How can I learn to accept her past?

[timbertops]

How do I get over my girlfriends past?

 

My now ex and I were together for less than a year. During this time our relationship was wonderful, she made me happy - we were happy together. I found out 10 years ago she had sex a few times with a close friend of mine, she did not know we were friends. In the past that would have been a deal breaker for me. It hurt me to know she did this but I moved past it & despite that I wanted to marry her and start a family together. That was our plan for 2021. She has a young child and is the sole parent, for me a single mother was always a deal breaker but with her she changed my mind, I fell in love with her child and consider her as my own. This woman is an amazing mother and woman, my parents adore them both. She treated me well and made me the happiest I’ve been in the longest time.

I found out through a family member just before we broke up that she had a short stint at being an escort in her early 20’s which she has since left behind. We are both in our early 30’s now. At first I was disgusted, revolted by this information, i could not stand to look at her. I asked her and she denied it out of shame, up until this point she had never lied to me and I know she was faithful during our relationship. Eventually she admitted that she used to be one and I know she was genuinely sorry for lying to me. 

I could not believe the woman I was in love with would get paid for having sex. 

I was horrible to her, I said some really disgusting things out of anger which I now regret. I never wanted to be that way towards her.

She wrote me a long letter explaining why she went down that road and how sorry she was for being dishonest. Being sexually abused was a key factor to her poor choice in life. Although I understood it was hard for me to look at her so I ended the relationship.I still loved this woman and it hurt me to walk away from her and her daughter and the life we had planned together. 

 

Fast-forward to a week later we have reconnected and I’ve tried to look past her past. I know she didn’t do anything wrong by me, I know her past doesn’t define her it’s just hard for me to accept and move forward. 

She has been bending over backwards to try fix us by booking in a relationship counsellor and purchasing a self help book for me.

I want to salvage the relationship but I don’t know how to get over her past. I don’t want to be ashamed of the person I am with and I’m afraid we may run into clients of hers even though she didn’t work in our home city. I am afraid of more skeletons coming out of her closet. She has never judged me despite knowing in the past i have paid for sex. I know she will never go back to that old life she has moved on.

My family and friends want us to get back together, they know how happy she made me but it’s just hard. 

All she ever tried to do was love me but I would push that away, I don’t believe I am worthy of love and that is due to my guilt for the passing of a close family member. It is easier to be alone then to risk being hurt. In our relationship I needed constant reassurance from her in our relationship. 

She informed me that she is 4 weeks pregnant with my baby. I know if I found out she was pregnant before I found out she was an escort we would still be together and I would be happy. I have told her we can try work through this hurdle(me getting over her past meaning I’ll have to accept it and live with it and not use it as a way to be spiteful)

Alternatively if I cannot get past her past I have suggested she have an abortion(something she does not want to do) I know if I do make her go through the termination I will regret it because it would mean we could never be together and I would lose the chance at having a family with her.

For me the relationship has changed I still love her but I feel we are emotionally distant due to her past.

 

I don’t know what to do, how do I learn to accept her past and move forward. 

Any tips to get past this? 

Time is ticking

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, timbertops said:

I found out 10 years ago she had sex a few times with a close friend of mine, she did not know we were friends.

1 hour ago, timbertops said:

she had a short stint at being an escort in her early 20’s which she has since left behind..... up until this point she had never lied to me and I know she was faithful during our relationship.

It sounds like you are very insecure about sex. Why does it mean so much to you?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, timbertops said:

  in the past i have paid for sex. 

Leave her alone. Find someone who accepts that you went to escorts.

Your friends and family should not be this involved in your dating life.

 

[dias]

1 hour ago, timbertops said:

She has never judged me despite knowing in the past i have paid for sex.

Hahaha you see the irony here, right? She is the one who could do better. 

[Tinydance]

Wait a minute...So you have actually gone to escorts yourself but you have a huge problem with your girlfriend being one like ten years ago when she was pretty young? Also you wrote: "If I can't accept it I'll ask her to have an abortion". I'm sorry, what? If you or her don't want a baby then yes of course abortion is an option. But saying she needs to have an abortion because you don't accept her past! If that's the only reason think about what you're saying. This is a human being, why should this life be terminated just because you have some hypocritical beliefs. You seriously have very little leg to stand on if you used escorts in the past yourself. You have no right to judge your girlfriend at all. Also you loved her before you found out. She's literally still the same person. You said you're ashamed of her but are you ashamed of yourself? You feel fine about yourself having gone to escorts. You're a huge hypocrite. Also, she slept with your friend TEN YEARS AGO when she didn't even know you and didn't know it was your friend. Are you actually deliberately looking for reasons not to be with this woman? I think she can do better than you to be honest.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, dias said:

Hahaha you see the irony here, right? She is the one who could do better. 

Yep

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, timbertops said:

I know if I do make her go through the termination

Excuse me. "MAKE" her have a pregnancy termination??

And you are hypocritically judging her for being an escort in the past despite the fact that you yourself utilized paid sex workers?

Please do not continue this relationship.  Discuss what the plan is for the pregnancy (no, you do not get to "make" her terminate the pregnancy!) and if she chooses to have the child, plan to help with doctor and delivery expenses and pay child support.  After all, if you didn't want a child you could have worn condoms and asked her to use some form of birth control.

[Seraphim]

I would have left you long long time ago. You can pay for sex but she can’t sell it?????? And you want to MAKE her have an abortion. OHHH HELLA NO. Double standard much ? Yup, buh bye. 

[Seraphim]

You don’t keep this relationship you are cruel. Really save her and let her go and pay for your kid and learn some things as you grow up. 

[Lambert]

You come across highly judgmental and think you are on the morale high ground. 

But you're not.

The first step to anything, whether it involves her or not is to humble yourself. IMO the payor is worse than the prostitute. Many times the prostitute is already a victim of circumstances. The payor is choosing to benefit from that disadvantage and further use the prostitute.

Morally speaking, you do not have the right regardless of your culture or country's norms and laws, to force an abortion on her.  

You do owe it to your child to provide for them.

Until you fix your own character flaws, your ex is better off without you. 

[Rose Mosse]

Sorry about the loss of your family member. There's a lot going on right now but I hope you realize that you are coming across as emotionally abusive. Mistreating someone for their past or a life before you, neglect, lack of acceptance or a supportive environment is difficult for both people. 

You mentioned relying on her for emotional support. You recognized this yourself. "In our relationship I needed constant reassurance from her in our relationship." All that insecurity is unraveling the relationship and you. Depending on someone to keep making you feel good is a heavy burden on the other person. 

Find some good therapy, speak with someone. You're going to be a father. It's time to stop shoving the blame off onto someone else. You can do this if you want to step up to it. 

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, timbertops said:

I want to salvage the relationship but I don’t know how to get over her past. I don’t want to be ashamed of the person I am with and I’m afraid we may run into clients of hers even though she didn’t work in our home city. I am afraid of more skeletons coming out of her closet.

- YOU are afraid.. of a lot!

Trust issue's?  Ashamed of her past?

 

9 hours ago, timbertops said:

I would push that away, I don’t believe I am worthy of love and that is due to my guilt for the passing of a close family member. It is easier to be alone then to risk being hurt. In our relationship I needed constant reassurance from her in our relationship. 

- YOU do not believe you are worthy of love. - So, she has some issue's (a past), as do you.

Yeah, none of this is good 😞 

 

9 hours ago, timbertops said:

were together for less than a year. During this time our relationship was wonderful, she made me happy - we were happy together.

You two were only involved, less than a year.  Nothing re: your relationship has flourished - only issue's arose.

This is no good...  AND to jump to this 'fantasy world' of, getting married to this woman (by this year?)  Whoaa... way too much too fast, no?

9 hours ago, timbertops said:

Alternatively if I cannot get past her past I have suggested she have an abortion(something she does not want to do) I know if I do make her go through the termination I will regret it because it would mean we could never be together

Whatever SHE chooses to do now, is her choice.

No matter what she chooses here. still does not mean you two will be together.

Couples (ex's) have many times raised kids when separated.

 

YOU need to get yourself & issue's dealt with here.  Yah, she has a past- we all do.

My first ex had a past I didnt much favour - so it stewed for a good while inside me 😞 

Sadly, it's become a real mess- since you've gotten involved with this woman.  You two are sooo NOT fit for each other.

I suggest you get yourself in for some therapy- to work through these issue's of your own past.  And also, to work on these more present issue's as well.

Do not consider being involved again for a long while!  That is the last thing you need. ( Look what happened, the constant re-assurance?  No good)...

[LootieTootie]

How long were you guys together?

There's this thread on here you can check out to from the ex gf's perspective and people who've posted and admitted they would have a tough time accepting her as a partner.

 

 

Hopefully this thread put things in perspective for you and the advices you get on here will guide you to be a better and forgiving man.

 

 

 

[ChasingHope]

These threads/stories are very similar; I wonder if there if is some relation between the two?

 

 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, LootieTootie said:

How long were you guys together?

There's this thread on here you can check out to from the ex gf's perspective and people who've posted and admitted they would have a tough time accepting her as a partner.

 

 

Hopefully this thread put things in perspective for you and the advices you get on here will guide you to be a better and forgiving man.

 

 

 

But that poster's ex did not himself use prostitutes in the past (presumably). This man wrote in his post that he has paid for sex in the past. I think that really changes the situation because judging the ex girlfriend then becomes hypocritical. He has used prostitutes himself but says he is ashamed of HER. By the same token he should be ashamed of himself too. In his own eyes I mean.

[Tinydance]

Just now, ChasingHope said:

These threads/stories are very similar; I wonder if there if is some relation between the two?

 

 

Yeah I thought the same thing.

[boltnrun]

I too thought it might be the same poster creating a new account so they could post from the point of view of the boyfriend.

The lack of follow up from the OP on this thread supports that theory, IMO.

[Capricorn3]

14 hours ago, timbertops said:

I was horrible to her, I said some really disgusting things out of anger which I now regret.

I want to salvage the relationship but I don’t know how to get over her past. I don’t want to be ashamed of the person I am with

Alternatively if I cannot get past her past I have suggested she have an abortion(something she does not want to do)

I have to say I am really both shocked and surprised she hasn't dumped you a long time ago.  If that was me you would have been out the door so fast you wouldn't know what hit you.

As to what to do:  It would be best if you end it because clearly you will never get over her past and will forever judge her.  You cannot have a happy, healthy and successful relationship when all you do is resent her and feel ashamed of her.  Do both her and yourself a big favor and end it.  It won't work.   Just remember though, you have to pay child support.

You seem to be incredibly insecure.  Please look into therapy to help you with your issues. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah I thought the same thing.

Same here -too similar/too close in time.

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, timbertops said:

How do I get over my girlfriends past?

She has never judged me despite knowing in the past i have paid for sex. I know she will never go back to that old life she has moved on.

I don’t know what to do, how do I learn to accept her past and move forward. 

Any tips to get past this? 

Time is ticking

 

This.  You've paid for sex.  What makes her better or worse than you?  What makes you better or worse than her?  I'd say the score is even so why can't you forgive her since she has forgiven you?  You keep mentioning that you can never forgive her for her past.  You've got a past.  You're not a saint.  Look in the mirror.

Forgive means to move on.  Forgive does not mean to condone.  Forgive means to leave the past behind and keep it there, stop holding grudges, start fresh and don't rehash history otherwise both of you can never recover, heal and march forward. 

You need to be humble and admit that you have no right to judge her because paying for sex doesn't make you any better or worse than she is.  Both of you are equal.  

If you cannot and will not accept her past, accept YOUR past and move forward.  Be a fine example to your kid.  Be a very decent father, provide for your child and co-parent.  Yes, time is ticking.  You have several months to get YOUR act together.