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Affair with an older man


Echojuliet
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I’m not really sure how or what to do. I feel so lost and hurt, everyday I feel more and more down about the situation. I’ve been seeing a married man for over 2 years now... (please do not judge me on this. I judge myself enough). He’s promised me that one day we will have a future together, but at the moment I’m a hidden secret. I know he’s not sexual with his wife in anyway. I do know this. At least I like to think so. But this man has me trapped, he controls everything I do. I can’t even go out drinking with friends etc. He wouldn’t talk to me if I did, and he would call me all the names under the sun. We have a large age gap. 20 years. I’m just really struggling on what to do, and how to get out of this situation. It doesn’t help that we both work together. I’m really just looking for some advice and some comfort, to know everything will work out. 

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5 minutes ago, Echojuliet said:

I’ve been seeing a married man for over 2 years now... 

I’m a hidden secret. 

he would call me all the names under the sun. 

Does he support you?  How are you "trapped"? Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. 

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he support you?  How are you "trapped"? Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. 

I’m not supported in any way. He gifts me, but I gift him. He has younger children, he tells me when they are older he will leave his wife. They seem to be “co-parenting” at the moment. But she still sees him as her husband. I’ve fallen in love with him, he gives me abuse if I try to leave and will make me jealous. He always does. We work together, it makes it harder to leave. I know it’s wrong, I feel I have no other option but to stay and wait for him. 

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Just now, Seraphim said:

You have every option. He isn’t going to leave his wife . I guarantee it. 

I have no doubt about that. He tells me otherwise, he is not involved with her sexually in anyway. I just hope that one day, he sticks to his word and does leave. Our age difference is why I want to leave, or should leave. I’m in my early 20’s. Very early 20’s. He’s in his 40’s. 

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2 minutes ago, Echojuliet said:

I have no doubt about that. He tells me otherwise, he is not involved with her sexually in anyway. I just hope that one day, he sticks to his word and does leave. Our age difference is why I want to leave, or should leave. I’m in my early 20’s. Very early 20’s. He’s in his 40’s. 

Don’t kid yourself. He is having sex with her. Are you going to wait 20 years for his kids to grow up? Don’t waste your life on this excuse of a man. 

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Oof. He abuses you and it's a hidden relationship. This means that while he INvalidates you and hurts you, you still validate this relationship. It won't work happily. You're hurting yourself more by staying and accepting this relationship in your life.

I’m very hidden, I have been for the whole time. Over 2 years. Only his friend knows about me... his friend is newly divorced so he feels he can talk to him. My bestfriend knows, but doesn’t want me to talk about it. She doesn’t approve, (quite rightly)... but this makes me feel limited on who I can speak to.  I know I need to leave and I know it’s not fair on me, I just need to be strong enough to do it.

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1 minute ago, Echojuliet said:

Over 2 years. My bestfriend knows, but doesn’t want me to talk about it. She doesn’t approve

Tell your parents and other trusted adults about the abuse. Also report him at work. Your friend is tired of hearing you complain but do nothing about it. Why do you do that? The age is not the problem. the problem is he's married and abuses you and you refuse to do anything about it.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Tell your parents and other trusted adults about the abuse. Also report him at work. Your friend is tired of hearing you complain but do nothing about it. Why do you do that? The age is not the problem. the problem is he's married and abuses you and you refuse to do anything about it.

My parents found out. They wanted to immediately stop it with him, and as far as they know I have. It’s hidden from everyone else now. He’s living the best of both worlds. No one knows inside of work, I wouldn’t want to wish him an misery. I just need to leave. I need to be strong enough to.

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8 minutes ago, Echojuliet said:

My parents found out. They wanted to immediately stop it with him, and as far as they know I have. It’s hidden from everyone else now. He’s living the best of both worlds. No one knows inside of work, I wouldn’t want to wish him an misery. I just need to leave. I need to be strong enough to.

Have you considered leaving your current job? You have to remove yourself from the situation and cut contact with him. Remember he needs you more than you need him. He’s abusive because he feels like he can be without consequences. Give him consequences for his actions. 
 

You already know this, but he’s married. I’m sure you can find a nice single guy out there. Good luck! 

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You know, love is not a be all and end all. It is one element of a relationship. I know people who have had long, healthy marriages that did not start out with love and eventual grew into it. I know people who were madly in love and their relationships failed because they did not have the other elements needed for a successful relationship. You do not have to stay and wait for him simply because you think you love him -- you are not powerless and you do not have to be self abusing. You can recognize that this relationship will never, ever work, that he is making you miserable and that you are choosing to stick around for what you think is love. 

 

I guarantee, if you leave and get some therapy to figure out why you would put yourself in this unbelievably unhealthy situation you will find a much better, much healthier relationship and you will be astounded at your earlier bad decisions. 

 

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He is absolutely having sex with his wife.

He will NEVER leave his wife. 

Or if he does he will also leave you because he won't need you anymore.

You are damaging yourself, his wife and his innocent children.

If you don't leave this affair you will continue to damage yourself, his wife and his innocent children.

Start applying for jobs, then leave the job and him behind.

There is no happy ending.

Let me tell you what happened to my friend...she too had an affair with a married man who said he had to wait to leave his wife until the kids were grown.  Well, after he left his wife he also dumped my friend because he said her willingness to engage in an affair proved she was not "new wife" material.  He started dating someone "appropriate" soon after.  She was left standing alone.  Same with my other friend who had an affair (and a child resulted)...the married man left her and ignores the child and provides zero financial support.

Again, there is no happy ending here.  Please get out now.

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Cheating married men are liars. They lie to control their affair/situation. He is not going to leave his wife, they never really do. You don't have to obey him he doesn't own you. The only reason he won't let you do anything is because he is projecting...since he cheats, he figure everyone else including you, is a cheat/cheater. You need to quit him, he's a bad habit.

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17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He is absolutely having sex with his wife.

He will NEVER leave his wife. 

Or if he does he will also leave you because he won't need you anymore.

You are damaging yourself, his wife and his innocent children.

If you don't leave this affair you will continue to damage yourself, his wife and his innocent children.

Start applying for jobs, then leave the job and him behind.

There is no happy ending.

Let me tell you what happened to my friend...she too had an affair with a married man who said he had to wait to leave his wife until the kids were grown.  Well, after he left his wife he also dumped my friend because he said her willingness to engage in an affair proved she was not "new wife" material.  He started dating someone "appropriate" soon after.  She was left standing alone.  Same with my other friend who had an affair (and a child resulted)...the married man left her and ignores the child and provides zero financial support.

Again, there is no happy ending here.  Please get out now.

Thank you. It’s reassuring knowing there are others who have been in the same situation. 

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7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Cheating married men are liars. They lie to control their affair/situation. He is not going to leave his wife, they never really do. You don't have to obey him he doesn't own you. The only reason he won't let you do anything is because he is projecting...since he cheats, he figure everyone else including you, is a cheat/cheater. You need to quit him, he's a bad habit.

I just need to build the confidence to do just that. I know he’s a bad habit, and hearing it from others, like yourself makes me see that even more. 
Thank you.

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57 minutes ago, arjumand said:

You know, love is not a be all and end all. It is one element of a relationship. I know people who have had long, healthy marriages that did not start out with love and eventual grew into it. I know people who were madly in love and their relationships failed because they did not have the other elements needed for a successful relationship. You do not have to stay and wait for him simply because you think you love him -- you are not powerless and you do not have to be self abusing. You can recognize that this relationship will never, ever work, that he is making you miserable and that you are choosing to stick around for what you think is love. 

 

I guarantee, if you leave and get some therapy to figure out why you would put yourself in this unbelievably unhealthy situation you will find a much better, much healthier relationship and you will be astounded at your earlier bad decisions. 

 

I really do thank you for being so understanding and honest. I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I’m in that situation now. Reading everything that’s been said, is giving me the strength to do something about the situation. I probably will need some sort of therapy to get myself past this. I’ve needed to talk and discuss things and it’s really, truly helped. 

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9 minutes ago, Echojuliet said:

I just need to build the confidence to do just that. I know he’s a bad habit, and hearing it from others, like yourself makes me see that even more. 
Thank you.

Guys like him are predators. They specifically choose a girl like yourself, that has low confidence, low self esteem/or very little self worth.

Stop answering your phone. Block/delete his number to start. Dump all your social media, tell your friend what you are doing, so if anything does happen, someone knows. ignoring him, is just that easy. If he hunts you down, turn that phone on and video the interaction.

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2 hours ago, Echojuliet said:

I’m not supported in any way. He gifts me, but I gift him. He has younger children, he tells me when they are older he will leave his wife. They seem to be “co-parenting” at the moment. But she still sees him as her husband. I’ve fallen in love with him, he gives me abuse if I try to leave and will make me jealous. He always does. We work together, it makes it harder to leave. I know it’s wrong, I feel I have no other option but to stay and wait for him. 

Boy are you wasting your life.  A married man, with kids, he's full of sh1t and you are falling for it.  If he wanted you he'd have left his wife ages ago.  He's having his cake and eating it too, at your expense.

Surely you know you need to get away from this pitiful losing situation.  Find a new job even if it pays less, change your phone number, block and delete him on social media.  You do NOT and should NOT keep doing this, you are totally wasting your time.

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