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New to loving myself.. Advice, tips, am i doing it right?


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I should add that self love is also practicing safety while dating. Make all your beginning get togethers with men happen in public. I know I had peace of mind with not giving out my address and meeting in public at the beginning with the men I had first meet ups with. In one case, the guy was attractive and we had a very pleasant conversation at the diner. I was happy when we planned to meet again, but on that date, his crazy came out.

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9 hours ago, Andrina said:

I should add that self love is also practicing safety while dating. Make all your beginning get togethers with men happen in public. I know I had peace of mind with not giving out my address and meeting in public at the beginning with the men I had first meet ups with. In one case, the guy was attractive and we had a very pleasant conversation at the diner. I was happy when we planned to meet again, but on that date, his crazy came out.

You're right, I let my loneliness get the best of me and rushed too fast. I'm normally not like that but he just seemed so perfect.

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11 hours ago, Lambert said:

If you over reacted, then maybe this is a lesson learned.  To not have strong reactions. To be more observatory and hold off on responding.  Although, if he lied and you were upset about that, then maybe you didn't over react. 

That's the thing about sex-  casual or otherwise early on knowing a person, it's a gamble. 

If he did really like you, you may hear from him.  An apology or trying to clear the situation up. But keep in mind you may hear from him again for sex.  People can quickly forget things or pretend to forget to meet that need.  you know? 

To stop doubting yourself and really love yourself takes effort.  One - you have to decide how you feel or think of things.  What are your values? what matters to you? 

And then two- you have to live those values and make consistent decisions to act in a manner that supports them. If you want to love yourself, then you have to decide things that support you.  Not giving in to benefit others so they'll like you more (for example) 

How can you be independent? It's through the continuous action and thoughts that support what you value and stand for. 

That way when you come across people who are not meeting your standards or needs, you're OK with leaving them behind.... because you are you.  You know what's good for you and what isn't.  

It's not a slight against them, it's just you are not on their page or vice versa.  You know what is for you because you take the time to listen to yourself, know what matters to you and those are your priorities. once you have your priorities, things just get easier.

A good place to start is Journaling. what matters to you? what makes you feel good? What are the things you do for YOU that feel good? 

I've ended a lot of friendships and relationships, too. its ok.  You're making room for better.  For people like you. 

 

Yes he did reach out the next day and try to say it was just a misunderstanding. That he didn't realize we were going to have sex right before curfew, he thought we were just going to hang out outside (because that's what I told him at first, but I have narcolepsy and was so tired that I had to go back to my hotel) and he didn't want to spend the night because he "didn't want to rush things". Great logic... In my experience, if a man really likes you he will find any way to stay with you. 

So of course, I told him the answer is still no. 

I know I'm better off without him but it still hurts to much. Feel like I will never trust again, but I guess that's probably a good thing since that's how I got into this situation. 

I know what's important to me, and I have lots of hobbies that I'm passionate about. I guess I just feel like, what's the point if there's no one to share it with? I want to be satisfied with just my own company. 

I want to be able to say to myself, "Yes, I may spend the rest of my life totally alone and that's okay. I may never find the man I want and that's okay."

But when I say those things I feel so scared and sad, like what's the point of life if I have to be alone?

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Well if he contacted you again then I'd say he wasn't just completely trying to use you for sex and just ghost. I think maybe the trouble was that you regretted having sex with him straight away and you somehow felt bad about it, so you became defensive. I mean there is also no need to feel bad about it. If you wanted to have fun and have sex, you did that. I think maybe you're just experiencing some cognitive dissonance because you said you want a relationship and to settle down. So you regretted having sex straight away deep down. But you're telling yourself you did really want to do it to match what actually happened. My advice is if you want a relationship then don't have sex as soon as you meet the guy. That's when you are running the risk of someone just using you for sex, then ghosting. Keep your eyes on the prize, so to speak. The prize being a relationship. It takes long to find one and it's not easy, but the waiting is worth it.

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2 hours ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

. That he didn't realize we were going to have sex right before curfew, he thought we were just going to hang out outside (because that's what I told him at first, . 

So of course, I told him the answer is still no. 

?? Unfortunately you are undermining yourself. You drove there. You got a hotel. You forwarded it to sex.

Then he calls and wants to see you again and you tell him to shove off? 

Whose "logic" is skewed here?

This is far from "loving yourself". This is you orchestrating a one night stand and blaming him for it.

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28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you are undermining yourself. You drove there. You got a hotel. You forwarded it to sex.

I have to agree. You walked yourself right into this situation. Do you do that often?

Obviously, there's no going back now. But in the future, a better thing to do would be to say goodnight for the evening. 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

?? Unfortunately you are undermining yourself. You drove there. You got a hotel. You forwarded it to sex.

Then he calls and wants to see you again and you tell him to shove off? 

Whose "logic" is skewed here?

This is far from "loving yourself". This is you orchestrating a one night stand and blaming him for it.

it's hard to give all the details of our exchange at once, but he definitely said he was going to spend the whole night with me if things went well while we were talking during the day.

It doesn't change the fact either that he confused me with someone else, chose to go see someone else that night knowing that I came there to see him, and he also spelled my name wrong when he tried to apologize to me. 

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1 hour ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

he was going to spend the whole night with me if things went well

It doesn't change the fact either that he confused me with someone else,

chose to go see someone else that night knowing that I came there to see him, and

he also spelled my name wrong when he tried to apologize to me. 

You hardly knew each other, misspelling your name is not that strange.

You are  speculating that he "ran off to be with someone else".  What's the difference if he would rather go home than spend the night? 

It's very important to not confuse a hotel tryst with a long term BF. 

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5 hours ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

Yes he did reach out the next day and try to say it was just a misunderstanding. That he didn't realize we were going to have sex right before curfew, he thought we were just going to hang out outside (because that's what I told him at first, but I have narcolepsy and was so tired that I had to go back to my hotel) and he didn't want to spend the night because he "didn't want to rush things". Great logic... In my experience, if a man really likes you he will find any way to stay with you. 

So of course, I told him the answer is still no. 

I know I'm better off without him but it still hurts to much. Feel like I will never trust again, but I guess that's probably a good thing since that's how I got into this situation. 

I know what's important to me, and I have lots of hobbies that I'm passionate about. I guess I just feel like, what's the point if there's no one to share it with? I want to be satisfied with just my own company. 

I want to be able to say to myself, "Yes, I may spend the rest of my life totally alone and that's okay. I may never find the man I want and that's okay."

But when I say those things I feel so scared and sad, like what's the point of life if I have to be alone?

Well, if you can't be alone, than you may know yourself, but you don't like or accept yourself very much.

And when you make blanket statements about the future,  accepting what you don't want. That's a self fulfilling prophecy. And its not attractive or fun to be around.  

Things always change.  It's how life goes...

Of course we weren't there and don't know... but I think you're being too hard on the guy.  Blanket statements like "if he liked me,  he'd find a way" is a selfish perspective, feeds your self doubt and confirms that he didn't like you. All a narrative of your creating. 

When in fact you both moved super fast.  Jumped into bed and maybe, just maybe he was a little taken aback, panicked and had to get out of there. 

Then he is willing to communicate, be vulnerable, & calls to explain. but you don't want to hear his side.  So now you rejected him. 

You're view of relationships is unrealistic at best.  Relationships that last, have a lot of forgiveness, understanding and compassion for the other person on both sides.

Men, just like women can make bad split second decisions, not know what to do in the moment and make mistakes. They are not robots... They have insecurities, too.

Maybe the problem is: you not only hold yourself to an unrealistic standard but your dates as well. 

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1 minute ago, Lambert said:

Well, if you can't be alone than, you may know yourself but you don't like or accept yourself.

And when you make blanket statements about the future,  accepting what you don't want. That's self fulfilling prophecy. And its not attractive or fun to be around.  

Things always change.  It's how life goes...

Of course we weren't there and don't know... but I think you're being too hard on the guy.  Blanket statements like "if he liked me,  he'd find a way" is a selfish perspective,  feeds your self doubt and confirms that he didn't like you. All a narrative of your creating. 

When in fact you both moved super fast.  Jumped into bed and maybe, just maybe he was a little taken aback, panicked and had to get out of there. 

Then he is willing to communicate be vulnerable, & calls and explaining. but you don't want to hear his side.  So now you rejected him. 

You're view of relationships is unrealistic at best.  Relationships that last, have a lot of forgiveness, understanding and compassion for the other person on both sides. Men, just like women can make bad split second decisions, not know what to do in n the moment, b they are not robots... They're people just like you with insecurities, too.

Maybe the problem is you not only hold yourself to  an unrealistic standard but your dates as well. 

That actually does make a lot of sense what you are saying about the unrealistic standards. I do have a tendency to want everything to be perfect all the time. That is probably why I'm always disappointed. Thank you for giving me real advice instead of just telling me that I'm an idiot for rushing. Maybe I should try starting over but this time move much more slowly...

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1 minute ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

That actually does make a lot of sense what you are saying about the unrealistic standards. I do have a tendency to want everything to be perfect all the time. That is probably why I'm always disappointed. Thank you for giving me real advice instead of just telling me that I'm an idiot for rushing. Maybe I should try starting over but this time move much more slowly...

That sounds fair.  Maybe you can give the guy a call.  You know at some point a relationship has to stop being a game.  And get down to the two people that are in it, finding a way to help, support, & understand each other.  Like friends, but more.  He reacted badly. You did, too. Maybe you talk through it. 

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1 hour ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

but he definitely said he was going to spend the whole night with me if things went well while we were talking during the day.

Even still, that's no reason to put yourself in a situation that makes you vulnerable. You have to be more careful with yourself.

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So I knew I could be happy on my own -and I was - and I never ever lied to myself that I'd be truly happy without reaching my goals of marriage and having the opportunity to start a family.  I never bought into the "but there's more freedom if you're single" or "you get to do whatever you want!!" -I felt more restricted being single.  Did I love myself -yes -did I think about it as a goal -no -it's too abstract. 

To me the most important part of loving is giving.  To me I feel the best about myself (your list might be very different!) when I am taking good care of myself (not in a pampering way -in a functional/practical way), when I am being productive whether at work, volunteer work, housework, whatever, when I stick to my promises to myself - for me that includes drinking a certain amount of water every day, working out every day, and choosing to react to my feelings of frustration or even anger (usually parenting related in some way) with a more centered, balanced, calmer approach.  I felt awesome the other day when I took out all the garbages.  I felt great when I helped my son's friend's parent with a thorny business related issue.  It feels great when I care about myself by walking away from screens and reading a real book.

Would getting a spa day with a massage, a facial, my hair done make me feel self love? Nope.  Would telling myself positive things about myself help -yes but in a specific way -when I'm not motivated to work out or when it's exhausting I have positive mantras I tell myself (silently!) to keep myself going - and I feel really accomplished when I'm finally done. Self love is when I tell myself if I push myself to work out (covid-safe now, outdoors) in the freezing cold I get to have a nice hot shower and hot coffee when I get back - and I do it.  That is me taking care of myself even if it involves "bribery". 

I'm into nitty gritty, back to basics.  I'm into reminding myself of that if I get too abstract and too "woo woo".  Again someone else might have a different definition but I would stop chasing the dream and abstraction of "I have to love myself" and "I have to be truly happy being on my own"  - because that's not your dream.  Your dream is of finding the right person for a long term commitment or marriage, right? Your self-love journey is not about self-love but about your notion that you think you have to attain self-love and be supremely happy on your own, even if that is forever, to be able to have a healthful relationship.  I don't agree.  Be honest with what you want, own it. 

It's ok to know that without a long term partner in a healthy stable relationship you won't feel you've attained your dreams and goals. It's ok that other people are truly happy being on his or her own (like one of my best friends).  And it's ok to work on feeling fulfilled while you also take on the part time job (at least) of becoming the right person to find the right person.  Because desperation smells bad.  Your connection with that guy was his private parts connecting to yours.  Some people like casual sex -you don't seem to. I didn't.  Had no desire to have casual sex after I was a teenager when it seemed, from the outside, like it could be really fun and exciting.  

So get down to the nitty gritty.  Every day do something that is healthful and productive -you choose.  I told you mine, there are so many.     I would look into volunteer work, being there for a friend (because self-love doesn't mean self-absorption), working out regularly whether cardio, strength training or both (I can't go to a gym now because of covid so I work out outdoors every morning right before sunrise), drink a lot of water and stop drinking sodas or diet sodas if at all possible, push yourself and challenge yourself just a little -not to a point of bullying yourself but show yourself what your mind and body can do.  Get out there when it's safe and network, meet men and women (women will introduce you to men also), do some online looking as a supplement.  For example.  Good luck!!

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So I knew I could be happy on my own -and I was - and I never ever lied to myself that I'd be truly happy without reaching my goals of marriage and having the opportunity to start a family.  I never bought into the "but there's more freedom if you're single" or "you get to do whatever you want!!" -I felt more restricted being single.  Did I love myself -yes -did I think about it as a goal -no -it's too abstract. 

To me the most important part of loving is giving.  To me I feel the best about myself (your list might be very different!) when I am taking good care of myself (not in a pampering way -in a functional/practical way), when I am being productive whether at work, volunteer work, housework, whatever, when I stick to my promises to myself - for me that includes drinking a certain amount of water every day, working out every day, and choosing to react to my feelings of frustration or even anger (usually parenting related in some way) with a more centered, balanced, calmer approach.  I felt awesome the other day when I took out all the garbages.  I felt great when I helped my son's friend's parent with a thorny business related issue.  It feels great when I care about myself by walking away from screens and reading a real book.

Would getting a spa day with a massage, a facial, my hair done make me feel self love? Nope.  Would telling myself positive things about myself help -yes but in a specific way -when I'm not motivated to work out or when it's exhausting I have positive mantras I tell myself (silently!) to keep myself going - and I feel really accomplished when I'm finally done. Self love is when I tell myself if I push myself to work out (covid-safe now, outdoors) in the freezing cold I get to have a nice hot shower and hot coffee when I get back - and I do it.  That is me taking care of myself even if it involves "bribery". 

I'm into nitty gritty, back to basics.  I'm into reminding myself of that if I get too abstract and too "woo woo".  Again someone else might have a different definition but I would stop chasing the dream and abstraction of "I have to love myself" and "I have to be truly happy being on my own"  - because that's not your dream.  Your dream is of finding the right person for a long term commitment or marriage, right? Your self-love journey is not about self-love but about your notion that you think you have to attain self-love and be supremely happy on your own, even if that is forever, to be able to have a healthful relationship.  I don't agree.  Be honest with what you want, own it. 

It's ok to know that without a long term partner in a healthy stable relationship you won't feel you've attained your dreams and goals. It's ok that other people are truly happy being on his or her own (like one of my best friends).  And it's ok to work on feeling fulfilled while you also take on the part time job (at least) of becoming the right person to find the right person.  Because desperation smells bad.  Your connection with that guy was his private parts connecting to yours.  Some people like casual sex -you don't seem to. I didn't.  Had no desire to have casual sex after I was a teenager when it seemed, from the outside, like it could be really fun and exciting.  

So get down to the nitty gritty.  Every day do something that is healthful and productive -you choose.  I told you mine, there are so many.     I would look into volunteer work, being there for a friend (because self-love doesn't mean self-absorption), working out regularly whether cardio, strength training or both (I can't go to a gym now because of covid so I work out outdoors every morning right before sunrise), drink a lot of water and stop drinking sodas or diet sodas if at all possible, push yourself and challenge yourself just a little -not to a point of bullying yourself but show yourself what your mind and body can do.  Get out there when it's safe and network, meet men and women (women will introduce you to men also), do some online looking as a supplement.  For example.  Good luck!!

Thank you!!!!! This is such a great answer!!! And I have made a lot of these steps already so I'm glad to know I'm on the right path. I think I'm just still a bit easily-swayed and doubtful of myself, but I'm hoping that with more time working on these things that that will become more solid. Thank you again!!!

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4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well if he contacted you again then I'd say he wasn't just completely trying to use you for sex and just ghost. I think maybe the trouble was that you regretted having sex with him straight away and you somehow felt bad about it, so you became defensive. I mean there is also no need to feel bad about it. If you wanted to have fun and have sex, you did that. I think maybe you're just experiencing some cognitive dissonance because you said you want a relationship and to settle down. So you regretted having sex straight away deep down. But you're telling yourself you did really want to do it to match what actually happened. My advice is if you want a relationship then don't have sex as soon as you meet the guy. That's when you are running the risk of someone just using you for sex, then ghosting. Keep your eyes on the prize, so to speak. The prize being a relationship. It takes long to find one and it's not easy, but the waiting is worth it.

Yeah and I was very tired at the time due to my chronic illness, and it's hard for me to think when I'm that tired. I get very emotional, very easily. Maybe I'm looking for things to go wrong because I'm terrified of being in love and  being hurt again. I just broke up with my fiancee 6 months ago. 

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One of the most self-loving decisions I ever made was to stop viewing sex casually.

It's not a moral thing, and it's not something I'd finger-wag anyone else about. For me, it's about private self-honesty. I've come to know myself well enough to know that I bond deeply when I'm sexual. So why wouldn't it follow that I'd use careful discretion in choosing who, exactly, I'll want to bond with?

This takes the time to actually get to know someone well enough to learn where I'll stand with him going forward--and where I'll want to stand.

There are lots of advantages to not sleeping first, asking questions later. There is such empowerment in using observation and self control to screen out 'dudes' and, instead, select a MAN.

It helps to grasp that most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds, and once I started using a 'needle-in-the-haystack' approach to dating and screening OUT bad matches rather than 'a roll in the hay,' my observation skills became incredibly intuitive, and I stopped investing in guys prematurely on self-manufactured 'chemistry'.

I recognized that the kind of man that's right for me will not just tolerate my views on getting to know a person as a human being over t.i.m.e., he also shares those views. 

Head high, and hold out for true simpatico with someone who 'gets you'. The only way for that to happen is for you to 'get' yourself. That clarity will help you to convey What You Want out of dating up front--in order to learn whether he's dating for the same reasons. If not, or he's not clear, then don't play messy kid games of pretending to casualize what you've grown beyond viewing as casual. Let your ego off the hook of trying to turn him around with sex. You'll thank yourself later.

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  • 4 months later...
On 2/15/2021 at 1:07 PM, lovingmyselfnow said:

All my life I've really valued romantic love, and one of the most important things to me is finding a partner I can make memories with. Unfortunately, I seem to go for childish dudes and I am trying really hard to change that but not sure how. I know I need to love myself, and I am getting better at that. But I have a long way to go I think.

For example, just yesterday for Valentine's. I had been talking to a dude for a while, and he seemed so perfect. He was spiritual just like me, and that's mostly what we talked about. He read part of the book I'm writing, he did meditations with me. I really thought that he was the dude I had been waiting for. He even physically matched my type. He said he wanted to meet up on Valentine's and I traveled to the city to see him. 

Well, we talked for a bit when we met up, and shared more spiritual things and important aspects of ourselves. I have been so lonely for so long (I rarely agree to meet up with men) that I just decided to have sex with him, thinking we had a real connection anyway. 

As soon as we finished, he started putting his clothes on and saying he had to go because of curfew (It's 6pm here). I had thought he was going to spend the night but he said he had something else to do (wouldn't say what). I told him that we'd never see each other again then even though he asked me not to hold it against him, he offered to travel to my city and see me soon, blah blah. A guy who really cares about you would never do that to you, right? I felt good telling him that he lost his chance, but I feel so sad and dejected still. 

I'm proud of myself but part of me still wonders... what if he really did like me and I over reacted? Even though I'm pretty sure that's bull***.

How can I stop doubting myself and really love myself?

How can I be happy without a man?

Matter of fact, how can I be happy independent of everything around me? 

I don't want to have to rely on outside sources for happiness anymore because I'm always disppointed. 

Hi, I really love your post. It shows that you are really self aware! 

First things first, don't blame yourself. We all make mistakes and it's a learning process. Also, we do not control the behavior of others, so how they act is just a sign to let us know that they are not right for us. What we do with that information is our responsibility. 

Second, you will have to come to an acceptance of being alone. Alot of people are afraid of being happy alone, but there is a great possiblity that some of us will never find romantic love and we need to be ok with that. We need to know that all the love we need is inside of ourselves. And then, you start pouring love into your own life. Start affirming yourself, start taking care of your physical body in a way that aligns with your values, start enjoying your hobbies and investing in your career and finances. When you put yourself first you will realize that you are your own greatest friend. And you will have a life outside of anyone else and you won't need to rely on anyone to give you purpose, worth or love. 

You're an awesome person and I know you can do this. It takes time. It starts in your mind and flows out from there.

 

I wish you the utmost best. 

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