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Hi. I'm new to this forum

I want to ask for some insight or actually I'm hoping to get a little encouragement that all isn't lost. My ex boyfriend left me 3 months ago after a couple of weeks of fighting. There was a big fight a week before our break up that changed the dynamic between us (he wasn't as sweet or affectionate after that big fight)

 

He got stressed out by the fights that he said was aggravating his stress from work and time with his family.  

I've only started NC last week as I've repeatedly been trying to get him back in December, and in January, there was a weird phase that he kept sharing things with me that had nothing to do with our relationship. 

I love him so so much and I've been so destroyed by our break up but he's never said I miss you or he still had feelings for me since we broke up. 

Because of all this resentment and anger I had in how he treated me after the break up (cold and nonchalant), I sent him a hate email last week telling him friendship is never going to happen and i hate him. I couldn't control it but i felt good after. 

I guess some lingering feelings remain and what I'm asking for advice is, is there anyway we couls even work out given we ended in such an ugly way? Are there people out there who have been able to reconcile when there was bad blood?

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How long were you dating? Way too much arguing.

Stop sending hate mail. He can take that to the local police and get a restraining order against you or have you charged with harassment and stalking.

Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and get help with the moods and impulsive bad behaviors.

Edited by Wiseman2
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It usually takes lot of time for all this feelings to subside, what's more important to understand and accept is you both were not compatible and things didn't work out for the same reasons. Accept its over and block him off for your own health. Never look back!

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4 hours ago, Rorshachblots said:

Because of all this resentment and anger I had in how he treated me after the break up (cold and nonchalant), I sent him a hate email last week telling him friendship is never going to happen and i hate him. I couldn't control it but i felt good after. 

Good.  One cannot be 'friends' with an ex anyways, unless or until you know you are over them.

Distance and No Contact is the only way.

I don't know why he is sharing anything?  Maybe to try in his own way to explain, his thoughts/feelings?

But, if this is how he reacts- go cold & break up?  Is no way going to succeed when things get tough 😞 

I'm guessing he is young still & immature and needs to learn better ways to deal with his 'stressors'... UNLESS there is much more issue's underlying?

Anyways, for your own good.... remain silent & No contact.

Was his choice?  Leave him be.  Don't be in his way.

If you truly ❤️ someone, you do not break up with them.. you try to work things out. 

 

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4 hours ago, Rorshachblots said:

is there anyway we couls even work out given we ended in such an ugly way? Are there people out there who have been able to reconcile when there was bad blood?

I broke up with my ex after dating him for 4 months, calling him names, and burned his photos and whatever else. 14 years later, he reached out, and now we're married with kids.

But you are looking at it all wrong.  Why were you fighting for weeks beforehand?  

And he didn't treat you poorly after the breakup.  You were broken up, so anything you let in is your own fault.  Honestly, go no contact for your own sake.  Pack up anything that reminds you of him, and put it away in a box, and hide them, or donate them, or burn em'.  You don't need them even if you one day get back together.  Go hang with friends, family, travel, see a friend you haven't seen. Exercise. Clear your head - retrain your brain.  

Work stress, stress from life is always there. You need to be with someone who will appreciate you no matter how tough life gets.  Make room in your mind and heart for a man who will fight for you - not against you, and then break up with you, and blames you for it.  It's a compatibility issue here.

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3 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I broke up with my ex after dating him for 4 months, calling him names, and burned his photos and whatever else. 14 years later, he reached out, and now we're married with kids.

But you are looking at it all wrong.  Why were you fighting for weeks beforehand?  

And he didn't treat you poorly after the breakup.  You were broken up, so anything you let in is your own fault.  Honestly, go no contact for your own sake.  Pack up anything that reminds you of him, and put it away in a box, and hide them, or donate them, or burn em'.  You don't need them even if you one day get back together.  Go hang with friends, family, travel, see a friend you haven't seen. Exercise. Clear your head - retrain your brain.  

Work stress, stress from life is always there. You need to be with someone who will appreciate you no matter how tough life gets.  Make room in your mind and heart for a man who will fight for you - not against you, and then break up with you, and blames you for it.  It's a compatibility issue here.

Good advice. It's also crucial that you not excuse yourself for sending a cowardly hate email and claiming not to be able to control it.  You can't control your feelings.  You can control your reactions to your feelings.  Writing or typing to someone about something emotional -especially negative and attacking - is never a good idea especially if you ever want to have any sort of personal relationship with that person ever again.  And like I wrote it's cowardly -if you truly want to express feelings you do it where the other person has the opportunity to respond. Yes I've sent emotional emails to my husband when I'm upset but I know we will talk about it later and no it is never attacking or a "hate mail".  I get the urge, I do but you have to recognize that you have complete control over how you react to feelings. Did you give yourself excuses in this way for the fights you had?

I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you.  Yes I'm married to my ex fiancee -we got back together after almost 8 years apart. No real bad blood though.

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The quicker you're more honest with yourself that it's over the easier this process is going to be. It'll be hard but you won't be in denial. 

The reason why he's detached and distant is because he also knows that you're there like a safety net. He can't get rid of you no matter how detached and unaffectionate or non-committal he is. You keep rewarding that treatment from him with your constant presence. 

Let go for yourself. Surround yourself with lots of love and support from your loved ones and love you, do you. Sending lots of 💙 your way.

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Umm, you told him you hated him. So are you expecting him to wake up tomorrow and say I miss her!!? It takes two people to make things work and you can have enough love for two people but it doesnt mean things will work out. He knows you want him, he knows you are available and he knows where you are and how to get a hold of you. But he is not exactly chasing you, so what does that mean? It means "I dont want to be with you" 

Do you think that in a stable, loving, supportive relationship that two people should be arguing as much as you two did in such a short amount of time? It doesnt matter what the arguments were about to be honest. It just goes to show that you two were not meant to be together and that is okay. there are other guys out there who will be a better fit for you. 

So question for you is.. if you two fought to much, and you were compelled to tell him that you hate him and that you will never have a friendship with him, why do you want to be with him? Please come up with something better than "I love him so much". There has to be a reason why you want to be with him? Was he your first? Was he your best? What can you find in him that you cant find in someone else? 

 

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I’m sorry. I think for now 3 things that always helped me are 1. Bettering myself, 2. Self care and 3. No contact. 
 

Truly, you’re better than hate Mail. It’s nice to get it off your shoulder but if u really want him back it means u respect him and don’t get into that, it’s petty. Instead use this time to read books, learn a skill, learn from that last relationship and see if it’s really what you want and what it is you really want. I’m not sure if you work on are in school but both are also easy to focus on.. 

 

good luck! Time truly does help in healing. 

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