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Fly on the wall to a friend’s emotional maelstrom

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You might want to check out the book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. She may look like the 'taker,' but you are experiencing a benefit from this dynamic, as well. Is that benefit healthy? Probably not.

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Sorry I really can't follow all that you wrote - a lot of words and a lot of references I don't relate to!  Nothing to do with altruism -most people who help their friends are not 100% altruistic and to me that's not essential or the goal.  I was referring to your specific actions and dynamic.  

I don't think it's appropriate or helpful for you to attempt to shelter her from the consequences of her actions. Maybe if she was a child and you were the mom. Maybe then in certain situations.  Not your situation.

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Posted (edited)

Still feeling guilty about not telling her about the first fire attack. I stand by my reasons (seeing no point in adding to her worry, also dreading the inevitable debut of this news on her drama Facebook channel). But if I’d comprehended that 3 days later they’d be back to finish the job *shakes head*

There is this tiny handful of clothing items I grabbed the night I found out about the first fire attack, they sit in my hallway reminding me that I knew and I said nothing. At some point she’ll come to collect them, they’ll remind her that I knew and I said nothing. Guilt intensifies. 

I realise this is a glass half empty perspective, that’s the perspective she has. I won’t be surprised if this, her breakdown and my reaction to it ends the friendship. Which is pretty sad making (she’s not normally so much drama and it bums me out that in a mental health crisis I react in unhelpful ways).

But then on the other hand. Before the fire she was giving a very good impression of someone who didn’t care to sort out some kind of retrieval of their things from the house they abandoned. Maybe the full implications of losing it hadn’t sunk in. Certainly I assumed she had a month or two to come to her senses, and that the end destination if she didn’t would be a skip, maybe she assumed the same. Landlords who burn down their houses before the tenant has even been formally evicted really Really suck!


(On the topic of how much time 1a1a has lost to this crisis, today, none at all, aside from hindsight beating me with a stick in the wee hours of the night, the day has been serene)

Edited by 1a1a
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