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Sorry for this being so long

last month my now (32m) Ex-girlfriend (30F) ended it with me, just a month shy of our 1 year on what was fairly amicable terms, she ended it with me because of the stuff going on in her life, an Ailing father (pancreatic cancer), her new job and other stressors in life.
We had been friends prior for about roughly 4 years not close friends but gaming buddies (d&d nerds) and I found out that my buddies wife had been planning the set up for about that time she was just waiting for her to leave her toxic ex. So about two years later she decided to play cupid, and well here is my mess,We aligned on almost everything from our world views to life values, and even our damn hobbies, it literally felt like dating the female version of me.

Her distance was something that I noticed back in October but I didn't do much to press the issue, then when her new job started back in December she all but fell off the face of the earth hardly contacting me, any conversations were short, the hangouts were just as short, it had gotten to the point where when we hung out the Monday before the break up, we had dinner and we we're kinda hanging out she was watching tik tok, and then asked me what was wrong, so I said, "I feel like you don't want to be in this relationship anymore" she first said she didn't know, some things were exchanged (nothing bad, and we were both emotionally charged) she was in absolute tears, we had agreed to not talk while she sorted out where she wanted to be in the relationship.we hugged she left, and I immediately regretted bringing it up and sent a panic text that morning retracting what I said.

I called her on January 15th 4 days later, worst day of my life, I explained my faults and told her "I want this Relationship to continue, I know you have a lot of stuff going on and I want to be there with you to help support you" and "I will actively working my insecurities."

She said "with everything going on right now I just don't have capacity for a relationship, I'm working on establishing new bonds with my mom and sister, and with what's going on with my dad and job I just have to much going on, right now I need to focus on my friends and family, and you need to focus on your stuff. This is going to take longer than a few months. If you find someone go be happy with them, and I don't want to give any false hope but maybe in the future...for now maybe we can be friends, I know we preached about communication and I admit I dropped the ball on that (she mentioned something about us being way to similar and feeding off of each other, when one is in a bad mood the other picks up on it and gets in a bad mood too and something about caring for past ex's but not having romantic feelings for them)" She then confirmed that it was a breakup and not a break told me that she wasn't trying to sound so cold but it was the only way to stop from crying. We said our goodbyes and then I heaped on the floor.

Fast forward a bit almost a week later that next Friday I reached out to her with a pity text, and then went no contact. A few days after I was the one who ended up removing (not blocking)  her from my socials and from my ps friends list it was also when I started to go to therapy to start healing. I still stalked her social media even though we were unfriended. Then we get to last Wednesday...my buddies wife (the one who actually set us up) said that my ex had been asking about me first the Thursday before she was asking how I was then that same Monday she asked about my job interview, this threw me for a loop and I lied to my friend telling her the information would just be for closure. 

Saturday the day before Valentine's day, I swallowed a huge lump and texted her not sure what I was looking for but thought I was in a good headspace (evidently not), asking how she was doing, and how life was going and told her there was no rush to respond or even if she wanted to. I honestly was not expecting a response at all. About an hour later she responded with "I'm alright...how are you?" I never in my life had such a knee jerk reaction to that response but I said I'm well and glad she is doing good. She said "that's awesome... I'm glad" and I just left it at that not daring to overstep. Now I feel like I went from making progress to being back at square one. Which makes me think all the mindfulness and everything thing else was all for nothing...It doesn't help that I have anxious attachment which I'm actively focusing on overcoming.

Edited by Cronosilver
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Yup, is very easy to fall back.  Because it is so hard to just 'let go',, but is best, in order to work on accepting & healing.

I guess you know it is done.  Is never easy to accept.

Good you are in therapy, I found it does help, to vent & work through our emotions, etc.

No, it doesn't really do us any good to reach out.. yup, one step forward, 2 steps back.... but don't kick yourself about it.. happens a lot!

Everything takes time... but, in time everything will start to ease... less we know the better.. as we work on letting go & moving on.

Acceptance.. that it just did not work out.. for a few reasons, right?

So, you keep moving ahead as you are.. keep with the therapy and maybe if your anxiety is so bad, speak to your doctor for something or it?  (been there, was rough for a while)  😞


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I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. 

You are human, and thus, a break-up will be full of ups and downs. Dumpees rarely go from relationship directly to permanent No Contact, so don't be too hard on yourself. You're still processing and working on accepting that it's over. 

Ask your friends not to share any more updates about her. It's not helpful even if there's no malicious intention. Her asking about your well-being does not constitute a desire to reconcile, as you've learned. As such, there's no reason for them to keep you informed about passing comments/inquiries she might make. 

Be kind to yourself, and patient with the healing process. 

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9 hours ago, Cronosilver said:

 I said, "I feel like you don't want to be in this relationship anymore" 

She said "with everything going on right now I just don't have capacity for a relationship.

Let her be and attend to the things in her life. She was honest with you.

Stop suffocating her. 

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