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SIL didn’t care about FIL until he was diagnosed with cancer


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Maybe I’m wrong, but doesn’t it seem odd that someone would barely communicate with a family member, talk bad about them, but then when that family member is diagnosed with cancer, all the sudden they start posting on Facebook about it daily and claiming to be soooo close to that person? And this isn’t the first time this has happened. Same person acted this way when her aunt was dying. Never had anything to do with her, but then went to the hospital daily when she was ill and posted on Facebook daily. Maybe I’m petty for being annoyed. But why does something tragic have to happen for her to be nice to family?

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Family connections are complicated and don’t follow reasoning due to emotions. I didn’t have a good or close relationship with my father but I was just devastated devastated when he chose to die. I didn’t spend a lot of time with him over the past 30 years but I was with him the night before he died and when he was still cognizant but in palliative care. And I sat with his body held his hand and prayed for an hour after he was gone. Emotions don’t follow reason. If it’s her father just let it go. 

 

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You definitely could be wrong. Relationships are complicated and you are not with either of them 24/7, so how do you know that your perceptions are the defining of their connection?

Some people talk crap about each other a a form of affection, seriously, it's a thing.

How she and your mutual relatives stay connected is really between those people, not for you on the sidelines.

 

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35 minutes ago, Marshmellow12 said:

all the sudden they start posting on Facebook about it daily

she was ill and posted on Facebook daily. 

If your sister in law is an annoyance to you, simply delete and block her from your social media. Unfriend, mute, whatever it takes.

Whatever ax there is to grind can be avoided if you avoid the social media musings of someone you dislike. Don't drive yourself nuts judging people. Not worth your time.

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You can take that person off your feed if he/she is annoying you. Take breaks from social media if it helps. There's no point getting annoyed over someone who probably has no care in the world for you nor has any thought of you ever crossed her mind. How others react to illness and death are really up to them. As long as it's not hurtful to you or other members of your family, try not to let it get to you. 

I'm so sorry about the loss of your aunt. 

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I agree with others, out of sight, out of mind if you either snooze or delete her from your FB.  Whatever other people do is their business good, bad or indifferent.  Just don't care what SIL does.  Only be concerned with what you do and your life. 

There are several people whom I don't admire in my family tree whether relatives or in-laws.  All I can do is be a peaceful person.  I don't have to love nor hate them.  However, I stay out of their way, won't bother them but they sure as heck better not bother me either.  This is the deal even though they don't know it because I'm passive towards them.  I'm kind and nice albeit from a safe, frosty distance.  It works.  You ought to try it.  Just be civil but natural. 

My SIL was the same way as your SIL.  My husband and SIL's aunt moved to SIL's county in hospice care.  SIL never visited her aunt during the entire time this aunt was in hospice care which was disgusting.  Then when this aunt was a few days away from death, SIL FINALLY visited her aunt.  There's nothing I can do about it and you can't do anything about your SIL either. 

Some people say, "Better late than never."  Who are we to judge about that?

I'm sorry for your loss. 

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1 hour ago, Marshmellow12 said:

. . . all the sudden they start posting on Facebook about it daily and claiming to be soooo close to that person. . . 

Social media is one great big exercise in posturing.  Don't place any stock in it.

And someone's relationship with someone else, even if it's in-laws, is really none of your business anyway.  That's their problem.  Sure it's annoying but I'd focus on your own relationships.

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I have relatives and in-laws who irritate me, too with what they do.  I figure as long as they don't bother me,  I don't care.  Whatever other people do is perfectly fine with me as long as it does NOT involve me.  If you change your mindset to how I think, you will feel more nonchalant.  People who don't matter or who don't behave decently and honorably are a waste of your time, energy and resources.  Concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy because this new mindset will make you feel secure and content.  If you don't approve of another person's behavior, for example, your SIL, simply let them live their life however way they see fit.  The good news is,  their disdainful behavior doesn't impact you negatively.  This world is filled with people who are "off" and inappropriate so you'd better grow accustomed to it.  Leave them alone and live a content life.  It's the best thing to do.

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Has she changed a dynamic for you by being back in her father's life?

One way that might be helpful to avoid judging someone else for how they handle their tragedies is to envision how it would feel to have someone grind the same lack of generosity toward you during one of your own.

Head high, and raise your bar. You will thank yourself for this later.

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