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Trying to Move On


kevinyates

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Hello all. This is a follow-up to my post below:

I was dating a lovely woman for two months starting in October 2020. We had matched on dating apps throughout 2020 a few times and followed each other on Instagram but when I messaged her early on in 2020 on a dating app to get together, I got no response. Fast forward to October and I post an Instagram story and she responds to it and says let's go out for drinks. After a few days, I respond and say sure let's do it. Anyways, we end up dating up until mid-December, at which point she sends me a breakup text saying:

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I need to rip this bandaid off and I'm really sorry to do it via text. My personal + professional life is really in shambles lately and I am realizing I'm not really in a place to date, navigate those feelings, etc. especially not even knowing how much longer I'll be living here. I have loved hanging out with you and getting to know you, but I'm in a major funk. I feel like I'm just not in a place to give you the attention and fun time you deserve. I know this is a major cliche, but I would love if we were able to reman friends and see each other around, but I totally understand if you'd rather tell me to kick rocks. I think you're great and I never intended to waste your time.

Looking back, she seemed a bit hesitant to become intimate, but I was also very patient and moved things slow with her. We only had sex once, which she initiated, and she ended up stopping after a bit of time because she said it hurt. I know she had been cheated on in her last relationship so I think she's a bit hesitant to open up and I was fine with that. I was not planning on rushing anything with her.

Since the breakup, I've been devastated and thinking a lot about her but I've also been doing my best to move on. I've gone on 5+ dates with different women but nothing has clicked yet. I unfollowed my ex on Instagram shortly after the breakup and have done my best to move on and forget about her, aside from a few things...

Roughly one month after she broke up with me, I had the urge to send her flowers (was having a "life is too short" moment). I sent a simple arrangement to her apartment, and she sent me a message, "Thank you so much for the flowers *flower emoji* *heart emoji* you're too sweet". I told her I cared about and missed her (and her dog) and she responded that they missed me too and said we should meet up after that weekend which was the weekend her mom was in town. I said I'd like that and left it at that. She sent me a message a few days later that was a picture of herself out to dinner with her mom and said she was at our first date spot (and that her mom didn't support her tequila habit lol). We sent a few messages back and forth to each other but that was about it.

I haven't suggested that we meet up and basically have the ball in her court (but we haven't set anything up). A few weeks ago she added me on Snapchat and sends me snapchats every once in a while. I know she's busy with her job (she's a reporter and works irregular hours). I have been going on dates with other women on a weekly basis and will continue to do so until something clicks. I just can't help myself but think about my ex and the special connection I had with her. Part of me thinks her breakup explanation was truthful and that it was bad timing and the other part of me thinks it was just an easy way to let me down and that she wasn't interested (although I know she struggles a bit with anxiety and maybe even depression). I should also add, about a month after the breakup I see her profile is updated on a dating app, so there's that.

I'm getting older and am hoping to find a meaningful connection that gets me excited and I'll continually try to seek that out, but I can't help but think of her and how much I liked her (which is rare for me). I rarely fall for someone, but I did for her.

Any advice is appreciated.

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14 minutes ago, kevinyates said:

I sent a simple arrangement to her apartment, and she sent me a message, "Thank you so much for the flowers *flower emoji* *heart emoji* you're too sweet".

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you are pushing her away by suffocating her and coming on way too strong.

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Well the thing is that I'm just not sure that when people break up with someone, it's just bad timing or whatever. If someone really likes you/loves you they won't want to let you go. After two months if your ex felt really strongly about you then she wouldn't have ended it. People don't want to lose someone they feel sure about. Even now after you sent the flowers, she still hasn't caught up with you or wanted to rekindle anything. I don't think she's confused or anything but she's just not really feeling it. I know it's not the answer you want. In fact people advised you even not to send the flowers. You sent them but you still didn't get the result you wanted. The reason why people advised you not to send them was because giving someone a gift can't actually  change their feelings. I think it's definitely a good idea to date other women. It's not going to just click with every woman, but eventually it will.

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You're right, if she were truly interested she would have followed up and asked to set up a time to see each other instead of just saying let's meet up. I was a bit surprised she sent me a pic of her and said it was at our first date spot, but I'm not going to reach out to her again I'm going to focus on myself and try my best to forget about her.

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3 hours ago, kevinyates said:

she responded that they missed me too and said we should meet up after that weekend which was the weekend her mom was in town. I said I'd like that and left it at that.

- Only as 'friends' right? (as she stated at one time).

 

3 hours ago, kevinyates said:

I'm getting older and am hoping to find a meaningful connection that gets me excited and I'll continually try to seek that out, but I can't help but think of her and how much I liked her

IMO, is not a good idea to be out there 'searching' for some spark- when you are still so lost in her.. 😞 

Say some gal does take a liking to you.. BUT, nope, can't do it,, I am still stuck on my EX..?

How about YOU tone things down a while and figure yourself out.

You have not let go of her.. you are still 'trying' to interact somehow.  So, honestly, you have nothing to give to anyone else should they show any interest.  And I feel you DO need some down time - to just work on getting over her.  You're not there yet.

As for what SHE is doing has nothing to do with you now.. whether she's still on a dating site... none of your concern.  you two are NOT involved.

Seems this gal whom you were involved with a 'short term', caused an effect on you, but she told you, it wasn't happening.. Now, YOU need to accept that!  But, you can't if you keep trying.. messages.. flowers etc...

You NEED to back off.. and let go- totally.  Is the only way you can 'move on'.. accept & heal from this.

AND, in order to work on moving on to someone else.

Time... takes time.. but is what you have do to... and please do NOT keep going on dates & wasting time - leading other women on!

Down time.  do it.

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You are right that I am not over her but I think I'm doing a better job than I'm letting on. I have not sent her any messages other than just the flowers. Only other messages were responses to her. I need to move on -- I realize this -- and am going to focus intently on doing so.

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You're better off not communicating as often and stop seeing her. This isn't working out. Give yourself some time to adjust and realize that it's not going to work. She's letting you down easy and not interested in dating you, personal reasons or not. Please take it for what it is, don't get too discouraged if you can. 

I strongly discourage meeting new people if you're still grieving or missing someone this deeply. All you're doing is layering disappointment over disappointment. Instead of trying so hard to fill this void, why not take a time out and learn to be strong and self-sufficient (less needy or dependent) on finding the right person? 

Take time to spend with friends, cultivate new interests outside of dating. Nourish you - all of you (mind, body, spirit). Hope you feel better soon. 💛

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47 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

- Only as 'friends' right? (as she stated at one time).

 

IMO, is not a good idea to be out there 'searching' for some spark- when you are still so lost in her.. 😞 

Say some gal does take a liking to you.. BUT, nope, can't do it,, I am still stuck on my EX..?

How about YOU tone things down a while and figure yourself out.

You have not let go of her.. you are still 'trying' to interact somehow.  So, honestly, you have nothing to give to anyone else should they show any interest.  And I feel you DO need some down time - to just work on getting over her.  You're not there yet.

As for what SHE is doing has nothing to do with you now.. whether she's still on a dating site... none of your concern.  you two are NOT involved.

Seems this gal whom you were involved with a 'short term', caused an effect on you, but she told you, it wasn't happening.. Now, YOU need to accept that!  But, you can't if you keep trying.. messages.. flowers etc...

You NEED to back off.. and let go- totally.  Is the only way you can 'move on'.. accept & heal from this.

AND, in order to work on moving on to someone else.

Time... takes time.. but is what you have do to... and please do NOT keep going on dates & wasting time - leading other women on!

Down time.  do it.

Just to elaborate on this, as I wholeheartedly agree. I'm currently going through a breakup (about 2 weeks out of it now), and apart from having to communicate regarding some money that's owed, my ex and I have not communicated at all about our emotions/feelings or anything to do with the breakup. It's allowed me to move forward over these past few weeks (which have still been difficult), but I know I would only be hurting myself if I was trying to communicate. 

Don't get me wrong, every now and then, I feel the urge to say something to him, but I stop myself every time because I know it won't do me any good, and it's likely he'll just reject again or get gradually more annoyed. I'm so thankful to myself that I haven't communicated with him on any emotional level, even if it's just to check in and ask how he is. It sucks, but I'm doing better as each day goes by, and just from chatting with others about it on this forum. 

There are also lots of Youtube videos that have helped me, whether it's about grieving after a breakup, or understanding the best way for me to behave in order to heal within myself. Lots of these relationship coaches differ, but one thing almost all recommend is that you completely cease contact. You end up healing yourself by doing so. I'm taking each day at a time, and again, I'm just so thankful to myself that I haven't said anything, as it really just puts you back to square one and you're suffering all over again. You'll get through this 🙂 

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44 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You're better off not communicating as often and stop seeing her. This isn't working out. Give yourself some time to adjust and realize that it's not going to work. She's letting you down easy and not interested in dating you, personal reasons or not. Please take it for what it is, don't get too discouraged if you can. 

I strongly discourage meeting new people if you're still grieving or missing someone this deeply. All you're doing is layering disappointment over disappointment. Instead of trying so hard to fill this void, why not take a time out and learn to be strong and self-sufficient (less needy or dependent) on finding the right person? 

Take time to spend with friends, cultivate new interests outside of dating. Nourish you - all of you (mind, body, spirit). Hope you feel better soon. 💛

You're right, she was essentially lying to me and letting me down easily with the whole "I'm in a personal funk" breakup message. I think I clung to the hope that it was just bad timing but you're probably right in that it was a lie and that she's not interested at all.

I'm actually not a clingy person, and I was't with her believe it or not. I usually don't realize what I have until it's gone, and that's when I start to get anxious. Never with her did I act clingy. 

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I wouldn't go down that route.. I didn't say that she was lying. She has been honest with you that dating isn't something she's interested in. I'd take it at face value. Try not to over-read into what she's saying because the bottomline is that she doesn't want to date. It's good to remain respectful of those wishes and keep taking care of yourself. 

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44 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I wouldn't go down that route.. I didn't say that she was lying. She has been honest with you that dating isn't something she's interested in. I'd take it at face value. Try not to over-read into what she's saying because the bottomline is that she doesn't want to date. It's good to remain respectful of those wishes and keep taking care of yourself. 

Okay, it's just that for next time I'm always looking to improve so I wasn't sure if it was something I did or if she legitimately isn't emotionally available to date right now.

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That's very hard. It's natural to wonder but don't let yourself get trapped wondering about answers you have no way of confirming. It's not your trouble anymore what the real truth is or what she really meant. The only thing that concerns you is that this is a dead end and she's not interested in pursuing this. Give yourself time to recover and feel more like yourself. Try to go back to your regular routines or find again things that interest you. 

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If you believe you're worthy of finding a healthy and reciprocal love, it'll happen on its own. If you don't believe you're worthy of it it likely won't happen as you won't be attracting the right people. Give it time. Leave room for other adventures. If you're so determined to live one way and one way only how will you appreciate other opportunities that come by? 

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3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If you believe you're worthy of finding a healthy and reciprocal love, it'll happen on its own. If you don't believe you're worthy of it it likely won't happen as you won't be attracting the right people. Give it time. Leave room for other adventures. If you're so determined to live one way and one way only how will you appreciate other opportunities that come by? 

Thank you, I appreciate the advice. What do you mean by only living one way though? I'm not entirely sure what that means in the context of my situation.

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I meant it loosely. We all have some idea of how we want to live. It's good to be open to other opportunities too. I think for you the best course right now would be to give yourself time to heal and recoup, feel more like yourself and less like you need to find someone to feel complete again or feel the same way as you did with your ex. Whatever feels most healthy and like you need more of, do. 

When one door closes... you know the saying. 😊

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