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Christian Breakup - Holy Spirit?

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On 2/21/2021 at 2:36 AM, DruggistDoggo said:

A few days later Mom and I got into conflict about C crying, where I stood up for her and my Mom felt she should have "pulled up her big girl panties", "grow up", and respect the household.

C called me that night and I shared the stressful incident and how I tried to navigate it.

Did she cry in front of your Mom, or did you tell your Mom about it?

And why would you go back to your partner and tell her what your Mom said about it?

Your lack of adult discretion poisoned your own well.

It's never smart to share your complaints about your partner with a parent. You're either mature enough to manage your relationship or seek advice from a neutral party such as a friend, counselor, clergy or therapist rather than position a family member 'against' your partner.

Once you plant a foul seed within your family, the relationship between your partner and family will never be 'peaceful'.

You caused that tension. And for what purpose?

If you don't yet own the adult discretion to keep your private matters with a partner private, then you are not yet ready for that kind of commitment.

Your ex saw this, and she recognized that she can never have a harmonious relationship with her future MIL, and so she opted out.

That's on you, and it's doubtful you can fix what you broke.

Edited by catfeeder
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Agree. Sometimes your responses suggest that you are taking the advice you are getting as hard fact. Don't forget that you're just getting people's thoughts and perspectives here. You are the one who

Yes, boundaries, especially for pushy family members. The family you make needs to come before the family you left. Not that you need to disrespect your parents but they need to understand they cannot

Her father did. She's not the right woman and this is not the right family for you. All you can do next time is not show this many red flags by rushing things (like ignoring her father's warning)

16 hours ago, DruggistDoggo said:

That's where I wanted her to be straightforward - Holy sounding reasons only add confusion, especially when it's not felt on both sides, isn't lined up with scripture, etc.

Family Conflict - I get along with family on both sides, yet Mom is passive aggressive and a bit sparky. On and off living with rents depending on where I'm called for work. The conflict is more on her being passive aggressive or rude about something, and then I'll pull back as not to cause a huge blow-up, since she'll either get defensive, more passive aggressive or attack verbally. 

Ok, if you are living with your mother, start there. Move out and get your own place even if it's a housesharing situation.

You're overinvolved with your mother and sadly some divorced parents make an adult child their pseudo spouse.

Once you straighten out this unhappy interdependence, things in general will improve.

Perhaps your ex was hiding behind all this bible-babbling simply to say she doesn't like your mother.

In addition to too much too soon, she's also too immature.

So start with the things you can change first. Distance yourself from your mother with better boundaries not mutual passive aggressive games.

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Sounds like she's being a little harsh if she ended things just over you having a difficult relationship with your mum, no family is perfect Christian or not there will always be conflicts. I think if that was the deal breaker but everything else was fine you could have worked on it, maybe she used it as an excuse if things were moving too fast or maybe she's had bad experiences with conflict in families before. Either way I would move on and respect her wish for space it doesn't sound like she's in love with you. Unfortunately sometimes people use 'being led by the holy spirit' as an excuse as they think it will soften the blow but I think the blunt truth is better in the long run there's nothing worse than confusion and no closure. 

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OK, so going forward, I suggest that you disconnect your romantic intentions from two things:

1. Relatives, especially parents.

2. Stop with the religiosity. I can respect being a person of faith, of course. However, I get the impression that this all-consuming aspect of it will be very off-putting to any potential romantic partner you can find. Even if they share your religion. 

As an aside, look up the difference between religious and religiosity.

BTW, a relationship between two people should be fun and full of joy. If it is not? It's a drag!

Edited by jimthzz
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On 2/22/2021 at 2:06 AM, DruggistDoggo said:

Part of me reasons that she should have been more willing to work this out, or clearer in her conflict communication/resolution. I look at other situations here and there is an option to do couples therapy...here the plug was just yanked. Not that it's about who's wrong or right, yet it seems to all fall on me. 

We really don't have enough information probably... like you said something made her cry at Christmas?  I didn't understand what all of that was about... it's very vague.  Did your mom make her cry?  Did she cry because she saw you and your mom treating each other coldly/nasty?  We just don't know what actually happened here.

Something scared her off... it made her feel uneasy (anxious) about a future with you.  That's totally valid on her part, and she really doesn't have to explain it all to you.  I think it's nice if a woman (or man) can give a solid explanation, even if it's painful, but she doesn't have to.  She has the right to look at the dynamics of whatever scared her off, and think, "Nope!  That is not something I want to work through."  Even if she can work through it, she may just not want to. 

She may want to choose someone different, or someone who handles the situation differently.  And she has the right to choose something or someone different.

I think you may want to be brutally honest with yourself and figure out what went wrong.  What made her cry?  What scared her off so that you don't repeat it.  

If it's just your family being nasty (and unsaved and unable to be normal) that is asking A LOT for her to, "work through," with you.  Even if you're saved, your family is a detriment... it's a, "Cost," she'll have to bear throughout life....  You're religious so hopefully Kamurj won't dock me for this ( :D ) but Jesus literally said that He would cause divisions inside families, and that part of, "counting the cost," would be understanding how unbelievably painful that would be to have to let people go, like your mom, your sister, your father, etc. in order to follow Him fully.  He calls it taking up your cross (the verses are right together there)... so part of her Cross in life would be your family if she married you!  

You sound upset that she doesn't want to take that on, that she can't just, "work through it," (LOL!!!)  Um... dude, it is a huge deal for her to take on that kind of cross (or anyone in this situation)... it will be your cross more than likely... and you will have to, "count the cost," of possibly having to end up being estranged from them due to them just not understanding you and your future wife/family/kids. 

You are in for a lifetime of pain (your cross... the cost...) because your mom chooses to react in unsaved, painful and nasty ways unnecessarily (it sounds like).  No you can't change your family, but the more you accept this is a bad deal, the easier you'll have a time of managing it I think.


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