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Is it time to let go? Please help..


Bella1234
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Hi thank you for reading this.  Much love and appreciation to you. I am a single mom of 2 young children.  I went through a separation, sold my home, changed careers and moved to a new city for a fresh start in life although I had to move in with my parents temporarily until I got a new place here.  I have a great relationship with my ex and we co parent for our children.  We still are the best of friends.  I met a new man when I first started working in the new city.  He approached me via social media. We began to chat and eventually txted daily. He told me from the beginning “I am not exactly single but in the process of separation.” I understood. I respected it as I’ve went through it. They lived in opposite sides of their house and eventually he moved to his parents and she prepared to move out.  We spoke about EVERYTHING. What we want together, what we never received and what we could do moving forward to better our lives together. He told me they separated as he always wanted children and they got married quickly when younger “natural progressions of life”. I got it. He was so admired by me having kids and was looking forward to meeting mine one day. Fast forward he bought their house after a year of “legal separation” she moved out and he hinted at us moving in. I was thrilled but worried as this was their matrimonial home together...he was married for 10 years. We are both in our late 30s, but I thought people do this all the time? I said I would be thrilled to move in and I was so excited as the house was the largest I’ve ever been into. I could never think I would one day be able to live in something like this!? It was like a dream and it was happening. The Jack of all trades, the family man, the sexual intimacy, chemistry it was all like a dream that came true. I thought wow this is where I am meant to be? Perhaps we were destined to meet together at this right time. For those of you who believe in this... fast forward to close to move in date - we started arguing a lot more.  He decided to pull the plug on us moving in at that time but said we still would be in a few months once the arguing subsided . My boxes were already packed and I was devestated but something told me it’s ok maybe we need more time to sort out the arguments as he was very jealous and we both were insecure it seemed.  I played a part in this as well.  Eventually the 2nd move in date came and the arguments were still ever present. From arguing over social media (I did not have it at the time and when I seen his social media I felt sick.. he had over 800 diff ppl on Facebook and many women, single mothers, etc I just felt off and I questioned) eventually I decided I can’t reside with my parents anymore I got my own apartment in the city. He was angry at me getting my own place and said it was eventually happening but who can continue to wait?? I found out he added other female colleagues to his social media and I got worried he was doing the same thing as he did with me.  One particular colleague did not have children and she is quite younger than him and myself and he deleted and re added several times when I brought this up. He swears they never chatted but why continue to add and re add he said one point he did it to make me angry to “piss me off”.  He decides at this point to want to take a “break” from me and kept her on his Facebook. This was directly after I confronted him. I asked why? He still doesn’t delete her. I am left ghosted for days. I couldn’t eat, sleep, I was sick. Finally he txts me and we made up and he decided to delete his Facebook and I did the same. He kept IG. Further to this I questioned why the games? Why delete and re add and the ghost me when I mention? He said she meant nothing and she’s a work colleague and he’s never messaged her and he can talk to her at work if he wanted. He did have several other female work colleagues on his Facebook and IG.  I let it go. We were trying to rebuild what I thought was a relationship but with trust issues it needs work. I went to his place for the night and he took a pic of me to which I asked if he can delete it because I didn’t feel right.  I said let me see in the deleted folder if it’s gone! I was laughing until I seen random nudes. This all spanned the same time he went awkward with me. He claims he didn’t know where they came from and that the guys from work must have sent it or from when he had FB because he didn’t have it any longer and it was deleted. I still feel sick thinking about it. He literally held me as I was shaking and swore and still does swear he did nothing wrong. He said it was wrong to have the nudes and he should have told me when he got them but he hasn’t done anything. I decided to move past this... it’s been officially a year I asked about his divorce and if it’s being finalized as he promised. Turns out he can’t financially afford it, which turned into an argument again. “We aren’t getting married anytime soon so why does it matter!? I will get divorced once I can pay for it!” It’s hurtful because these are promises and things we spoke about right at the beginning he even asked me what kind of wedding I wanted in the future, what type of ring, how we would deal with our finances nothing was off the table.  I let it go. Fast forward to 3 years and I am still in the same boat. We’ve broken up off and on several times and he claims I am the cause. The second time I got angry he added that exact same colleague that we argued about to IG 2x as well as another professional network! Are my feelings not justifiable? Am I crazy to not think something here? I asked him and he said he got rid of the entire IG but that didn’t stop him from adding her on the professional network (where he has other colleagues).  3 years and I decided I can’t take this anymore. I am still alone filled with empty promises it seems. He said it I stopped questioning progressing and stopped picking fights we would be moved forward by now. He accuses me of being dramatic, negative and never happy when I bring up when we would move forward together and if it will ever happen. He claims he wants to sell his house and move but yet no action.  How much longer am I supposed to wait?  He’s been great with the kids. I just feel less than. I feel like a fool.  I’ve applied for other jobs again. It’s been a week since we’ve talked and I see he checks up on me every evening on the professional network.  He txt how the interview went and I responded but we haven’t communicated since then.  I need to mention that we live in diff cities and he travels to work and the colleague he kept re adding resides down my block.  Excuses after excuses he would spend usually every 2nd wkd with me and the kids, his home alone as heated wood stove so he needed to heat it and couldn’t leave it alone for longer than 2 days. He travels to the city for work yet I would see him 1x or 2x week max. It’s always been an issue. He has no problems spending his wkds alone or doing outdoor things and maintenance yet we don’t see to be included. It’s hurtful. Yet he still finds the means to call and txt none stop asking about my day etc.  I am torn. I believe I deserve better than this but it’s been brutal. Your thoughts? Thank you. With love. 

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You've spent three years on this guy and it's not working. He didn't do anything he said he was going to do. He also seems addicted to the attention of women over social media, all with a similar profile as you? Who has time to have 800 friends? It's not real. 

I think you've built up a fantasy of what he should have been and it's all just fantasy/what ifs if only he was such and such. 

Time to let go as he's using you as a crutch to forget and distract himself from whatever real issues he has with himself. You now have a better idea of why his marriage may have ended too. 

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I agree with Rose and wanted to add -it really stuck with me how you were so intense about the size of his home and how you might get to live in a home like that.  Why does that matter to you so much?  Could you have afforded that kind of house on your own -or half of that house? He's married so did you think you were going to live in this huge house as his "girlfriend" (meaning, married men can't really date anyone, right? and he's not racing to get divorced it seems) - and let him pay for the upkeep of the house all on his own? What was this dream of yours exactly and what did it have to do with the size of a house/material things? I'd consider how important it is to you to find a man who can give those things to you as opposed to you giving them to yourself/working toward that goal so you can provide those things for yourself.

I think you knew a lot of what was going on and chose to ignore it and I also think he deceived you in part, as well.  I'm sorry.

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Thank you Batya33 and Rose.  I really appreciate your responses.  Rose, I have to say this is what my gut has been saying all along 😞 I never wanted to believe it.  Yes the online profile does have similar qualities to myself that is why I feel it struck a nerve when he kept re adding etc.  Batya, yes I am able to afford a home on my own. I have never relied on him financially and I could afford to pay half the house. We work at the same establishment him making a few dollars more than myself, but I should have explained a bit more... it was a home that was beautiful to me and I would have loved to live in something similar it just felt like it was all falling in place. Thank you 💜 

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10 hours ago, Bella1234 said:

. He told me from the beginning “I am not exactly single but in the process of separation.”  .

Excellent you have moved on successfully and have a great co-parenting relationship with your kids father.

Unfortunately getting involved with a married person is nothing but headaches and heartaches and lies. There's nothing to understand or "get". You need to cut your losses.

People like this lack integrity. They selfishly whip through other's lives like a tornado. Nothing but drama and destruction in thier wakes.

It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

If you are ready to date, get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

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You used the word 'separated' rather than divorce when you met this guy. So both of you were rebounders, and I'd chalk this off as two people who never took the time to stabilize solo making the kind of choices that are typical of leapfrogging from a marriage into another relationship.

You can keep this mistake going, or you can take that solo time today.

We never get any wasted time back to live over again. That means, as difficult as it may be, it's important to make better decisions as we move forward.

Head high, and choose wisely.

Edited by catfeeder
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Just a quick update.. since I have been doing NC he’s txt nasty things to me. I’ve blocked and removed him from social media.   The insults disrespecting my family, insulting my past and decisions and my previous father of my children. I was accused of not giving him a baby and now “his ship has sailed”  I received a phone call in the am to “apologize”   I am devastated and feel sick.  Also heard he’s trying to pick up another female at work... why did I waste this time with him? Why does it still hurt? 

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