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Affair with an older man


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 this man has me trapped, he controls everything I do. I can’t even go out drinking with friends etc. He wouldn’t talk to me if I did, and he would call me all the names under the sun. We have a large age gap. 20 years. I’m just really struggling on what to do, and how to get out of this situation. It doesn’t help that we both work together. I’m really just looking for some advice and some comfort, to know everything will work out. 

- Sorry cannot give you comfort that this will work out.

He's a nasty, controlling loser 😞 ... BUT you are caught up in his ways... I feel for you.

He wouldn't talk to you, if you go out w/ your friends?  Oh well.

His control.. his insults.. nasty!

What YOU need to do, is get out of this web.  And get your inner strength back!  Get it together- and get rid of him.

Can you not find a job elsewhere?  A way to rid of him and to also NO longer deal with him.. Do not respond to him, no contact..nothing!

You CAN do this.. and you will feel so much better, to be free of him and be around people who are nicer than this!

 

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1 hour ago, Echojuliet said:

I have no doubt about that. He tells me otherwise, he is not involved with her sexually in anyway. I just hope that one day, he sticks to his word and does leave. Our age difference is why I want to leave, or should leave. I’m in my early 20’s. Very early 20’s. He’s in his 40’s. 

And I'm the Queen of England!  Of course he will tell you he's not having sex with his wife, and you believe it because you want to believe it.  He's so full of it I bet his eyes are brown.

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3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 this man has me trapped, he controls everything I do. I can’t even go out drinking with friends etc. He wouldn’t talk to me if I did, and he would call me all the names under the sun. We have a large age gap. 20 years. I’m just really struggling on what to do, and how to get out of this situation. It doesn’t help that we both work together. I’m really just looking for some advice and some comfort, to know everything will work out. 

- Sorry cannot give you comfort that this will work out.

He's a nasty, controlling loser 😞 ... BUT you are caught up in his ways... I feel for you.

He wouldn't talk to you, if you go out w/ your friends?  Oh well.

His control.. his insults.. nasty!

What YOU need to do, is get out of this web.  And get your inner strength back!  Get it together- and get rid of him.

Can you not find a job elsewhere?  A way to rid of him and to also NO longer deal with him.. Do not respond to him, no contact..nothing!

You CAN do this.. and you will feel so much better, to be free of him and be around people who are nicer than this!

 

Thank you so much. I really appreciated the honesty. You understand I’m in this situation and I’m trying to get out. 
You are so right, I need to get it together. I need to sort it out. 
 

 

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1 minute ago, Echojuliet said:

Thank you so much. I really appreciated the honesty. You understand I’m in this situation and I’m trying to get out. 
You are so right, I need to get it together. I need to sort it out. 

I know you feel stuck 😞  .. He is a messed up, negative man - who is releasing his ugliness onto YOU.  Pathetic behaviour.

You do NOT deserve this.

And what ticks me off, is your ages.  YOU are a younger, vulnerable woman, who's being mistreated.

Are you able to get a job elsewhere?  is best in a situation like this - and do not date people where you work 😉 

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Just now, SooSad33 said:

I know you feel stuck 😞  .. He is a messed up, negative man - who is releasing his ugliness onto YOU.  Pathetic behaviour.

You do NOT deserve this.

And what ticks me off, is your ages.  YOU are a younger, vulnerable woman, who's being mistreated.

Are you able to get a job elsewhere?  is best in a situation like this - and do not date people where you work 😉 

 

I really do. Especially in the current world. Finding a new job isn’t easy, I’m in the UK and have a really well paid job and one that’s guaranteed too. 
 

The hardest part, is I know it’s all wrong. I know what he’s doing is wrong. 😞 I always wondered why people would ever stay with someone who doesn’t treat them how they really should be treated... but now I get it. I really do. 
 

I have definitely learnt my lesson. Never to date someone in the same job. Ever. 
 

 

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Yup, sometimes we need to be in that situation & the experience to 'learn' of what we do or do not deserve.

You need none of this!

How about a diff position at your workplace?  No where near him?

As for HIM?  Completely avoid.  Give him no attention.. he does not deserve it!

You have every right to be around your friends!  And no stupid insults!

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8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yup, sometimes we need to be in that situation & the experience to 'learn' of what we do or do not deserve.

You need none of this!

How about a diff position at your workplace?  No where near him?

As for HIM?  Completely avoid.  Give him no attention.. he does not deserve it!

You have every right to be around your friends!  And no stupid insults!

I’ve tried a different area of the business... it’s not easy to be moved without having a valid excuse. 
 

I really do thank you for talking with me about it. I just needed to get it off my chest and have some sense knocked into me. 
 

Thank you.x

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45 minutes ago, Echojuliet said:

Thank you. It’s reassuring knowing there are others who have been in the same situation. 

I'm kind of sad you find my friends' stories reassuring.  They both ended up getting dumped and one of them is a struggling single mother whose child will never know their father. They regret their affairs (although my friend doesn't "regret" having her child, just the circumstances).

I would challenge you to think about what you want your future to look like, and also to think about what your ideal relationship would look like.  Did you always want to be the secret mistress of a married man? Or do you want a husband and family of your own?

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His excuses for not leaving his wife are so classic, you might think they could come up with new ones by now.

There's no future with this guy, but I think you already know this.  It's time to walk away, and move forward. Keep in mind that falling on your face is still moving forward.

If you're serious about leaving, you'll find a way, if not, you'll find an excuse.

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18 minutes ago, Echojuliet said:

I’ve tried a different area of the business... it’s not easy to be moved without having a valid excuse. 
 

I really do thank you for talking with me about it. I just needed to get it off my chest and have some sense knocked into me. 

No prob.  Good luck  :) 

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You are not a victim and have allowed all of this.  

Of course he still has sex with his wife.  Don't know what you get out of this.

If you did judge yourself you would never have gotten involved with a married man.  This is a lack of character issue!

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2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You are not a victim and have allowed all of this.  

Of course he still has sex with his wife.  Don't know what you get out of this.

If you did judge yourself you would never have gotten involved with a married man.  This is a lack of character issue!

I have asked to please not be judged for this. You don’t know my full situation. I’ve asked quite simply for advice. 
 

There is no need to try and make me feel guilty for a situation that I know is wrong. 
 

I just needed somewhere to get everything off my chest. 

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3 minutes ago, Echojuliet said:

I just needed somewhere to get everything off my chest. 

You need to contact a therapist for that . Your friends don't want to hear it anymore and you can't tell anyone else, no?

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to contact a therapist for that . Your friends don't want to hear it anymore and you can't tell anyone else, no?

There is no one else to speak to. A therapist will be the one for me to discuss things with. 
I can’t blame my friends for not wanting to hear it anymore. 

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4 hours ago, Echojuliet said:

I feel so lost and hurt, everyday I feel more and more down about the situation.  But this man has me trapped, he controls everything I do. I can’t even go out drinking with friends etc. he would call me all the names under the sun.

OP, what exactly do you find so appealing about this behaviour and this treatment?? What exactly is so amazingly awesome about man which makes you think he's wonderful enough to actually want in your life?   Sincere questions.

I can't imagine that you thrive on being abused.

Also, the truth of the matter is you are not trapped in any way shape or form.  YOU have the power to walk away from this mess, but truth is you really don't want to.  

Perhaps time to seek professional counselling/therapy to help you figure out your very low self-esteem issues.

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4 hours ago, Echojuliet said:

I have no doubt about that. He tells me otherwise, he is not involved with her sexually in anyway.  

You wrote the same sentence moments before, that he was not sexual with his wife, but added * at least I hope so.  

Unless she's here to confirm this fact, you have no reason to believe him.

Remember, he is a liar, living a lie.  Liars don't make exceptions.  They either lie or they don't.

Edited by reinventmyself
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2 hours ago, Echojuliet said:

I always wondered why people would ever stay with someone who doesn’t treat them how they really should be treated... but now I get it. I really do. 
 
 

 

I'm in my 50s and with my decades of experience I never got it.  What is so appealing about someone treating you poorly?  I always found it a turn off.

There's no way this guy is going to leave his wife.  Why would he?  He's got his piece on the side, and he gets to make a home and raise a family with the woman he loves.

I echo the "get some counseling to deal with your self-esteem issues" comments.

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What do you get out of this?  He doesn't even treat you will.  You will always be a sidepiece to this guy.  Also, have you considered how destructive and cruel the affair is to his family?   I guess not, as you have continued.  

Think about how you would feel if someone did this to you!

Edited by Hollyj
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Think of it this way: You are saving his marriage!  I know lots of people who cheat and basically the cheating relationship is maintaining the marriage.  

If you actually think he will leave his wife for you set a hard deadline. Give him a month.  If he doesn’t leave, then leave him.  DO NOT WASTE YOUR 20s on a loser.

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12 hours ago, Echojuliet said:

There is no one else to speak to. A therapist will be the one for me to discuss things with. 
I can’t blame my friends for not wanting to hear it anymore. 

Exactly. You position yourself as a helpless "trapped"  victim and complain about this guy and yet you defend him, stay with him and refuse to end it.

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