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Am I right to feel wary moving forwards or am I overreacting?


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Hi,

My girlfriend (31) and I (38) have been dating for just over 4 months now, we spend most weekends together as well as meeting once or twice each week so we've seen a lot of each other in that time compared to a lot of new couples (probably partly pandemic/living close too).

My girlfriend has a lot of lovely qualities, she's very caring, thoughtful, beautiful and has a great sense of humour, she's also always up for going out and doing things which are all what I look for in a relationship as well as that spark obviously. The negatives are that she can be quite jealous and insecure, this is even before the world has started back to normality again so we haven't been in social situations yet such as meeting friends or family, or out in pubs together.

In general we love each others company and 90% of the time things are great, however little things have seemed like red flags to me and slightly push me away in what seems to be every 3/4 weeks they pop up, often once I start relaxing and letting myself really enjoy things.

Examples being questioning me about a guy mate that had texted me (she accidentally thought it was a female name, not that having a female mate should be a prob), questions about who I'm texting, accusing me of still being on dating apps when I'm not (her phone came up with a dating app advert whilst connected to my wifi, technically doesn't even make sense), sometimes overreacting to things I say/takes things out of context even if it started as something positive, little silly things that push me away a bit. She did apologise after every single time which is a positive, but they have still played on my mind after seeing as it's such a short space of time.

Some of those may be because she's an anxious person, also she was cheated on in the past by a long term boyfriend who was texting other women however I have had the same situations yet I go into new relationships with a clean slate. We have spoken about the above issues and she is genuinely working on them however we still seem to have something pop up every few weeks which seems to be clouding my feelings/excitement about everything.

The latest was after an amazing valentines weekend together, and again starting to really relax and enjoy what we have again I randomly got a message asking if I care about her at all, which was completely out the blue to me seeing as we had such a nice weekend along with exchanging thoughtful presents (such as custom pics together) and being very affectionate towards each other.

I then went over to hers and we spoke about things, she felt I don't open up enough about my feelings with her and that it causes her to question if I even like her, to me this was news, I felt my actions make it obvious. I've always been fairly reserved with words and lead with my actions (partly due to being burned in the past for being too open). I did explain this which she seemed to understand, but I got the feeling like she might be expecting me to be using the L word by now which we haven't yet, however I don't feel in that place yet although I'm very fond of her.

Am I overreacting reading into those little things so much and letting them cloud my feelings? I think I'm partly wary of the fact I'm 38 and she's 31 neither of us want to waste our time, also is it strange for me to not be feeling quite 'in love' or falling in love after 4 months when it seems she might be? I do like her a lot and each time there's a peaceful patch and no misunderstandings my feelings grow a lot more, but I feel like they get batted back down again each little incident.

Maybe I have too high expectations and the above are completely normal misunderstandings? I may be 38 but I don't have many long term relationships to compare this to.

Appreciate your opinions 🙂

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Being accused of crimes you're not committing should be a dealbreaker to most. And her apologies mean nothing if the behavior keeps continuing. And what feelings does she want you to express at this point? Four months in, it's usually infatuation. You gave what you felt and it wasn't enough for her. 

I don't think she'll change. If you want, you can give her an ultimatum, explaining that emotional baggage and mistrust can't have a place in the relationship, and if it happens again, you'll be gone. And also you could be honest and tell her how you really feel and that her behavior is what has prevented your feelings from growing.

If you ignore the red flags now, you'll be investing in an upsetting and stressful relationship. That's the point of dating. To see who fits with you and who doesn't. 

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hmmm. I read somewhere, the red flags we ignore in the beginning become the things that ultimately break us up. 

I think anyone in their 30s. is going to have some baggage of old hurts. but her being cheated on and anxiety are her issues to address. 

I have learned that compensating for someone else's anxieties is too much for me. it's draining and expecting too much from me.

I would have a discussion with her that she needs to work on controlling these things for the benefit of the relationship. And if she can't, maybe it's best you see other people. 

Become strong in expressing your own needs. It's really the only way to go. You don't have to be a jerk about. It's not on you to fix other people.  but it is on you to decide what you accept and what you don't. 

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25 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Examples being questioning me about a guy mate that had texted me (she accidentally thought it was a female name, not that having a female mate should be a prob), questions about who I'm texting, accusing me of still being on dating apps when I'm not (her phone came up with a dating app advert whilst connected to my wifi, technically doesn't even make sense), sometimes overreacting to things I say/takes things out of context even if it started as something positive, little silly things that push me away a bit. She did apologise after every single time which is a positive, but they have still played on my mind after seeing as it's such a short space of time.

Some of those may be because she's an anxious person, also she was cheated on in the past by a long term boyfriend who was texting other women however I have had the same situations yet I go into new relationships with a clean slate. We have spoken about the above issues and she is genuinely working on them however we still seem to have something pop up every few weeks which seems to be clouding my feelings/excitement about everything. 

 

Sounds to me like there are some unresolved issues on her part here. Being cheated on is awful (can't say I've had personal experience but can imagine), and I can imagine the trust issues and worries that may arise from this. Her guard may be up extra high as a result. However, there comes a point where we do have to look past these experiences and embrace new relationships, but also be willing to accept that these things could happen again when we put ourselves back out there. Not saying that you would cheat, just that we have to be cautious to only a certain extent. It sounds to me that she is still very much worried about unfaithfulness, and she needs to address this before she can fully commit herself to a loving and supportive relationship.

I've personally had some pretty rubbish experiences with men a few years ago, and as horrible as it sometimes was, I've instead used these as lessons to identify red flags, but that doesn't mean I fly off the handle or become accusatory if I am sceptical about certain behaviours. That's how I know I have moved past these and I am willing to embrace romance.

To summarise, I just feel that there are some unresolved issues on her part.

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2 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

we've seen a lot of each other

probably living close too.

seemed like red flags to me 

push me away

 silly things that push me away

clouding my feelings/excitement about everything.

 got a message asking if I care about her at all

partly due to being burned in the past for being too open.

expecting me to be using the L word by now which we haven't yet

it strange for me to not be feeling quite 'in love' or falling in love after 4 months🙂

Sorry this is happening. It seems like too much too soon. Unfortunately you have a lot of negative impressions of her and come across as feeling suffocated by someone you're sleeping with but are merely "fond of". 

 It's clear she senses this especially not bothering with 'I love you' on Valentines day because "you've been burned in the past".  Step back from this. You're not that into her and she knows this.

If you want to salvage this you'll have to reflect why you think she's "jealous", "silly " and why you keep seeing her. Then decide if being this withholding, cold and distant is working for you...or her.

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Four months is not long. She told you what she needs more of and it's verbal affirmations. Since you appear unsure about her I'm sure she also senses this shift and it adds to the insecurity. I'm not keen on her grilling you about who you talk to. It's one thing being curious about a person's friends and it's another citing cheated-on issues as an excuse for being hyper-sensitive to a partner's interactions with friends. I'm curious if this is what she's doing? Getting insecure and then apologizing that it's because she was cheated on in the past? Does she often talk about her exes and past relationships? That's usually a sign of someone who hasn't fully healed or made peace or acknowledged themselves in the past. 

All those things that are good about her that you listed? Reflect on those if you enjoy her company. Look at what she's asking for - more verbal affirmations. 

If you see something in her or want to pursue this, be clear with her. Don't sidestep any difficult questions. It could be she's looking for confirmation that you're both on the same page. Talk about what you want as a couple. That's your cue to decide whether or not she's someone you want to get to know more of seriously or if she's just someone who's a time-pass for you or someone you're dating  casually. 

The only people here in this scenario are you and her. The plus is that it's just the two of you! The only people you need to be clear with are just two - you and her. Keep it simple and the communication open. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Examples being questioning me about a guy mate that had texted me (she accidentally thought it was a female name, not that having a female mate should be a prob), questions about who I'm texting, accusing me of still being on dating apps

- In just 4 months... why is she going thru your phone?

Out of respect, I have never done that, except for one long term, where my suspicions were correct - a cheater. Other than that, I have never gone thru a bf's phone.

Sounds like her insecurites are getting the best of her... and affecting you.

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

she was cheated on in the past by a long term boyfriend who was texting other women however I have had the same situations yet I go into new relationships with a clean slate.

Good for you.  is not good to let past experiences affect one's new relationship.  (which seems like she is doing..)

Was she on her own long. before you came along?

 

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

We have spoken about the above issues and she is genuinely working on them however we still seem to have something pop up every few weeks which seems to be clouding my feelings/excitement about everything.

Understandable, since her insecurities keep popping up.

How is she 'working on them"?  She probably needs to be NOT in a relationship, to work on improving these issue's of hers.. or this is what happens.

 

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

she might be expecting me to be using the L word by now which we haven't yet, however I don't feel in that place yet although I'm very fond of her.

 is it strange for me to not be feeling quite 'in love' or falling in love after 4 months when it seems she might be? 

- Has only been 4 months, and no, at this rate, you'll never feel real 'love' with this behaviour of hers.

Plus, can take a guy longer to get there, as women get emotionally invested faster.

usually within the first few months, is when it's a make or break with relationships.  it's either there or it's not.

You might want to think of exiting this one, as it's most likely going to continue... and will affect you in a neg.

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28 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

- In just 4 months... why is she going thru your phone?

Out of respect, I have never done that, except for one long term, where my suspicions were correct - a cheater. Other than that, I have never gone thru a bf's phone.

Sounds like her insecurites are getting the best of her... and affecting you.

Good for you.  is not good to let past experiences affect one's new relationship.  (which seems like she is doing..)

Was she on her own long. before you came along?

 

Understandable, since her insecurities keep popping up.

How is she 'working on them"?  She probably needs to be NOT in a relationship, to work on improving these issue's of hers.. or this is what happens.

 

 is it strange for me to not be feeling quite 'in love' or falling in love after 4 months when it seems she might be? 

- Has only been 4 months, and no, at this rate, you'll never feel real 'love' with this behaviour of hers.

Plus, can take a guy longer to get there, as women get emotionally invested faster.

usually within the first few months, is when it's a make or break with relationships.  it's either there or it's not.

You might want to think of exiting this one, as it's most likely going to continue... and will affect you in a neg.

Thank you for your feedback, all very sensible advice.

With the phone thing she wasn't going through it but she was looking at my phone when I opened whatsapp to show her something, then a little bit later questioned who it was that had messaged and why (mistakedly thinking it was a female name) and admitted she was worried I had been texting other women (without me giving her any reasons to doubt me). She was very sorry after and we did have a proper talk after that one, I explained that I understood her insecurities but I had gone through similar with an ex years ago and it's a red flag to me as I don't want to go through that again.

She was on her own for a while before I came along (a year or two) as was I, so felt we were both in the same place...both independent yet ready to meet that special someone if they came along.

I do feel like it would be there, if it was allowed to flourish without these mishaps!

 

 

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37 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Four months is not long. She told you what she needs more of and it's verbal affirmations. Since you appear unsure about her I'm sure she also senses this shift and it adds to the insecurity. I'm not keen on her grilling you about who you talk to. It's one thing being curious about a person's friends and it's another citing cheated-on issues as an excuse for being hyper-sensitive to a partner's interactions with friends. I'm curious if this is what she's doing? Getting insecure and then apologizing that it's because she was cheated on in the past? Does she often talk about her exes and past relationships? That's usually a sign of someone who hasn't fully healed or made peace or acknowledged themselves in the past. 

All those things that are good about her that you listed? Reflect on those if you enjoy her company. Look at what she's asking for - more verbal affirmations. 

If you see something in her or want to pursue this, be clear with her. Don't sidestep any difficult questions. It could be she's looking for confirmation that you're both on the same page. Talk about what you want as a couple. That's your cue to decide whether or not she's someone you want to get to know more of seriously or if she's just someone who's a time-pass for you or someone you're dating  casually. 

The only people here in this scenario are you and her. The plus is that it's just the two of you! The only people you need to be clear with are just two - you and her. Keep it simple and the communication open. 

 

Thanks for this, all very good points and I certainly have some thinking and talking to do! I know that nobody is perfect including myself, hopefully it's just teething problems although seems soon to be feeling this way. We shall see!

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5 hours ago, Lambert said:

hmmm. I read somewhere, the red flags we ignore in the beginning become the things that ultimately break us up. 

I think anyone in their 30s. is going to have some baggage of old hurts. but her being cheated on and anxiety are her issues to address. 

I have learned that compensating for someone else's anxieties is too much for me. it's draining and expecting too much from me.

I would have a discussion with her that she needs to work on controlling these things for the benefit of the relationship. And if she can't, maybe it's best you see other people. 

Become strong in expressing your own needs. It's really the only way to go. You don't have to be a jerk about. It's not on you to fix other people.  but it is on you to decide what you accept and what you don't. 

Good advice! Thank you. Can completely relate to the compensating for other peoples anxieties thing, I've had similar in the past and as someone that gets anxious themselves it's not a great mix.

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10 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

we did have a proper talk after that one, I explained that I understood her insecurities but I had gone through similar with an ex years ago and it's a red flag to me as I don't want to go through that again.

Right.. and you are seeing a similar.. repeat?

So what, if you have a gal as a friend.  We're allowed!  She has been in your life 4 mos?

We all have friends who have been around a lot longer!

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5 hours ago, Andrina said:

Being accused of crimes you're not committing should be a dealbreaker to most. And her apologies mean nothing if the behavior keeps continuing. And what feelings does she want you to express at this point? Four months in, it's usually infatuation. You gave what you felt and it wasn't enough for her. 

I don't think she'll change. If you want, you can give her an ultimatum, explaining that emotional baggage and mistrust can't have a place in the relationship, and if it happens again, you'll be gone. And also you could be honest and tell her how you really feel and that her behavior is what has prevented your feelings from growing.

If you ignore the red flags now, you'll be investing in an upsetting and stressful relationship. That's the point of dating. To see who fits with you and who doesn't. 

All great points, and yes perhaps it may of been a dealbreaker to some people right away, I was willing to let it go and forget first time but the second time didn't help. I had hoped that eventually she would relax more once she knew me enough to trust me because I really enjoy the good things in our relationship.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi guys,

So a follow on from this, unfortunately yesterday I ended things with her after a turbulent two weeks and I must say I feel utterly dreadful and I'm not sure if I made the correct decision.

A couple of weeks back it was reaching the end of the week and I had been absolutely run off my feet with work, working till 10pm most days, this is a very rare occurance (every few months) that it's this busy however it can last a week or two then I try and make time over the weekends for us and one weekday usually. This occassion we had met up for the Monday evening, and then I was trying to organise spending Friday evening together and then the rest of weekend.

The problem is I was utterly shattered by the Friday and had been suffering from insomnia so I said I wanted to sleep in my own bed after our evening together to get a nice long sleep ready for our walk the next day and weekend together (where we would be staying together), this did not go down well though and and said I seem to need a lot of my own space lately. It's worth bearing in mind we do live about 5 minutes away so I can see why she felt that way.

I did go over that evening and we spoke about things, I explained how rough I felt that day and things seemed to be nice for the rest of the weekend we had a lovely weekend and felt great again. She did explain though that it wasn't enough for her. I did say I would work on this, but did also explain about it being a rare period that work was hectic.

The next week (this week) things were looking extremely busy with work again, in fact I was working till after 10 from Monday to Wednesday, I also had a day booked for a very close friend of mines Birthday on the Friday so on Monday I was communicative and gave her a heads up about Friday (should I of asked permission or ran it by her?), then I said I'm likely free on Wednesday/Thursday once I'm on top of it all and definitely free on Saturday and Sunday if she was free on those days (or either one). I didn't hear from her till the evening in which was a curt reply saying she had now organised something with her friend on the Saturday night and to just see about the Wednesday or Thursday.

I could sense she was annoyed, on my side I was then feeling fed up/a terrible gut feeling arriving that she was annoyed about me seeing friend on Friday (close friends and days like that are very important to me) because I had suggested other days to organise our own schedule so I didn't feel like I was 'choosing' mates over us, and on the other hand I could sense why she was frustrated that after 5 months I wasn't able to set more time aside at the start of the week too.

She had been having a very stressful time at work so in hindsight, and if I knew how terrible she was feeling, I should of swapped Thursday with Tuesday or Wednesday but in my head I felt like Thursday and weekend wasn't unreasonable however I now feel like it was a lack of empathy on my part and I shouldn't of been so focussed on my work stresses and sorting that first.

The rest of the week contact was sporadic, and quite cold at times on her side however still talking. Thursday I contacted her in the morning to see if she wanted to watch a film/series and spend some time together that night finally as I was getting on top of things, she said she wasn't sure, then said she wanted to stay at home. I then said I felt like she was unhappy with me, and asked what the matter was. She said she had no reason to be unhappy with me and that nothing was wrong, and that she just wanted to stay at home alone that was all. I said fair enough and did not push the point any further.

I felt I had been stonewalled and my gut feeling was getting stronger about this situation, by the time I had reached weekend for some reason I felt sure I wanted to end things based on the little red flags that had popped up in the 5 months of dating (explained above) and then the current week, and how it was making us both feel.

Saturday she suggested going for a walk, in which we discussed why she was annoyed and how we both felt, turns out she was angry about the Friday and she felt I had put my friends first over her, I explained that close friends and things like Birthdays are very important to me too and that I cant apologise for that, also that I did suggest other days upfront however she was really upset with me and very upset that I couldn't see her on the Monday and Tuesday given how she was feeling.

I felt utterly terrible, but I explained how my gut feeling was about everything including the previous little issues that had cropped up from time to time, and that I felt there were too many compatability issues arrising. So we ended there, she walked off into the distance infront of me, both of us in tears.

Part of the problems I have felt conflicted with since are, those little issues she had actively been trying to fix and improve, nobody is perfect including myself and relationships are going to have little issues so I do wonder if in my lack of long term relationship experience I was focussing too much on these little red flags, hanging on to them too much then and instead of being patient with her and riding it out I was too quick to pull the trigger. I also feel very mean for bringing them up again, I shouldn't be keeping some sort of list in my head.

After she left yesterday she did text saying she couldn't believe that I just ended things like that without trying to fix the issues, and it made me wonder, why didn't I? When things were good (which was a lot of the time) they were lovely, she's loving, caring, great sense of humour, very attractive, loved doing things, could it be that the intensity of the situation during covid has clouded my decisions? We weren't able to do the whole dating stage properly due to lockdown for most of the 5 months so I wonder if things were more under the spotlight because of this.  Your opinions are much appreciated. Have I made a mistake?

 

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This is way too much drama for such a short relationship. 

You're not compatible and she is demanding and immature. It's time you faced the reality of that, man, and stay broken up. It was not working. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is way too much drama for such a short relationship. 

You're not compatible and she is demanding and immature. It's time you faced the reality of that, man, and stay broken up. It was not working. 

Thank you, I needed to hear this was going out my mind hearing mates say all these things are normal. 

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She could have handled herself better but hindsight is always 20/20. Instead of sulking and pretending things were fine she could have calmly or rationally told you how much she missed you without dumping it all on your shoulders or giving you the impression you're basically an utter failure for not spending more time with her. The sad part of all this is I think very poor communication but we have all been there. Always room for improvement. 

Also, what is this thing about working until 10? Is this the nature of your job/career? It's often enough if it's 2/4 weeks out of every month. The other person should know what's going on with your career or what things might look like for the next few months, years, decades if this is indeed the life that you see for yourself. What do you see for yourself with your work? 

Both of you seem very incompatible in regards to work and free time and may be in different phases of your lives/careers. I think you did the right thing overall. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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2 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Hi guys,

So a follow on from this, unfortunately yesterday I ended things with her after a turbulent two weeks and I must say I feel utterly dreadful and I'm not sure if I made the correct decision.

A couple of weeks back it was reaching the end of the week and I had been absolutely run off my feet with work, working till 10pm most days, this is a very rare occurance (every few months) that it's this busy however it can last a week or two then I try and make time over the weekends for us and one weekday usually. This occassion we had met up for the Monday evening, and then I was trying to organise spending Friday evening together and then the rest of weekend.

The problem is I was utterly shattered by the Friday and had been suffering from insomnia so I said I wanted to sleep in my own bed after our evening together to get a nice long sleep ready for our walk the next day and weekend together (where we would be staying together), this did not go down well though and and said I seem to need a lot of my own space lately. It's worth bearing in mind we do live about 5 minutes away so I can see why she felt that way.

I did go over that evening and we spoke about things, I explained how rough I felt that day and things seemed to be nice for the rest of the weekend we had a lovely weekend and felt great again. She did explain though that it wasn't enough for her. I did say I would work on this, but did also explain about it being a rare period that work was hectic.

The next week (this week) things were looking extremely busy with work again, in fact I was working till after 10 from Monday to Wednesday, I also had a day booked for a very close friend of mines Birthday on the Friday so on Monday I was communicative and gave her a heads up about Friday (should I of asked permission or ran it by her?), then I said I'm likely free on Wednesday/Thursday once I'm on top of it all and definitely free on Saturday and Sunday if she was free on those days (or either one). I didn't hear from her till the evening in which was a curt reply saying she had now organised something with her friend on the Saturday night and to just see about the Wednesday or Thursday.

I could sense she was annoyed, on my side I was then feeling fed up/a terrible gut feeling arriving that she was annoyed about me seeing friend on Friday (close friends and days like that are very important to me) because I had suggested other days to organise our own schedule so I didn't feel like I was 'choosing' mates over us, and on the other hand I could sense why she was frustrated that after 5 months I wasn't able to set more time aside at the start of the week too.

She had been having a very stressful time at work so in hindsight, and if I knew how terrible she was feeling, I should of swapped Thursday with Tuesday or Wednesday but in my head I felt like Thursday and weekend wasn't unreasonable however I now feel like it was a lack of empathy on my part and I shouldn't of been so focussed on my work stresses and sorting that first.

The rest of the week contact was sporadic, and quite cold at times on her side however still talking. Thursday I contacted her in the morning to see if she wanted to watch a film/series and spend some time together that night finally as I was getting on top of things, she said she wasn't sure, then said she wanted to stay at home. I then said I felt like she was unhappy with me, and asked what the matter was. She said she had no reason to be unhappy with me and that nothing was wrong, and that she just wanted to stay at home alone that was all. I said fair enough and did not push the point any further.

I felt I had been stonewalled and my gut feeling was getting stronger about this situation, by the time I had reached weekend for some reason I felt sure I wanted to end things based on the little red flags that had popped up in the 5 months of dating (explained above) and then the current week, and how it was making us both feel.

Saturday she suggested going for a walk, in which we discussed why she was annoyed and how we both felt, turns out she was angry about the Friday and she felt I had put my friends first over her, I explained that close friends and things like Birthdays are very important to me too and that I cant apologise for that, also that I did suggest other days upfront however she was really upset with me and very upset that I couldn't see her on the Monday and Tuesday given how she was feeling.

I felt utterly terrible, but I explained how my gut feeling was about everything including the previous little issues that had cropped up from time to time, and that I felt there were too many compatability issues arrising. So we ended there, she walked off into the distance infront of me, both of us in tears.

Part of the problems I have felt conflicted with since are, those little issues she had actively been trying to fix and improve, nobody is perfect including myself and relationships are going to have little issues so I do wonder if in my lack of long term relationship experience I was focussing too much on these little red flags, hanging on to them too much then and instead of being patient with her and riding it out I was too quick to pull the trigger. I also feel very mean for bringing them up again, I shouldn't be keeping some sort of list in my head.

After she left yesterday she did text saying she couldn't believe that I just ended things like that without trying to fix the issues, and it made me wonder, why didn't I? When things were good (which was a lot of the time) they were lovely, she's loving, caring, great sense of humour, very attractive, loved doing things, could it be that the intensity of the situation during covid has clouded my decisions? We weren't able to do the whole dating stage properly due to lockdown for most of the 5 months so I wonder if things were more under the spotlight because of this.  Your opinions are much appreciated. Have I made a mistake?

 

I don’t think you made a mistake at all. You handled this perfectly, maturely...and I think once she deals with her issues and moves past them, she’ll think the same. Maybe the timing between you two was just off. 

ETA: I just saw your comments about your mates. They’re right, that insecure, toxic behavior is pretty common...and that’s why so many people are in unhappy relationships and marriages, or complain about their partner so much. They don’t have the maturity, levelheaded-ness, and standards that you do. Because of that, I have no doubt you’ll have a very happy marriage and a great life partner one day. And hey, that’s the goal, right?

Edited by indea08
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11 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She could have handled herself better but hindsight is always 20/20. Instead of sulking and pretending things were fine she could have calmly or rationally told you how much she missed you without dumping it all on your shoulders or giving you the impression you're basically an utter failure for not spending more time with her. The sad part of all this is I think very poor communication but we have all been there. Always room for improvement. 

Also, what is this thing about working until 10? Is this the nature of your job/career? It's often enough if it's 2/4 weeks out of every month. The other person should know what's going on with your career or what things might look like for the next few months, years, decades if this is indeed the life that you see for yourself. What do you see for yourself with your work? 

Both of you seem very incompatible in regards to work and free time and may be in different phases of your lives/careers. I think you did the right thing overall. 

 

I worked far harder when I worked full time and way more unpredictable.  So what I did was I dated men who had the same type of hours/career and/or I was up front from the beginnning.  I was fine if they weren't fine with it.  Some were not.  My career was really important to me for the 15 years I worked in that specific field with those specific hours.  But yes I was up front and even so of course it caused stress/conflict at times.  Good point! My husband now works longer/harder fairly regularly than what the OP described.  I knew that going in.  I am very proud of his work/dedication.  And it's still really hard sometimes especially since we have a child!

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1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

Thank you, I needed to hear this was going out my mind hearing mates say all these things are normal. 

 I don't know what kind of people you hang out with, but these things are not normal. 

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Her insecurities are through the roof.  You did the right thing by ending the relationship.   This woman has too many insecurities and trust issues.  I feel sorry for the next guy!

You should have ended it sooner.  Block and delete.

 

Edited by Hollyj
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1 hour ago, indea08 said:

I don’t think you made a mistake at all. You handled this perfectly, maturely...and I think once she deals with her issues and moves past them, she’ll think the same. Maybe the timing between you two was just off. 

ETA: I just saw your comments about your mates. They’re right, that insecure, toxic behavior is pretty common...and that’s why so many people are in unhappy relationships and marriages, or complain about their partner so much. They don’t have the maturity, levelheaded-ness, and standards that you do. Because of that, I have no doubt you’ll have a very happy marriage and a great life partner one day. And hey, that’s the goal, right?

Thank you for this, I feel much better right now about my decision. Sad emotions can certainly cloud things sometimes! I’m sure I’ll feel rubbish for a bit but that’s normal. I really do hope that happens for me one day with meeting the right person to settle down with, that’s definitely the goal especially being 38. I wish the best for her too. 

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You gave her plenty of your time, even with your busy schedule. She's a black hole of neediness, and nothing but isolating you from your friends with her being the sole center of your universe would be enough for her. Minor flaws are worth working on. This was a major flaw and you should cut a person loose as soon as you see a major one.

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You didn't make a mistake. The problem is this behaviour was actually ongoing, it happened every few weeks for no reason. "No reason" being the key word here. You actually didn't do anything to make her feel jealous and suspicious, yet she felt like this often. She said she was working on these issues but was she really? Someone that's working on their issues wouldn't be showing the same negative behaviour over and over and over.

That's awful her ex cheated on her but you are a different person and it's actually her responsibility to get therapy or do whatever she needs to work through this. It's not on you to be walking on eggshells and reassuring her all the time. 

Another thing is it also depends on what values and beliefs you have and whether they align with hers. She thought you were texting a female friend, so what? I don't have many male friends anyway but I have two close male friends. One is basically gay but the other one is completely straight. I have nothing to hide as they are just friends. If I wasn't single I wouldn't hang out with them constantly, especially the straight one, but I wouldn't end the friendship either. If she wants a guy who has zero female friends then she has to find someone else. I don't see why you should end all your female friendships just because she got paranoid that she saw one text or something. Yeah if you have female friends you might text them sometimes but it shouldn't be an issue. How else are you meant to have friends if you never speak to them at all?

You don't have to ask her permission to catch up with your friends either. You spent a lot of time with her as it is and you're allowed to also have your own life and see your friends.

She asked you how could you just end it without working on the issues. But you didn't actually have anything to work on, it was her responsibility. And her behaviour didn't change at all. She's extremely insecure and clingy. You already spent like 4 days a week as it was and she was asking do you care about her at all! What did she want you to do, get on the rooftop and yell at the top of your lungs I LOVE YOU!! Even then she'd probably be insecure because that's just how she is.

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