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Christian Breakup - Holy Spirit?


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3 minutes ago, DruggistDoggo said:

Ouch - I didn't take her as dishonest, manipulative. 

I think it’s a way to let you down nicely. Maybe she didn’t like your family and just didn’t want to say hey dude I don’t like your family and I’m not marrying into that. 
 

As we know being married in the Church you must finish your pre-marriage counselling or some priests just won’t marry you depending on how conservative they are. Because we take marriage so seriously and divorce is not an option it is best to find out now that she has cold feet. 

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Agree. Sometimes your responses suggest that you are taking the advice you are getting as hard fact. Don't forget that you're just getting people's thoughts and perspectives here. You are the one who

Yes, boundaries, especially for pushy family members. The family you make needs to come before the family you left. Not that you need to disrespect your parents but they need to understand they cannot

Her father did. She's not the right woman and this is not the right family for you. All you can do next time is not show this many red flags by rushing things (like ignoring her father's warning)

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Well no - I think many people when confronted as she is will try to smooth things over and both of you use religion as an excuse and to cover things over.

Ah I see - that's pretty sad 😞 I was convinced we were a solid couple and set up for marriage. Similar hobbies, outlook on life, direction, and quality of time spent together. Incompatibility seems off but there's really nothing else.

Moving on, is this 100% dead? Give it time and space to see what happens?

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Just now, Seraphim said:

I think it’s a way to let you down nicely. Maybe she didn’t like your family and just didn’t want to say hey dude I don’t like your family and I’m not marrying into that. 
 

As we know being married in the Church you must finish your pre-marriage counselling or some priests just won’t marry you depending on how conservative they are. Because we take marriage so seriously and divorce is not an option it is best to find out now that she has cold feet. 

How do I work this out for future partners? This whole situation had made me feel cursed... I didn't choose my family. I choose how I want to be as a husband, the values to uphold, and navigating that with a partner. 

Almost seems like because of family, a well-grounded, attractive, kind hearted Christian woman is out of the picture.

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10 hours ago, DruggistDoggo said:

dated for 7 months, after talking for one month online.

I talked to her father at 4 months about my intentions, and he wanted us to wait until 1 year for engagement.

Unfortunately it was too much too soon too fast for her and her family. Although it seemed like a good match based on your feelings and connection, after some deliberation, she and her family were not in agreement with moving this fast. Asking her father about marriage at 16 weeks dating? That may have given them a reason to worry about your suitability for her. 

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it was too much too soon too fast for her and her family. Although it seemed like a good match based on your feelings and connection, after some deliberation, she and her family were not in agreement with moving this fast. Asking her father about marriage at 16 weeks dating? That may have given them a reason to worry about your suitability for her. 

Really? Too bad she didn't bring that up...I would have gladly looked at timelines differently. 

I thought I was being intentional. Getting an idea of how he wants me to date his daughter, timelines, and working with them.

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Just now, DruggistDoggo said:

How do I work this out for future partners? This whole situation had made me feel cursed... I didn't choose my family. I choose how I want to be as a husband, the values to uphold, and navigating that with a partner. 

Almost seems like because of family, a well-grounded, attractive, kind hearted Christian woman is out of the picture.

I guess by learning to keep your family in their own place with regards to marriage. My husband has never figured that out either. He was so browbeaten by his family from toddlerhood he just normalized it and didn’t blink an eye when his family did it to us. It is important to defend the family you make. 

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Just now, Seraphim said:

I guess by learning to keep your family in their own place with regards to marriage. My husband has never figured that out either. He was so browbeaten by his family from toddlerhood he just normalized it and didn’t blink an eye when his family did it to us. It is important to defend the family you make. 

Right, so clearly drawing boundaries between family and potential spouse. 

Urgh, seems like an expensive lesson to learn for something that I feel is feasible to work on while dating.

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1 minute ago, DruggistDoggo said:

Right, so clearly drawing boundaries between family and potential spouse. 

Urgh, seems like an expensive lesson to learn for something that I feel is feasible to work on while dating.

Yes, boundaries, especially for pushy family members. The family you make needs to come before the family you left. Not that you need to disrespect your parents but they need to understand they cannot disrespect your spouse. 

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1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Yes, boundaries, especially for pushy family members. The family you make needs to come before the family you left. Not that you need to disrespect your parents but they need to understand they cannot disrespect your spouse. 

Fair enough - Do you feel that if C and I talk again, this is something we can discuss?

I feel my time investment with family and reflection of this past relationship changes how I'd approach it moving forward.

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That is entirely on her. Don’t keep contacting her . Just learn before you date again to have boundaries and keep your family in their place and the next person you date you won’t have this difficulty. 

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Just now, Seraphim said:

That is entirely on her. Don’t keep contacting her . Just learn before you date again to have boundaries and keep your family in their place and the next person you date you won’t have this difficulty. 

Ok Seraphim - I've left it on her end to reach out if and when she feels like it. If it's incompatibility, there's nothing to work through. 

Although...She did note that it wasn't family focused issues. That this feeling she senses was different and she knew she could work through the family stuff. 

I'll move on and let this go. Please keep her and I in prayer.

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10 minutes ago, DruggistDoggo said:

too bad she didn't bring that up...I would have gladly looked at timelines differently. 

Her father did. She's not the right woman and this is not the right family for you.

All you can do next time is not show this many red flags by rushing things (like ignoring her father's warning). Being pushy is not a good look for a father to see in a man who's seeing his daughter who is obviously virginal and somewhat naïve and sheltered.

You need to back up. People are generally put off by someone who hurries and hustles anyone to this extent, next time, slow your roll.

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1 hour ago, DruggistDoggo said:

I absolutely so choose to work on this dynamic. I took a month vacation to spend it with family, with them this month. Been engaging them more in conversation, being more active then present, and when heated topic arise I don't shy away.

Well, keep it up. It's not a once-and-done situation. Relationships require constant work, constant maintenance, especially if they are difficult relationships. 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Her father did. She's not the right woman and this is not the right family for you.

All you can do next time is not show this many red flags by rushing things (like ignoring her father's warning). Being pushy is not a good look for a father to see in a man who's seeing his daughter who is obviously virginal and somewhat naïve and sheltered.

You need to back up. People are generally put off by someone who hurries and hustles anyone to this extent, next time, slow your roll.

Thanks for the clarity - I didn't realize I was pushing it so strongly. He asked to date for at least a year, and so, C and I agreed to that. Not sure where I come off with ignoring his warning, more so, heeding it. 

Back up and slow it down. You think this is done and done? Or we could slow it down and patch it up?

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1 minute ago, skyty said:

You’re asking for advice, and it’s not a fact or written in stone that she is not the right women for you.

Agree. Sometimes your responses suggest that you are taking the advice you are getting as hard fact. Don't forget that you're just getting people's thoughts and perspectives here. You are the one who is in the actual situation, and she is the only one who knows how she feels. 

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10 hours ago, DruggistDoggo said:

Ending

In Jan, C and I were on a dinner date and I checked to see if she felt the conflict was resolved. She started crying and expressed it felt like this was a dealbreaker: not being a man and leading in "Big Girl Panties" tall hurting family relationships, acting distant to Mom, and being distant in conflict.

Unfortunately this sounds like a breakup if she mentioned these deal-breakers so it's not "random internet people" telling you she's not the right woman for you, it's her.

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2 hours ago, DruggistDoggo said:

Thanks for the clarity - I didn't realize I was pushing it so strongly. He asked to date for at least a year, and so, C and I agreed to that. Not sure where I come off with ignoring his warning, more so, heeding it. 

Back up and slow it down. You think this is done and done? Or we could slow it down and patch it up?

You two will reconcile only if the BOTH of you want it.  It can't happen if only you want it to.

She knows where to find you if she wants to.

And remember, we are supposed to trust that the Lord will set us on the right path.  

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15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You two will reconcile only if the BOTH of you want it.  It can't happen if only you want it to.

She knows where to find you if she wants to.

And remember, we are supposed to trust that the Lord will set us on the right path.  

Agreed we are lead where we are supposed to go. 

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15 hours ago, DruggistDoggo said:

yet doesn't want to lead me on and encourages I date other women.

This is definitely a signal that she is done. A woman who cares will NEVER give a guy this advice. And a woman who cares will never free a man instead of working on issues, knowing the breakup likely will spell forever. I think she knows how into her you are, and she's trying to avoid drama from you and wants you to divert your attention to a new love.

Even if she was onboard with counseling as a path toward engagement, it could have been the reason she began to freak out. She probably realized that the fun beginnings of relationship suddenly barreled toward a totally serious one she wasn't ready for.

Great advice is to never make major decisions like engagement until knowing someone a minimum of a year. The beginning of a relationship is the honeymoon stage, where you're intoxicated with the other person. In actuality, you've barely scratched the surface of who that person is, and you have to get to the reality of who they are, which takes far longer. And you do have to see how a person handles the major things in life before deciding if they will be a good life partner, such as if they will take care of you when you're sick, if they handle finances well, if they have a good work ethic, if they have a well-balanced life of friends, hobbies, and also make you feel like you're a priority.

Whether or not she was honest about you and your mom's relationship being the reason she broke up, don't feel as though another woman will reject you for the same thing. There was plenty I didn't like about my in-laws, but I thought my husband was worth whatever I had to put up with. Perfection in all aspects of a relationship is hard to attain. Don't tie yourself in knots, feeling like you have to be a robot without feelings or an angel when dealing with family. People are complex with many moods, and if they make you a bit sulky or moody now and then, that's normal.

You're putting this woman on a pedestal where all that crying and lame excuses would be a turn off to me. I know I was devastated when one man who was incompatible with me in so many ways broke up with me. With time and distance, I  realized he'd done me a huge favor. I married a man far more suited to me. Perhaps the same will happen to you. Take care.

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8 hours ago, Andrina said:

This is definitely a signal that she is done. A woman who cares will NEVER give a guy this advice. And a woman who cares will never free a man instead of working on issues, knowing the breakup likely will spell forever. I think she knows how into her you are, and she's trying to avoid drama from you and wants you to divert your attention to a new love.

Even if she was onboard with counseling as a path toward engagement, it could have been the reason she began to freak out. She probably realized that the fun beginnings of relationship suddenly barreled toward a totally serious one she wasn't ready for.

Great advice is to never make major decisions like engagement until knowing someone a minimum of a year. The beginning of a relationship is the honeymoon stage, where you're intoxicated with the other person. In actuality, you've barely scratched the surface of who that person is, and you have to get to the reality of who they are, which takes far longer. And you do have to see how a person handles the major things in life before deciding if they will be a good life partner, such as if they will take care of you when you're sick, if they handle finances well, if they have a good work ethic, if they have a well-balanced life of friends, hobbies, and also make you feel like you're a priority.

Whether or not she was honest about you and your mom's relationship being the reason she broke up, don't feel as though another woman will reject you for the same thing. There was plenty I didn't like about my in-laws, but I thought my husband was worth whatever I had to put up with. Perfection in all aspects of a relationship is hard to attain. Don't tie yourself in knots, feeling like you have to be a robot without feelings or an angel when dealing with family. People are complex with many moods, and if they make you a bit sulky or moody now and then, that's normal.

You're putting this woman on a pedestal where all that crying and lame excuses would be a turn off to me. I know I was devastated when one man who was incompatible with me in so many ways broke up with me. With time and distance, I  realized he'd done me a huge favor. I married a man far more suited to me. Perhaps the same will happen to you. Take care.

Thank you for the wisdom and perspective.

 

I agree - based on how she's approaching this, and from what others have said... it's done. No talk of actively working it out, cordial conversation, no initiating. 

Forum - I feel that this is all on me. While I did inquire about timelines with her Dad, I thought pre-engagement sessions were OK. Our plan was engagement at one year, then a short period for final red flag checks. This felt intentional, directional and not too pressuring based on C's thoughts. How I handle conflict was unaware to me, yet when she brought it up I practice Gottfrieds techniques of listening, paraphrasing and affirming. All to ensure that she felt heard, cared, and taken seriously. I felt there was no opportunity to work on it! (Until now post-BU)

The weight of my above statement has brought doubt and lesser value to me. Thoughts such as "Obviously I didn't have enough value in X,Y and she left because of it". Part of me reasons that she should have been more willing to work this out, or clearer in her conflict communication/resolution. I look at other situations here and there is an option to do couples therapy...here the plug was just yanked. Not that it's about who's wrong or right, yet it seems to all fall on me. 

Plan Forward - No relationships for at least another 2 months. Continue family conflict/relationship building, reinvest in myself, counseling.

 

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11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You two will reconcile only if the BOTH of you want it.  It can't happen if only you want it to.

She knows where to find you if she wants to.

And remember, we are supposed to trust that the Lord will set us on the right path.  

Absolutely. The initiating needs to be completely from her. From my understanding it's once both people have moved on, time and space has been given. Even in that, it's not guaranteed. 

Yes - Delight in the Lord in all ways, for He knows the true desires of our heart. That's my focus, on Him, His direction. 

I'll be honest, how C has presented this did make me confused on how the Spirit works and why He would separate us. I find it hard to believe "it's God" and moreso think it's her.

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13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this sounds like a breakup if she mentioned these deal-breakers so it's not "random internet people" telling you she's not the right woman for you, it's her.

I agree - I think the dealbreakers being mentioned was the turning point. Unfortunately I thought it was wise to seek other council, take a few days to pray/process and then come back... Would have been probably better to just work it out together over a few days.

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23 minutes ago, DruggistDoggo said:

. I find it hard to believe "it's God" and moreso think it's her.

Agree. She's the one who felt the incompatibilities. It sounds like she's hiding behind holy sounding  words. Everyone knows you were given free will.

What exactly do you mean by "family conflicts"? Do you get along with both your parents? Do you live with either of them?

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I think she's trying end it in a civil way and you're not taking no for an answer. The therapy, the reasons for not going through with it are all answers from her that you're not the right man for her. You're someone she works with and practices her faith with in the same community. Of course there's residual feelings, affection, care, but there but she just doesn't look at you romantically at all. 

Don't keep driving yourself into the ground like this. Consider it over, spend more time on yourself. I wouldn't text, call or talk with this person unless you are coordinating or doing things for the church together and absolutely have to. I don't think reconciliation is wise. Think of yourself here. I agree you've got her on a pedestal. Take a time out to rethink all of this. You're trying way too hard to make something work on your own when it takes two. 

 

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. She's the one who felt the incompatibilities. It sounds like she's hiding behind holy sounding  words. Everyone knows you were given free will.

What exactly do you mean by "family conflicts"? Do you get along with both your parents? Do you live with either of them?

That's where I wanted her to be straightforward - Holy sounding reasons only add confusion, especially when it's not felt on both sides, isn't lined up with scripture, etc.

Family Conflict - I get along with family on both sides, yet Mom is passive aggressive and a bit sparky. On and off living with rents depending on where I'm called for work. The conflict is more on her being passive aggressive or rude about something, and then I'll pull back as not to cause a huge blow-up, since she'll either get defensive, more passive aggressive or attack verbally. 

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