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New to loving myself.. Advice, tips, am i doing it right?


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All my life I've really valued romantic love, and one of the most important things to me is finding a partner I can make memories with. Unfortunately, I seem to go for childish dudes and I am trying really hard to change that but not sure how. I know I need to love myself, and I am getting better at that. But I have a long way to go I think.

For example, just yesterday for Valentine's. I had been talking to a dude for a while, and he seemed so perfect. He was spiritual just like me, and that's mostly what we talked about. He read part of the book I'm writing, he did meditations with me. I really thought that he was the dude I had been waiting for. He even physically matched my type. He said he wanted to meet up on Valentine's and I traveled to the city to see him. 

Well, we talked for a bit when we met up, and shared more spiritual things and important aspects of ourselves. I have been so lonely for so long (I rarely agree to meet up with men) that I just decided to have sex with him, thinking we had a real connection anyway. 

As soon as we finished, he started putting his clothes on and saying he had to go because of curfew (It's 6pm here). I had thought he was going to spend the night but he said he had something else to do (wouldn't say what). I told him that we'd never see each other again then even though he asked me not to hold it against him, he offered to travel to my city and see me soon, blah blah. A guy who really cares about you would never do that to you, right? I felt good telling him that he lost his chance, but I feel so sad and dejected still. 

I'm proud of myself but part of me still wonders... what if he really did like me and I over reacted? Even though I'm pretty sure that's bull***.

How can I stop doubting myself and really love myself?

How can I be happy without a man?

Matter of fact, how can I be happy independent of everything around me? 

I don't want to have to rely on outside sources for happiness anymore because I'm always disppointed. 

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I'd like to share things from my own personal journey to self-love. I had been getting myself into really rubbish situations with men who only took me for granted for a good few years. I was rejected by a guy I was in love with in 2012, and I kind of went on a bit of a downward spiral from there (parents got divorced, fell into the arms of someone who just wanted to use me, and generally going for the same sort of guys who were only in it for one thing). I realised only last year that I was coming to terms with all of these bad situations with food. I'd gained quite a bit of weight and no longer felt comfortable in my own skin and hated everything I wore. I decided then that it was time for a change.

I've lost 4 stone now and have felt like I am glowing with confidence. I met a guy who appreciated how far I had come, and friends have commended me for the overall improvement in my outlook on life. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out with the guy I met, but something I tell myself is that in order for me to truly find love one day, I will have to put myself back out there eventually, and that rejection or disappointment is very much a possibility, but if that happens, then I'm just one step closer to finding the person who will give me the world. I'm not saying you have to go on an avid weight-loss journey like I did, but when I regained confidence, I realised that I had to be willing to 'take the l' sometimes in order for me to find that connection with somebody. For some, love can be a bit of a journey, but throwing yourself into your own personal growth will help you to get there, and even if it doesn't work out with somebody, you're still left with your amazing, confident self. 

Good luck to you, I know you'll find it someday 🙂 

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I think you overreacted but what's done is done. You can only be happy on your own if you love who you are and have found peace or joy with your life as it is (aren't looking for any voids to be filled, dreams not fulfilled, career not on track, whatever that suits you not aligned with your path). 

That's the short answer. Hope you feel better soon. I wouldn't overthink this guy. He was one drop in the bucket. There are others and you don't have to be too hard on yourself. Focus more on you and creating a life you love.

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2 minutes ago, artsygirl said:

I'd like to share things from my own personal journey to self-love. I had been getting myself into really rubbish situations with men who only took me for granted for a good few years. I was rejected by a guy I was in love with in 2012, and I kind of went on a bit of a downward spiral from there (parents got divorced, fell into the arms of someone who just wanted to use me, and generally going for the same sort of guys who were only in it for one thing). I realised only last year that I was coming to terms with all of these bad situations with food. I'd gained quite a bit of weight and no longer felt comfortable in my own skin and hated everything I wore. I decided then that it was time for a change.

I've lost 4 stone now and have felt like I am glowing with confidence. I met a guy who appreciated how far I had come, and friends have commended me for the overall improvement in my outlook on life. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out with the guy I met, but something I tell myself is that in order for me to truly find love one day, I will have to put myself back out there eventually, and that rejection or disappointment is very much a possibility, but if that happens, then I'm just one step closer to finding the person who will give me the world. I'm not saying you have to go on an avid weight-loss journey like I did, but when I regained confidence, I realised that I had to be willing to 'take the l' sometimes in order for me to find that connection with somebody. For some, love can be a bit of a journey, but throwing yourself into your own personal growth will help you to get there, and even if it doesn't work out with somebody, you're still left with your amazing, confident self. 

Good luck to you, I know you'll find it someday 🙂 

I'm really glad that you made the decision to start working on yourself. That's where I am at now too. I stopped smoking, stopped doing drugs, and I have lost some weight. I'm proud of myself but I still can't quite get to that point where I'm truly happy being on my own... Every time a great guy comes along I just fall too fast too easily. I guess it's normal though, we are all humans looking for love after all. 

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Hi :)

Not sure of your age/experience with relationships?

I'e learned, there's all kinds out there 😞 .. Yes, is common for guys to just go for it, when possible,  Some do want sex, of course.. but can take time.. to really be into each other and something real to grow.

Chatting someone up- then a quick meet & sex - is meaningless. he has shown he has not real interest in anything more than that- yes?..sucks 😞 

As for YOU.... self love.  Do you have a few good friends?  Hobby/crafts?

I have learned to be fine with myself and being on my own - this way I won't get hurt. - been there too many times.  Sadly, a lot don't have a lot to offer / or stick around long - they seem so unsettled.

So, can you learn to be okay, without seeking out a man?  We need to feel comfortable with ourselves...

For my own self care.. I eat as well as possible, I get my sleep.. I watch my shows, get lost in my music sometimes.. and do some crafts.  On occasion I will meet with a friend (male or female) for a coffee.

I do not depend on anyone... my circle is small.  I am okay with that :) 

 

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7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I think you overreacted but what's done is done. You can only be happy on your own if you love who you are and have found peace or joy with your life as it is (aren't looking for any voids to be filled, dreams not fulfilled, career not on track, whatever that suits you not aligned with your path). 

That's the short answer. Hope you feel better soon. I wouldn't overthink this guy. He was one drop in the bucket. There are others and you don't have to be too hard on yourself. Focus more on you and creating a life you love.

The other thing that I noticed with him is that he kept insisting he had sent me videos that he never did. He was confusing me with another girl he's talking to. So I'm convinced that he raced off to meet another girl for the night. 

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17 minutes ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

I told him that we'd never see each other again

he offered to travel to my city and see me soon, blah blah.

Ok, so you had a romantic encounter you wanted for valentine's day. Is he married? Is that what the preemptive strike was about?

Why not get on some quality dating apps and get to know men a bit first. 

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Positive self-talk is the best place to start. Read some articles on how to do that. Treat yourself by cooking yourself delicious meals. Start a new hobby you can be passionate about. Only accept people in your life who treat you as the special person you are. I really don't get where you ended up being intimate if you traveled to the city? Did you book a motel room?

Being lonely isn't a good reason to be intimate, nor is assuming someone's dating/relationship goals are the same as yours when you've known them a millisecond. 

How you spoke to him spells of your lack of confidence and low self worth and shows that you invested far too much too soon. You're not ready to date until you can be realistic about what getting to know someone means before giving the gift of your body to him, plus gain better self worth.

Never project some rosy future involving a man you don't know. It takes a wait and see attitude, seeing if a guy regularly plans dates with you, accepts your equal effort, and to find out if he really wants to get to know you versus have a one and done.

What's the rush with sex? How about waiting until you see effort and to ensure you have the same dating/relationship goals? I made lots of mistakes while in the dating world as well. Start your positive talk by telling yourself you will learn from this experience and vow to do things better next time. 

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Hi 🙂

Not sure of your age/experience with relationships?

I'e learned, there's all kinds out there 😞 .. Yes, is common for guys to just go for it, when possible,  Some do want sex, of course.. but can take time.. to really be into each other and something real to grow.

Chatting someone up- then a quick meet & sex - is meaningless. he has shown he has not real interest in anything more than that- yes?..sucks 😞 

As for YOU.... self love.  Do you have a few good friends?  Hobby/crafts?

I have learned to be fine with myself and being on my own - this way I won't get hurt. - been there too many times.  Sadly, a lot don't have a lot to offer / or stick around long - they seem so unsettled.

So, can you learn to be okay, without seeking out a man?  We need to feel comfortable with ourselves...

For my own self care.. I eat as well as possible, I get my sleep.. I watch my shows, get lost in my music sometimes.. and do some crafts.  On occasion I will meet with a friend (male or female) for a coffee.

I do not depend on anyone... my circle is small.  I am okay with that 🙂

 

I am 32 and have been in a lot of relationships. I wasn't serious for a long time but I'm looking to settle down now. I do have big passions that I pursue and I try to just focus on those. I have lost most of my friends when I decided to start loving myself. Many of them just came to me when they needed something and were never there for me or even tried to make me feel bad. So I'm in a weird spot where the only person I trust is my dad right now. I'm also injured too so I can't do my craft.  I want to learn how to be happy regardless of whether I'm injured, alone, or even if I suddenly went blind one day. How did you learn to be okay with it?

 

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3 minutes ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

I'm proud of myself but I still can't quite get to that point where I'm truly happy being on my own... Every time a great guy comes along I just fall too fast too easily. I guess it's normal though, we are all humans looking for love after all. 

Okay, then this needs some work - to point you do not feel that overwhelming need - for attention, appreciation, needed, etc.

Self control and to feel okay about yourself... How about some decent down time - to be alone & okay with that.

And to not seek male companionship for a good while, as you work more on yourself.

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12 minutes ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

I stopped smoking, stopped doing drugs, and I have lost some weight. 

Have you considered getting evaluated by a physician for your overall health? That way  you could stop fighting yourself and swimming upstream. 

Also ongoing support with a Cognitive Behavior Therapist would help you address negative thoughts and self-defeating behaviors. 

 Taking care of yourself is great and good to continue, but objective professional help could assist you in breaking cycles.

Edited by Wiseman2
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5 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Positive self-talk is the best place to start. Read some articles on how to do that. Treat yourself by cooking yourself delicious meals. Start a new hobby you can be passionate about. Only accept people in your life who treat you as the special person you are. I really don't get where you ended up being intimate if you traveled to the city? Did you book a motel room?

Being lonely isn't a good reason to be intimate, nor is assuming someone's dating/relationship goals are the same as yours when you've known them a millisecond. 

How you spoke to him spells of your lack of confidence and low self worth and shows that you invested far too much too soon. You're not ready to date until you can be realistic about what getting to know someone means before giving the gift of your body to him, plus gain better self worth.

Never project some rosy future involving a man you don't know. It takes a wait and see attitude, seeing if a guy regularly plans dates with you, accepts your equal effort, and to find out if he really wants to get to know you versus have a one and done.

What's the rush with sex? How about waiting until you see effort and to ensure you have the same dating/relationship goals? I made lots of mistakes while in the dating world as well. Start your positive talk by telling yourself you will learn from this experience and vow to do things better next time. 

To be honest, I don't even really regret having sex with him because I wanted to  have sex. It just hurts that he acted like he was gonna stick around and then didn't. If he had told me that he just wanted to have sex, I wouldn't even care and I would've known to just have fun for the night. I'm alright with casual sex, I'm not alright with being lied to. 

But yeah, the red flags were all there and I ignored them. 

I do have hobbies, and I'm writing a book that I'm really proud of, but somehow I still don't like being alone. How can I just enjoy my own company?

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7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, then this needs some work - to point you do not feel that overwhelming need - for attention, appreciation, needed, etc.

Self control and to feel okay about yourself... How about some decent down time - to be alone & okay with that.

And to not seek male companionship for a good while, as you work more on yourself.

Absolutely. I can't even seek male companionship right now if I wanted to because it's so painful. I downloaded some self-help books today about loving myself. Maybe I just need more time to get there. 

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you considered getting evaluated by a physician for your overall health? That way  you could stop fighting yourself and swimming upstream. 

Also ongoing support with a Cognitive Behavior Therapist would help you address negative thoughts and self-defeating behaviors. 

 Taking care of yourself is great and good to continue, but objective professional help could assist you in breaking cycles.

yeah I've been seriously considering going to a therapist so I can figure out why I'm attracted to immature guys. Unfortunately I moved to a new country and don't know the language well so that is adding to my loneliness. I'm thinking of returning home so I can get a therapist in English and work on myself. It makes me feel like I'm giving up on my dreams though. 

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Just now, lovingmyselfnow said:

I moved to a new country and don't know the language well so that is adding to my loneliness.

It makes me feel like I'm giving up on my dreams though. 

Certainly being lonely and isolated is not your dream?

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3 minutes ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

I have lost most of my friends when I decided to start loving myself. Many of them just came to me when they needed something and were never there for me or even tried to make me feel bad

Ahh, so some were kinda toxic?  Then good, you don't need that.. I've been there too... Had to rid of the occasional manipulator, I knew they were not well - and pushed my buttons, with assumptions & attitude 😞  .. so glad I am more aware now- comes with age 😉 .. and know when to walk away.

 

3 minutes ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

I'm also injured too so I can't do my craft.  I want to learn how to be happy regardless of whether I'm injured, alone, or even if I suddenly went blind one day. How did you learn to be okay with it?

Aww, injured?  Sorry about that 😞 ... so it affects crafts you like to do?  There are many out there.. maybe try something 'simple', to keep the mind busy?

How did I learn to be okay with it?  I just realized I was so overwhelmed with negative experiences, I hit a real low & ended up in therapy for a few yrs.. working thru a lot & some coping skills.. I was mentally & emotionally exhausted 😞

So, nowadays, I know I cannot be involved, just can't do it.  It takes effort & energy.  I know I am not okay.. but damaged.  So, I don't look to get involved - but accept who I am now and just keep more to myself, doing my own things.

I find I rather hang out with a decent friend, where expectations are not really there.. I can leave & go back home to my comfort zone & be on my own :) 

Do you or can you have pets?  I have a cat & dog, they are company and my youngest is around.  He just finished school.. He does his gaming & goes to visit dad on occasion, so we do our own things .. being on your own can be good.... but also to not have 'the need' to seek a partner in order to 'not' feel alone.

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5 minutes ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

I can't even seek male companionship right now if I wanted to because it's so painful. I downloaded some self-help books today about loving myself. Maybe I just need more time to get there. 

Okay.. yes, can be painful- which is why I avoid.  To not be hurt anymore.. there are a lot of uncertain one's out there :(.  No ty

Fine, we all like 'a little fun' now & then... and this is why some ppl seek out a fwb.. BUT, so often the woman will gain feelings, but the guy doesn't.. so WE end up being hurt in the end..so, not so advisable, especially if you are already kinda hurtin' 😞 

Can always serve yourself 😉 . No need for a man, then... and no hurt feelings.

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25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I moved to a new country and don't know the language well so that is adding to my loneliness.

It makes me feel like I'm giving up on my dreams though. 

Your dream was to move to this other country?

sounds like you are not so happy there 😞 

What are your dreams there? 

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If he lied to you from the get-go about staying and then didn't or gave you the impression or the both of you had plans to spend more time together and he cut out and run after sex, this is not a person you want around you. 

He doesn't appear as genuine or great as you once thought? Or at least he has a memory of a goldfish (mistaking you for someone else). Why associate with people like this? I think you dodged a grand old bullet. Instead of being sad, it might be a thing to celebrate. You have regained your independence and are no longer waiting for someone who isn't as interested in you as you might have thought. Trust your instincts. 

One of the worst things that can undermine a person is not trusting themselves. Trust yourself and work on those positive self-talks. Don't create bigger issues out of a smaller issue. This is one person out of many and he won't be the last. Whatever it was it certainly wasn't great enough to be the guy you thought he was. Be patient with yourself and take this with a pinch of salt. You deserve a lot better than scraps or behaviour you don't like.

 

 

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46 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ahh, so some were kinda toxic?  Then good, you don't need that.. I've been there too... Had to rid of the occasional manipulator, I knew they were not well - and pushed my buttons, with assumptions & attitude 😞  .. so glad I am more aware now- comes with age 😉 .. and know when to walk away.

 

Aww, injured?  Sorry about that 😞 ... so it affects crafts you like to do?  There are many out there.. maybe try something 'simple', to keep the mind busy?

How did I learn to be okay with it?  I just realized I was so overwhelmed with negative experiences, I hit a real low & ended up in therapy for a few yrs.. working thru a lot & some coping skills.. I was mentally & emotionally exhausted 😞

So, nowadays, I know I cannot be involved, just can't do it.  It takes effort & energy.  I know I am not okay.. but damaged.  So, I don't look to get involved - but accept who I am now and just keep more to myself, doing my own things.

I find I rather hang out with a decent friend, where expectations are not really there.. I can leave & go back home to my comfort zone & be on my own 🙂

Do you or can you have pets?  I have a cat & dog, they are company and my youngest is around.  He just finished school.. He does his gaming & goes to visit dad on occasion, so we do our own things .. being on your own can be good.... but also to not have 'the need' to seek a partner in order to 'not' feel alone.

Yes I have my dog. He helps keep me sane for sure. I writing a book and I can do that with my injury. I'm trying so hard to stay busy, I also draw and dance (can't dance with my injury either). 

I think I will try therapy too and just work on myself for awhile. 

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3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If he lied to you from the get-go about staying and then didn't or gave you the impression or the both of you had plans to spend more time together and he cut out and run after sex, this is not a person you want around you. 

He doesn't appear as genuine or great as you once thought? Or at least he has a memory of a goldfish (mistaking you for someone else). Why associate with people like this? I think you dodged a grand old bullet. Instead of being sad, it might be a thing to celebrate. You have regained your independence and are no longer waiting for someone who isn't as interested in you as you might have thought. Trust your instincts. 

One of the worst things that can undermine a person is not trusting themselves. Trust yourself and work on those positive self-talks. Don't create bigger issues out of a smaller issue. This is one person out of many and he won't be the last. Whatever it was it certainly wasn't great enough to be the guy you thought he was. Be patient with yourself and take this with a pinch of salt. You deserve a lot better than scraps or behaviour you don't like.

 

 

very true. I am glad that he revealed his true self quickly rather than later when I was more attached. I am trying to remind myself that this is not the end but just a blip on the radar. Thank you so much for your kind words and not just telling me I'm an idiot for trusting him.

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24 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Your dream was to move to this other country?

sounds like you are not so happy there 😞 

What are your dreams there? 

Yes it was my dream but everything has gone since I arrived. I guess I need to admit it was a mistake and cut my losses and move on. My dream was to learn a new language and get free healthcare but I don't think those things are worth this much pain anymore. I guess I have to admit I will need to take a couple steps back in order to move forward to something better now.

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47 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay.. yes, can be painful- which is why I avoid.  To not be hurt anymore.. there are a lot of uncertain one's out there :(.  No ty

Fine, we all like 'a little fun' now & then... and this is why some ppl seek out a fwb.. BUT, so often the woman will gain feelings, but the guy doesn't.. so WE end up being hurt in the end..so, not so advisable, especially if you are already kinda hurtin' 😞 

Can always serve yourself 😉 . No need for a man, then... and no hurt feelings.

Yeah I'm sticking to myself for the foreseeable future for sure. I'm at rock bottom and it sucks that what it took for me to learn it's better to be alone. Just hurting anyway. Thank you for being here for me during this difficult time.

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1 hour ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

.. what if he really did like me and I over reacted? Even though I'm pretty sure that's bull***.

How can I stop doubting myself and really love myself?

How can I be happy without a man?

Matter of fact, how can I be happy independent of everything around me? 

I don't want to have to rely on outside sources for happiness anymore because I'm always disppointed. 

If you over reacted, then maybe this is a lesson learned.  To not have strong reactions. To be more observatory and hold off on responding.  Although, if he lied and you were upset about that, then maybe you didn't over react. 

That's the thing about sex-  casual or otherwise early on knowing a person, it's a gamble. 

If he did really like you, you may hear from him.  An apology or trying to clear the situation up. But keep in mind you may hear from him again for sex.  People can quickly forget things or pretend to forget to meet that need.  you know? 

To stop doubting yourself and really love yourself takes effort.  One - you have to decide how you feel or think of things.  What are your values? what matters to you? 

And then two- you have to live those values and make consistent decisions to act in a manner that supports them. If you want to love yourself, then you have to decide things that support you.  Not giving in to benefit others so they'll like you more (for example) 

How can you be independent? It's through the continuous action and thoughts that support what you value and stand for. 

That way when you come across people who are not meeting your standards or needs, you're OK with leaving them behind.... because you are you.  You know what's good for you and what isn't.  

It's not a slight against them, it's just you are not on their page or vice versa.  You know what is for you because you take the time to listen to yourself, know what matters to you and those are your priorities. once you have your priorities, things just get easier.

A good place to start is Journaling. what matters to you? what makes you feel good? What are the things you do for YOU that feel good? 

I've ended a lot of friendships and relationships, too. its ok.  You're making room for better.  For people like you. 

 

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38 minutes ago, lovingmyselfnow said:

Yes it was my dream but everything has gone since I arrived. I guess I need to admit it was a mistake and cut my losses and move on. My dream was to learn a new language and get free healthcare but I don't think those things are worth this much pain anymore. I guess I have to admit I will need to take a couple steps back in order to move forward to something better now.

Yes.  Is so hard when what we want & what we get is a negative :/.. I am thinking, this is adding to your 'negative' experiences.

Yup, as you want to work on your 'healing' of self and move ahead.. can't get there by continous let downs 😞 

Focus on YOU.  Get your life into a better position.  On your own ❤️ 

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