Can this marriage even work?

[Twisted Fate]

On 2/14/2021 at 7:24 PM, catfeeder said:

Consider which is more important to you: the tattoo, or an opportunity to try again with your wife.

Thank you @catfeeder. I know. If it wasn't so visible, I would probably have an easier time. And, of course, its not just about the tattoo but all the things that are associated with it.

[Twisted Fate]

On 2/14/2021 at 7:43 PM, Hollyj said:

Do any of you date people who are single, or only pursue those who are married.  One thing you can count on, much more cheating.  This is a mess!

@Hollyj Yes we do date single people and I agree its a mess.

[Twisted Fate]

On 2/15/2021 at 5:50 AM, Spawn said:

That tattoo is really bothering you and she has some issues to sort. Have you tried relationship counselling?

Thank you @Spawn We are looking into relationship counselling. We have only been talking for a week but both of us are willing to go to a counselor. Will be looking into something very soon. 

[Twisted Fate]

On 2/15/2021 at 4:44 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, well you know how to fix it. Watch your own kids when you have custody rather than dumping them on her to babysit while you hide in video games.

This is not about tattoos. It's about a blended family and shirking your responsibility to your own kids as thier father.

Thank you @Wiseman2. Heavily agree that that was a huge issue and one that I've rectified but I don't believe its the only issue. 

[Rose Mosse]

On 2/13/2021 at 2:07 PM, Twisted Fate said:

@LambertSo, we spoke more on this today. She swears that nothing was happening between her and this ex. That he came down with his wife and she was there when the tattoo was placed. 

I started seeing my first wife after I thought she was with someone and then my current wife saw a pic of her on my bed posted on facebook and she said that that is when she started going on dates and that she has slept with people but it wasn't until after she learned I was with someone. 

 

I think, for me at least, that I felt forced into a marriage that I didn't know if I wanted. I do feel like I didn't help enough and put in the support needed to keep the marriage going. I had alot of trouble with my first marriage and I think I brought some of those scars with me. I feel a problem was that I wasnt able to communicate with my current wife without things going sideways. She can be sensitive about things and get overtly emotional and take things I say to a different meaning than I was trying to express.

This is a massive breakthrough for you if you're able to work through this in marriage counselling. You have to be honest about the issues from your first marriage and how it's impacted any trust or communication problems in your second marriage. Repair the trust between your current wife and you now. Both of you have to reaffirm that you choose each other and it's not out of obligation or fear of something else - fear of being lonely, fear of having a child out of wedlock (when she got pregnant) for example. 

I think if you can affirm your decision to be together and that commitment to each other it can work but I agree it takes two, a lot of work and dedication and loyalty from the both of you. That means deciding day after day after day to commit to each other and dedicate a big part of your life to the marriage and your life together. 

Childcare and raising your daughter or kids will come to both of you naturally once you stop avoiding how uncomfortable those issues are. If you haven't been caring for the kids or the marriage, it's only escaping reality and not being able to meet that responsibility or feel good doing so. 

Maybe this marriage won't work. You can want something a lot but it doesn't work in the end so you'll have to be prepared as mentioned earlier in one of the comments to keep working on yourself so that you can continue to be a good dad and improve as a person, regardless of whether this works out. 

 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Twisted Fate said:

Thank you @catfeeder. I know. If it wasn't so visible, I would probably have an easier time. And, of course, its not just about the tattoo but all the things that are associated with it.

You get to decide whether to view it as symbolizing a second chance, or you can grind it into a grudge and sabotage that chance.

It's not about what 'we' say, it's up to you.

[Twisted Fate]

16 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

That means deciding day after day after day to commit to each other and dedicate a big part of your life to the marriage and your life together. 

@Rose Mosse Thank you, this is so true. I'll try to practice this daily.

[Twisted Fate]

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It's not about what 'we' say, it's up to you.

Thank you @catfeeder, I know its ultimately up to me but sometimes its good to get an outside perspective and insight as it can help reevaluate our own thought processes and perhaps help change a mindset.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Twisted Fate said:

Thank you @catfeeder, I know its ultimately up to me but sometimes its good to get an outside perspective and insight as it can help reevaluate our own thought processes and perhaps help change a mindset.

I get that, but you're missing the point. Decide what you WANT. If you want to dwell on the tattoo, you can do that--it's not against the law. It's just going to sabotage whatever else you might really want, unless making yourself miserable serves you in some way.

If you want a fresh start with wife, then give that to her AND you. Picture the state you were in when you'd lost her, and decide whether you want to go back there, or whether you were sincere in your inner declaration that you'd give anything to have another shot with her.

Giving 'anything' means giving UP using the stuff that she can't change at this moment as a weapon.

This doesn't preclude you from working out with a counsellor the issues that caused your split.

But if you're going to hold yourself hostage to misery, then be honest with yourself about that. Get the kind of clarity about What You Want that nobody on this forum can give you, then shoot straight for that--and let nothing else get in your way. 

Otherwise, you're answering your own question. No, it can't work.

 

[Twisted Fate]

On 2/19/2021 at 6:57 PM, catfeeder said:

Giving 'anything' means giving UP using the stuff that she can't change at this moment as a weapon.

Bravo. Good point

[abitbroken]

If you are cheating with someone and they are unfaithful to their husband with you, what makes you believe that they would be faithful to YOU?  I think that's the crux of the matter.  Do everything you can to be the best dad, have a stable home for your child and fight for a fair share of custody- both legal custody and physical custody.   If she moved on that quickly, she already moved on long before in her mind

Be single for a good while to figure things out as a divorced dad