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So I’ve been dating this guy for 5 months now. The first month things where literally fantastic, he called me every day, he texted me constantly, I felt like a true priority and important to him. Not only did I know, I felt it. But then it slowly trailed off, we ran into some issues, I started annoying him and that changed things. I finally got him recently to tell me the problems. I do some stuff that really annoys him, and he has a hard time with patients. We said we are going to work on things even though breaking up would be the easy thing to do. But I can tell things just aren’t the same, his texts are short, I know he still loves me and wants to be with me. But the withdraw is hard. I’m trying to work on not being as annoying and not as needy. But if I keep doing this and should things go back to how they are? Or will they never go back to how they where? What do I do? I want to talk to him about why his messages seem so short and ask why he’s withdrawing. But deep down I know that it’s because throughout the months he’s grown distant and I started to get on his nerves. I just want things to go back to how they where 

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11 minutes ago, Thankyouforurhelp said:

So I’ve been dating this guy for 5 months now. 

I’m trying to work on not being as annoying and not as needy. 

Sorry to hear this. Is this just things normalizing?  What exactly does he mean by "needy and annoying"? 

Try not to change too much for anyone. Is there a reason he's being cold and distant? Don't you find that "annoying"?

How old is he? Is he on/off with a GF or recently broken up with someone? 

Unless you want to see him or text him constantly what is he complaining about? 

Unfortunately he may be doing a coward's 'slow fade' so he can keep the sex going without a real relationship.

 

 

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Maybe it’s things normalizing. But I think it started when I was having some issues and I was putting a lot of my problems on him and making him feel like he couldn’t help me. So he started pulling away, then other things where getting on his nerves and he wouldn’t tell me until it got bad.

im not sure why he’s being cold or distant. It’s weird. I don’t think he’s talking to anyone else. He’s the type of guy who doesn’t waste his time so he if he didn’t want to be with me or wanted someone else he would immediately leave. 
 

it just kinda feels like he’s not as interested, and he’s kinda short with me. But I think it’s my fault 

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To be pulling away after just a month?  I don't know why you are sticking around for his moodiness and pulling away?

Do YOU think you're too needy or did put too much onto him too quickly?

As for 'love', I doubt that.  Lust is there in the beginning.  Love develops over time.  But you guys don't have that by sounds of it.

To me, he sounds like he's not all that into it 😞  And to be acting like this with you - the decrease of interest , lack of communication etc.  Shows problems already.. no good.

Do you two talk face to face often?  Or more texts?  That is not a good way to discuss anything.

Either way, at this rate, nothing is progressing, but failing, you feel.

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30 minutes ago, Thankyouforurhelp said:

 he started pulling away

Ok, pull back more yourself. Let him reach out to you. Talk more to trusted friends or trusted family about problems. Get more involved in school/work, hobbies, interests etc.  be more unavailable.

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Maybe he's not that into you, sorry. Usually men are not huge fans of texting, they obviously text more at the beginning of a relationship, but I think it's weird to be pulling away after 1 month. Maybe the two of you are not compatible. Try to pull away too, don't text him too much and let him make the effort to talk to you.

Edited by kim42
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Do you have a fulfilling life besides having a bf, or is he the sole center of your universe? Did you actually regularly meet up in person? Did you sit back and let him make effort in get togethers and in texting or did you always reach out first? If you were the one making most of the effort most of the time, learn from your mistake. You shouldn't remain in something subpar. If someone isn't pulling their weight and you're not happy with how things are going, why do you cling like a barnacle to something as unfeeling and motionless as a rock?

Perhaps if you have low self esteem, you subconsciously think that's all you're worth having--a guy who ignores you. Some guys are too cowardly to break up or want to avoid drama and will start treating the woman like crap so she'll pull the plug. 

With the right man, you won't feel like an annoyance. He'll treat you as the special person you are. Has anybody else ever complained that you were needy and clingy, or is it just him? What's your behavior in this regard? Hard to know if the complaint is justified or not without details.

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I don't think you are getting on his nerves...he's not feeling it anymore and so it seems you are annoying him. Yes breakup, there is no going back when they feel that way about you. He's just being a coward...and gosh you put up with this for 4 months? it was over then. breaking up is the best thing to do.

Edited by smackie9
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You may have come on a little too strong, he's realized how vulnerable you are and it's a turn off overall. Dial back all the texting and calls and check yourself when you feel any impulse or need to feel validated via text or call from this person you've only known for five months. If you're waking up every day hanging onto his every word or looking forward to what he's about to say or text, I think you've started to place too much emphasis on this person in too short a span of time. 

Dating should be fun and exhilarating and joyful and positive but it shouldn't feel like you're taking a hit of something each time and nervous if someone doesn't respond in a certain time frame or with the way that you exactly want them too. I think you're too dependent on him. Let go a bit. 

Refocus back on you and let things unfold naturally. If he's turned off, then that's fine. Take a break and then get to know other people but slow things down a little. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Do you agree that what you've done is annoying and or needy, clingy?

I don't think it is very cool for a partner to be so blunt. Like what I mean is... if we're sitting somewhere together and you're tapping a pencil. it's one thing for me to say, "can you stop? that's annoying"

It's different to have to have a conversation about how you annoy me in life. I've been completely in love with someone and yes, they could and did get on my nerves. at times.. but I didn't say it that way to them.  

There's honest conversation and there's condescension. 

It's like a meme I saw... before you go diagnosing yourself with depression, make sure you are in fact not surrounded by asses.

I would dump this guy. Find someone that appreciates the very things that annoy him so bad.

I once got dumped cause I was annoying... broke my heart but hey, no one has the right to judge you like that. Maybe I was annoying. Maybe that guy can kiss butt!

Dump him and see how fast he changes his tune. if he doesn't,  you did yourself a favor.  you took your self respect back. because this is a power play on his part. You're always gonna be on egg shells.

I'd just let him know I gave what he said some thought and I am not willing to change to be less annoying. Sorry!  not!

Edited by Lambert
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23 hours ago, Thankyouforurhelp said:

But then it slowly trailed off, we ran into some issues, I started annoying him and that changed things. I finally got him recently to tell me the problems. I do some stuff that really annoys him, and he has a hard time with patients. We said we are going to work on things even though breaking up would be the easy thing to do. But I can tell things just aren’t the same, his texts are short, I know he still loves me and wants to be with me. But the withdraw is hard. I’m trying to work on not being as annoying and not as needy.

It honestly would help if you were more specific, like how are you needy or annoying?

My guess, and it's just a guess: Living during a pandemic can be exhausting and energy draining, especially since the pandemic adds another layer to whatever else we were facing before. So, having to deal with other stuff on top of it, on a regular basis - there's now less mental capacity to do that. Ideally, you'd want to be with someone who is going to make life more enjoyable and easier during this season.

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Sure, dumping all of our stuff on a lover can suffocate them and drive them away. It's best to always ask, "If I were handling this stuff while not in a relationship, what would I do?" Then try doing that to learn how well you can cope solo.

Nobody wants to be another person's lifeline. Too much pressure.

This doesn't mean we can never share stuff, but there's a difference between talking through what I want to handle myself versus dumping my stuff on someone who cannot live my life FOR me.

So if you want to see how things work out, adopt self sufficiency and resilience as your goal. You'll need those life skills anyway, regardless of your relationship status.

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Since he's not enthusiastic about having an in depth, thorough, at length discussion with you about the relationship itself, his feelings and reasons for withdrawing from you, perhaps he's not for you and you're not for him.  Instead of communicating with you verbally, he prefers to drift apart and eventually fade away from you because it's easier than expressing his feelings to you which is a red flag IMHO.   Some guys are about action and not explaining anything to you.  They just scram.

From now on and in the future, regardless of who it is, back off from relentless, incessant texting, messages, emails, electronic communication, voice mails and the like.  No one wants to be hounded and chained to their phone 24 / 7.  Keep correspondence light, brief and INFREQUENT.  Too much familiarity breeds contempt. 

Behave yourself from now on and don't annoy him anymore.  If your new behavior isn't good enough for him, he hasn't forgiven you and holds onto grudges or doesn't trust you because he thinks you're clingy and insecure.  Learn from your past mistakes, do better and it's all you can do.  If he's losing interest, there's nothing you can do about it.  If this is the case, it's time for YOU to move on. 

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