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I’m involved with a man who doesn’t date because of his religious beliefs. How do I tell him I want him in my life?


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This man and I met 2 years ago on Instagram by chance and we’ve been talking day and night ever since. It’s always been remotely sexual and somewhat romantic since probably the first couple of days we texted. We’re countries apart and he’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t date due to his religious beliefs and is waiting until marriage to do anything, which I’ve respected for all this time. For context, in his culture, dating isn’t allowed because the families of the two candidates aren’t bonded, and therefore family members all need to agree and get along before they get married.

I let him know directly countless times that to me he’s more than just a sexual relief and that i still want him in my life even if he can’t give me the love that I want. He’s indirectly told me that I’ve “made his heart flutter” and that he’s “had to walk into a room alone to calm down” because of me. It was enough for me to get the hint that my feelings were mutual, but I think he feels religious guilt or he feels like he’s leading me on because he can’t date.

I want to make this clear in the comments, this person isn’t my boyfriend. I respect his beliefs and don’t want him to feel guilt because of me. We’ve never put a label on what we are and we’re both fine with that for now. However as time went on I somewhat figured out that I cared about this man more than I think he knows. I want to meet him after the pandemic and see if we’d be compatible together in marriage but I don’t know how to go about it.

I don’t want to give up on him just yet so I was thinking that I could travel to where he is as a holiday and spend a few days with him as friends. If it works out, things will get a lot more complicated and if it doesn’t work out, I’ve just lost the person I care most about in life. I’m so stuck and I don’t understand why this is so hard.

Even so, if I go through with this, during those few days I’d like to ask him how he feels about me without beating around the bush in texts and calls. I want to ask him whether he sees me in his future and ask him if he’d wait for the both of us to be ready to start something serious and connect our families.

Is this too much? Any ideas on what I could do to let my feelings be known to him? Should I just be happy with what the two of us have and move on from this idea?

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1 hour ago, Delia said:

This man and I met 2 years ago on Instagram by chance and we’ve been talking day and night ever since. It’s always been remotely sexual and somewhat romantic since probably the first couple of days we texted. We’re countries apart and he’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t date due to his religious beliefs and is waiting until marriage

Sorry this is happening. Doesn't date for religious reasons? Then don't be a free sexting, webcam whatever service for him.

Delete and block him.

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I would not meet this person in person -this stranger for purposes of any sort of romantic relationship.  He's told you his boundaries from early on.  He's a chat buddy you flirt with.  Do you want a romantic relationship in your life?  If so I'd distance myself from this person since a person who wants to be with you might not be comfortable with you interacting with this person in the way you do.  

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Move on from this idea.  He's just a pen pal.  His situation is too impractical for you, he's in another country, it's an expensive inconvenience to see each other, there is no future together and you're wasting your time, energy and resources on an effort in futility. 

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What a complete waste of your life.  

What makes you think that he or his family would accept you due to religious differences?   It doesn't even really sound like he is interested than more than convo and flirting.   You  haven't met this guy and you are talking marriage?!

You haven't met and live on different continents.   This is fantasy. 

Why have you allowed yourself to get involved with someone where there is no future?    Why aren't you dating local instead of seeking attention online?

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"If it works out, things will get a lot more complicated and if it doesn’t work out, I’ve just lost the person I care most about in life. I’m so stuck and I don’t understand why this is so hard."

It's hard because it doesn't sound like you've got a secure support network where you are and this person has become your emotional support. I'd look around you and see what's lacking in your personal life, find local support - friends, organizations, work, things, interests that make you happy. 

You've somehow found support with someone countries away, as you describe, and this doesn't ring any alarm bells to you nor has it been a deterrent so maybe ask yourself why? Why did you have to look so far for support or why were you vulnerable to this type of interaction? 

He seems inexperienced, shy, naive, sheltered. I'd also explore why this seems attractive to you? Have you been taken advantage of in the past or find local dating too intimidating? All hard questions and maybe it's too hard to look at right now. 

I agree it's impractical but it might be helpful to take a closer look at why this situation was appealing at all to start and why it's so hard to understand why it's not practical or helpful to you. 

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It's so easy to fall in love with the fantasies we can create 'about' a person. While it's difficult to move past that into 'dis-illusion-ment,' it's worth the effort.

I'd consider why my ego is so attached to the idea of trying to manipulate a futile situation.

I'd move my focus onto finding myself a real life passion, instead.

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