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It's complicated idk


Helpless hooman

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🔴 Warning.. this is practically a novel coming up🔴
 

Everyone tells me it won’t work out with him. They told me this 3 years ago and they're telling me again. The problem was that I listened to them the first time ‘round. 
 

To give a little context, I’ve known him for the last 8 years and we’ve been best friends since. It’s never been platonic and we both know that. We almost did date officially if it weren’t for my commitment issues. I couldn’t stand the idea of the label “dating” but I hadn’t even realised this part myself until recently. I loved him, but I always made excuses as to why we shouldn't and we should just continue the way we were - flirting, being intimate and vulnerable, loving eachother and having the best conversations in our own little bubble. If you think how amazing that was, you'd wonder how I suddenly got overwhelmed one day when he hadn't even done anything to trigger it. I was overwhelmed by my own thoughts and of what people said. I was only 16, but I guess that's not really much of an excuse for how I was a *** later on. I was 16 nevertheless, so young and so so confused, I had no idea what to do with myself nor with him. 
 

3 years ago, when things were very real and intimate between us, I ghosted him out of the blue. I gave him no context and no warning, and just blocked him. For 8 months, I hadn’t checked in and for some reason, he never did either. It was only 8 months later, when I finally unblocked him that I realised that he actually did check in with me... everyday. Every ***ing day without fail. And my heart broke. My heart ***ing broke and no one will understand even when they say they do. They tell me I had to do what my gut told me to, but I don’t think they realise that my gut was just as confused when I’d done what I did. If only I’d just told him. 
 

Anyway, in no time we made up and started talking again because it broke me when I realised how much I'd ***ed over our friendship more than anything else. Unfortunately, as weeks of talking went by, I realised I still liked him. I wasn't so sure if I should tell him until later especially because everyone told me not to. So, I listened. I was doubleminded but I listened. 2 months later, when I talked it about it with someone else completely, he told me to just go for it because I was doubleminded and I could get my closure and move on. He's the only person I wish I could listen to forever. ( I didn't ask for his advice for the situation I'm currently typing for which is why I'm doing what I'm doing here :P ) .

By the time did told my ex I liked him, I was too late. He'd just started dating someone else because apparently one of my friends told him to move on because it'd never happen between him and I. She'd told him that that's what I'd wanted. But she hadn't even asked me. When I'd confessed to him, I'd left him confused. (Above all, I'm really glad he's open about his feelings with me). He told me he still liked me, but he didn't want to just break up with the other girl. I guess he figured that I was just a dead-end. 

He dated for three years. And in that time, I got over him but we were really great friends. I hadn't even considered dating him even when he'd tell me things like "oh we're like Ross and Rachel" (friends reference) or "I wish we could go back to the time when it was just the two of us and no one else." I chose to be mature about it and discouraged it. At some point, and I can't remember when, I'd realised I liked it. I didn't want to be that *** to the other girl,  but subconscioudly my justification was "she's already cheated on him a bajillion times and still is; and their relationship is so toxic; it's not going anywhere and he's not happy with her." I guess, regardless, I still am that ***. 

They finally broke up a few months ago and he seemed a lot more relieved than depressed. It was really reassuring to see that. Reassuring because I was really worried about him. He had a tendency to stick to the relatiionship and make it work no matter what. No matter what. He deserves all the happiness in the world. It didn't take him that long to get over her because we'd already started making plans to hook up. I know it sounds like rebound sex, and maybe honestly it could've been, but I'd believed that it wasn't because he's more of a "dating to get married" kinda guy and I'm the one with commitment issues. He's very well aware of it, so I figured that maybe he said that for my benefit. Unfortunately, I fell for him again even before we started hooking up (because the pandemic happened and well, I ended up being stuck in three different quarantines). Something happened in between though. I don't know what it is, but he's just suddenly grown a little distant. We can talk here and there, and we could have a basic conversation, but it's not the same. It's not the same energy, if that makes sense? I don't know if it's because right now he's focusing on not being in a serious relationship for a while (50% of the blame goes to me for sure). I did this to myself. But now that I realised that maybe I'd like to try a serious relationship, I'm not sure if I should tell him?

Now, before you advise me (whoever you are), you should know another thing. In these 3-4 years, there's been another guy in the picture. No, I've never cheated. No, I didn't leave the first guy (Bob) for the second (Goofy). Goofy is someone I've known since the beginning of time. We've been best friends since we were born and our parents were too. As kids, we used to make out all the time. We were the cutest young couple 😂. And when I left, that sorta changed. The period when I'd ghosted Bob, I was in another country. The same country Goofy was in and we'd gone on a trip a few months later. A lot of things went down that time. So he'd entered the picture but only when we were in the same country which was like once or twice a year. Since I'd gotten over Bob, we had a nice thing going on with no complications. Somehow, in the end, his own commitment issues ***ed it up. The irony 😂. He thought I wanted more. Like.. what? 😂😂There was a whole mess there but I really think I've typed too much already just go give context. 

I have this problem where I don't like to leave things messy with anyone, so I always clear things up such that we never ended on a bad note. My policy is that friendship beats anything it. That's my priority; especially if we were best friends. And both of them were/are my best friends. 

Anyway, I've been flirting a lot with Goofy. (Flirted with Bob and planned hook up November 2020; flirting with gooofy February 2021) and he's been talking about a future between us too and asking me to move to the country he’s currently in, but like I said earlier, I've fallen hard for Bob again and was ready to start something serious. Again, the i.r.o.n.y. That being said, everyone is telling me to just leave Bob and alone and go for Goofy because I'll just end up breaking Goofy again it seems. I'm leaving this country for further studies in a year and I don't believe in long distance relationships at this age, so unless he comes with me whenever I go, it might not be a good idea to date him :( . Which, by the way, should never happen. I want him to prioritise himself over me because his career and life are so much more important than being with me. 

After typing all this, I sorta laid it all out for myself to sort of grasp the situation myself because my mind is just so haphazard 😩 and hence the novel ^ .  
Even so, it’s still so complicated and messy because.. because both of them have my heart :( . I have commitment issues, but I have so much love to give and love so easily. How ironic is that? My commitment issues arise from my low self esteem and fear of having my heart broken, yet that’s exactly what I’m doing to others. I really don’t want that. Out of all the guys who’ve shown up these last 10 years, Bob and Goofy were the only two I’ve ever liked this much and for this long; and this consistently. I know I didn’t give much context with goofy, so it may seem pretty weird that I’m facing this dilemma; I got really tired of typing towards the end. 
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should listen to others (because I’ve been doing that all this time and it’s not been working, so maybe not). I don't know if I should tell Bob I love him. He needs to live his life and be content with himself and I don't want to disrupt that (but what if this is just another one of my own excuses like before?) I don't know if I should just forget about the both of them and start fresh because all I've ever wanted was something simple and nice, yet I've created this complicated mess for myself. I don't even know if this will work, but I'm really desperate at this point. I don't know if I'll even take your advice, but I guess we'll see how reasonable it seems. 

Send help pls

If you've reached here, I'm sorry you went through this. It's a headache just reading it, right? Exactly. 

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Work on yourself, be more confident not jumping from one guy to another. It's not worth it in the long run. All you'll end up teaching yourself is a version of yourself that needs another person to feel whole. Give dating a break for awhile. 

There is nothing wrong with choosing not to date or not to be with someone. You mentioned having commitment issues. Where do you think this is coming from and why is it a 'commitment issue' if it's just not the right time or not the right guy?

 

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59 minutes ago, Helpless hooman said:

I've been flirting a lot with Goofy. (Flirted with Bob and planned hook up November 2020; flirting with gooofy February 2021) and he's been talking about a future between us too and asking me to move to the country he’s currently in, but like I said earlier, I've fallen hard for Bob again and was ready to start something serious. Again, the i.r.o.n.y. That being said, everyone is telling me to just leave Bob and alone and go for Goofy because I'll just end up breaking Goofy again it seems.

None of this is really a good thing.

YOU are leading them both on because of YOUR uncertainty 😞

With one guy a few months ago, then onto another a few mos later?  And it goes on.. and on?

You like Bob (a lot!), but still kinda stuck on goofy?  Not good!

You ever hear of the saying... 'If you love more than one, you love neither enough'?

As for 'What everyone is saying'.. You NEED to think for yourself.

1 hour ago, Helpless hooman said:

I don't know if I should tell Bob I love him. He needs to live his life and be content with himself and I don't want to disrupt that (but what if this is just another one of my own excuses like before?) I don't know if I should just forget about the both of them and start fresh because all I've ever wanted was something simple and nice, yet I've created this complicated mess for myself.

Read this that you said.. ' You don;t want to disrupt Bob & to live his life - but what if.. it's just another one of your own excuses, like before'.

Yes, you are kinda messed up with it all.  Of course.

I do not suggest you 'start fresh'.. I suggest YOU take some serious down time - with no one.  Except yourself.

Time for YOU to work on yourself, on your own.. If you have commitment issue's etc - How good is that, leading all these guys on - to nothing, because YOU have issue's.

They don't need this.. neither do YOU.

IF you cannot commit.. or find the ability to focus on ONE man- w/out pulling away- you are messing everyone up.  😞 

Time to get away from both of them.  Respect these guys and leave them be.  Let them move on so they can work on healing from this experience, as well as yourself.

None of this mess is good .

Please take some decent time to work on yourself now.  

Stay out of relationships & the idea of being involved with anyone, until you are recovered from ALL of this and doing better within yourself.

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