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Bf shuts me down every time we argue


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Almost every time I’m in an argument with my boyfriend, he tells me I’m just trying to not be wrong. I don’t feel that way at all and feel like I’m only expressing something that upset me or was hurtful. I don’t feel like it’s fair to immediately say that I’m just trying to not be wrong when I’m genuinely hurt. Him saying that immediately puts me on the defensive. If I disagree with what he says and say my reasons why, he immediately shuts it down and says I’m making excuses because I can’t admit my wrongs. He will then ignore me and say he doesn’t want to listen to me “b*tching”. In my opinion, that’s really insulting to say. He will say insulting things like this repeatedly and when I finally say he is acting like an a**hole and being so disrespectful, he immediately says it was so wrong to call him a name and uses this against me. The only option he gives me is to confirm his belief that I’m trying to not be wrong. I feel because of that, we get nowhere in any discussion and it only divides us further. What can I do? Is there any thing I can say to try to help him see what’s wrong with this? I don’t know what exactly to do anymore. 

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What are the arguments about? No the personal attacks are not going to work.  Use I statements "I feel disrespected when you act this this way"  - do you always express your feelings whenever you feel them, whatever the timing -or do you wait till you are calmer/when it might be a better time schedule-wise? 

Tell him it's not a right or wrong thing.  At all.  Say "when you say ___ I feel ____".  Are there perhaps battles you might choose to let go?  Do you have a need to be right?

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How long have you been together?

Speaking for myself only, I know I could not live with someone like that - it would suck the life out of me and life is too short to waste so much time and energy on someone who seems to thrive on being a disrespectful jerk, but that's just me.

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I don't want to jump to that conclusion -she is referring to it as an argument but with more information I would know -is it an "argument" or constant venting? When is she raising the issue -as he's leaving for work or doing work? And if she's called him names in the past then he might not be willing to engage with her for the next argument.  I get her frustration but I want more info.

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ok word for word we need an example of one of those arguments in the most truthful manner, excluding how you feel. I'm not interested in picking sides, I want to help guide the both of you on how to communicate better with each other...maybe discover a different approach to resolving issues.

Edited by smackie9
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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't want to jump to that conclusion -she is referring to it as an argument but with more information I would know -is it an "argument" or constant venting? When is she raising the issue -as he's leaving for work or doing work? And if she's called him names in the past then he might not be willing to engage with her for the next argument.  I get her frustration but I want more info.

True, true.  I agree more info would help.

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1 hour ago, peachpixie8 said:

. If I disagree with what he says and say my reasons why, he immediately shuts it down and says I’m making excuses because I can’t admit my wrongs. He will then ignore me and say he doesn’t want to listen to me “b*tching”. In my opinion, that’s really insulting to say. He will say insulting things like this repeatedly and when I finally say he is acting like an a**hole and being so disrespectful, he immediately says it was so wrong to call him a name and uses this against me

To me, it sounds like high defenses and manipulating. 

What is this - trying not to be wrong thing? I gather, if you are wrong- you admit it, but will speak up if needed.

Communication is an issue.. causing neither to be able to explain or express yourselves properly & clear things up? 

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35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't want to jump to that conclusion -she is referring to it as an argument but with more information I would know -is it an "argument" or constant venting? When is she raising the issue -as he's leaving for work or doing work? And if she's called him names in the past then he might not be willing to engage with her for the next argument.  I get her frustration but I want more info.

This argument was about us planning a night together but he was 3 hours late and we haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together recently. I told him it hurt my feelings that he was late when I had made plans with him and I was asking him why he was late. He immediately said he would not come over anymore because I was “b*tching”. He does have anger issues. If I ask why to anything he says or does in those situations or express that I think it’s wrong, that’s something he will say I’m trying to not be wrong about. I don’t feel a need to be right which is why I’m so confused by him saying this all the time. I feel there are times where I’m actually hurt by what he does and I try to express that in the best way. I ask him to offer an explanation or ask him what his true intentions were. Things like that. In my head, this works perfectly. He will explain and both of us will understand each other better. Nothing will be escalated and we will still have a great day. It rarely ever goes that way though. It’s immediately that I am doing something wrong by saying anything about this and I’m trying to start a fight or I’m making excuses to not admit my wrongs. I did say sorry after I called him a name but he made me feel forced to apologize, there was no answer for anything he did or anything he said. It was just that I needed to apologize to him so he would not be mad anymore. That rubs me the wrong way because I feel he was so disrespectful right off the bat to me when I was just trying to get answers and say I was upset. I agree that it’s not about being right or wrong. We have been together for 2 years btw.

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Stop tolerating the bad behavior...2 years is too long to put up with it, time to kick him to the curb...that's your only cure of this....why? because he will never listen, so nothing will ever change. Things stand as they are always. That's the reality of it.

Edited by smackie9
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9 minutes ago, peachpixie8 said:

I told him it hurt my feelings that he was late when I had made plans with him and I was asking him why he was late. He immediately said he would not come over anymore because I was “b*tching”. He does have anger issues.

- To have anger issue's is not good.

- His response was he would not come over anymore?  Is that a solution?  A threat?

Is he possibly frustrated over a few things?  Does he have a rough past- maybe another ex, who he may be affected over, still?

How old is he?

11 minutes ago, peachpixie8 said:

. I did say sorry after I called him a name but he made me feel forced to apologize, there was no answer for anything he did or anything he said.

So he is okay to say you are btchn, but you can't say anything... Really no names need to be used in your approach in a 'discussion'.... As a show of 'anger or frustration/hostility can result in more anger/upset.

 

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3 hours late (disrespectful of your time but not his) without an apology or compensation (make up for it) makes him a narcissist. He only cares about himself, his wants and needs, no regard for how others feel, he can do no wrong, and refuses to be criticized, places blame, etc.

Edited by smackie9
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43 minutes ago, peachpixie8 said:

This argument was about us planning a night together but he was 3 hours late and we haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together recently. I told him it hurt my feelings that he was late when I had made plans with him and I was asking him why he was late. He immediately said he would not come over anymore because I was “b*tching”. He does have anger issues. If I ask why to anything he says or does in those situations or express that I think it’s wrong, that’s something he will say I’m trying to not be wrong about. I don’t feel a need to be right which is why I’m so confused by him saying this all the time. I feel there are times where I’m actually hurt by what he does and I try to express that in the best way. I ask him to offer an explanation or ask him what his true intentions were. Things like that. In my head, this works perfectly. He will explain and both of us will understand each other better. Nothing will be escalated and we will still have a great day. It rarely ever goes that way though. It’s immediately that I am doing something wrong by saying anything about this and I’m trying to start a fight or I’m making excuses to not admit my wrongs. I did say sorry after I called him a name but he made me feel forced to apologize, there was no answer for anything he did or anything he said. It was just that I needed to apologize to him so he would not be mad anymore. That rubs me the wrong way because I feel he was so disrespectful right off the bat to me when I was just trying to get answers and say I was upset. I agree that it’s not about being right or wrong. We have been together for 2 years btw.

I really appreciate the information.  So it's most of the time but not all the time sounds like.  I definitely think he should apologize immediately if he is late!! Why are you with someone who has anger issues?  Does he think he does?  Is he getting help or does he practice ways to handle - you know like get better sleep, exercise more, breathing techniques, pausing, etc? Calling him names is probably not the best course for you and I get it -your frustration.  I am sorry

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It’s called gaslighting.  This guy does not play fair or Accept responsibility.  Why have you continued to accept this?  
 

This guy is a total jerk.  Dump him! 

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8 hours ago, peachpixie8 said:

This argument was about  he was 3 hours late. We have been together for 2 years.

Sorry this is happening. You need to pull way back. If you're chronically bickering like this it's time to reevaluate.

Stop explaining your feelings to him in these passive aggressive ways. If he's 3 hours late you reschedule. It's that simple.

You are rewarding bad behaviors by sticking around waiting. You are also contributing to the conflicts with name calling, "I felt disrespected" tirades etc.

Take some time to calm down and reflect if this relationship is what you want. Learn to communicate effectively. Mean what you say, say what you mean.

Skip the  psychobabble. Dressing up things with "I felt..." is thinly veiled passive aggressive nonsense.

If someone is blowing you off by being that late why roll over and take it rather than cancel? 

Isn't your time worth anything? Pull yourself together and decide if this much toxicity is worth having someone in your life.

Edited by Wiseman2
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9 hours ago, peachpixie8 said:

He does have anger issues. 

And is he doing anything to address this?

The way he invalidates you during an argument is an extension of his underlying problems. You cannot fix that. If he doesn't see it an issue worthy of changing, well, it's always going to be like this. 

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Next time this comes up, give no extra attention to the matter at all. Resist the urge to over-explain. He is not stupid and I'm sure he knows what bothers you by now. When or if things calm down, then pick a time that works to talk about what bothers the both of you.

Is he often late or disrespectful of your time? How do you plan dates on a regular basis if you can't trust whether your partner will show up? 

Re-evaluate whether this is working for you. I think you're hanging on to the good times and not certain what to do with what the relationship has become. If you don't sense any effort or intentions to be with you, how can you continue to pour yourself into this? 

 

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Two things:

1) YOU cannot fix or change how someone else argues or handles conflict. Period.

2) He will not change what he is doing because it's working for him just fine and there are no consequences. Meaning that he shuts you down, treats you like dirt, and manipulates you and you are still around dating him and trying to hang on to this toxic relationship. 

What you are doing is the equivalent of getting into a sparring match where you fight by the rules and he comes at you punching below the belt. He wins, you lose. You are left sitting wringing your hands asking "why won't he play by the rules?" Because it works for him and you lose every single time and will continue to lose. The ONLY way for you to ever win is to LEAVE HIM. Please stop wasting your life and time on this guy. Healthy relationship are not this roller coaster ride and aren't this toxic. You are confused and feeling constantly off balance and upset because he is gaslighting you and manipulating you. Please please get rid of him. You'll be amazed at the peace and relief you'll feel.

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You tell him that you feel hurt and then he flips you on the mat and makes you the bad guy.  Before you can catch your breath you find yourself defending yourself and your original pain never gets addressed?  Does that sound about right?

It's an abuse tactic or at best, a really nasty and toxic way of handling conflicts. Conflicts in a relationship are normal.  But to be able to stay in a relationship you need to have empathy for your partner.  This guy has none.  

What happens is you end up with a life time of unresolved issues and you no longer feel safe, heard or connected. 

You are already starting to second guess yourself and it's as if you have your hand in the fire and wondering if it really does hurt.  Because the person closest to you that should care the most is reflecting back to you that your experience is wrong and it doesn't matter.  Not only does your pain not matter, you are just being b*tch and fighting to be right.  

When I was in your shoes, the best analogy I could come up with is - imagine being hit by a car.  You tell your partner that you got hurt by being hit by the car.  They hate hearing that information so much, so to quiet you they back the car up and run over you again.   

I know this dance well and it doesn't get better.   The window to learn empathy is when you are child.  If the opportunity was missed, you unfortunately do not learn it as an adult.

He has hallmark signs of being emotionally abusive.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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Have you considered what's in it for you to be with someone who isn't interested in how you feel or what you think--and doesn't even value your time?

 

Edited by catfeeder
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Google "gaslighting" to figure out if he's using this psychological warfare on you.  It is the oldest trick in the book.  I've known several people in my life who are masters at gaslighting.  The answer is easy for me.  I say, "I'm out and good-bye."  (If I can't get rid of some people, I enforce very strong boundaries with them and never allow them the opportunity to gaslight me anymore, however, I don't live with them either so it's easier in my case.) 

Your boyfriend lacks empathy and no one can have a successful relationship (or friendship) with those who lack empathy.  Relationships which lack empathy are doomed for failure.  He's also an ineffective, communicator.  He lacks "emotional intelligence."  Google "emotional intelligence." 

Some people become hotheaded and emotional instead of calm and peaceful.  They don't try to resolve issues.  They'd rather wear you down until you slink away in defeat.  It's manipulation and power over you until you shut up.  It's nothing I hadn't been on the receiving end before.

Your boyfriend disrespects you.  You can't change him.  You need to dump him!  Your boyfriend needs to take a long walk on a short pier.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yes this is gaslighting and one I have experienced first hand. Here is an example. The last time my abuser was here, he begged me to go sit on the dock with him on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. He missed me and just wanted to spend some bonding time together. I am not fond of the sun, but he seemed eager to spend time with me, which is not something he had been doing for quite some time. So I did. As we sat there, I mentioned how hard it must be to deal with drunk people in a bar and he just stated "well, I haven't' seem that one woman you asked about since I slept at her place last year". I felt like someone took something injected into my heart and mind and sat there stunned. I had no clue he had relations or even slept with this other woman. As if I just heard something that I was not suppose to hear. No clue where this came from. So when I tried to get up, he tried to stop me from leaving. I lied and said everything was ok to get to safe space and got into my car and drove off. He then commanded that I was throwing him out and that the reason he is not with me is because I throw him out. That I was kicking him out. He did this a lot. Orchestrated these gaslighting situations in which I felt like I was losing my mind. When in reality he tried to get me to cuddle up to me drop a year old bomb that he knew would traumatize me. I I would have never wanted to know or hear about this, just for him  to have an excuse to say that I am evil and kicked him out "on the street". To did day he says I kicked him out when he orchestrated the entire things and made me feel as if I was going crazy.. Cherylyn is right.  He does not respect me, I cannot change him and this is in fact abuse. I now can hold a visual of thinking he needs to take a walk off a short pier which just so happens to be my dock and I am feeling empowered with that visual as the burial of our relationship setting. Keep in mind people like this are NEVER wrong in their eyes. No empathy, and nor remorse or. I pray you feel better and send a big hug to you and all those that are here to care for each other in love and grace.

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6 hours ago, Mel11 said:

Thank you.

Gaslighters are masters at making you think that you're losing your mind or going crazy.  This is their exact intent.  Gaslighting leaves you feeling confused and the next thing you know, you're convinced that you are the nutcase and not them!  Never fall for a gaslighter's tricks.  They're a manipulative, sneaky lot.  Outsmart them at their own game by fleeing and escaping the grip they have on your life!  You need to survive so protect yourself and completely disassociate yourself from a very sick person who resorts to gaslighting you forever as long as you permit them to do so.  Sever all contact permanently in order to have peace of mind and start anew.

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