It’s been two and a half years since I broke up with my ex and I still haven’t moved on. Looking for advice

[Manonajourney]

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here. If you go through my post history you will see all the events that transpired and led up to this moment. 
 

I’ve tried to restrain myself from coming back after my last post as I realized I kept going in circles and was starting to get a bit annoying and pathetic. Maybe it’s the covid loneliness talking, but after so long I felt I wanted to reach out again for advice. Sorry if this post drags on, I posted a tdlr at the end. 
 

To summarize, my ex and I broke up 2 and a half years ago. I was her first relationship. We were friends for a while before anything happened between us but I knew she had a long standing crush on me. 
 

once we did get involved, we had a bit of a rough start because I initially wasn’t interested in her and had my mind on other woman while being involved with her (before we became official). But eventually, my feelings for her grew and I became committed to her once she became my girlfriend and tried to make amends for making her feel insecure initially.

 From that point onwards I had the happiest relationship of my life, with someone who was also my best friend. 
 

After around a year or so of dating we had to do distance. And long story short she fell for another guy who was a coworker at her summer job and she ended up leaving me for him. It was unbelievable at the time because it felt like there was no warning. Just that one week we were fine and the next I sensed she was different. 
 

It took me so long to get better. This person who I came to believe was my soulmate was gone. Someone who was my best friend before we even dated had hurt me without remorse. 
 

Since then I’ve tried healing. I’ve casually dated some more people, focused on my career and physical well-being and while it helps and my life is on track in many ways, I still feel myself missing her and lonely. 
 

I sat on these feelings for a while until I heard that she had broken up with the guy she had left me for. Apparently it had been a toxic relationship and he hadn’t been such a good person but I don’t know details. I decided to wait and give her some time to process her breakup and didn’t reach out until 4-5 months afterwards. 
 

When I finally did, we caught up for the first time in years. And it was nice but I could tell she was guarded and didn’t want to give me much. A lot was said between us but the most important takeaway was that she admitted that she believes she never really loved me and that she had confused our friendship for being more than what it was and didn’t like the person she was back then. The person who had put up with so much and didn’t respect herself just to win me over. She said that while the guy she left me for wasn’t a good guy and things didn’t end well, that she thinks she experienced real love with him, and never felt like a second choice while with him. 
 

For the record I didn’t ask for this information. She just offered it up. And it hurt. It hurt that I had never fully moved on from who I thought was my soulmate, and in her eyes I was just a mistake from a more naive younger version of herself and wasn’t even real love in her eyes. 
 

While I was hurt, I told her I accepted how she felt but asked if she was still willing to have a new beginning as friends, because that’s what we were before anything and I sincerely mean it when I say I would have learned to be happy with just that. 
 

She admitted that while it was nice to talk to me again and she doesn’t regret our time together, that she didn’t want that, as she feels that it would remind her too much of who she was back then and the mistakes she made.
 

Accepting her answer, I told her to let me know if she ever changed her mind as she was an important person in my life and I’ll always be happy to connect with her again. And that was the last I heard from her.

In a way, while not in the way that I had hoped, I had gotten closure. Her words should have been the final indicator that she had moved on and would never look back and I needed to accept that.
 

Which brings us to today. I’m not happy, but I should be. Things have improved in my life in a lot of areas but it feels meaningless without her. And that’s not right. Especially after over two years. I feel creepy and pathetic with how obsessed I feel. I don’t even bring up my feelings to anyone else anymore because it’s been so long.
 

Maybe because it’s also covid and meeting new people is just not in the cards right now, but even though my ex was clear that she was past me, a part of me wants to cling onto hope? In two years I haven’t met anyone who makes me feel even close to how she made me feel. It’s not a healthy mentality to have I know, but I can’t help but compare other girls and so far no one has come close to just how amazing my ex was. And maybe that’s why I keep coming back to thoughts of her. 
 

finally to the ask of this post. What should I do? I’ve tried to focus and build on myself but even after that my mind still comes back to her. I know it’s not normal after so long to still not be okay but I want to work on changing that. Any advice is appreciated. 

 

tdlr: still not fully over my ex that I broke up with over 2 years ago. I’m worried that I never will be. When we last connected, she told me she doesn’t see us being in each others lives in any capacity in the future and that she never really loved me. I feel pathetic that I’m still thinking so much about her but I’m looking for genuine advice on how to move on. 
 

 

 

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

Moving on comes naturally. Try not to force it. There's no magic recipe but what you can do more of is start to learn to appreciate more of you as a whole person, not a person part of something else. It sounds like you're mourning the partnership or togetherness and seeking that same type of happiness to replicate. This obviously isn't going to happen when you're on your own and that's why you're unhappy. It's a cycle you're setting yourself up for because that togetherness with someone and connection happens organically over time, naturally. 

Give yourself more time to grieve that past relationship. It's not wrong to reminisce or think back. You're too hard on yourself. When you feel comfortable with yourself I think you'll start to find relationships a bit easier. 

 

[SooSad33]

IMO, You built her up way too much, assuming she was your 'soulmate'.  Yet, she wasn't.  You knew her as a friend for a while.. then did not give her a second glance, as you were entertained by other women at that time?

Once you two got involved, she came to feel her crush was just that. Then she had that experience with you- and she figured out, being involved, was not for her... Sadly, this is how it goes and we have to accept.

Yet, you were 'stuck on her'... unable to accept & let go.

1 hour ago, Manonajourney said:

It took me so long to get better. This person who I came to believe was my soulmate was gone. Someone who was my best friend before we even dated had hurt me without remorse. 

If we date those which are 'friends', we cross the lines and things change - which is why is not recomended.  But, it happened.

It 'took you so long' to get better- which was best to just keep moving on.  But, you went back to it again... Rehashing all of those emotions, once again.... not too good 😞 

To 'hurt you without remorse'.. is harsh.  But not always someone's intent.  She did not have the same feelings as you did- but we do not intend to always hurt those we get involved with & feel it is not working - what else are we supposed to do?  Live a lie? (But, in this case, was it maybe just that one day she was there - and days later she was gone?  Yah, that'd hurt).

How did YOU know of their split?  Friends?  Tell them you no longer want to know of her actions.  ( Less we know the better).

As I mentioned- for your own well-being, best to have just kept on moving forward - but you really wanted to reach out, I get it.

And as she told you... re: the freindship you had, and gotten it all mixed up as something more.

1 hour ago, Manonajourney said:

While I was hurt, I told her I accepted how she felt but asked if she was still willing to have a new beginning as friends, because that’s what we were before anything and I sincerely mean it when I say I would have learned to be happy with just that. 

- No, I don't think you would be totally happy.  You just want to keep hanging on - as mentioned, is NOT easy to go backwards 😞 

1 hour ago, Manonajourney said:

even though my ex was clear that she was past me, a part of me wants to cling onto hope? In two years I haven’t met anyone who makes me feel even close to how she made me feel. It’s not a healthy mentality to have I know, but I can’t help but compare other girls and so far no one has come close to just how amazing my ex was.

I understand, sticking with that hope.. BUT you do need to work on getting past all of this.

I highly suggest you stop looking to get involved with others at this time.. why are you doing this?  You know what you are doing - comparing.  Shows you are in no 'good form' for dating again, yet.

Why can you not just back off all of this?  Focus on YOU- work on getting yourself back to good.  YOU need some down time.  Which means NOT getting involved & using women to try & get over this.  It will not work and you should not be doing this to them 😞 ... leading them on.

- How to move on?

Keep working on moving ahead.. keep busy with your mind on other things... hobbies?  Be active, go for walks.. get lost in your music or things you enjoy.. visit with a friend.. Vent in ways of journalling- write it out is another form of 'release'... AND if you still feel you can;t get thru this- seek some prof help... I did therapy for over 2 yrs, working thru my issue's... Is a good way to vent & get help to work thru your thoughts and coping skills, etc.

You can and will get thru it, in time.  Time is what it takes... One day you will feel okay again.  One day you will feel less and less.. and finally feel more yourself again.

Of which point, you can be at a point, you can date again and not compare anyone.

[No1]

Reading thru your past posts and I noticed a few patterns with you but here is the big one. You look for reasons to want to contact her. You make up in your mind a way to justify why you should talk to her. This time it was because she broke up with that guy, one time it was because you wanted to bury the hatchet and another time it was because you wanted to find out why she hated or resented you. Im sure the list is endless but those are what you listed. 

You have asked for advise and gotten advise. You know what you have to do but you refuse to do it. So what else do you want to hear? Are you looking for that one person to say Yes! Reach out to her, maybe just maybe this will be the time she says I miss you, come back to me please? Is that what you want to hear? What makes you think reaching out to her again will make her change her mind? 

You are miserable because you have chosen to re-open wounds that are healing. Thats it, thats your answer. Just imagine, its been over 2.5 years. That is over 900 opportunities to change your course. And 900 times you have chosen to open up the wound over healing. 

So I dont know what it is you want or looking for? She doesnt want you, doesnt want to be with you, she has no intention of having you in her close circle of friends or wants to tell you anything because you are that X boyfriend that cant get over the break up. So how many more times does she have to tell you?

Am I being harsh? Yes.. Do you need to hear that its over? Probably. But there is only one person in this world that is hindering your happiness. Guess who that is.

If you really truly want to get over the break up. Quit making up excuses, quit looking for reasons to keep her in your life because she doesnt want to be in yours. Let her go, bid her a good life in your mind and then you wake up tomorrow and say you are going to make you happy and then you do it and dont look back for her, she is not going to be there. 

[Tanzi]

The biggest obstacle in your healing is YOU.  

You are following her journey, waiting to jump it at the right moment. You need to be on your own journey. 

I do realise that this pandemic has stopped us in our tracks but your wounds will not heal if you keep picking at them. 

You have to cut her out of your life completely and stop making her your focus.

 

EDIT:  Oops, just realised this post is a few weeks old!  Sorry to bump it.  OP, hasn't been back.

 

 

 

[rchubn]

This is an old post but I've been in the same position your ex is in (literally the EXACT situation...to the point where it's creepy) 

 

Here are some things I need to say about the subject: 

 

- I read some of your old posts and I notice that you've posted about her before except your older posts seem a lot more mean spirited. In one of your posts you literally said SHE was the reason you guys broke up. It is rare that a breakup only happens because of ONE persons mistakes. 

- You blindly started a relationship with a girl that you didn't like in the first place and then decided later on she was your "soulmate" not only that but you started the relationship on a rocky foundation. She was a second choice to you. You even admitted it. Whatever she did wrong in the relationship DOESN'T justify her having to KNOW about the fact that she was second choice. How fair is that to her? To attempt to find love and then find out the person you found saw you as the second choice. Any normal person would feel insecure having to sit around with that knowledge. 

- If you knew you didn't want her in the beginning, you had no right to lead her on like that. You shouldve waited until you were healed from the previous girl before you started a new relationship. Now you're obsessing over HER and you'll probably dragged that baggage and dump it on another girl. Stop dating if you're not healed! 

- I would apologize to her again. Message her (not because I think you guys can get back together) I think you should do it to give yourself closure so you can move on. You need to see the situation realistically. You need to see for yourself that the feelings have changed and that the relationship and feelings are over. It is likely that she's moved on already and that her feelings towards you are gone. You need to see for yourself that this relationship has died and that you no longer have access to that aspect of her life. 

- She may be your soul mate but you're definitely not hers. It seems one sided at this point. Her soul mate would be someone who regrets the breakup instantly --- it took you two years to determine her worth to you... two years for you to decide you wanted her. 

Lastly....use this as a lesson about self awareness and honesty. You could've dodged this entire situation if you would've been honest with your emotions. How hard would it of been if you just warned her about your mixed feelings in the beginning? You guys could've remained friends until you heal from the other girl and you could've entered the relationship healed with your eyes only on her...instead you chose to hang onto both relationships and ended up with zero relationships. Don't be hard on yourself but remember this situation for next time. Luckily she moved on with her life and has higher expectations but you couldve saved you guys both from a lot of pain and confusion if you were honest 

 

 

 

[rchubn]

Adding on...I feel sad for you because you genuinely seem like you regret the breakup and it does seem like you guys had something special but sometimes you need to lose a good thing in order to grow. 

The idea that you entered a relationship uncertain and unable to verbalize how you feel is extremely problematic. You should never have the "go with the flow" attitude when it comes to personal relationships. You can't be indifferent when making relationship decisions, you cant be passive with your emotions... What if you askes her out but then never developed legitimate feelings for her? What if you were in this relationship with a woman you didn't even want to be with in the first place and you guys somehow end up married because of your passive nature when it comes to your REAL feelings? This could've ended soo much worse for you and her. 

 

[rchubn]

You're also have this romanticized version of reality. It seems like you think of you express this to her she will immediately fall at your feet and you two will run off into the sunset together. 

If you decide to contact her again you should be mature, go in with zero expectations and give her a real apology. I woildnt even mention the break up or the fact that you still have feelings for her. I would just give her a solid apology to show her that you've grown and that you're remorseful. 

If you never apologize you'll never get to repair that friendship. Shes probably grown as a person and has higher expectations about how she should be treated and probably doesn't have happy thoughts about you. You gotta show her you've grown. 

Don't pressure her to hang out or anything crazy. She's probably blowing you off because you're triggering to her. When relationships/friendships get damaged you need to do the work and rebuild them expressing regret does not instantly restore feelings and heal hurt. There's work