Jump to content

Christian Breakup - Holy Spirit?


Recommended Posts

Hello All,

Thought I'd share my testimony of a challenging, trialing situation. Would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and how to navigate this. Will share the details below.

Relationship

C (24F) and I (27M) dated for 7 months, after talking for one month online. Both strong in our faith and walk. She's a nurse, I'm a pharmacist. We had an engaging relationship, focused on God (prayer, scripture reading, church, etc.). We'd talk daily and pray every evening together.

In addition we did numerous overnight hikes with Church Community, learned to scuba dive, and attended family functions together. I talked to her father at 4 months about my intentions, and he wanted us to wait until 1 year for engagement. C and I started premartial (engagement) classes 5 months into our relationship. We also worked through parts of "100 Questions To Ask Before Engagement". Challenging to date during COVID, so we'd visit each other's houses, spend time with family, each other, and enjoy that time. In all, our relationship involved unconditional love, companionship, God-centeredness, family and intentions.

Conflict

My family is divorced and lost. Conflict arose when there was passive aggressive comments made by my Mom and I would withdraw which created distance. I also appeared "less warm" to my Mom in comparison to C - especially since C thought my Mom was loving, kind and had no manipulative side.

This lead to a few episodes throughout our relationship where C felt distant, that I wasn't ok, or there was something up. The big episode happened Xmas, where the distance led to C crying, me consoling her, and us moving on. A few days later Mom and I got into conflict about C crying, where I stood up for her and my Mom felt she should have "pulled up her big girl panties", "grow up", and respect the household.

C called me that night and I shared the stressful incident and how I tried to navigate it. C was upset I didn't consult her first, that I didn't lead it well, nor advocate properly. I apologized, affirmed her feelings, and explained this was a lesson for first as it's the first time I've had a woman this close to family dynamics.

Ending

In Jan, C and I were on a dinner date and I checked to see if she felt the conflict was resolved. She started crying and expressed it felt like this was a dealbreaker: not being a man and leading in "Big Girl Panties" tall hurting family relationships, acting distant to Mom, and being distant in conflict.

We spent two dinners (10 hours) going through this together. I told her I didn't have biblical wisdom in this, and so, let's take a week to pray, fast, and seek council in resolving this. We sought council and she had spoke to our premartial councilors with huge concern on how I handle conflict, family relationships and if it would transfer into marriage. They talked her down and mentioned to bring forth questions to me about this. Their conversation ended on a positive work-it-out note, nothing about breakups. At the one week, we went for coffee walk. She said she had a bunch of solutions and was excited to pursue them...yet felt no peace or rest about it. She felt the Holy Spirit undeniably gave her unrest and lack of peace in pursuing courting/dating/engagement. Because of this, we had to go separate ways. She seemed torn, frustrated and angry that their was a difference in the Spirit and then in her heart/mind. Note - I don't have this same discernment from the Spirit. My message is "surrender", "wait", "patience".

Follow-Up

I've gently followed up once a week for 2 weeks post breakup. There will be no more correspondence since we've left it on a good note. She affirms there is peace in following the Spirit, and that any thought of courting/dating/engagement is met with unrest, lack of peace. This pops up when she thinks about visiting to pray, read scripture together. All our council is confused and thought we were an amazing team, yet encourage us to follow the Spirit in this.

She clearly affirms she loves me, feels that I'm her companion, soul mate and yes, wants me to be her husband. There is genuine excitement in those thoughts and serving Him together. She feels it got cut short and there was unwritten future. She doesn't know why or how long she'll feel this way and it's not directed AT ME, but moreso the path of courting/dating/etc. She's looked for any source and can't find any, so she's going to a relationship therapist. I mentioned that I'll be taking this month to spend with family, work on my functioning relationships with them, and lean into God.

She mentioned touching base in 3 months, yet doesn't want to lead me on and encourages I date other women. Because of the direction she is called to, there have been emotional boundaries and is treating me like a brother in Christ. We talked about how we've left it in a beautiful state (no toxicity, healthy relationship, supportive community for our relationship) and have open yet respectful lines of communication.

So Everyone, please share your thoughts and ask any questions. I'd love your guidance, counsel and support.

God Bless ūüôĆ

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 54
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

Agree. Sometimes your responses suggest that you are taking the advice you are getting as hard fact. Don't forget that you're just getting people's thoughts and perspectives here. You are the one who

Yes, boundaries, especially for pushy family members. The family you make needs to come before the family you left. Not that you need to disrespect your parents but they need to understand they cannot

Her father did. She's not the right woman and this is not the right family for you. All you can do next time is not show this many red flags by rushing things (like ignoring her father's warning)

Update - Reached out on Ash Wednesday. "Happy Ash Wednesday! Free for a call C?"

Her reply: "Good Morning! Yes, Ash Wednesday- may it be a meaningful one for you Chris! Cannot believe it’s already Lent! Thanks for reaching out. My counsellor has recommended that I take some time and space to reflect, and dedicate time in solitude to thought and prayer. I fall within that time right now. Can we reconvene when I’m done the fast? 8 days remaining."

My final reply: "Sure C - If and when you want to initiate, give me a shout"

Link to post
Share on other sites

It would be best to respect her request for space. You seem to be suffocating her. You also tried to rush the engagement marriage thing.

She and her family are wise to back up from you even if they use a lot of religious terminology to soften the blow

Stay away from her. Go to your church, do some volunteering and start talking to other girls, but don't rush things this much.

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, DruggistDoggo said:

My final reply: "Sure C - If and when you want to initiate, give me a shout"

I think that's the only thing that you can do right now. Hopefully, this will resolve in the best way possible for both of you.

Even though you've been extremely vague about your conflict, and the way that you handled it, I can see why she got cold feet. She isn't confident that you are able to handle conflict effectively.

Edited by Jibralta
  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It would be best to respect her request for space. You seem to be suffocating her. You also tried to rush the engagement marriage thing.

She and her family are wise to back up from you even if they use a lot of religious terminology to soften the blow

Stay away from her. Go to your church, do some volunteering and start talking to other girls, but don't rush things this much.

 

Thanks for the advice - I can see where there isn't enough space given. She seemed on the same page with engagement and marriage being intentional.

She is quite spiritual/faith based. Yet this did come on quite suddenly, 2 weeks.

Do you feel time, space and distance can help in reconciling here? It's all so confusing...

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I think that's the only thing that you can do right now. Hopefully, this will resolve in the best way possible for both of you.

Even though you've been extremely vague about your conflict, and the way that you handled it, I can see why she got cold feet. She isn't confident that you are able to handle conflict effectively.

Conflict: Only with Mom, she would say something passive aggressive and I would withdraw which created distance between us all. For example, she'd get angry I didn't read a text message and grab medication while grocery shopping, and then storm out to go do it. In response, I'd be pulled back for a period of time. 

Outside of my Mom, I handle conflict with patients, friends, life differently. It's the passive aggressiveness and defensiveness that makes me tackle it differently with Mom.

I've shown through this that I haven't given her cold distance nor done nothing about family relationships. What do you mean by best outcome? 

Edited by DruggistDoggo
Link to post
Share on other sites

If she's treating you as a 'brother in Christ' she sees you platonically and is working on a new calling/new path after the break up. She doesn't see you as a soulmate. I think you've got your lines crossed in this confusing time. I would not reach out to her weekly. This is too much and very disrespectful to her wishes or what she's saying to you overall. She's trying to work on herself and figure out the conflict. It reads to me that she's struggling to balance treating you as kindly as possible, as dictated or encouraged by her faith, and breaking up with you. 

Don't mistake her keeping in touch or responding to you as anything else but being brotherly in Christ. This is your cue to respect that and stop pursuing a relationship with her. 

I also find it very troubling and disturbing that while both of you took the issues to council, they appeared to downplay her concerns and encourage the both of you to work through the relationship. The council should NOT be confused. If they really are elders in the congregation, they should not play sides or try to convince either of you to enter a marriage that doesn't feel good or where one party has reservations. Don't pressure her anymore with text messages. Remain friendly in church and in your activities but let her have her space to make her own decisions. I would discourage seeking any elders or council to side with you or convince her out of her mindset or thoughts. I'm sure this is not happening anyway but resist any urge to push this further. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, DruggistDoggo said:

Outside of my Mom, I handle conflict with patients, friends, life differently. It's the passive aggressiveness and defensiveness that makes me tackle it differently with Mom.

Yes, but your patients aren't going to be part of your family. Nor are your friends. Your mom is going to be part of your lives together. I think C is wary of entering into a situation with ongoing, ineffectively managed conflict. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, but your patients aren't going to be part of your family. Nor are your friends. Your mom is going to be part of your lives together. I think C is wary of entering into a situation with ongoing, ineffectively managed conflict. 

Ouch - Really feels like I f'ed it up then. I'm upset that C didn't bring it up earlier, or was willing to work alongside through this. I thought I had handled her concerns with seriousness and desire to resolve them. Even now, with the month breakup spending time with family and working through the dynamics together. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, before you get yourself upset over something that you're not 100% sure of, take a step back and put it into perspective. Even if what I described IS the situation, it's in the past. And you have this moment and every future moment to repair that dynamic, if you so choose.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If she's treating you as a 'brother in Christ' she sees you platonically and is working on a new calling/new path after the break up. She doesn't see you as a soulmate. I think you've got your lines crossed in this confusing time. I would not reach out to her weekly. This is too much and very disrespectful to her wishes or what she's saying to you overall. She's trying to work on herself and figure out the conflict. It reads to me that she's struggling to balance treating you as kindly as possible, as dictated or encouraged by her faith, and breaking up with you. 

Don't mistake her keeping in touch or responding to you as anything else but being brotherly in Christ. This is your cue to respect that and stop pursuing a relationship with her. 

I also find it very troubling and disturbing that while both of you took the issues to council, they appeared to downplay her concerns and encourage the both of you to work through the relationship. The council should NOT be confused. If they really are elders in the congregation, they should not play sides or try to convince either of you to enter a marriage that doesn't feel good or where one party has reservations. Don't pressure her anymore with text messages. Remain friendly in church and in your activities but let her have her space to make her own decisions. I would discourage seeking any elders or council to side with you or convince her out of her mindset or thoughts. I'm sure this is not happening anyway but resist any urge to push this further. 

 

Thanks for the reality check- I'm stunned by the drastic change in her position over 2 weeks and how it's straight up from her end. Hard to believe there isn't any opportunity to work it out on both ends. 

Council was confused due to her decision, lack of red flags, and the family concerns being more yellow flags or discussion points for us to work through. She went in assuming that I'd treat her the same way and that these were red flags. Their approach was to be careful, inquire and then go from there. Since the breakup, they've supported her discernment from the Holy Spirit. 

I am confused by her soulmate/marriage feelings. It appeared to be contradiction between the heart/mind and her soul. Even looking back at our relationship and her expression of love with gifts, notes and daily prayer calls all the way up to our week off. Regardless, if those don't line up, there is an issue. 

This really sucks, as I felt there is ability on my end to work through family dynamics, especially since I wasn't aware of the gravity of them. When it came to handling conflict, I believed that I handled this with C better than Mom. Being engaged, listening, not withdrawing and having action. Without other issues this appeared quite drastic and surprising. I'll take your advice and not pressure her anymore and leave it in her court. Do you feel there is opportunity for future reconciliation? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, DruggistDoggo said:

Really feels like I f'ed it up then.

It sounds more like she's not the right woman for you. She knows it, you know it and her family knows it. That's ok. You just  need to find someone with the level of religiousness that is more on par with you. Next time go much much slower. Don't try to be who she is or what she wants.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, before you get yourself upset over something that you're not 100% sure of, take a step back and put it into perspective. Even if what I described IS the situation, it's in the past. And you have this moment and every future moment to repair that dynamic, if you so choose.

Honestly Jibralta, that was the only tension point in our relationship. This whole thing imploded when I brought it up in January to ensure we had resolved it. 

I absolutely so choose to work on this dynamic. I took a month vacation to spend it with family, with them this month. Been engaging them more in conversation, being more active then present, and when heated topic arise I don't shy away.

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds more like she's not the right woman for you. She knows it, you know it and her family knows it. That's ok. You just  need to find someone with the level of religiousness that is more on par with you. Next time go much much slower. Don't try to be who she is or what she wants.

Really hey? Can you share why? 

I felt we were a solid team, as did her family, friends and church community. We had amazing quality time, engaging conversation, hobbies, and connected on a companionship level (e.g. Doing our Christmas Tree dance in the driveway we made up as I headed home blasting Happiest Christmas Tree song). Never connected like that in my long term relationships. There was a deep rooted connection which stretched further than superficial love, based on quality time, interests and life values.

I think this time in singleness will be helpful to fortify my independence. Living life at my pace, not adjusted to my partner. 

Edited by DruggistDoggo
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Seraphim said:

It could just be she doesn’t want to end up in a family that could be toxic but doesn’t want to tell you that. 

Could be - When we last talked via video, I set her up to rip the bandaid off. Be real, honest, and state the underlying factor.

Her response: Holy Spirit conviction. If she knew what it was, she'd tell me and work it out together. If anything it's that she thinks I'll bring this behavior into marriage with her, and she'd be subject to the same behavior she witnessed to my Mom. Hard to convince her that wouldn't be the case...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have to say I'm baffled at all the emphasis on religion here -this seems like garden variety conflict/incompatibility and it almost seems like you're looking to religion to make this more complicated/give yourself an excuse to keep at this? I'm sorry you're disappointed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I have to say I'm baffled at all the emphasis on religion here -this seems like garden variety conflict/incompatibility and it almost seems like you're looking to religion to make this more complicated/give yourself an excuse to keep at this? I'm sorry you're disappointed.

It absolutely could be! My hesitancy is based on how our times were together, our values, outside perceptions of our relationship and what she is saying. 

Absolutely disappointed. She's mature, intelligent, stunningly attractive, heartwarming, honest, and rustic living like myself. We seemed like a solid match

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, DruggistDoggo said:

Ouch - I didn't take her as dishonest, manipulative. 

Well no - I think many people when confronted as she is will try to smooth things over and both of you use religion as an excuse and to cover things over.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


√ó
√ó
  • Create New...