's wandering eye whether you're with him or not or get a new boyfriend who knows how to behave even when your back is turned. 

You're not crazy.  Both of you are mismatched and incompatible. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 2/22/2021 at 10:37 PM, Jibralta said:

Is there a reason why you don't trust him to manage himself appropriately?

He's not managing himself appropriately, though.  He's in a relationship with someone who's told him she feels very uncomfortable with him checking out half-naked women on Instagram.  He's not just glancing at someone attractive in the street, he's making an active choice to seek them out.  If he really didn't care about them, his girlfriend's feelings would more important to him than pictures of half-naked strangers.  He wouldn't have broken his word and lied to her.  Trust has to go both ways and if I were the OP I'd be rethinking this relationship.

Edited by poorlittlefish
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 2/22/2021 at 5:50 PM, GeorgeV11 said:

 this is something I want to overcome and become more confident 🙂

Are you sure "overcoming" this is a good idea? 

It's not an exercise in self confidence to overlook red flags 🚩.

If he's a disrespectful horndog, it's not about you. It's about him.

Why not allow your instincts and gut feeling to guide you?

There's no need to be the "cool GF", when he's an embarrassment to you.

Step back and reflect on all this. Are you settling? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

He's not managing himself appropriately, though.  He's in a relationship with someone who's told him she feels very uncomfortable with him checking out half-naked women on Instagram.  He's not just glancing at someone attractive in the street, he's making an active choice to seek them out.  If he really didn't care about them, his girlfriend's feelings would more important to him than pictures of half-naked strangers.  He wouldn't have broken his word and lied to her.  Trust has to go both ways and if I were the OP I'd be rethinking this relationship.

Yeah, I get the lying part, and so does she. But whether that's really an issue remains to be seen.

First and foremost, George V11 is questioning the validity of her own jealousy:

On 2/22/2021 at 5:13 PM, GeorgeV11 said:

At this point in life I know no matter what he is going to come across these images and attractive women in real life of course. I just want to know if anyone has dealt with this as well as any tips on how to not let jealousy take over my mind because I go down the rabbit hole and think crazy.

On 2/22/2021 at 5:50 PM, GeorgeV11 said:

Yeah him breaking his word part definitely bugs me. I think though the biggest part that bothers me is him lusting after someone else, and I do feel I am growing as a women and this is something I want to overcome and become more confident thats why I said I recognize this and I am looking for skills advice on how to do that

I like that she's questioning it, because it's driving her crazy and that shouldn't be the case. Jealousy should have limits.

HOWEVER there is the possibility that her jealousy is justified. That's why I asked if there's a reason why she doesn't trust him to manage himself appropriately. 

For example, maybe he's cheated on her before. Maybe she's caught him chatting with girls online, etc. If that's the case, then I would encourage her to heed her feelings of jealousy, and better yet, to get out of this relationship.

But if her boyfriend is a solid guy, and a great companion for her, then maybe she needs to ease up a little on him. 

From the answers she's given so far, I can't really tell much about their relationship to say either way.

Edited by Jibralta
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

On 2/22/2021 at 2:50 PM, GeorgeV11 said:

Yeah him breaking his word part definitely bugs me. I think though the biggest part that bothers me is him lusting after someone else, and I do feel I am growing as a women and this is something I want to overcome and become more confident thats why I said I recognize this and I am looking for skills advice on how to do that 🙂

Sometimes being confident is just about sticking up for what you think or what you believe.

You need to figure out what you think or you believe first. If you believe in your relationship, then be confident in it.

If you have issues with your relationship and are bothered by this, trying to be "confident" with it is just ignoring and turning a blind eye. It's the opposite of being confident. What you're doing is being a doormat for bad behaviour or treatment from a partner. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it comes down to this is him.  Do you accept or you don't?  

Don't stay with someone based on changes you think or want to happen.  Stay with them based on today.  Right now.  who they are and what they stand for. 

I have never been one to fall into the thinking of --- guys are like this or guys are like that.  guys will be guys kind of thing. Every guy is a stand alone human being.  just like every woman is her own human being.   if a guy comes across like a pig, I get turned off.  And that's the end.  

You don't need proof that he cheats.  You don't need to check his phone.  You don't have to get his approval on your decision, opinions, standards etc.  If you don't like the way he acts, you talk to him about it and agree together how things are going to go from that point forward.  If they don't agree,  jerk you around or you find out they are not holding up their end of the bargain-- you leave.   

Super simple.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm a bit confused here. You say that this is showing up in his explore page.....well.....it will show up because algorithms will drive that traffic since he used to be interested in that. Unless he is actively following or liking or sending DM's or otherwise interacting with those accounts, he has no real way to turn that off. So is he actually interacting with those other women?

If he is not and he isn't adding them and following them, then he has NOT broken his word to you.

As for you getting upset that he sees attractive women....I mean....that's just life. The world is full of attractive women and men everywhere. Short of putting blinkers on him or locking him up in a basement, you simply cannot stop your SO from seeing attractive women. This is your toxic insecurity and if you don't get a grip on that, it will destroy even the best and strongest of relationships.

At some point, getting accused of doing bad things when you really aren't gets old as does getting the third degree all the time because your partner has both trust and massive insecurity issues. If you don't address that within yourself, you will end up with what you fear the most time and again - getting dumped and being alone while you watch your ex smiling happily with someone else who doesn't beat him all the time with their issues.

The more you try to control things you have no control over, the more you'll feel defeated and out of control. It's a vicious cycle. The only thing you have actual control over is yourself, so work on that.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you look upon your boyfriend's roving eye with disdain, be with a trustworthy guy who isn't sneaky nor does anything inappropriate on the sly.  Be "evenly yoked" with alike minds, alike characters and alike integrity.  It's all about YOUR choices in this life.  You're under no obligation to remain with your boyfriend.  There are plenty of boyfriends out there who know how to be very moral men.  

There's nothing wrong with keeping your standards very high and absolute.  There is nothing wrong with expecting your guy to treat you and your relationship with respect.  I am and I got him; my husband. 

If you can afford to be very picky and choosy, then do it.  

You'd better shop around.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not getting how he lied to you.  He went from stopping his searching to going back to it without having promised he wouldn't.  He simply lost interest in the photos at that moment, which makes sense if you two were new to each other and honeymooning.  Then after the second occasion and you having voiced your concerns, the only thing you've come across is an appearance on his explore page, which as DF mentioned is algo-based.  If he's searched in the past, there's a good chance something related will pop up there.  Generally speaking, and especially for something as near-objectively mild, life's a lot easier assuming good intentions instead of bad from those we claim to love and trust.  

In any case, it's been established he's fine looking what honestly sounds like pretty timid material while in a relationship, whether or not he particularly cares about it at any given stage.  Those are his values to either take or leave.  If you're truly and committedly not comfortable with it, find a better match who affirmatively shares the value of not searching for such material ever.  Personally, I think it's a better path to romantic success, whether it be with him or someone else in the future, to tackle your insecurities over it, but it's your life to live and certainly your prerogative. 

Edited by j.man
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...