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Help! I think my husband has been masturbating when he thinks I’m asleep


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So, last week (maybe even two weeks ago) I started randomly waking up in the middle of the night. I didn’t really know why but then after laying there for a second, I realized the bed was moving and it looked like my husband was masturbating.. it bothered me but I just rolled over and tried to ignore it because I didn’t want to embarrass him. Sex has always been a big thing for me in a relationship and especially in my marriage but I’m 30 weeks pregnant and I’ve been slacking a tad BUT if he ever comes on to me, I never turn him down.. I just haven’t initiated anything lately, which is ultimately why I decided not to let it get to me. As the weeks have gone on, it has made me not even want to sleep in the same bed as him.. the last two nights he’s been more obvious than usual.. he put a pair of underwear under his pillow when he thought I had dozed off and then it was HOURS of messing with himself on and off before he actually relieved himself.. he doesn’t cuddle me or try to come on to me.. it literally seems like he waits me out until I’m asleep and just goes to town.. so the last two nights after he is done, I grab my pillows and go sleep on the couch. He asked me why I did it last night and I semi confronted him about the jacking off while I’m laying next to him.. he completely denied it and got super defensive so I haven’t tried to talk about it again. I understand if he wants to get himself off every now and then but I would like to not know about it... also, I feel like him jacking himself off in bed is pretty much eliminating any chance of us having an intimate relationship. I would like to get this straightened out before our baby gets here. 

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Well, if he's going to be defensive about it and you're going to act like he's doing something wrong. I don't see anything changing. 

You probably need to change your approach.  Be more understanding and loving about it. 

Even if it's just hugging him and saying something like - I know I haven't been in the mood lately but I do want us to continue to have a loving physical relationship. Your needs matter to me. 

You can let him know what you need in a way that isn't judging him or explicitly saying,  I don't want to know when you masterbate or make him feel bad about something he has been doing long before you got together (smile) 

 

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19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why? It seems like you are both well aware why he is avoiding sex at the moment, no?

Why would we avoid sex? If you’re referring to me being pregnant- that’s never stopped us before. If we are avoiding sex then I’m very unaware of it. We completely stopped having sex once this started. 

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33 minutes ago, Preggo1 said:

We’ve been having sex, but not since this has started. I have never denied him sex but he’s quit coming to me for it, so it seems 

Maybe he feels like you're too far along now. I don't know. You might have to ask him. 

Could he have been doing this for longer than you think? Like you started waking up but maybe you didn't before? 

You said you haven't been initiating,  maybe you should. 

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I think you need to talk with him and don't close down the communication. The only people in this marriage (hopefully) are him and you and this isn't going to get better if both of you isolate yourselves or build walls in the marriage. It takes a lot of effort to come together and build that commitment. Think about the energy it's taking to come apart.

I'm getting the sense that you're coming from a place of anxiety and real fear... that he is neglecting you on purpose and choosing to disrespect you. I think these are valid. It's ok to masturbate. It's not ok to keep your partner up jiggling the bed. There's the masturbation and then there's everything else, keeping you up or you feeling disrespected or neglected or living in fear or not feeling loved.

Open up the communication again and enjoy doing the things that both brought you together.

Keep us posted. 

 

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He might be worried about sending you into premature labor.  Unless your doctor has forbidden sex (mine did), there's no reason why you can't.  But many men don't know a whole lot about pregnancy.  Maybe someone told him not to bug you or something.

I presume you love your husband so an honest talk is in order.  And please don't lead with "It really makes me feel awful when you masturbate while we are in bed together!!"  Try "I've noticed you masturbating in our bed.  I'm completely willing to still have sex with you.  Do you have some concerns about having sex with me?"  Give him a chance to tell you his side.

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You are worried about your husband masturbating next to you??? You should be worried about him doing things behind your back. This will lead him to do such...just being realistic. 

If you are so hung up about him pleasuring himself while you are together, (plus you're pregnant)  it sounds like you both have problems that we can't help you with. 

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Ask him to use the bathroom or some other place for that if it wakes you up or disturbs you. Why dance around the elephant in the room? 🐘

Even if he denies it. Simply state that if he needs to take care of himself to use another location before he comes to bed. 

However that doesn't seem as much as a problem as your insistence that you "don't deny him". Are you afraid he doesn't find you attractive this late in the preganacy?

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On 2/12/2021 at 5:17 PM, Preggo1 said:

I understand if he wants to get himself off every now and then but I would like to not know about it.

I can understand the awkwardness of waking up to that. I would want him to go in another room, too.

On 2/12/2021 at 5:17 PM, Preggo1 said:

... also, I feel like him jacking himself off in bed is pretty much eliminating any chance of us having an intimate relationship. I would like to get this straightened out before our baby gets here. 

Do you think he may deny the fact that he is masturbating because he knows that you feel threatened by it?

 

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On 2/12/2021 at 10:17 PM, Preggo1 said:

So, last week (maybe even two weeks ago) I started randomly waking up in the middle of the night. I didn’t really know why but then after laying there for a second, I realized the bed was moving and it looked like my husband was masturbating.. it bothered me but I just rolled over and tried to ignore it because I didn’t want to embarrass him. Sex has always been a big thing for me in a relationship and especially in my marriage but I’m 30 weeks pregnant and I’ve been slacking a tad BUT if he ever comes on to me, I never turn him down.. I just haven’t initiated anything lately, which is ultimately why I decided not to let it get to me. As the weeks have gone on, it has made me not even want to sleep in the same bed as him.. the last two nights he’s been more obvious than usual.. he put a pair of underwear under his pillow when he thought I had dozed off and then it was HOURS of messing with himself on and off before he actually relieved himself.. he doesn’t cuddle me or try to come on to me.. it literally seems like he waits me out until I’m asleep and just goes to town.. so the last two nights after he is done, I grab my pillows and go sleep on the couch. He asked me why I did it last night and I semi confronted him about the jacking off while I’m laying next to him.. he completely denied it and got super defensive so I haven’t tried to talk about it again. I understand if he wants to get himself off every now and then but I would like to not know about it... also, I feel like him jacking himself off in bed is pretty much eliminating any chance of us having an intimate relationship. I would like to get this straightened out before our baby gets here. 

I completely get this! I woke up the other morning to my boyfriend watching porn and pleasuring himself in the bed right next to me. He quickly turned the screen off on the iPad and pulled the duvet over himself hoping I didn’t see or notice but I did. I knew what he was doing before I turned around because I could feel the bed moving. It took an hour of me begging him, pleading with him to just tell the truth and to stop denying it and eventually he told the truth.. Since then he’s been sleeping in another room on a blow up bed because I feel so disgusted by him that I don’t even want him next to me.. 

I don’t care what he does when I’m not around, it’s the fact I was laying in bed next to him asleep and he was doing that. Made me so angry and made me feel sick. 

I wish I had advice for you, but I’m still trying to know what to do myself. But if you want to talk, you can talk to me seeing as we’re going through a similar situation. Hope you work through it xx

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