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My ex GF threw me off and I'm confused


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This is the short version of my story. I dated this amazing girl for nearly 2 years. We have a five year age gap. I went on a series of bad dates prior to meeting her and knew immediately she was different. I met her entire family and she met mine. We went on many vacations and trips and she moved into my apartment with my roommate after around 5 months of dating. We were best friends (she said that to me the last time I saw her that I am her best friend), did everything together and talked about marriage and said I love you always. I work from home and we spent a lot of time together and I didn't always make the efforts to do things outside of the apartment. But I always did things that I thought were nice, like drive for her, put her laundry in and make sure everything was clean. I truly love her. So anyway fast forward to prior to COVID, and we had been arguing over the dumbest things and it just got worse. Then, she apologized to me for saying "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want" in terms of sex for just under a month. I grew super worried about this and wanted to reach out to a third party person who was a girl and someone who I thought would help. It was a friend of mine who slept with many years ago and gives good advice. I didn't have her number saved and of course it was the worst situation possible as I showered and came out to her going through my texts and reading them. She considered that cheating, I felt awful and definitely wasn't happy she went through my phone but her point was much more warranted. Clearly she had stuff on her mind if she is even going through my phone. We had gotten into a routine, especially during COVID but even prior to where we are in the apartment a lot and that falls on me but I never stopped trying. Regardless were broke up in the early summer months and then I got COVID and was quarantined for over a month. She moved home with her parents and then we met shortly before we both moved into 1-bedroom apartments. She still had some stuff at my place. I genuinely apologized to her for what happened and tried everything in my power to win her back. We hung out 3 times (several times at my place for dinner and movies) and it sure seemed like we were just on a break and we were destined to be together. She was dressing up for me like when we used to go out and the first time we hung out after her getting her stuff, so I guess a real date we nearly had sex but I stopped it because I wanted to make sure this is what she wanted. Fast forward to hangout 4 and she text me a week prior saying I'm nervous about meeting up. I knew what was coming. She said a week prior after a phone call (via text) that it felt different talking to me. She then said in the meetup at her place that she still loved me, and missed me and I was her first love but she couldn't be with me. She also repeated that she was happy right now on her own. So I couldn't do anything else I hugged her goodbye and that was it. This was in Sept. She said at the time of the breakup (mid-June) that she isn't going to date for a long long time and asked me what I was going to do and I said I didn't want to think about that. In Nov., I scroll through Tinder during a lonely night even tho I have no interest in even dating anyone new since I'm very distraught daily and there she was with a bio talking about being single and the possibilities that it brings. Broke my heart. I text with her up until early Dec. when I did a no contact for 30 days and took a stab at hey how are you can we maybe hang out. She said sorry I'm not comfortable doing that. So, I took that as it wasn't fully out of her mind. Then at the end of last month, I did the same and caved one night with emotions getting to me. Basically the same check in text from with a question of can we hang out. She said this time basically what is the point, I don't see why we need to. Move ahead to two days ago and she unfollowed me on Instagram (but still follows my sister, mom and best friend - who she liked his pic with me and his brother from just a week ago). Anyway she had being looking at my story often on IG and that made me think it wasn't fully over (especially since my IG is just for work and doesn't contain any pictures of me). Then the same night of the unfollow, I was going to sleep and I saw she had a story on her IG and it was a picture of a guy smiling and her tapping drinks with him on a night out). I immediately unfollowed and blocked her. Just to be clear this was my only outlet of seeing any of her stuff besides flat out texting or calling her. I don't use any other social media. I'm still as heartbroken as I was as the day we broke up and I feel like I deserve another chance as I know I gave 100 percent and would know now what to alter to make it better for her. I understand her desire to take a break but the unfollow, post with him and moving on like that is awful to take in. Any advice? I've heard it all from focus on yourself, date new girls, find hobbies. Right now, it isn't easy with COVID and my mental space. My job is the only thing keeping me sane and honestly I'm just floating through life even when I see friends or family. It has been a rough stretch. Everything reminds me of her. I'm definitely upset and hope that she still will eventually want to be with me. But it is hard for me to wait for that moment and I'm definitely not going to jump back in her arms if that day even ever comes which doesn't seem likely.

Thanks. 

Edited by JCP739
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30 minutes ago, JCP739 said:

 I grew super worried about this and wanted to reach out to a third party person who was a girl and someone who I thought would help.

Sorry this happened. After 2 years together, n moving out is a step away from the relationship. You betrayed her by going to an ex for advice. 

It seems like she needs someone more serious, faithful and able to commit. Not your strong suit if your texting exes the nanosecond sex drops off.

Delete and block her and move forward. This is a done deal. And do not text her when your next relationships tanks and you need advice.

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Listen I fully appreciate your advice here. But to be honest, if she is going through my phone she was at the point of not trusting me (which had done nothing prior to prove that). She told me her previous relationships the guys treated her awful so I did everything in my power to treat her right. I owned up to the mistake of the text to my friend who happened to be a girl. I admitted it was wrong to say I'm not serious, faithful or ready to commit off that is just offensive. I do not believe that it "is a done deal."

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You were texting her up until December. So in reality your psyche thought you were still in the relationship until then. The actual break didn't occur until then. So you are really only about two months out of the breakup.

She has chosen to move on, so you really have no choice but to do the same.

Once you acknowledge that letting go is the right thing to do you will start feeling better. You'll realize you two were not right for one another...if you were you wouldn't have slacked off and she wouldn't have felt the need to go through your phone.

BTW, communicating about your relationship with a woman you've had sex with is a really, really bad idea. I hope you realize that now.

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Yes, I agree with that time frame that it really has only been since December. I am well aware that it is a horrible idea. But again I owned up to it. And to be honest, she obviously was not happy prior to that point it seems. I was just clueless. But I owned up to my mistakes and learned from it. We are right for each other and I will always believe that whether she gives me another chance or not.

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My guess is she already had one foot out the door, and this was her convenient ticket out.  Although you owned your part in contacting this other women, which was wrong, I feel she made up her mind prior to this incident.

I'm sorry this happened and this is, JMO...

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I have to agree. The no-sex period and constant fighting certainly had her mind thinking that way and my idiot move I view as the tipping point. But the post breakup stuff is more confusing perhaps she thought she could make it work but she viewed me differently. I hope she is happy as can be but selfishly I'd like for her to give me another chance at some point down the road. Even tho I shouldn't sit around hoping for that if a ton of time passes by. I appreciate that response it was very thought out

 

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This is over!  Block and delete her, as she has moved on.  
 

Do  not date anyone  as that would be unfair to them.  Do try to hang out with friends or find new activities.  Keep busy  for your own sanity. 

Edited by Hollyj
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2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

This is over!  Block and delete her, as she has moved on.  
 

Di  not date anyone rise as that would be unfair to them.  Do try to hand with friends or find new activities.  Keep busy ! 

Holly, your autocorrect is out of control!  LOL

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You need to really work on your inner strength.

As mentioned, is only recent, since you've truly backed off?  Then you have not yet begun to work on accepting and healing from this 😞 

Yes, loss is hard.. but all you're doing is not helping you.  In order to accept & heal, we need to stop all interaction. ( less we know the better).  No texts.. No contact.  NOTHING.

From there, time.....  In time it will easy off.. and you can work through this. (if it is too much, you can look into some prof help).

If she was wanting to get back with you, she would contact you.  So often though, after first break up, a second attempt is similar.

So... turn this around and focus on YOU now.... Yes, this stuff happens.. and we need to accept.

One day at a time.. move ahead.

 

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