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On Wednesday I got sad/upset because he found out last minute that he had to leave for a mission right before Valentine’s Day so our plans got cancelled. 
Before I could explain to him on the phone that I wasn’t upset with him, I was just upset with the situation, he hung up. He texts me that he’s done. So my initial reaction was to cry and tell him I’m sorry and that whatever the issue is, we’ll fix it. He’s very very very stubborn so he’s like no no I’m done. This is Wednesday. We still had plans Thursday to see each other, which didn’t happen. All of Thursday were going back and forth through texts, which I know didn’t make it better. 
His flight was Saturday (his unit is in NOLA) so we have a routine of me always dropping him off at the airport. Anyway, I asked if he still wanted me to take him since we’re broken up. He says yeah. 

So Saturday is my first time seeing him since he broke up with me Wednesday. I go there and my emotions are kinda high so I asked him if he’s genuinely done with me or just frustrated? He kept saying “idk” which was frustrating me and I told him when he says idk that leaves me in a confused and hopeful spot... I kept asking so he got annoyed and he’s like “no your answer is no. I’m done since you keep asking” 

So I got upset and went and sat in the car. He comes to the car, puts his bags up and then comes around the drivers seat and he’s like I forgot to give you a kiss... (so now I’m even more confused) I don’t say anything during the drive and he tries to put his hand on my leg. So I’m sitting there quiet more confused. We get to the airport and he leaves his vape in my car and then I got out to help with his bags, and he kisses me and is like I’ll see you when I get back... I’m more confused. 

Typically before he leaves, I’ll text him like have a safe flight, and before he lands I’ll be like hey did you land? Are you ok, blah blah. I didn’t ask if he boarded his flight, he texted me saying bye. I didn’t ask if he landed either, he texts me and says he landed. So I’m more confused. 

He typically texts me good morning but hasn’t since yesterday, I have. And the weather is bad so I’ve checked up on him. I asked him again today through texts if he will think about it and his response was “yea.” So I asked when and his response was “I don’t know when I get to it.” It’s like he reaches out and wants to talk but then when I talk or ask about the relationship part, he doesn’t. Am I being too forceful?

Should I just completely not talk to him and give him space or what should I do? I’m racking my brain and don’t know what all this even means. Does it sound like he’s genuinely done or being impulsive?

Edited by Ccquestionssss
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4 hours ago, Ccquestionssss said:

. He texts me that he’s done. 

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Does he frequently have to go out of town on military duty?

Have you broken up before? It sounds like he wants to fool around while he's away and not be saddled with a relationship.

You need to reflect while he's away. Don't chase, reward him by acting like a chauffeur after he dumps you, etc.

It sounds like he's checked out and you're suffocating him. Take this time to reconsider staying with someone who treats you like disposable trash.

Edited by Wiseman2
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5 hours ago, Ccquestionssss said:

“I don’t know when I get to it.”

This relationship is a power struggle. If you express your feelings, he uses it as an opportunity to dangle a relationship carrot in front of your face. Why do you participate in this silly game? It's bass ackwards.

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6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

This relationship is a power struggle. If you express your feelings, he uses it as an opportunity to dangle a relationship carrot in front of your face. Why do you participate in this silly game? It's bass ackwards.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible he’s a narc?

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4 minutes ago, Ccquestionssss said:

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible he’s a narc?

The "alpha male" trait is narcissistic. This term describes an overgrown child that doesn't share.

7 minutes ago, Ccquestionssss said:

This part of him overtakes all the good he does. 

This is the most important thing to take into account. Is it really worth being with this person? Or does it just seem that way because of the highs and the lows?

Hint: If the highs and the lows cancel each other out, you're not really getting anywhere. You're on a treadmill.

Edited by Jibralta
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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

The "alpha male" trait is narcissistic. This term describes an overgrown child that doesn't share.

This is the most important thing to take into account. Is it really worth being with this person? Or does it just seem that way because of the highs and the lows?

Hint: If the highs and the lows cancel each other out, you're not really getting anywhere. You're on a treadmill.


If I were to make a list of the good and bad, there’s definitely more good than there is bad. But this type of behavior is very bothersome for me. If I talk about it, he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like feeling like he needs to express emotions. I try to let it go, but then he’s still standoffish but also reaching out on his own. And then when I ask if he’s genuinely done, his response is idk or he’ll think about it, just leaving things up in the air. Which puts me in a tough spot mentally. I don’t want it to end. I’m always the one trying to fix it, somehow. 
How effective is being distant and silent treatment with a man?

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1 minute ago, Ccquestionssss said:

How effective is being distant and silent treatment with a man?

Why don't you just speak plainly and directly to each other like adults? Why does your relationship require games like, "I'll think about it," and "I'm not talking to you?" 

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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Why don't you just speak plainly and directly to each other like adults? Why does your relationship require games like, "I'll think about it," and "I'm not talking to you?" 

Oh trust me I have tried that. But he said he’s done talking about. And I told him that when he says things like idk, he’s leaving things up in the air. And he goes silent. It becomes talking to a wall honestly. I’ve asked the same thing several times in different ways and his response will be idk or shuts down. The people that know him keep telling me he’ll come around and to just let it be. 🙄

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1 minute ago, Ccquestionssss said:

But he said he’s done talking about. And I told him that when he says things like idk, he’s leaving things up in the air. And he goes silent. It becomes talking to a wall honestly. I’ve asked the same thing several times in different ways and his response will be idk or shuts down. The people that know him keep telling me he’ll come around and to just let it be.

I'm sorry that this is acceptable to you. 

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1 minute ago, Ccquestionssss said:

Oh trust me I have tried that. But he said he’s done talking about. And I told him that when he says things like idk, he’s leaving things up in the air. And he goes silent. It becomes talking to a wall honestly. I’ve asked the same thing several times in different ways and his response will be idk or shuts down. The people that know him keep telling me he’ll come around and to just let it be. 🙄

Maybe it's time to concede that this relationship really isn't working and you two need to break up forever. 

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It's over. He softened up in the drive to the airport or while saying goodbye because he likely felt some guilt over ending things with you. The hot/cold behaviour and 'I don't knows' mean No. No means it's your cue to start the healing process and not let his guilt or your guilt get in the way of moving forwards. 

Use the time now to do all the things you wanted to do. Feel sad if you need to feel sad and take care of yourself.

I would not offer any more airport rides or catch up coffees or lunches and resist the urge to respond to text updates. 

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18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's over. He softened up in the drive to the airport or while saying goodbye because he likely felt some guilt over ending things with you. The hot/cold behaviour and 'I don't knows' mean No. No means it's your cue to start the healing process and not let his guilt or your guilt get in the way of moving forwards. 

 

I read the "I don't know" . . .as "we are broken up, but I want to keep you on ice while I am away".  So, my "I don't know" is nothing more than breadcrumb to keep you hooked.  I don't have to think about you while I am gone, because if you were listening, I technically ended it, but I *might think about it.  Which also means I might not.

If you keep forcing his hand for an answer other than the one you are given, you back him in a corner just to say a flat no to you again. 

Most people have a hard time saying a firm no to someone who is distraught and hurting.  A slow fade with mixed messages may be cowardly, but it's a common way to end things.  Especially for someone who keeps wanting to debate the No they been given to begin with.

I would consider this done. Someone tells me they are done, they have obviously put a lot of thought into it and are willing to risk losing me.   

Don't ever beg someone to love you back.  Him saying goodbye, I am done and kissing you is a mixed message and mean.  If he told me he was done,  I wouldn't be letting him kiss me.

He's broken up with you, yet you keep asking why all the typical routines you two shared are now different.  I didn't see at anytime he said he wanted to be in a relationship.  His actions are giving you the answers you need to pay attention to.  Ignore the breadcrumbs in between that you are trying to assign meeting to.   

Im sorry.   I know it hurts.  Anything short of him showing up on your doorstep apologizing is a no go.

Edited by reinventmyself
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12 hours ago, Ccquestionssss said:

Am I being too forceful?

Yup, you are driving him away & bothering him more.

Do NOT beg for a man's attention.

 

7 hours ago, Ccquestionssss said:

when I ask if he’s genuinely done, his response is idk or he’ll think about it, just leaving things up in the air. Which puts me in a tough spot mentally. I don’t want it to end. I’m always the one trying to fix it, somehow. 

- What's tough for YOU is accepting it's done 😞 

- You see how YOU are always the one to try & 'fix it'?

He's not into this.. and is dragging you on.

As mentioned above, he's being an idiot w/ his behaviour, leading you on.. to nothing! 

 

6 hours ago, Ccquestionssss said:

he goes silent. It becomes talking to a wall honestly. I’ve asked the same thing several times in different ways and his response will be idk or shuts down.

-Right.  He's had enough.  No reason to keep pestering him.. he has told you he's done. but YOU keep at him.

As mentioned.. it's called breadcrumbs.. little nothings.  that's all.

Time to learn, when you are being neglected.  Don't chase.  Don't beg.  IF they are really into you, you'd know it.

Walk away from all of this now.  Expect nothing more.

Work on accepting & healing now.

Respect yourself now.. leave him alone and start taking care of YOU.

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Do you honestly believe "the good outweighs the bad"? Or is that a story you tell yourself so you can justify staying in this relationship?

When you imagine your ideal love relationship does it include begging and pleading with a man to love you? Does it include allowing him to completely run the show and decide your life and your moods for you?

Edited by boltnrun
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It's only been a year. Perhaps it's time to reflect on two things.

Is a guy who treats you like this worth your time and effort?

And are you cut out for someone with military obligations or a profession that requires travel?

Use this time to decide what is right for you, not what's right for him.

 

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Speaking only for myself, I would never continue a relationship with someone who would drop me flat over his own temper tantrum.

Some people seek out mine-field relationships and can't coexist without crises. I'm not one of those.

Either someone is 'in this' with me, or he's not. Once he's not, then he's not.

Head high, grieve, heal and find yourself someone who owns some mental stability. This guy is not him.

 

 

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He sounds like a teenager.  This guy is very manipulative and just plain awful. 

No communication means no relationship.  It is sad that yo are willing to bend yourself into a pretzel for someone who is emotionally void.  How in the world can you share a future with someone like this?  You should expect more for yourself.

This is done!

Edited by Hollyj
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