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I been with her for 7 years. And I'm starting to have second thoughts.


Borednquiet99

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   I honestly feel guilty even posting on here, but here goes. I really love the woman I'm with, we been together for exactly 7 years. She treats me great, she's supportive in so many ways, we have a beautiful daughter together(5 yrs old), and she genuinely does love me back. But lately I've been kind of thinking that this relationship might not be the healthiest thing anymore (not only for me) considering a few things.

- I'm 27, she's 41, (we got together when I was 19, the age honestly hasn't truly bothered me, but this is important for context.) She has two sons from a prior relationship(the dad is a PoS and not in the picture) one is 20 and the other is 18. The 18 year old is severely autistic.

-her oldest son I have a very good relationship with and he genuinely looks up to me and respects me, and I love him alot.

-i treat the younger one with just as much love and respect as the older one, but his disability makes things very difficult on the whole family.(and for himself as well.)

Now here are some of the things that have been troubling me.

1.) the age. I didn't really think about it until the last couple years as she has been developing some health issues, which I don't believe are age related but it still reminds me how big of a difference 15 years really is. Like how we can't "grow old" together in a since. Like it's okay now but in 10 more years will it be?

2.) When we first got together her youngest son was very well behaved, for the most part. But as the years progress he seemingly gets worse in behaviour. He isn't in any sort of autism programs or therapy because when he was a kid he got abused by a teacher at the elementary school he went to, and has had ptsd ever since. My main issue is that he's become pretty violent lately.(he's 6'1 and 300lbs). He's put his hands on my 5 year old daughter multiple times, and just the other day he full on attacked me because he was told he wasn't allowed to have a package he seen delivered to the neighbors house. This is relatively new, as he has never been violent or this aggressive before. And I'm becoming worried for not only the safety of my girlfriend, but most importantly my daughter. Basically you can't tell him no,or tell him he can't have something, or he goes into a full rage.

So basically, I've been feeling like maybe I should get my own place and have my daughter comes with me bc I don't want her to grow up in a chaotic household like this.

I've had a long talk with my girlfriend about her putting her son in some sort of therapy or program, but I'm not sure how well things will turn out, as she's tried to put him in different day programs, but he freaked out and refused to go back.

I don't want to just get up and leave, but I honestly don't know what to do at this point and I want my daughter to grow up in a healthy environment.

 

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Have you guys read, The Explosive Child? It could be also his PTSD is worse right now. Does he have methods of ACC? A way to communicate? Behaviour is communication and he is upset about something . Also OT may help. ABA IS abuse never do that. I can understand his and his mother’s fear of therapies my Autistic son was also abused at school by teachers and other students. It is devastating. 

I am not trying to erase your fear for your child, I understand. 

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He's relatively high functioning in the sense that he can verbally express his feelings, wants, and needs, almost like a grown 4 year old. He's on anti anxiety meds and anti psychotics. And he doesn't have much of an outlet bc of his refusal to go to any programs. His main complaint has been OCD "thoughts" basically. Which is why he was put on the anti anxiety meds, his mom has an appointment scheduled to address his symptoms, and she's trying to reach out to a day program for him currently, but as I said this has been done before, and it didn't workout.

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Sorry this is happening. You're only responsible for your own child.

Whatever she and her kids father have worked out is between them.

Leave. Get custody of your child, so at least this woman won't be so overwhelmed.

You have a future ahead of you. Just curious what led to you getting together with a middle aged woman when you were a teen?

 

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10 minutes ago, Borednquiet99 said:

He's relatively high functioning in the sense that he can verbally express his feelings, wants, and needs, almost like a grown 4 year old. He's on anti anxiety meds and anti psychotics. And he doesn't have much of an outlet bc of his refusal to go to any programs. His main complaint has been OCD "thoughts" basically. Which is why he was put on the anti anxiety meds, his mom has an appointment scheduled to address his symptoms, and she's trying to reach out to a day program for him currently, but as I said this has been done before, and it didn't workout.

Functioning labels are useless because they deny ability and deny disability. Ability and disability changes from day to day and situation to situation they don’t accurately describe a situation. However, I would presume more competence and you can’t force adults to do programs they don’t want to do. 

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Well tbh when we got together my life was kinda falling apart, I was homeless, couch surfing between friends, and at the time I was on probation for a drug charge for drugs that weren't even mine.(long story but a "friend" screwed me over. And I wasn't a crackhead it was weed lol.) I basically met her when I was working with my cousin, and at first it was nothing serious, just sleeping around together, but she ended up helping me through the 2 years I was on probation,giving me rides to the required drug classes, drug tests, court appearances. Ect.) She basically changed my life.

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4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Functioning labels are useless because they deny ability and deny disability. Ability and disability changes from day to day and situation to situation they don’t accurately describe a situation. However, I would presume more competence and you can’t force adults to do programs they don’t want to do. 

I understand that, I'm just trying to give u a rough understanding, as I know some people with autism are completely non verbal. And I know he can't be forced to do anything. I just don't really know what other options we have.

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12 minutes ago, Borednquiet99 said:

I understand that, I'm just trying to give u a rough understanding, as I know some people with autism are completely non verbal. And I know he can't be forced to do anything. I just don't really know what other options we have.

That is where the book might help or contacting an Occupational Therapist for ideas. 

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1 hour ago, Borednquiet99 said:

Well tbh when we got together my life was kinda falling apart, I was homeless, couch surfing between friends, and at the time I was on probation for a drug charge for drugs that weren't even mine.(long story but a "friend" screwed me over. And I wasn't a crackhead it was weed lol.) I basically met her when I was working with my cousin, and at first it was nothing serious, just sleeping around together, but she ended up helping me through the 2 years I was on probation,giving me rides to the required drug classes, drug tests, court appearances. Ect.) She basically changed my life.

Ok, well. She helped you. This is not about autism. This has to do with an older woman who was there then but now you need to decide how to go forward. Her children whatever their situation is Not your responsibility. 

Depart in a kind and responsible fashion. Give appropriate notice. Be responsible financially and otherwise for your child.

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I am sorry for what you're going through.  The age diff and your relationship problems, that's one thing. 

But my advice is to do whatever you have to, to protect your daughter. I can only imagine being 5 and having a voilitale big brother, that size,  that can't control himself, as total nightmare. His actions will impact her entire life, if you don't step in NOW.

Do you talk to her and explain to her his problems in words she can understand?

Do you give her a safe place she can express how she feels? 

Do you comfort her and make her feel this won't happen again?

How are you making sure this won't happen again? 

You are the adults.  You and your partner.  Excusing the son's behavior and allowing him to decide his own treatment, based on his comfort level is wrong.  He is not capable. It's also putting his needs above everybody else in house.  And that will have an impact as well on the daughter. 

If it were me? I would not stop until I got one or the other out of the home. Whatever it takes. 

Then figure out the relationship.  

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a child with autism becomes VERY challenging come their teen years :(, due to puberty & the raging hormones... Been there.. my ex had an autistic daughter.  She ended up in a home- away from my 2 little ones due to her anger outbursts.

His mother should have been looking into some prof help for your family by now - not neglect this issue.

You DO need to think of the safety of everyone.  Tell your woman to either look into such assistance NOW of yes, either he get into a home to help with this AND medicated- to calm him down OR you're out- very soon.

There are autism services out there- contact childrens aid services- they would know.

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6 hours ago, Borednquiet99 said:

My main issue is that he's become pretty violent lately.(he's 6'1 and 300lbs). He's put his hands on my 5 year old daughter multiple times

Take your child and run. Get a restraining order against him (doesn't matter his issues, etc.)

Make sure you have Full custody and only allow supervised visitation. If his clueless mother allows that, oh well, she can't see the innocent 5 y/o.

The safety and wellbeing of your defenseless 5 y/o comes way before this violent brute and his mother. Take her away before this monster molests or injures  her.

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9 hours ago, Borednquiet99 said:

My main issue is that he's become pretty violent lately.(he's 6'1 and 300lbs). He's put his hands on my 5 year old daughter multiple times

I'm becoming worried for not only the safety of my girlfriend, but most importantly my daughter.

I've been feeling like maybe I should get my own place and have my daughter comes with me bc I don't want her to grow up in a chaotic household like this.

Agree with you. You need a better environment for your child. He's been violent and put his hands on her and seems out of control. Move out, get a safe place for yourself/your daughter. You don't have to break up but you do have to protect your innocent defenseless 5 y/o.

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