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A Cold Shoulder


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So I suppose I’m seeing this guy. How do I describe him? Sturdy, quick witted, a slight English tinge to his accent and these platinum blond curls. Scorpio. Don’t get me started.

We’ve slept to together twice, but I’ve only known him for two weeks. We’ve had many long conversations and he has kept consistent contact with me since the day I met him. 
 

He asked me if I wanted to go up with him to his mother’s farmhouse while she was away. He offered to make me dinner, I thought this was a sign he was slightly more interested than before about me. 

Previously he had been quite warm and tactile, as in hand holding or gentle non sexual touches here and there, and even saying sweet things about me, but this time he was completely different.

He said to me, no sex, a platonic night for us to get to know each other better. Except he mainly wanted to listen to music and drink. He said he was having a really good time. 

I could understand where he was coming from, however I noticed that he had completely backed off all previous romantic gestures and talk. So much so that I felt so disoriented about what his intentions with me were, and in all honesty it hurt my heart a bit.

At one point in the night, he came down to sit where I was and kissed me deeply, with lots of tongue. Then when I leant in to kiss him back he backed off and said “no no, platonic, remember?.” I felt so strange after this.  
 

He didn’t offer to sleep in the same bed that night. Even though we have previously. He made out a mattress for me, didn’t kiss or hug me goodnight, but just said sweet dreams and slept in the bed while I was in the living room. 
 

In the morning he dropped me off on his side of town, we were meant to go on a walk but he’d forgotten he had a doctor’s appointment, and then apparently house inspections with his roommates as well. He didn’t kiss or hug me goodbye, and just said see ya round with a wink before jumping into his friend’s car. There wasn’t any room for me in it.
 

I felt in the way. And now I just feel deflated. I wonder what’s going on here, can anyone see it more clearly?

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Ok, you've only been dating for 2 weeks, so he's probably seeing and having sex with others.

Does he have a wife/GF ? Perhaps his hot/cold act is guilt perhaps he's having sex with others.

Why did you go to his mother's place rather than his?

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, you've only been dating for 2 weeks, so he's probably seeing and having sex with others.

Does he have a wife/GF ? Perhaps his hot/cold act is guilt perhaps he's having sex with others.

Why did you go to his mother's place rather than his?


hey there wiseman 🙂

Q a) he has told me he isn’t currently seeing others, but that his word for it. 
 

Qb) He currently doesn’t have any other partners. Or..as far as I know.

Qc) He was house sitting and he thought it would be nice to invite me up to this nice place in the country. 

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Was he drunk? Any contact (calls or texts) since then? 

It sounds more like he started off with a romantic plan and then he went on a power trip or got drunk instead appearing like he's lost his marbles. 

Let him approach you and ask you out on a date but I wouldn't hold out much hope for this guy. Doesn't seem very reliable or thoughtful. 

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5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Was he drunk? Any contact (calls or texts) since then? 

It sounds more like he started off with a romantic plan and then he went on a power trip or got drunk instead appearing like he's lost his marbles. 

Let him approach you and ask you out on a date but I wouldn't hold out much hope for this guy. Doesn't seem very reliable or thoughtful. 

He was probably a little bit. He has messaged to apologise for the rushed goodbye.
you may have a point. I find it interesting how you said power trip, I wonder...

Thanks for the honest thoughts!

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3 minutes ago, Pau said:

He was probably a little bit. He has messaged to apologise for the rushed goodbye.
you may have a point. I find it interesting how you said power trip, I wonder...

Thanks for the honest thoughts!

There are only two things that come to mind for me: totally wasted or total weirdo.

Maybe fifty shades of grey became fifty shades of farmhouse? 

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5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

There are only two things that come to mind for me: totally wasted or total weirdo.

Maybe fifty shades of grey became fifty shades of farmhouse? 

Haha!! Oh no! How did I get myself into this. Can I ask what parts about him say weirdo to you? I know something feels up but I can’t put my finger on what. Am I oblivious?

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You stated how he wanted to get to know you in a different way.. I got that as being okay.

As you two rushed right into sex, within seeing each other only 2 weeks.

So maybe he just wanted it to be more 'low key'.  Wasn't a bad thing, to just more 'hang out' together and expect nothing?

And with that, he didn't want to get intimate (excited), so avoided all of the touchy, feely stuff - ( Maybe)?

Hard to say.. but IF he is interested, you'll hear from him again..

And, as mentioned... If maybe he's married or something... Where did you two meet up over the last 2 wks?

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39 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You stated how he wanted to get to know you in a different way.. I got that as being okay.

As you two rushed right into sex, within seeing each other only 2 weeks.

So maybe he just wanted it to be more 'low key'.  Wasn't a bad thing, to just more 'hang out' together and expect nothing?

And with that, he didn't want to get intimate (excited), so avoided all of the touchy, feely stuff - ( Maybe)?

Hard to say.. but IF he is interested, you'll hear from him again..

And, as mentioned... If maybe he's married or something... Where did you two meet up over the last 2 wks?

Hey hey there!

 

I understand him wanting to get to know me in a more emotional and personal way than just sex. I was hoping for a similar thing to unfold.

I think I was just the stark coldness that I found a little disorientating. Hot and cold is a bit hard sometimes. Maybe you’re right, maybe he was trying not to get excited. Not sure. 
 

We are both in our early twenties, and I have been to his house before. I’ve even met his roommates, so I don’t think he’s married?

 

thanks for sending your thoughts.

P

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Ahh yeah.. hot & cold.

Is this how you see it?  Thing is, he was still there with you. Is not like he said you'd meet up, then cancelled repeatedly... Is not like he was so into you for 2 months, then pulled away.. yet!

Has been 2 weeks.. that's it.  Nothing as really even begun.

If he has not spoken much to you lately, maybe just let it go.  To see IF he does reach out again.

If not, his loss 😉 

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It sounds like he's seeing someone else and feels guilty for messing around with you. 

Slow way down here. You don't know him. It's fine to have sex if you like, but your emotions are getting tangled up when you still barely know him.

I don't think I would want to hear from him again after that weird overnight trip. It doesn't sound as though he's really available to date you. 

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5 hours ago, Pau said:

We are both in our early twenties, and I have been to his house before. I’ve even met his roommates, so I don’t think he’s married?

Ok, that makes sense. However it still seems like he wants hook-ups, not a relationship.

You dodged a bullet. He got wasted and dumped you off in the middle of nowhere?

It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get tested for STDs and Covid. He's clearly sleeping around with a bunch of women.

Reflect on what you want from dating. FWB? Hooking up? Exclusive dating? A relationship?

All are fine, but decided what risks you are willing to take with your health, safety, well-being and heart.

It's been a 2 weeks. Cut your losses.

 

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11 hours ago, Pau said:

Haha!! Oh no! How did I get myself into this. Can I ask what parts about him say weirdo to you? I know something feels up but I can’t put my finger on what. Am I oblivious?

Maybe this is the part where you can agree to just let it be. If he's acting off or just not your cup of tea it's ok to walk away from that and not have to figure it all out. We can't always know what's going on in the back of someone's mind. All you know is that it didn't seem right to you and you are absolutely entitled to feeling uncomfortable, uneasy or like you don't want to spend more time with this person. 

I'd just pay attention to your gut instincts. There was a thread started some time ago about dating bloopers and some were a bit comical, some strange, some inexplicable and just bizarre. Chalk this one up to experience. 

I agree on getting tested for any stds and avoid overnighters where it involves someone else's house. It might seem fun at first but it's really not considerate to everyone involved - you, his mum etc. If you like someone book a hotel or a BnB next time and do things on your own terms. 

Given what you mentioned he just sounds young, a little drunk and maybe a bit clueless. He tried to appear mysterious and he just comes across as inebriated or strange. No harm done. Take care! Don't worry too much about this and look out for the std testing. 

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Is this the same guy from your previous thread, the English teacher? Who told you that he only wants sex, but no relationship? You said then that you were cutting your losses and moving on...If this is the same guy, then you are really down on a path that leads to nothing, but humiliation. Actually this farm visit was nothing but humiliation for you. Why are you putting yourself is such situation?

http://Giving up “the goods” - Page 2 - Dating Advice - eNotAlone 

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This guy's behaviour just screams weirdo to me.  Major oddball, enough to give me a feeling that something is very "off".  Blowing hot and cold in itself is already a bad sign.   My gut says do NOT go to his mother's farm

Only 2 weeks in.  I say cut your losses and head in the opposite direction.

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15 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Ahh yeah.. hot & cold.

Is this how you see it?  Thing is, he was still there with you. Is not like he said you'd meet up, then cancelled repeatedly... Is not like he was so into you for 2 months, then pulled away.. yet!

Has been 2 weeks.. that's it.  Nothing as really even begun.

If he has not spoken much to you lately, maybe just let it go.  To see IF he does reach out again.

If not, his loss 😉 

Thanks for putting it into more perspective friend! 
it’s true, it’s not like he cancelled or stood me up or anything. And it’s too early to get caught up here. 

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15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It sounds like he's seeing someone else and feels guilty for messing around with you. 

Slow way down here. You don't know him. It's fine to have sex if you like, but your emotions are getting tangled up when you still barely know him.

I don't think I would want to hear from him again after that weird overnight trip. It doesn't sound as though he's really available to date you. 

You are right that I need to slow waaaay down here. It’s way too early for me to be letting my emotions get caught up in this. 
 

thanks for your honest feedback!

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5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Maybe this is the part where you can agree to just let it be. If he's acting off or just not your cup of tea it's ok to walk away from that and not have to figure it all out. We can't always know what's going on in the back of someone's mind. All you know is that it didn't seem right to you and you are absolutely entitled to feeling uncomfortable, uneasy or like you don't want to spend more time with this person. 

I'd just pay attention to your gut instincts. There was a thread started some time ago about dating bloopers and some were a bit comical, some strange, some inexplicable and just bizarre. Chalk this one up to experience. 

I agree on getting tested for any stds and avoid overnighters where it involves someone else's house. It might seem fun at first but it's really not considerate to everyone involved - you, his mum etc. If you like someone book a hotel or a BnB next time and do things on your own terms. 

Given what you mentioned he just sounds young, a little drunk and maybe a bit clueless. He tried to appear mysterious and he just comes across as inebriated or strange. No harm done. Take care! Don't worry too much about this and look out for the std testing. 

I really appreciate your perspective here. Not to worry about std testing as I’ve already booked one in and everything is all clear. He probably is just a young guy who tried the mysterious thing but of course, a bit of alcohol can make things even murkier. 
 

I like what you said about your gut instincts, and if the way he made me feel isn’t my cup of tea, or if it makes me uncomfortable, then I’m entitled to not liking it. I can’t know what’s going on in his head, all I know is how it makes me feel, and that’s okay. This made me feel like I bit more autonomy in the situation.

 

thanks heaps!

P

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2 hours ago, East4 said:

Is this the same guy from your previous thread, the English teacher? Who told you that he only wants sex, but no relationship? You said then that you were cutting your losses and moving on...If this is the same guy, then you are really down on a path that leads to nothing, but humiliation. Actually this farm visit was nothing but humiliation for you. Why are you putting yourself is such situation?

http://Giving up “the goods” - Page 2 - Dating Advice - eNotAlone 

Hi East4,

No this is a different person. I find the way you speak a little condescending and hurtful. Would you mind being a bit more understanding or kind about your tough love next time you respond to me?

P

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11 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

This guy's behaviour just screams weirdo to me.  Major oddball, enough to give me a feeling that something is very "off".  Blowing hot and cold in itself is already a bad sign.   My gut says do NOT go to his mother's farm

Only 2 weeks in.  I say cut your losses and head in the opposite direction.

Hehe, thank you Capricorn3, this freedom loving Sagittarian seems to pick out oddballs. Your advice is noted.

p

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9 minutes ago, Pau said:

 this freedom loving Sagittarian seems to pick out oddballs. Your advice is noted.

Yeah, could be that the picker is a little off.  Maybe time to step back a little and regroup for a few months - let the picker recharge. 😉

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