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I (33M) just got dumped (29F) after almost 5 years (possibly for a lesbian woman) and need advice


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I’d been with my gf for nearly 5 years. I still think she is the most beautiful and amazing girl I’ve ever met, but looking back there were issues. On Valentine’s Day she told me she doesn’t know how she felt about me anymore and can’t see a future with me. After talking about our relationship for the whole day (I cooked both the meals I’d planned for us for the day, gave her flowers too), my main takeaways were that I’m just not proactive enough, never did anything special enough for her, didn’t even think about the future or marriage (which she’d never given me pressure on before) and there was just no spark or romance anymore. The final thing, which was the most shocking, is that she told me I need to learn something about her, that her new friend that she’d been hanging frequently with (another woman) wants to be with her, and she doesn’t know how to feel and maybe wants to explore it.

I took this away and started thinking that she was right on everything about my faults, and even though she hadn’t pushed me hard on these before, she did used to complain and I didn’t take her complaints seriously enough. I told her I understood and would be better, and that after 5 years we deserve to do our best to try make it work.

But then I also started thinking about our relationship. We’ve never had sex, even though I pursued it I was rejected continuously and she told me she was a virgin and conservative and also from a traditional Chinese family, so I thought it was an after marriage thing which I could live with. But at the same time she also never seemed to like to kiss much, and would often turn away saying ‘it was hard to breathe’. I thought over time she could come to love me physically but it never seemed to happen.

Yesterday, she officially ended it with me. We talked for hours again, and she said that even though I’ve realised my faults, it was too late - she doesn’t want it to had to have been her to tell me everything because it just wouldn’t feel right. I brought up the whole physical attraction thing, and asked her directly if she is a lesbian, which she strongly denied. I think I could almost find some measure of acceptance if she actually were. I told her how much I loved her and that I would do anything for her, and she cried and said why did I never show her before now. I told her she was making a mistake and she said she knows she is taking a huge risk by leaving, but she wouldn’t have done it if not for the other woman. The worst thing she said to me is that I wasted the best time of her youth, because I always took the back seat and let her be the proactive person in the relationship, how she could’ve had so much better and instead compromised with me, and now she has to make up for lost time.

I’ve basically communicated to her that I’ve accepted the breakup and it was all my fault, but am feeling hopelessly lost and don’t know what to do. Some people have told me that it seems like she was always a closeted lesbian, and that she deserves to explore this and I am also fortunate to be out of it now. But I just don't know if she really is a lesbian, or whether she really did just fall out of love with me. I've been looking through our old photos and the cards she wrote to me, and from the caring and love in those messages it couldn't have all been a lie and she couldn't have been a closeted lesbian the whole time? If she really is a lesbian I want to let her go, but if there is any chance she's not then I'm not willing to just give up a 5 year relationship just like that. 

Please help!

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5 minutes ago, comprehensive pea said:

 she was a virgin and conservative and also from a traditional Chinese family, 

Sorry to hear that. You're incompatible.

She wants marriage and family. After 5 years that's not happening for you.

She expected a ring on vday and you know that. That's why it's over.

She's not a lesbian. She dumped you because you were coasting along going nowhere.

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She just fell out of love.. the relationship fizzled.  Nothing you say or do now can fix this.. sorry 😞 

She's admitted a few things to you.. which you need to accept.

No matter what she chooses to do now, is not on your shoulders, but HER choice to do.

She may have checked out of the relationship a while ago, but has just recently informed you. So, it's going to really hurt you for a while, but is something she's been stewing over for a while, I'm sure.

Leave her be.  Respect her choices.

Go no contact now and work on accepting & healing.

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13 hours ago, comprehensive pea said:

We’ve never had sex, even though I pursued it I was rejected continuously and she told me she was a virgin and conservative and also from a traditional Chinese family, so I thought it was an after marriage thing which I could live with

Just to clarify, because this stood out to me - did she specifically tell you she wanted to wait for marriage, or are you assuming that and you two never really discussed this? 

I'm wondering how deeply the disconnect between you two was, exactly. 

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On 2/20/2021 at 2:46 AM, comprehensive pea said:

The worst thing she said to me is that I wasted the best time of her youth, because I always took the back seat and let her be the proactive person in the relationship, how she could’ve had so much better and instead compromised with me, and now she has to make up for lost time.

Well, that's a bunch of BS. You definitely aren't the one who is at fault if she believes that she wasted the best years of her life with you. 

And what a thing to say! Totally unappreciative.

Edited by Jibralta
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People generally have heaps to say during the heat of a break up or have collected grievances so whether she's a lesbian or not or using it as a scapegoat (excuse to make you feel bad, along with the other reasons), is something you'll have to parse through in the coming weeks and months. If you have good self-esteem, you'll make sense of what's true and untrue. The kindest thing to do to yourself right now is not to overthink what she's saying. Only accept that it is over and she is unhappy enough not to be with you. 

Take a time out to yourself and figure out whether you wanted to be with this person in the first place or whether it was a relationship you really enjoyed. 

From the sounds of it it wasn't fulfilling to you. Now it's over. If it wasn't as fulfilling as it should have been, no physical intimacy (not even kissing?) and it's over, is it really necessary to drag yourself over the coals feeling bad for things someone else said you've done? 

Figure out all the nitty gritty mean things later. Maybe there is truth in some of it. Maybe other parts are garbage. In time her sexuality and other details will come out. None of that is your concern anymore because it's over. 

The relationship being over now puts things in a new dimension - a new one that you're not yet used to. Give yourself time. I'm very sorry about the break up but it sounds like a relief and a plus that it's over. This was just not working for you either. 

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I don't think it's a bunch of bs...no sex, didn't like kissing. I believe her. Lots of people have heterosexual relationships, even marriages to hide from their homosexuality. Some are in denial, some are in fear, some very confused. I think Valentine's day was a real hit of reality. She couldn't deny it anymore, that she wanted to be with this woman. I don't know of any woman/friend/coworker or family member ever using that excuse to end a relationship that lied about it. Sorry it's over. Hopefully in time you can move on from this.

Edited by smackie9
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On 2/20/2021 at 2:46 AM, comprehensive pea said:

I'm not willing to just give up a 5 year relationship just like that. 

You don't get to set the conditions. All relationships being voluntary, it only takes one person to want out of the relationship for it to be over.

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