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Is my Wife Gaslighting me?


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I have a couple of situations I think she's gaslighting me in:

1. when we were dating, I owned a house a was renting a room out and my wife and I weren't living together. My roommate asked if his female friend could stay in our spare bedroom for a few days because she was getting kicked out of her house, so I said yes, and this was in person. When I talked to my wife (girlfriend at the time) said I should have called and asked her first, that we should be making decisions that affect both of us together, and that it's not smart to have another girl stay in my house; her thinking it could lead to me cheating or something. This was like 8 months ago. I brought this up again last night and she said that I called and asked her, and she said she was okay with it, but then later regretted and that's when she said it wasn't a smart decision. I know for a fact I didn't ask her if she could stay because I remember my wife said I should have let her into the decision.

2. When we were dating there was this girl from church who kept messaging me and asking me to date her, I obviously kept rejecting her. I told my wife about it and she told me to block her, in a pretty defensive tone. Again I brought this up way later, and she said that she said it in a joking way. She was not joking...

3. She frequently says things are a misunderstanding when I bring up my feelings. 

4. She never takes responsibility for things, like when she misses a phone call, this has happened twice with two different people; it's always the phone didn't ring or the call didn't go through. Not sorry I missed your call, or sorry I left my phone on silent.

I don't know what to do..

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You've been married 5 mos? Can you have the marriage annulled? You seem miserable. 

In the meantime see your physician about your overall health as well as the anxiety and depression. Get a referral to a therapist. Also consult an attorney regarding your option in the event of annulment or divorce.

Do not discuss that with your wife. First talk things out with professionals so you know what your next steps should be.

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I don’t think missing two phone calls is a massive catastrophe. I think she was out of line saying that the roommate’s  girlfriend can’t come to the house. However, I would be irate too if some woman was messaging my boyfriend to ask him to date her. That is not out of line. 

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It's hard to tell why you're thinking about all this now. What's the real issue? Do you feel abused or manipulated or ignored in the marriage? Why dig up past events?

Is she accusing you of cheating now? Have you cheated on each other in the past? 

Issues with calls or missed calls leading to what? Accusations of more cheating? What's all this about? 

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IMO, what YOU did when you had your own home and she was only dating you - not living there, was your own option.

1 hour ago, odangdude said:

I brought this up again last night and she said that I called and asked her, and she said she was okay with it, but then later regretted and that's when she said it wasn't a smart decision.

 

1 hour ago, odangdude said:

asking me to date her, I obviously kept rejecting her. I told my wife about it and she told me to block her, in a pretty defensive tone. Again I brought this up way later,

-Is there a reason you keep bringing these things up again?

Re: missing a phone call, is not big deal, as mentioned.. We ALL do this kind of thing...

You mentioned something happened 8 mos ago.. and you are married now.  How long have you known her / been involved?

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Gaslighting is a strong term and deliberate act of abuse and manipulation.

From what you've written it just seems like two are having different experiences and interpretations of events that have happened.

Her changing her mind about the roommate and admitting she made mistake is not gaslighting.  Yet you say she doesn't take responsibility and in the instance she just did.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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When reading all your other threads about your wife/marriage, NO, I do not think your wife is gaslighting you at all.  Right from the get-go this has been a mess and I agree with those who suggest you have your marriage annulled.  This marriage is never going to work.  Then seek personal counselling to help you with all of your own issues.  

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On another thread, you said “I've been so emotionally shutdown my whole life, and through our relationship I started feeling again, so I felt fears from past trauma and my brain didn't know what to do with it.” 

You need to work on yourself. Only then can you be the husband your wife needs. 

A good husband leads, especially in providing his wife with resources. Right now, I don’t think you are where you need to be for the marriage.

Note that your wife has an emotional connection to you. Make too many mistakes and the emotional connection is gone. It almost never comes back for women. Your window to fix things is rapidly closing. 

Figure out where and how you can lead in the marriage in order to share all your resources with your wife. Your wife must respect you. Wives respect husbands who can lead.  

Also, you are married. So never joke about or bring up other women. All your resources you share only with your wife You must constantly reaffirm your commitment to sharing resources with her and only her.

Figure out your feelings on your own. Your wife is not your therapist. Your main job is to commit and share with her. In exchange, she shares only with you the reason you committed to her in the first place.

Good luck!

 

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No, your wife isn't gaslighting you.  There are certain people in my life who are masters at gaslighting.  Gaslighting is forcing you to change your perception of the facts which includes changing the subject, deflecting, twisting your words, distorting what you've said or in written form and throwing you off the original topic.  You're left stomping out fires one after the other and defending "new fights" in dizzying circles.  Gaslighters wear you down until you are defeated, slink away or worse, you're the one who ends up groveling, apologizing, begging for mercy and forgiveness.  How sick is that? 

As for your wife, you're married now so quit rehashing the past with her because you are only adding fuel to the fire.  You are infuriating your wife by constantly bringing up the past which is not smart.  Don't get her riled up.  Don't talk about when you were dating and the female friend for the spare bedroom.  You are creating unnecessary conflict.  Let it go!

Then you brought up the church girl.  "Let sleeping dogs lie."  Do you know what this means?  It means be quiet otherwise you will create avoidable, preventable, unnecessary fights.  Zip your lip.

Don't bring up the past anymore.  

As for not taking responsibility for missed phone calls, pick your battles.  Is this worth arguing and extra stress?  Concentrate on being pleasant with your wife.   Focus on being positive for everyday living and create a peaceful rapport. 

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Dude these two instances are the very least of your problems.

They are nothing to even waste any emotional real estate on.  Go back and read your other threads, you have a lot more issues than this.

If you aren't happy being married to her then get the marriage annulled or get a divorce.

Lost

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