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Very unsure about what happened in my relationship/breakup, would greatly appreciate opinions/advice


artsygirl

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Hi, all. Would really appreciate some advice on the below as I'm just feeling a bit low about the situation.

My ex and I (both 24) have been broken up now for about 2 weeks. We met online, and we talked for 7-8 weeks (which was a 'request' on my end, as I wanted to build a good connection/bond before we met in person). We built a wonderful connection, and he did so much of the chasing. He would send me lovely texts and voicenotes just saying the sweetest things. When we met in person, our connection just developed, and as we had been talking for 2 months already, after 3 pretty quick consecutive dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He also told me he loved me a week later. We would see each other 2-3 times a week as we both work busy jobs, and we kept in great regular communication. For my birthday and Christmas, he spent over £400 on me combined, and I did the same for his birthday and Christmas too. The presents he bought me were really thoughtful.
Due to the pandemic, I relocated briefly to work from my parents' place (about an hour away). We decided (and he encouraged me on this) that it was better for me to have regular contact with people 24/7 than to be alone in my flat where he could only see me a few hours a week. Things were ok, but then I started noticing some emotional distance, not just physical.
One day, he asked me out of the blue 'what is it you like about being in a relationship with me?' I was a bit insulted by this question, as I have been a really loving and giving partner to him, and I also didn't like how he suddenly landed that question on me out of the blue. This turned into a bit of a disagreement, and he said that sometimes he felt he could be anybody, and that I was only with him because I liked being in a relationship (he was my first relationship). I assured him that that was nonsense, and the situation wasn't really talked about again. That was the last day he told me loved me. A week later, we had a phonecall and he seemed very off. He'd said he was having a stressful time at work, so I really didn't want to push the concerns about our relationship on him, but yeah, he was very off in the phonecall. I asked him if everything was ok and he said it was. 10 minutes after leaving the phonecall, he dumped me via text saying:

  • I deserve the world but he can't give it to me

  • He wants to work on himself

  • He doesn't feel the same

We had a phonecall after which I largely don't remember as I was so upset.

We had booked a trip away and the trip was in my name. Due to the pandemic, we were sorting rearranging the date of the trip, but as he broke up with me, I got a refund. We went halves on the trip, so in the days following the breakup, I had to liaise with him about returning this money, but it was very much a practical exchange of information, no emotions discussed, just limited/smart contact. Otherwise, it has been very much no contact. We haven't spoken about the relationship or breakup since.

I will be relocating back to our area soon to continue my job face to face, but I would really appreciate some advice/opinions? I don't feel like I'm getting the whole story. He orchestrated so much of our relationship and really cared for and showed me love, everyone was really surprised when he ended it. I don't understand how this collapses in a week? I know that people take time to process a breakup and whether they want to go through with it or not, but I noticed the emotional distance for a good week

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It's really hard to tell what the reasoning behind this breakup might have been. Honestly, I didn't get the full timeline, i.e. how long were you two officially together after him asking you to be his girlfriend. And how did you feel in this relationship up until relocating.

With that said, I have two assumptions:
 - due to communicating mostly online (at the beginning and in the end), you weren't actually able to form a strong bond and the distance dissolved it entirely on his part;
 - the statement how he felt you wanted to be in a relationship and it didn't matter who with may have been him projecting his feelings onto you (as, for example, cheating partners would often accuse the other party of cheating on them); maybe he's the one who liked the idea of a relationship and you were a suitable person to project it on but he didn't deeply cared to get to know you or love you;

But these are rather random shots in the dark. You don't really mention how close you've been and for how long. As to the chasing, "I love you" and the big amount of money spent - they're not necessarily evidence of deep feelings and could possibly fit under my second assumption.

People can turn in 180 degrees in less than a week, it happens. If a connection hasn't been genuine and deep, if they've met someone new and exciting, if they've been through a life-altering situation, if they have attachment issues, etc.

Anyway. I'm sorry that you might be hurting. You'll probably have to find closure without learning the true reasons behind his sudden decision. I wish you courage and strength.

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I'm sorry.  You said this is your first relationship. And the sad truth is all relationships are GREAT until their not. And as humans we all spend a lot of time and energy trying to understand what happened & why.

You may never know.  You just need to find a scenario that your brain and heart accepts and let it go. 

So much easier said than done. And takes more time than we hope it will. 

I have felt what he explained... like a person just wanted a relationship,  a warm body so to speak.  That it was not "me" that was really all that important.  I just fit the bill.

I don't know if that is necessarily your fault. Only you know that... but it is rather something in him. And a lot times when we are unhappy, it is on us to fix it. So I think he was being honest. I don't like the break up via a text but in this world of ghosting, at least he said something. 

When you get back home, just go about your life.  You'll find someone better.  ❤

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11 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

It's really hard to tell what the reasoning behind this breakup might have been. Honestly, I didn't get the full timeline, i.e. how long were you two officially together after him asking you to be his girlfriend. And how did you feel in this relationship up until relocating.
 

Thank you so much for your advice, JoyfulCompany. To clarify, we were together nearly 3 months, and I was very happy in the relationship, right up until it ended, and I had no inclincation/worry that he had any doubts that he may be unhappy until that week

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12 minutes ago, Lambert said:

II have felt what he explained... like a person just wanted a relationship,  a warm body so to speak.  That it was not "me" that was really all that important.  I just fit the bill.

I don't know if that is necessarily your fault. Only you know that... but it is rather something in him. And a lot times when we are unhappy, it is on us to fix it. So I think he was being honest. I don't like the break up via a text but in this world of ghosting, at least he said something. 

Thank you for your advice, Lambert. I'm so sorry that you have felt like you were on the receiving end of this, I can imagine it must not feel nice. It upsets me that he really did think this was the case, I cared for him very deeply, and he knew I had rejected others in the past who wanted more with me. 

I do plan to just carry on when I return back to that area, thanks again for your advice and words of encouragement 🙂 

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1 hour ago, artsygirl said:

Thank you for your advice, Lambert. I'm so sorry that you have felt like you were on the receiving end of this, I can imagine it must not feel nice. It upsets me that he really did think this was the case, I cared for him very deeply, and he knew I had rejected others in the past who wanted more with me. 

I do plan to just carry on when I return back to that area, thanks again for your advice and words of encouragement 🙂 

Aww thanks!

If anyone is unhappy in their relationship, it is on them to communicate those needs. So it was unfair if him to say those things and not give you an opportunity to be more supportive. 

That is not love.  So maybe this loss was really a gain. 

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Things rarely ever feel complete or like you've got the full story right after a break up. It's a mish mash of confusion and emotions. Please don't be too hard on yourself for not fully understanding what happened. Slowly over the coming weeks things will become clearer. The kindest thing to do is to give yourself that breathing room and time to process what happened and where you're going next. 

Instead of reaching out to him you can always post here and keep us updated. Whatever he is going through are things that he is going through so resist the urge to take on more than you should. Stay in tune with yourself and your own needs and other commitments such as work. You can ride this out by being more mindful of how you spend your energies, get enough sleep, eat well and stay hydrated. 💙

 

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18 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Aww thanks!

If anyone is unhappy in their relationship, it is on them to communicate those needs. So it was unfair if him to say those things and not give you an opportunity to be more supportive. 

That is not love.  So maybe this loss was really a gain. 

Thank you, and yes, I agree. I believe there were communication issues on both end here- he should have said something in that week, and I should have been more upfront about my worries about him growing distance. I think he does feel guilty for how this has all played out (from the way he was talking in the communication about the money refund- he tried to get me to keep a chunk of his money as we lost some on the deposit).

Nonetheless, there is no point going into too much analysis (that's all I felt like I've done these past few weeks!), but the advice I have received from both you and other posters has been really supportive and helpful. Thank you so much!

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9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Things rarely ever feel complete or like you've got the full story right after a break up. It's a mish mash of confusion and emotions. Please don't be too hard on yourself for not fully understanding what happened. Slowly over the coming weeks things will become clearer. The kindest thing to do is to give yourself that breathing room and time to process what happened and where you're going next. 

Instead of reaching out to him you can always post here and keep us updated. Whatever he is going through are things that he is going through so resist the urge to take on more than you should. Stay in tune with yourself and your own needs and other commitments such as work. You can ride this out by being more mindful of how you spend your energies, get enough sleep, eat well and stay hydrated. 💙

 

Thank you Rose Mosse, yes, I agree. I'm not going to reach out to him as at this stage, I feel largely better having not done so. The exchanges I had to have with him about returning the money I found really difficult and almost put me back to square one of the breakup. I don't intend to speak to him (if I initiate it) anytime soon, nor do I really have reason to.

I am a key worker in this pandemic and have a lot of responsibility, so I intend to focus my efforts here and just completely clean and revamp my living space when I return to my flat to continue my job. Thanks for your kind words, I will keep this space updated if there are any new developments 🙂 

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I'm sorry you're hurting.  I think you got too attached from typing and talking instead of meeting -somehow  you thought he was "chasing" you even before you met - but before you met he was a stranger for purposes of any kind of romantic relationship, right?  Then it sounds like you both embarked on a speed of light insta-relationship.  He then realized a few months in -when many people realize- that he'd moved too fast and wasn't as into you as he thought he was.  It's kind of typical in this situation and I'm really sorry it happened to you because I know you're disappointed.  You describe this relationship as it if were long term but it sounds like your time in person was only a couple of months.  I'm sorry!

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33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're hurting.  I think you got too attached from typing and talking instead of meeting -somehow  you thought he was "chasing" you even before you met - but before you met he was a stranger for purposes of any kind of romantic relationship, right?  Then it sounds like you both embarked on a speed of light insta-relationship.  He then realized a few months in -when many people realize- that he'd moved too fast and wasn't as into you as he thought he was.  It's kind of typical in this situation and I'm really sorry it happened to you because I know you're disappointed.  You describe this relationship as it if were long term but it sounds like your time in person was only a couple of months.  I'm sorry!

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, Batya33. It's a shame, but I agree, he perhaps had the time to reflect on the fast moving nature of the relationship and realised his feelings weren't what he thought they were. Just to clarify about the chasing, he would often express how excited he was to meet me, that he could tell from our chats/phonecalls that he wanted to be around me for a long time. We would have phonecalls that were upwards of 3/4 hours at a time. I definitely got the vibe that he was interested.

But I do agree with you, it's a huge shame for me, and I know he feels bad for breaking this off, but I'm grateful that he did it sooner rather than lead me on (his words). I'll heal eventually, but thank you again for your advice 🙂 

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4 hours ago, artsygirl said:

He would send me lovely texts and voicenotes just saying the sweetest things. When we met in person, our connection just developed, and as we had been talking for 2 months already, after 3 pretty quick consecutive dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He also told me he loved me a week later. We would see each other 2-3 times a week as we both work busy jobs, and we kept in great regular communication.

- Is not love, sorry.. Love develops over time....

HE rushed right into things too much too fast - for whatever reason ( some do this due to a recent break up- trying to get over an ex..)

 

4 hours ago, artsygirl said:

. I asked him if everything was ok and he said it was. 10 minutes after leaving the phonecall, he dumped me via text saying:

  • I deserve the world but he can't give it to me

  • He wants to work on himself

  • He doesn't feel the same

Excuses... to get out of this.

 

4 hours ago, artsygirl said:

He orchestrated so much of our relationship and really cared for and showed me love, everyone was really surprised when he ended it. I don't understand how this collapses in a week? I know that people take time to process a breakup and whether they want to go through with it or not, but I noticed the emotional distance for a good week

Sorry, he was never really in it 😞 

He pulled you in, quickly.  Then within a short amt of time ( cpl months?) realized he couldn't do it.

It didn't collapse in a week, he was never truly into it.  Not as deeply as you were- much easier to remove himself when not emotionally invested.

It sounds like a whirlwind and YOU got taken for a ride,, selfish of him though 😞 

Let this be a lesson... to give things time.. and to not believe everything you hear. Love takes time to flourish and true feelings to evolve.

Sorry you had to experience this.. sadly, we get all kinds.

Remove him from your life, totally!

Work through this experience & get yourself back to good. ❤️ 

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16 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

- Is not love, sorry.. Love develops over time....

HE rushed right into things too much too fast - for whatever reason ( some do this due to a recent break up- trying to get over an ex..)

 

Excuses... to get out of this.

 

Sorry, he was never really in it 😞 

He pulled you in, quickly.  Then within a short amt of time ( cpl months?) realized he couldn't do it.

It didn't collapse in a week, he was never truly into it.  Not as deeply as you were- much easier to remove himself when not emotionally invested.

It sounds like a whirlwind and YOU got taken for a ride,, selfish of him though 😞 

Let this be a lesson... to give things time.. and to not believe everything you hear. Love takes time to flourish and true feelings to evolve.

Sorry you had to experience this.. sadly, we get all kinds.

Remove him from your life, totally!

Work through this experience & get yourself back to good. ❤️ 

A tough pill to swallow. Thank you, SooSad33. I really appreciate the time you took to go into this. I've been so largely confused about everything that went on, but I have come to realise over the last couple of weeks that the fast moving nature of the relationship should have raised alarms. I know my guy is out there somewhere ❤️ 

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1 hour ago, artsygirl said:

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, Batya33. It's a shame, but I agree, he perhaps had the time to reflect on the fast moving nature of the relationship and realised his feelings weren't what he thought they were. Just to clarify about the chasing, he would often express how excited he was to meet me, that he could tell from our chats/phonecalls that he wanted to be around me for a long time. We would have phonecalls that were upwards of 3/4 hours at a time. I definitely got the vibe that he was interested.

But I do agree with you, it's a huge shame for me, and I know he feels bad for breaking this off, but I'm grateful that he did it sooner rather than lead me on (his words). I'll heal eventually, but thank you again for your advice 🙂 

That's not chasing.  That's showing interest in chatting with you and getting to know you.  Nothing to do with interest in dating you because you weren't dating -he was a chat buddy you flirted with.  It's nice to say you're excited to meet someone.  It's nice to have long phone conversations with a new friend.  But watch the feet -a person's actions -not the lips.  You set the tone by wanting to drag out the typing and talking (and the fantasy) without meeting - so he followed suit and remained your chat buddy.  A stranger for all romantic purposes.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  Take actions -when it's covid-safe -to meet men and women in person and network and socialize and get out there.  Women can introduce you to single guys ,too.

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14 hours ago, artsygirl said:

... he said that sometimes he felt he could be anybody, and that I was only with him because I liked being in a relationship (he was my first relationship). I assured him that that was nonsense, and the situation wasn't really talked about again.

My heart goes out to you.

This ^^^ was your opportunity to learn what his distancing was about.

You were too offended to encourage him to open up by asking him more about this. Instead, you went defensive and dismissed what he was trying to say.

That may have been his point.

Early chemistry can mimic simpatico, but over time we learn whether someone is actually interested in plugging into us--or with us. It sounds as though he was offering one last chance for the two of you to do that.

He didn't believe that what he raised was nonsense.

 

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He gave you one of those typical, old lines of:  "It's not you, it's me" syndrome.  Same old song and nothing new.  It's nothing I hadn't heard before.   He's creating drama. 

He is not humble enough to admit and tell you the truth because he doesn't want to be perceived as weak and disdainful in your mind.  A humble guy would've told you that he's no longer interested in you yet he fed you the line of:  "It's not you, it's me" which are junk words.  He burned out from the relationship quickly.  To him, the relationship fizzled and no longer exciting for him.  He grew bored.  He's looking forward to a new adventure.  He wants to move on so let him. 

He grew tired of you and wants his freedom to do whatever he wants, when he wants with whom he wants ~ without you in the picture.  I'm sorry.  To him, you were just a passing fancy and nothing serious long term. 

Be brave, courageous, stay strong and I hope you recover and heal well post-break up.  Give yourself time.  Someday sooner than you think, your wounds will become dull and he will become a blurry, historical, distant memory.  Hang tough.

He didn't deserve you and you deserve to be with an honorable man who has utmost integrity.  The remainder of guys aren't worth your time, energy, patience and resources.  You can do better!  Chin up.

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13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you.

This ^^^ was your opportunity to learn what his distancing was about.

You were too offended to encourage him to open up by asking him more about this. Instead, you went defensive and dismissed what he was trying to say.

That may have been his point.

Early chemistry can mimic simpatico, but over time we learn whether someone is actually interested in plugging into us--or with us. It sounds as though he was offering one last chance for the two of you to do that.

He didn't believe that what he raised was nonsense.

 

Thank you very much for this perspective, Catfeeder. This is offering me lots of insight as to how I could have handled it. I certainly didn't mean for it to to be perceived that way, I think I focused more on my own feelings of offense instead of thinking about the bigger picture. I do believe that this conversation was a bit of a turning point (I noticed things went downhill after that, mainly him stop telling me that he loved me and grew distant). Thanks again for your advice and thoughts 🙂 

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10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

He gave you one of those typical, old lines of:  "It's not you, it's me" syndrome.  Same old song and nothing new.  It's nothing I hadn't heard before.   He's creating drama. 

He is not humble enough to admit and tell you the truth because he doesn't want to be perceived as weak and disdainful in your mind.  A humble guy would've told you that he's no longer interested in you yet he fed you the line of:  "It's not you, it's me" which are junk words.  He burned out from the relationship quickly.  To him, the relationship fizzled and no longer exciting for him.  He grew bored.  He's looking forward to a new adventure.  He wants to move on so let him. 

He grew tired of you and wants his freedom to do whatever he wants, when he wants with whom he wants ~ without you in the picture.  I'm sorry.  To him, you were just a passing fancy and nothing serious long term. 

Be brave, courageous, stay strong and I hope you recover and heal well post-break up.  Give yourself time.  Someday sooner than you think, your wounds will become dull and he will become a blurry, historical, distant memory.  Hang tough.

He didn't deserve you and you deserve to be with an honorable man who has utmost integrity.  The remainder of guys aren't worth your time, energy, patience and resources.  You can do better!  Chin up.

Thanks for this, Cherylyn. This was uplifting to hear, and yes, unfortunately, I do believe that what you have said is true. It's a shame, as he certainly said he saw me as long-term. I guess the situations and my relocating were just something he didn't want to be involved with, which is highly suggestive of how he really feels about me at the end of the day. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I agree with you. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts 🙂 

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4 hours ago, artsygirl said:

Thanks for this, Cherylyn. This was uplifting to hear, and yes, unfortunately, I do believe that what you have said is true. It's a shame, as he certainly said he saw me as long-term. I guess the situations and my relocating were just something he didn't want to be involved with, which is highly suggestive of how he really feels about me at the end of the day. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I agree with you. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts 🙂 

You're very welcome, artsygirl.  He could've explained his real reasons to you yet he fed you the typical line: "It's not you, it's me" junk.  Even though he said he saw you as long term, actions speak louder than words and he obviously didn't back up his words with his actions as you can attest.  Yes, it's a tough pill to swallow.  It was not all in vain though.  Consider it wisdom gained for you.  In the future, you'll be more wary and jaded for a reason.  You will tread cautiously and remain realistic always.  These are your key takeaways.  You will get through this and your day in the sun will come.  Hang in there.  🙂

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5 hours ago, artsygirl said:

Thank you very much for this perspective, Catfeeder. This is offering me lots of insight as to how I could have handled it. I certainly didn't mean for it to to be perceived that way, I think I focused more on my own feelings of offense instead of thinking about the bigger picture. I do believe that this conversation was a bit of a turning point (I noticed things went downhill after that, mainly him stop telling me that he loved me and grew distant). Thanks again for your advice and thoughts 🙂 

It's very brave to consider a POV that doesn't slide right into our own narrative, and this skill will take you far. One of the most helpful things I've learned is that whenever I'm hurt or offended, that's the time to drop my impulses and offer instead some questions to hear what is behind the insult.

Otherwise, it's just two people right-fighting with their masks. That deprives us of valuable information.

We might still end up feeling hurt or offended, but with nothing further lost and possibly a clearer view gained of what, exactly, might be driving the insult. From there, we can operate on real information rather than wondering what-the-hell happened, and we might even find a way to negotiate the kind of change the other wants in exchange for an opportunity to model for that person the degree of generosity we hope to see from them when it's our turn to raise an issue.

Head high, and trust that the right match for you will 'get you'.

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