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BF is a bad drunk, stays out all night


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Good morning all!

This question has two parts, so thank you in advance if you make it through the whole thing! I'll try to make this as concise as possible. 

Basically: How would you feel if your SO stayed out all night drinking and didn't come home until 6-7am the next morning (unplanned)? And how do you deal with a piss poor drunk of a SO?

My boyfriend is in his early 30s and I am in my mid 30s. Together for a year, and we live together. He's a sweet guy, does most of the cooking, splits the chores, makes me feel special whenever he can.

About 5 times during the year we've been together, he's gone out with one of his uncles (an admitted alcoholic, married, but he stays out all night at bars. BF has even told me he doesn't want the wife's number because he didn't want her calling him asking where her husband - the uncle - is when they're out together), and they've stayed out all night. They both enable each other to drink to the point where they're completely hammered, and then my boyfriend comes home reeking of booze and cigarette smoke, and I hate that smell. A lot of times, it wakes me up when he comes in the door blackout drunk. I like to deadbolt the door when I'm sleeping to feel safe, and I can't do that if he isn't home. 

He used to come home hours later than he said he would, and now he just tells me he doesn't know when he'll be home. Apparently they know of a bar that's open really late, even though curfew here is 10pm for the pandemic. I end up worrying (he's had a DUI in the past) and I can't sleep through the night not knowing. Then, the next day he's completely useless and can't do anything because he's too hungover. Most of his other friends and family aren't like this...they'll go out drinking well into the night, but they actually want to go home after a few hours. My boyfriend is usually the one that wants to stay out all night. He used to not even answer my calls or texts, and after we argued about it, he started at least picking up his phone and answering texts.

That being said, I don't call or text him all night and I didn't even start worrying until about 6-7am, when I woke up and he still wasn't home. He and I talked in the past, he knows it bothers me, and he had agreed that he would ask me to pick him up (if its a weekend), or he would call an Uber home. Well, he hasn't done any of that since we talked. Whenever I'm out without him, I always make sure to let him know where I am and my ETA. And I'll let him know if I'm going to be late, without him having to ask. I just think that's basic respect and I just want the same from him.

He's also a terrible drunk. He has insecurity issues from being cheated on in the past, and quite often when he's drunk, he'll accuse me of flirting with other men (when I might just be talking to them and keeping my distance), secretly seeing or talking to other men behind his back, and several times, he's even accused me of sneaking men into our apartment when he wasn't there. Twice, he's also yelled at me to get out of the car in the middle of the highway, and only took us home when I refused to get out. I could say or do anything wrong and it will lead to a huge argument when he's drunk and at times, he's threatened to end the relationship. I used to have some close male friends, but whichever ones he was uncomfortable with, I greatly distanced myself or dropped them completely, out of respect for him.

Granted, I used to be either really flirty or really mean when I was blackout drunk, but I took a hint and limited my alcohol consumption as not to get to that point anymore. I'm happy now with a little buzz or just feeling happy/chill drunk. I also don't mind if him not coming home is planned...i.e. if he's going out somewhere further away and planned on crashing at a friend/his cousin's place for the night. Or if he's going out of town. That I have zero problems with.

The kicker is, he's admitted that he would be suspicious and upset if I stayed out all night and didn't show up until the next morning. Yet he does it to me, over and over. I came home 30 minutes late once from seeing my mother and he thought I was out cheating on him.

He sees his uncle about once a month and has asked me to hang out with them a couple times, but I don't want to drink for 7-8 hours straight and if I want to go home, even if its past midnight, he says I'm being a party pooper and ruining their fun. It's getting to the point where I dread him going out and getting drunk because I just know he won't moderate himself, and he'll get to that point where he finds something to get mad at me about. Once he wouldn't come home because he sat in his car, drunk as a skunk, looking through some videos I sent him when I was with my mom, and he got mad thinking he heard other men's voices in them. It was my mom talking (she has a lower voice). 

When he's sober, he's wonderful and I really enjoy being with him. Plus, we're currently on a lease together for another year so it's not as easy as just packing up and leaving. ENA, what's the best way to handle this? We agreed to talk tonight. What's the best way to get across that I'm not trying to control his time with his uncle or his nights out, but be firm that the way he's behaving is not okay? I also know that he will bring up past arguments in an attempt to defend himself.

Thank you all!

TL;DR Boyfriend stays out until 6-7am drinking with his uncle, doesn't let me know what time he'll be home. He's also really insecure and nasty when he's past a certain point with drinking. We have a shared lease and we agreed to talk tonight. What's the best way to bring it up, and be kind but firm?

Edited by Serrihyus
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Short answer is I would've have dumped him a long time ago. I don't care how nice he is in between the drinking, fights, accusations of cheating and so on because none of that is acceptable to me. There are plenty of guys who are nice and don't do this. Raise your standards.

Also, beware of anyone who accuses you of cheating because they are usually projecting. Bars close at 10 pm, he isn't coming home until 6am.... he is somewhere and it's not a bar, sorry. Don't be so naive that you buy the he is at some special speakeasy that's open 24/7 for drunks and allows them to sleep it off on the floor.

He is a binge drinking alcoholic and he isn't going to quit or change no matter how much you plead, beg, or talk to him about it. He is also a liar. If a DUI hasn't sobered him up, I don't know what will. My advice is what you don't want to hear - stop wasting your time and life on this guy. He is not great and he is not partner material. Get out of this asap. It's only been a year, don't make it 10 years of heartache and regrets by staying.

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1 hour ago, Serrihyus said:

out all night drinking and didn't come home until 6-7am the next morning (unplanned)? And how do you deal with a piss poor drunk of a SO?

- YOU get rid of them!  ( Been there, my first ex)

 

1 hour ago, Serrihyus said:

My boyfriend is in his early 30s and I am in my mid 30s. Together for a year, and we live together

- Way too fast?  Live together, already- and you barely know him, right?

 

1 hour ago, Serrihyus said:

He's also a terrible drunk. He has insecurity issues from being cheated on in the past, and quite often when he's drunk, he'll accuse me of flirting with other men (when I might just be talking to them and keeping my distance), secretly seeing or talking to other men behind his back, and several times, he's even accused me of sneaking men into our apartment when he wasn't there

- Yah, pathetic behaviour and is acting out on you.

He vents out on YOU.  He is full of accusations and is pathetic.

 

1 hour ago, Serrihyus said:

Twice, he's also yelled at me to get out of the car in the middle of the highway, and only took us home when I refused to get out. I could say or do anything wrong and it will lead to a huge argument when he's drunk and at times, he's threatened to end the relationship.

- evil man.  No one acts like this if they are  half normal!

Now, it;s time YOU end it all.

 

1 hour ago, Serrihyus said:

I greatly distanced myself or dropped them completely, out of respect for him.

No.  He has not respect for YOU.  No one can make anyone rid of their friends!  What you do is your choice.

 

 

What's the best way to get across that I'm not trying to control his time with his uncle or his nights out, but be firm that the way he's behaving is not okay? I also know that he will bring up past arguments in an attempt to defend himself.

- Of course.. normal reaction.. bring up the past....

Sadly, you cannot 'reason' with alcy's 😞 .. they can be nasty.  Is up to them to realize their behaviour & drinking & want to change it..

Did you two get a place together or did you move in with this dweeb?  Is you moved in, can you look at breaking the lease?

You can NOT do another year of this!  ( and let it be a lesson - never move in with someone you know nothing about - way too soon).

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2 hours ago, Serrihyus said:

Together for a year, and we live together.

How long were you dating before you started living together? Tell trusted friends and family what is happening. Talk to your landlord about getting out of the lease. He is a huge liability with DUIs etc. 

Read up on people who stay with alcoholics and why. Get support for your situation.

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

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You certainly have enough to say about why this relationship is not good for you. Why do you believe you can change who he is? This is a dangerous and self-sabotaging way of thinking especially where there's addiction (alcoholism or drug abuse). Please do find support for yourself and don't enable this behaviour. A calm, collected and well-mannered conversation is not going to change his addiction or dependency to alcohol. 

I'd look into possible options of getting out of that lease and speak with your landlord. 

You also mentioned being black-out drunk or drinking. I think you are vulnerable and could use with support yourself staying sober. Take care of yourself. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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He may not have a drinking problem, but he has a problem with drinking. Since you have discussed your concerns 5+ times already with no results, I think after a year of this, you know enough that this isn't working out. Breaking up with him is your only solution. If my old man was doing this, I would have kicked to the curb by now.

Edited by smackie9
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5 hours ago, Serrihyus said:

Twice, he's also yelled at me to get out of the car in the middle of the highway, and only took us home when I refused to get out.

 

5 hours ago, Serrihyus said:

When he's sober, he's wonderful and I really enjoy being with him

Are you saying that he was drunk driving on the highway? Or was he actually sober when he yelled at you to get out. 

Sorry OP, but he exhibits so much deal-breaker behaviour. I would have ended this ages ago. 

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Are you planning on having children? If so would you really want them to grow up in this environment?

You are in your mid 30s....your child bearing years are slipping away & you are wasting them with this loser

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9 hours ago, Serrihyus said:

Basically: How would you feel if your SO stayed out all night drinking and didn't come home until 6-7am the next morning (unplanned)? And how do you deal with a piss poor drunk of a SO?

This is an easy one.  I'd dump him.  I don't date drunks/alcoholics.  Dealbreaker from the get-go.

The real BIG question should be:  WHY do YOU put up with him? Do you see a happy, rosy, successful future with him behaving this way?  Serious question.

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You want the truth, it's only going to get worse. He's an alcoholic, hun and he's not willing to admit to it, or get help for it.

He's bordering on abusive and in some cases, straight out abusive. 

You are enabling him as you keep allowing this treatment and keep allowing him to go out and behave this way.

What you tolerate, will become your reality.

You have asked over and over and he is not willing to budge on improving anything.

This relationship needs to end. He is being irresponsible, abusive and just a bad partner.

No one needs to live with this kind of misery.

You've outgrown him, and if you stay, you will only feel more and more miserable.

 

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16 hours ago, Serrihyus said:

how do you deal with a piss poor drunk of a SO?

Really simple, actually. I wouldn't 'deal' with him--at all--much less waste my energy complaining about him.

Decide what you want. Get clarity about why this guy is not that. Then move on to find WHO you want.

This guy is not him.

Some people are best loved from far away.

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Your boyfriend is a loser. Granted I struggle with drinking myself but I never even go to bars or clubs anymore because I'm 36 now. I haven't been out all night until 6 a.m. for many many years. It's actually not normal to behave like this for many reasons. One is that he's in his early 30's and this is the behaviour of a teenager or someone in their early 20's. It's not common for people in their 30's to stay out until 6 a.m. and get completely blind drunk. The other reason why this behaviour is inappropriate is because he's not single. He has you waiting for him at home worrying and he just doesn't care. Being in bars all night I'm sure he'd be talking to other women. Even if he's not doing it deliberately but he's so obliterated I guarantee you he's not watching his behaviours.

Also his drinking behaviours and paranoia and accusing you of cheating are lame. Really lame. I wouldn't put up with any of this at all. Who cares if he's sweet when he's not drunk. The drunk him is also the real him. It's not some other person, it's still him, drunk and obnoxious.

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Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. I truly appreciate it.

I knew my boyfriend had an issue with alcoholism in the past, and many people in his family are alcoholics. He tells me that him and his uncle know of a few 24-hour bars and bars that are open late, despite the pandemic curfew. I've never been with them to these places, mostly because I don't want to be staying out until 6am and my boyfriend definitely won't take me home if he isn't ready to leave.

It bothers me a little that my boyfriend practically worships this uncle...admittedly, he was good to him and was there for him in times of need, when he was younger. But he very clearly hides his alcoholism from his wife, and lies about where he is. He also constantly makes plans with my boyfriend, and then flakes. I get that it's family, they have a certain dynamic, but when BF felt some of my old friends weren't good influences on me, he had no problem speaking up loud and clear about it and would complain or get irritated whenever I talked about them, mentioned them, or they called me.  

I know he can control himself with drinking, but he chooses NOT to. I tried talking to him about it (the third argument we've had about this), and he doesn't see why he should have to give up his nights out and believes he should be able to stay out until whenever he wants. Doesn't want to feel like he has to come home at a certain time, etc. Which okay, I get, no grown man or woman wants a curfew, but it's a matter of respect if you know someone's home waiting for you, and not stumbling through the door at 6-7am (once he came home at 1pm because he stayed over at his cousin's and didn't tell me. I honestly thought he died or got arrested) reeking of booze and cigarette smoke, and then being completely useless for the next day or two after. Plus, I never know if he's randomly going to start a fight with me because he thought I might be doing something behind his back, when I'm not, so that keeps me awake too. 

Granted, he only goes out like this 1-2x/month tops, mostly because his uncle is a flake, and literally asked me to "get off his back" about it and just let him have a good time. Yet, once when I was 30 minutes late, he gave me grief all night and thinking I was cheating on him (I was with my mom). This time, he was better about letting me know that he was leaving the bar and taking a nap in his car because he was too drunk to drive back. About an hour later, I found out he was actually napping in the car in our apartment garage with his uncle in the backseat. He apparently didn't want to come up because he "didn't want to wake me"...when he could have just been quiet about it, come to bed, and his uncle could have crashed on the couch. The last time he did this, he was about to sleep in his car all night. Both times he only came home after I asked him to. I found that very strange and a little suspicious...is he doing something he doesn't want me to know about? Is that why he won't come home and would rather sleep in the car? 

And the other thing - he smokes when he knows I won't be there, because he knows that being a smoker is a dealbreaker for me (I have asthma, and I had an ex who was a chain-smoker, and I found it disgusting). In times when he's stressed, he'll smoke in front of me, and not care and tell me to leave him alone because he's stressed. His family and friends are almost all smokers, as well. Very often I'll find a pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket, because his friends/uncle give it to him.

I have to figure out something with the lease since we still have a year left, because I know he's going to give me a hard time about leaving and signing my name off and get angry/guilt-trip me. He's also isolated me from some of my old friends who would have jumped to help me, and most my family live in other states. In the meantime, the next time he does this, I'm just going to stay out all night myself (probably just go stay over with my mom's) and come home the next day whenever I want. I thought about locking him out, too. Or I might just pack my bags and leave the next time he's out and wants to act disrespectfully and single. I know he acts like this because there are no consequences.

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Please talk to the landlord, tell him honestly that you are in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and ask to break the lease. In many states landlords actually have to let you out on that basis.

Get your things when he is not around and leave. Get out, go live with your family and friends. Be sure he does not know where you are. He can't guilt trip you if you don't allow it - either do not speak to him or have a friend or fam member deal with any issues on your behalf. Issues like sorting out bills, etc. Only practical stuff. Anything else and you do not speak to him or respond. Keep it all in writing. Do not ever agree to meet him to talk ever. He is much worse than you realize. 

Do not stick around because you are afraid of his anger or that he will manipulate you emotionally. These are the very reasons to leave asap.

Once you get out of this situation, please please spend some time fixing your picker. For example, if smoking is a deal breaker, then do not even bother with a single date with a smoker. Yes, I know some of them lie, hide, or lie how much they smoke - lying and smoking are now two deal breakers. But but but....what if they are a really great person otherwise. My response to that is always the same - there are literally millions of guys out there who are fantastic people who do not smoke and do not lie about it. There are no but's when it comes to deal breakers. The moment you find out he hid a deal breaker, you pack your things and go. Cut your loses and learn to cut losers out of your life ruthlessly.

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1 hour ago, Serrihyus said:

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. I truly appreciate it.

I knew my boyfriend had an issue with alcoholism in the past, and many people in his family are alcoholics. He tells me that him and his uncle know of a few 24-hour bars and bars that are open late, despite the pandemic curfew. I've never been with them to these places, mostly because I don't want to be staying out until 6am and my boyfriend definitely won't take me home if he isn't ready to leave.

It bothers me a little that my boyfriend practically worships this uncle...admittedly, he was good to him and was there for him in times of need, when he was younger. But he very clearly hides his alcoholism from his wife, and lies about where he is. He also constantly makes plans with my boyfriend, and then flakes. I get that it's family, they have a certain dynamic, but when BF felt some of my old friends weren't good influences on me, he had no problem speaking up loud and clear about it and would complain or get irritated whenever I talked about them, mentioned them, or they called me.  

I know he can control himself with drinking, but he chooses NOT to. I tried talking to him about it (the third argument we've had about this), and he doesn't see why he should have to give up his nights out and believes he should be able to stay out until whenever he wants. Doesn't want to feel like he has to come home at a certain time, etc. Which okay, I get, no grown man or woman wants a curfew, but it's a matter of respect if you know someone's home waiting for you, and not stumbling through the door at 6-7am (once he came home at 1pm because he stayed over at his cousin's and didn't tell me. I honestly thought he died or got arrested) reeking of booze and cigarette smoke, and then being completely useless for the next day or two after. Plus, I never know if he's randomly going to start a fight with me because he thought I might be doing something behind his back, when I'm not, so that keeps me awake too. 

Granted, he only goes out like this 1-2x/month tops, mostly because his uncle is a flake, and literally asked me to "get off his back" about it and just let him have a good time. Yet, once when I was 30 minutes late, he gave me grief all night and thinking I was cheating on him (I was with my mom). This time, he was better about letting me know that he was leaving the bar and taking a nap in his car because he was too drunk to drive back. About an hour later, I found out he was actually napping in the car in our apartment garage with his uncle in the backseat. He apparently didn't want to come up because he "didn't want to wake me"...when he could have just been quiet about it, come to bed, and his uncle could have crashed on the couch. The last time he did this, he was about to sleep in his car all night. Both times he only came home after I asked him to. I found that very strange and a little suspicious...is he doing something he doesn't want me to know about? Is that why he won't come home and would rather sleep in the car? 

And the other thing - he smokes when he knows I won't be there, because he knows that being a smoker is a dealbreaker for me (I have asthma, and I had an ex who was a chain-smoker, and I found it disgusting). In times when he's stressed, he'll smoke in front of me, and not care and tell me to leave him alone because he's stressed. His family and friends are almost all smokers, as well. Very often I'll find a pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket, because his friends/uncle give it to him.

I have to figure out something with the lease since we still have a year left, because I know he's going to give me a hard time about leaving and signing my name off and get angry/guilt-trip me. He's also isolated me from some of my old friends who would have jumped to help me, and most my family live in other states. In the meantime, the next time he does this, I'm just going to stay out all night myself (probably just go stay over with my mom's) and come home the next day whenever I want. I thought about locking him out, too. Or I might just pack my bags and leave the next time he's out and wants to act disrespectfully and single. I know he acts like this because there are no consequences.

One to two times a month of this, unbelievable!  I wouldn’t put up with this at all. Top it off with his insecurities.  How could you possibly consider a future or family with this guy!  He is an abusive drunk, why did you move in with him? 
 

I would have been done after the second incident.  Expect more from people. I also hope you don’t  get Covid with all of his bar activity.  

Edited by Hollyj
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5 hours ago, Serrihyus said:

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. I truly appreciate it.

I knew my boyfriend had an issue with alcoholism in the past, and many people in his family are alcoholics. He tells me that him and his uncle know of a few 24-hour bars and bars that are open late, despite the pandemic curfew. I've never been with them to these places, mostly because I don't want to be staying out until 6am and my boyfriend definitely won't take me home if he isn't ready to leave.

It bothers me a little that my boyfriend practically worships this uncle...admittedly, he was good to him and was there for him in times of need, when he was younger. But he very clearly hides his alcoholism from his wife, and lies about where he is. He also constantly makes plans with my boyfriend, and then flakes. I get that it's family, they have a certain dynamic, but when BF felt some of my old friends weren't good influences on me, he had no problem speaking up loud and clear about it and would complain or get irritated whenever I talked about them, mentioned them, or they called me.  

I know he can control himself with drinking, but he chooses NOT to. I tried talking to him about it (the third argument we've had about this), and he doesn't see why he should have to give up his nights out and believes he should be able to stay out until whenever he wants. Doesn't want to feel like he has to come home at a certain time, etc. Which okay, I get, no grown man or woman wants a curfew, but it's a matter of respect if you know someone's home waiting for you, and not stumbling through the door at 6-7am (once he came home at 1pm because he stayed over at his cousin's and didn't tell me. I honestly thought he died or got arrested) reeking of booze and cigarette smoke, and then being completely useless for the next day or two after. Plus, I never know if he's randomly going to start a fight with me because he thought I might be doing something behind his back, when I'm not, so that keeps me awake too. 

Granted, he only goes out like this 1-2x/month tops, mostly because his uncle is a flake, and literally asked me to "get off his back" about it and just let him have a good time. Yet, once when I was 30 minutes late, he gave me grief all night and thinking I was cheating on him (I was with my mom). This time, he was better about letting me know that he was leaving the bar and taking a nap in his car because he was too drunk to drive back. About an hour later, I found out he was actually napping in the car in our apartment garage with his uncle in the backseat. He apparently didn't want to come up because he "didn't want to wake me"...when he could have just been quiet about it, come to bed, and his uncle could have crashed on the couch. The last time he did this, he was about to sleep in his car all night. Both times he only came home after I asked him to. I found that very strange and a little suspicious...is he doing something he doesn't want me to know about? Is that why he won't come home and would rather sleep in the car? 

And the other thing - he smokes when he knows I won't be there, because he knows that being a smoker is a dealbreaker for me (I have asthma, and I had an ex who was a chain-smoker, and I found it disgusting). In times when he's stressed, he'll smoke in front of me, and not care and tell me to leave him alone because he's stressed. His family and friends are almost all smokers, as well. Very often I'll find a pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket, because his friends/uncle give it to him.

I have to figure out something with the lease since we still have a year left, because I know he's going to give me a hard time about leaving and signing my name off and get angry/guilt-trip me. He's also isolated me from some of my old friends who would have jumped to help me, and most my family live in other states. In the meantime, the next time he does this, I'm just going to stay out all night myself (probably just go stay over with my mom's) and come home the next day whenever I want. I thought about locking him out, too. Or I might just pack my bags and leave the next time he's out and wants to act disrespectfully and single. I know he acts like this because there are no consequences.

This guy is really controlling and emotionally abusive. He has no right to cut you off from your friends. Especially considering the company he keeps himself! All drunks,  liars and chain smokers. The thing is though, you can't change people. He's getting annoyed at you telling him off because this is exactly who he is and wants to be and he doesn't want to be told anything different. It's actually up to you not to dare people who really don't match what you want. For example, even if he was a nice guy buy he was a smoker and you have asthma, he would be wrong for you. You write that smoking is a dealbreaker and yet you began to date a smoker. People are who they are and do what they do. He's in his 30's, a fully grown adult and he's not going to change. It's up to you to remove yourself from people like this. 

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Move out this weekend. Contact the landlord or property manager and tell them you must move out because it is not safe for you to remain. Don't give details unless they insist. 

Then make sure he has no way to contact you. No one can be more convincing than a contrite alcoholic and no one wants to believe them more than their partner. But he is a binge drinking alcoholic and he will not stop, no matter how many "talks" you have with him.

And for the future, do not move in together so quickly. You knew he has a drinking problem but you didn't know how bad it is because you didn't really know him. Exercise caution going forward.

Edited by boltnrun
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I know you're angry and upset but don't antagonize the situation or lock him out or try teaching him a lesson. Please just leave. Take your things safely and get out of the lease and leave. Don't waste the energies you have on getting even or making him feel bad. Redirect and focus all of it now on you and moving past this. 

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19 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I know you're angry and upset but don't antagonize the situation or lock him out or try teaching him a lesson. Please just leave. Take your things safely and get out of the lease and leave. Don't waste the energies you have on getting even or making him feel bad. Redirect and focus all of it now on you and moving past this. 

I agree.  How silly to play games.  And, what makes you think he would care- he never has.  He is an alcoholic!  Stop wasting your life.

No one can make you lose friends, that was your choice.

Edited by Hollyj
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