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Learning to trust again?


coly16
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So my boyfriend back in November would message girls on snapchat and tell them stuff like "Hi gorgeous" and basically just heart eye emojis. To clarify, he asked me to be his girlfriend in the beginning of october so this is about 2 months into the official relationship. I know that's not cheating and when I found out I said if I ever saw it again, I'd be done. It feels like it is taking me forever to regain that trust. I refuse to look through his phone because I'm trying to train myself to trust him but I can't help but think I'm getting fooled. He hasn't done anything to warrant any more concern. he's deleted his accounts and blocked all the girls. If i asked to use his phone he gives it right to me without asking questions. But the past couple days he's been inaccessible through the phone. Like, from 6pm-11:30pm just radio silence. He says he's been sleeping but that's a really long time. I just don't know what he could be doing for almost 6 hours and then all through the night. He does get up early for work but it just seems strange to me. Anyway, should I worry? How do I trust him again? Would you be weirded out? Any help is appreciated!

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Wait it out and keep yourself busy. Try not to get overworked. You'll drive yourself up the wall worrying. See what happens in the coming days and weeks. I know this is hard but check yourself from doing anything reckless or impulsive. Always remember that someone who doesn't care to lose you is better off getting lost. 

Do you see him on social media or active online?

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Wait it out and keep yourself busy. Try not to get overworked. You'll drive yourself up the wall worrying. See what happens in the coming days and weeks. I know this is hard but check yourself from doing anything reckless or impulsive. Always remember that someone who doesn't care to lose you is better off getting lost. 

Do you see him on social media or active online?

No he's radio silent there too. If it wasn't for November, I would just assume he was telling the truth. 

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Any history of drugs? You're mentioning he's busy for a few hours every evening and it's been two days in a row. He's given you a reason that he's sleeping but you don't believe him. You can wait and see or end it if you can't trust him. Try not to police anyone. If you're suspecting him this early of seeing other people behind your back, you probably shouldn't be dating him. It's too much of a headache. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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17 minutes ago, coly16 said:

So my boyfriend back in November would message girls on snapchat and tell them stuff like "Hi gorgeous" and basically just heart eye emojis. To clarify, he asked me to be his girlfriend in the beginning of october so this is about 2 months into the official relationship. I know that's not cheating and when I found out I said if I ever saw it again, I'd be done. It feels like it is taking me forever to regain that trust. I refuse to look through his phone because I'm trying to train myself to trust him but I can't help but think I'm getting fooled. He hasn't done anything to warrant any more concern. he's deleted his accounts and blocked all the girls. If i asked to use his phone he gives it right to me without asking questions. But the past couple days he's been inaccessible through the phone. Like, from 6pm-11:30pm just radio silence. He says he's been sleeping but that's a really long time. I just don't know what he could be doing for almost 6 hours and then all through the night. He does get up early for work but it just seems strange to me. Anyway, should I worry? How do I trust him again? Would you be weirded out? Any help is appreciated!

Actually, it was cheating, and at one month in, you should have dumped him.

I would find a new bf.

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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Do you suspect he's missing or in danger in any way? Any drug use? 

 

No nothing like that. Honestly, I just can't tell if I'm over or under reacting to the situation. He's straight path kind of guy. I tend to cut people off very quickly and I decided not to do that with him. So, it's taking a lot for me to rebuild that trust

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I edited above as you mentioned he's silent for those few hours 6pm and after so you still speak with each other daily? I initially read that he's been missing for two days straight or hasn't communicated with you. That's why I thought he may be in some danger. 

There's nothing much you can do if he's giving you an answer and you don't believe him. Relationships are built on trust and if you don't get the sense that he's being truthful with you, you can use the wait and see approach or end it before this becomes more confusing and there's more heartache. 

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8 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Actually, it was cheating, and at one month in, you should have dumped him.

I would find a new bf.

Maybe I should have but I didn't. And I want to see this relationship through on my part. Since then, He's made every effort to fix the situation. And I want to trust him. I'm used to cutting out people that hurt me. But I'm here now. I told him I'd try to trust him and I am. And the majority of me wants to believe that he's sleeping but another part of me just needs reassurance 

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When do you see him in person next? 

At four months it could go either way and I'd use the wait and see approach. Don't force anything. If he's not the right guy for you, there are other guys out there. You aren't married to him and the relationship is very new. I don't think you should be breaking your back (or your brain or even your heart) trying to 'rebuild trust' this early. Just wait and see. 

Dial back the texts and calls if you're texting and calling to check up on him. Focus on other things, spend time with friends and family. Try to take your mind off of this. It takes two to tango.

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1 hour ago, coly16 said:

. I'm used to cutting out people that hurt me. 

Excellent. That means in general you have boundaries and self respect.

Continue this process of cutting out people who hurt you, including this immature clown.

You can do better than this.

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21 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

When do you see him in person next? 

At four months it could go either way and I'd use the wait and see approach. Don't force anything. If he's not the right guy for you, there are other guys out there. You aren't married to him and the relationship is very new. I don't think you should be breaking your back (or your brain or even your heart) trying to 'rebuild trust' this early. Just wait and see. 

Dial back the texts and calls if you're texting and calling to check up on him. Focus on other things, spend time with friends and family. Try to take your mind off of this. It takes two to tango.

I see him at least once a week, usually more. Like I said he has been working really hard toward fixing it. And it encourages me. Rationally, he hasn't done anything since to break my trust. I just don't know why it's taking me so long. 

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21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. That means in general you have boundaries and self respect.

Continue this process of cutting out people who hurt you, including this immature clown.

You can do better than this.

I just fear becoming calloused. I don't want to isolate myself every time someone hurts me. He's expressed regret and made an effort to fix it. By all accounts, he's done everything he's had to, everything I asked. I just am struggling to let it go

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20 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

He asked you to be his gf back in October.. but your TRUST has been affected already.. 😞 

What's that tell you? 

I have been a calloused person in the past. Not allowing room for error. Not dealing with anybody who has hurt me. And it made me feel untouchable. But it also made me realize I have no forgiveness, regardless if this person shows remorse and effort to right their wrong. So, I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to allow vulnerability and I want to know I gave this relationship a second chance before letting it crumble. I'm just struggling to let go of this feeling because I've never had to let it go.

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You two have only been involved since November?  Why are you asking to see his phone? (because lack of trust).

That's a problem.

Anyone I have ever been involved with, especially just a few month's I would not even entertain the thought.  He should not feel obligated to hand his phone over to 'prove' anything.

And he has been inaccessable thru his phone in the evenings - are you continually going at him- trying to contact him over & over?

I have been a calloused person in the past. Not allowing room for error. Not dealing with anybody who has hurt me. And it made me feel untouchable. But it also made me realize I have no forgiveness, regardless if this person shows remorse and effort to right their wrong.

Ok, not sure of your age?  But, things happen and sometimes we get hurt/damaged by them. Are you recently out of relationship, before you met this one?  If you are this messed up, maybe you should not be involved until you know you are better?

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I think you're rushing it. 

Personally, I'd be done with this person in November. I'm looking at it through your lens though and seeing what it means to you to try a different take or learn to be more vulnerable. 

When I say I think you're rushing it is you're trying to be someone you're not, a bit like trying on shoes that just aren't the right size. 

You're doing what you said you don't want to do - rushing to decisions, behaving calloused or not allowing room for error. The opposite of this is not rushing to any decisions or coming to any conclusions, remaining open minded and willing to give it time (maybe another week until you see him in person to get info from him face to face). 

I think you are determined to do this differently so do the opposite of what you normally would do or are doing now. If it doesn't work out or it doesn't feel good please do not be a doormat or put up with bad behaviour from a partner. That kind of vulnerability is not the good kind. 

 

 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Well if he continues to not reply to you for like six hours every day then I would say something is definitely up. But if it only happened twice and doesn't happen again then I don't think you should worry about that part of it. Regarding the Snapchat thing...If it was me and my boyfriend wasn't actually messaging those girls, but only commented that they're gorgeous, I would probably also give him another chance. Then if he did it again I might break up. If he honestly hasn't done anything since then you can give him a chance to show that you can trust him. However I don't think you should be checking his phone because that's invasion of his privacy. Try to just not think about the Snapchat thing and move on. If you really can't move on and keep checking his phone, you might need to break up. Because if you really don't trust him then how can you have a relationship?

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On 2/18/2021 at 10:25 PM, coly16 said:

 I said if I ever saw it again, I'd be done. 

Unfortunately it sounds like he's tiptoeing out of the relationship.

How old is he? He seems quite immature.

4 mos. Dating is a good time to observe if you want to stay. Observe red flags and deal breakers.

If he's an embarrassing horndog on social media, delete and block him from that so you're not humiliated by his nonsense.

End it. You're not compatible or happy or comfortable. You've resorted to being jealous, controlling and policing his behaviors 

Is that what you want? Is this who you want to be?

Forget the "vulnerable" nonsense. You don't need to forgive and forget.  What you are describing, unfortunately, are the seeds for a victim mentality and being a doormat.

Pull yourself together and have the strength to end it.

Don't focus on "being vulnerable". Focus on improving your self respect and self confidence.

What you are describing is defensiveness. That's something a qualified therapist could help you with.

That way you'll identify red flags 🚩 sooner, cut your losses sooner and do less damage to yourself.

Edited by Wiseman2
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On 2/18/2021 at 10:57 PM, coly16 said:

And I want to see this relationship through on my part.

Through to what? Finding out he's cheating on you again? And then what? Wait and see if he does it again?

You've caught him hitting on other girls behind your back. God knows what else he was up to. If he cared at all about his relationship with you, he'd be extremely available from that point on. Not disappearing on you.

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On 2/19/2021 at 3:11 PM, coly16 said:

I guess I'm looking for advice on how to rebuild the trust

You can't. Once trust has been broken it's extremely hard to get it back and without trust, you have nothing.  HE is the one who should be proving himself to you, but I can guarantee you, you will always wonder and always have doubt. That is not a recipe for a happy, healthy and successful relationship.  The writing is already on the wall (imo).

It's interesting to note that you posted about the exact same thing in December, struggling with trusting him.  Two months later, nothing has changed.  Does that not tell you something? Believe me, it's not magically going to disappear.

Only 2-3 months in and already betrayal.  I say cut your losses.  You can do a lot better.

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I would first roll back all of the 'cheating' and 'betrayal' language to consider the context of these "Hello gorgeous" messages.

I mean, I hear the same stuff on social media from dozens of long-married old friends...uhm, both male and female.

So are these just opening comments in that context, or are they trying to start dialog with new women?

If friends, then what kind of convo has followed?

If new women, then that's an issue.

So your answer to the above is pretty pivotal.

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