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How to cope/move on from being ghosted


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Hi there.

I posted some of what was happening a month ago. You can read it here if you haven't

And well, I was ghosted but now I'm finding difficult to move on. I don't know how to heal and my mental health is suffering a lot (I'm gonna see a counsellor, but that's next week). I can't sleep at night, my anxiety is completely out of control and my depression is back. Nothing brings me peace, not even the things I love. So, yeah I guess I'm just looking for some advice here since I can't function properly at the moment and I hate all of these feelings because I feel worthless, lonely and invisible.

So yeah, if you have any advice and maybe give me hope that at the end I'm gonna be ok, I'll appreciate that.

x

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I don't think he ghosted you -many people don't contact after only a few dates and silence means lack of interest -I'm sorry!  He is a stranger who you didn't know who contacted you and then stopped contacting you.  My advice is the same as you got on the previous thread.  You will be ok until you see a counsellor (good for you for getting an appointment!!)  if you choose to get busy, if you choose to move your body every day briskly for at least 20 minutes, hopefully 30 (running/power walking/dancing/vigorous floor scrubbing whatever) - this is not at all about the guy.  He was a stranger and likely not available for a relationship.  This simply triggered a problem with your level of anxiety and you're blaming it on this situation but it would have been triggered anyway so it's great you're seeing a counselor.

 

  Also see if there is any covid-safe volunteering you can do -last spring I called senior citizens who lived alone to check in on them/see what they needed as part of an organized program.  Took me less than an hour a week and I felt like I contributed something.  Feeling like you contributed something combats feelings of worthlessness is my best -non-professional- guess.

You will be ok. He didn't ghost you - you ghosted yourself -you abandoned your own common sense and well being and chose to interact with a stranger in a way that was very high risk to your health  - don't ghost yourself or lie to yourself, ok?

Edited by Batya33
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When you have a fulfilling life besides having a romantic interest, you will be far less devastated when the relationship ends. You will feel the normal upset of losing someone you care about, but not not go into a huge tailspin.

Work on plan of getting that fulfilling life. Once it's safe to do so, If you have girlfriends, spend time with them. And don't talk about your misery. That keeps you in a bad mental space. Enjoy their company, cooking together, putting on music and dancing, hike in a park. If you don't have friends, join Meetup.com and/or start a hobby you can be passionate about. Like the other poster said, do volunteer work. Learn to enjoy alone time, reading, listening to books, doing fun exercise you can find by streaming programs or finding them on Youtube like kickboxing, bellydancing, dance aerobics. Work on continuing education if your career needs a boost.

Don't date again until you your life is set up so that you want to share your happiness, but not have someone be the sole reason for your happiness.

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I concur with both of the above replies; since you didn't really know this guy and never even actually spoke to him, you have to consider it more as "I was 'talking' to a guy online and he just stopped talking" -- NOT as the end of a relationship or as a rejection of you personally.   That's part of what is exacerbating your anxiety and depression -- the idea this is somehow about YOU and something you did wrong.  It's not.  

My guess is that this guy is either married or in a relationship; there are ways you can check into this by searching his first and last name online (if, in fact, he's given you his real name). I once had an ex contact me again after nearly a decade, and a simple online search brought up enough information to let me know he was married (or at least that he had been only a few months prior to contacting me), and I shut him down immediately when I questioned him about it and he lied.  (I saw pics of him and his wife on vacation, a bulletin from their church naming them as donors to the church fund, etc.!)  I'm not sure there's a point in you searching for this guy's marital/relationship status online, though, as you haven't heard from him in awhile and it looks like he's disappeared.

Both Batya33 and Andrina have great advice for you: You need to focus your mind/life on other things -- exercise, hobbies, things to keep your mind focused on YOU and NOT on some guy who disappeared on you.  I remember a therapist once telling me that I was so hung up on an ex because "You don't have enough going on in your life." At first, I was a bit offended, but then I realized...she was right.  I was focusing so heavily on him because I really didn't have enough going on!  So...I started having more going on -- exercise, hanging out with friends, joining groups, focusing more on my work, etc.  It helped tremendously.  Just exercising really helped, and it's still something that helps keep me focused when life is stressful.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Most of us have felt "ghosted" at one time or another, but as you weren't really in a relationship with this guy -- or even dating him technically -- try not to think of it as "ghosting" but more as you were texting with someone who just stopped texting.  If you frame it that way in your mind, rather than as someone dumping/rejecting you in some way (and again, he can't reject you or dump you if you weren't really dating to begin with) it will start to feel better.  

Hang in there.

 

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With having a history of depression & anxiety?  I am sure your Dr knows?  Have they given you anything for your anxiety at least?

You need to fight this 'frame of mind'- and the fact that people make choices.. sadly HE led you on- but, he was also 3 hrs away.. He's got a son.. and he should have just  explained himself better- and left you alone, instead of leading you on :/ .

You are not worthless, because of some distant guys who was just flirting around.

You've had depression etc in the past- so this just triggered it again?  How about get a journal going & write out all of those feelings & thoughts- as if you're talking- can be a good release.

Also, try hard to change your focus - away from this odd dude.  Focus on you.. make sure you try to keep up with self care ❤️ .

Yah, some people are messed up, use others, lead them on etc.. But is not about you :) 

TC

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3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

With having a history of depression & anxiety?  I am sure your Dr knows?  Have they given you anything for your anxiety at least?

You need to fight this 'frame of mind'- and the fact that people make choices.. sadly HE led you on- but, he was also 3 hrs away.. He's got a son.. and he should have just  explained himself better- and left you alone, instead of leading you on 😕 .

You are not worthless, because of some distant guys who was just flirting around.

You've had depression etc in the past- so this just triggered it again?  How about get a journal going & write out all of those feelings & thoughts- as if you're talking- can be a good release.

Also, try hard to change your focus - away from this odd dude.  Focus on you.. make sure you try to keep up with self care ❤️ .

Yah, some people are messed up, use others, lead them on etc.. But is not about you 🙂

TC

No, I'm not taking anything for my anxiety at the moment and yeah, this event plus other personal issues I'm having triggered my depression again. And yeah, I'm writing a lot actually. It helps me for a bit. Thanks for your reply

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I would go back and see what contributes to all of this. People are a series of actions and reactions. What he did or you did or the both of you did together (meeting, talking, sexting, on/off.. etc) are all either additions or subtractions to your life. You met each other? Plus. He lives three hours away? Not a plus, probably a negative. Your interactions were on/off or unpredictable? Also a negative. I think as soon as you see how some scenarios just aren't that great, you'll learn to stay away from them and also stay away from charismatic or alluring figures who lure you in with false promises, grandiose plans or words and great compliments. 

We all fall flat now and then and get tripped up by people we'd rather not have met or situations we'd rather not have gone through. It's happened so don't beat yourself up over it. Just learn from it and move forwards. I'd take the lessons from the situation, not the person. People are always variable and you'll also have a chance to distance yourself from the person aggravating you or causing you grief. Both situations and people (negative ones) can be avoided if you know what signs to look out for early. 

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8 hours ago, Lunatique93 said:

I can't sleep at night, my anxiety is completely out of control and my depression is back. Nothing brings me peace, not even the things I love. So, yeah I guess I'm just looking for some advice here since I can't function properly at the moment and I hate all of these feelings because I feel worthless, lonely and invisible.

I think it's really just going to be a matter of time, unfortunately. The only way out is through, as they say. 

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You might  want to look up the work limerence. It is a word used to describe people who get very intense crushes to others who may or may not reciprocate. There is a spectrum and I feel I am on it.  When the limerent person is receiving attention from the person, they are high on life, however when the attention disappears they become very depressed. You have to cut yourself off of this person.m Force yourself to stop thinking about them, don’t follow on social media, etc. There are some in-depth explanations as to why this happens. I suggest you read up on the subject so you can understand your triggers.

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How do you cope or move on from being ghosted?  Change the way you think.  Instead of feeling sorry for yourself or pitying yourself, say, "Good riddance!"  He doesn't deserve you!  You deserve to be treated with respect, dignity, empathy and integrity.  Anything short of that, is a waste of your time, energy, resources and life. 

I've been ghosted and then un-ghosted.  My first school of thought is distrust.  Anyone who is that abrupt with me and doesn't give me the courtesy of at least a courteous even curt or terse forewarning is a jerk.  Then when they came around and attempted to resume a relationship or friendship with me, I was civil yet kept them at a safe, polite, frosty distance.  If they ghosted me permanently, I actually felt quite RELIEVED.  Don't bother me.  I am FREE. 

Learn to move on instead of constantly ruminating and dwelling on him because believe me, he couldn't care less about you and NOT putting forth the same attention and energy for you so why should you for him?  Wipe your hands clean of him and get a fresh start in your life.  Do a reset and have positive thoughts of surrounding yourself with moral people from now on even if virtually.  You will find comfort and solace when you reprogram your brain.

Edited by Cherylyn
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I found it liberating to recognize that most people are NOT our match.

This isn't cynical, it's natural odds. We each hold unique value, and a certain lens is required to recognize and appreciate what is valuable about each us.

Some perfectly fine people may not hold the capacity to view you through the right lens. This speaks of their limits rather than of any reflection on you.

The right person for you will see YOU. When someone fails to 'get you', that's their limitation to another kind of person rather than a deficiency in you.

Grasping this is important to peace of mind, acceptance of Self, and an ability to lean IN to who you are. 

You are inherently valuable. This value exists beyond your current ability to recognize it, or not.

If you haven't yet found your own private passion or purpose, this doesn't mean that you don't own value. It just means that you need to trust your process of growing into yourself.

If you can trust your growth, you will also trust your value. You won't feel a need to sell anyone who doesn't own the right lens to see you.

You can relax and hold out for simpatico with the right person who 'gets you'. You won't need to appeal to masses of people who don't even matter.

It only takes ONE for love. Finding love is like finding a needle in a haystack. It's rare, or what would be so special about it?

Adopt patience and resilience. Hold out for the love you deserve. Screen your dates carefully, and allow wrong matches to pass early. You will thank yourself later.

Edited by catfeeder
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11 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

You might  want to look up the work limerence. It is a word used to describe people who get very intense crushes to others who may or may not reciprocate. There is a spectrum and I feel I am on it.  When the limerent person is receiving attention from the person, they are high on life, however when the attention disappears they become very depressed. You have to cut yourself off of this person.m Force yourself to stop thinking about them, don’t follow on social media, etc. There are some in-depth explanations as to why this happens. I suggest you read up on the subject so you can understand your triggers.

Thank u. I'll check that out

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What exactly do you think about when you lay in bed with anxiety? What is keeping you up at night? Are you confused as to why he did this? Asking yourself was it something you did or said? Are you questioning if you are not worthy of a relationship? I am curious to know why would you be this upset over someone you never touched. 

Breaking up is indeed a mindset. And right now you are taking the brunt of it for (in all honesty no good reason). Let me tell you from a guys point of view who has done exactly what this guy did okay. I have been that guy so I can come up with some good ideas as to why he did what he did. 

The easiest reason would be that he wasnt fully honest with you. He had a life he was hiding from you and he didnt want you to know about. He could of been married or had a GF or been dating other girls on the side or all 3, but the point is, he wasnt 100% honest about his life with you. Ever notice that he would disappear or only be reachable at certain times? But I can say with some certainty that he was hiding a lot about his life from you. 

Another reason is that you were probably easy to manipulate. As horrible as that sounds sometimes there are people that are easy to manipulate. I was really good at being able to read what a woman searched for in a man and be exactly that man. I was a great listener, great conversationalist, I could talk about myself and you would still know nothing about me. Being manipulated is nothing to be ashamed of or think it was your fault. 

One other reason is that he just liked talking to you but not enough to actually meet you. This refers back to my first reason is that he was not entirely open about his life. 

How do you move on from this? It is a mindset. You have to know that you are an amazing, beautiful, wonderful, smart woman and this guy is a total jerk. You have to believe that you deserve better than this guy and he missed out on a great chance at a beautiful relationship. It is his loss, not yours. Men need you more than you need us. He is going to eventually come back thinking you are easy to manipulate again and when that time comes, you can tell him that you are not going to be controlled, manipulated, bargained with anymore. His time is over. 

So please dont cry anymore over this jerk. He used you for his own ego. This is what he does and I can almost guarantee that you are not the only one. He is probably working on someone new right now. Truth is, your life is better without him in it. Keep him out of it and find someone that is real that you can actually touch. 

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8 hours ago, No1 said:

What exactly do you think about when you lay in bed with anxiety? What is keeping you up at night? Are you confused as to why he did this? Asking yourself was it something you did or said? Are you questioning if you are not worthy of a relationship?

All of that, yes. My self-esteem wasn't that good before this, in fact I was working on it and on my self-love before he entered into my life and I feel I have taken a step back with all of this. Also, you are right, I was easily manipulated and I'm realising that now. The truth is that I have 0 experience with guys and I know that's strange but well, I've been fighting with mental illness almost all my life and dating was like the last thing on my mind, even though I always wanted a relationship. I know now I was super naive and I was easy prey for him.

Thank you for your words. They are much appreciated.

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And that is okay to admit that you were naive and easily bought into his BS. But now that you know that he was the one, then you really shouldnt have to lose sleep over it. 

So now lets talk about esteem and going to state the obvious. You attracted someone. Granted he wasnt the one for you but you attracted someone. Understand there is no reason why you cant attract another one right? But someone better.. 🙂

Hold your head up high.. know you are a great person, attractive and any guy should be lucky to be with you. 

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