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Worried I envoked conflict and negative feelings in friend with depression. HELP!


concernedgirl

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Hello, I remembered this forum from years ago and decided to come here cause I have this friend with depression and I'm worried what I said caused hard feelings towards me and that he's now mad at me. 

Admin, if I feel the need to make the necessary request, please delete this topic for me. 

And if your the person I'm expressing my concern about, I'm truly sorry! I feel so bad and stupid now. 😢

I'll admit that I have depression myself and been having terrible moments of loneliness and battling my own demons with a personal issue as of late. I haven't told directly him many details about my issues, but I just randomly been making posts to facebook about being in a dark place, ETC. He sent me a message recently saying he wanted to reach out cause he's been seeing I been down. I knew he's been going through severe depression himself, so I didn't elaborate too much on things. He made a social media post himself a few weeks back saying that if anyone finds themselves in a dark place with nowhere to turn to send him a DM. He, however, reached out to me and I do appreciate his concern.

Now yesterday, not going into too many details about myself. I just sent him this in a message: "I know I can't wait to just get back on my {roller} coasters already. lol 🎢 I haven't been doing too well. Depression is a lot worse for me in the winter months. Over here right now, several inches of snow, highs in the lower 20s and we're going down to -3 degrees on Sunday night; I can't even go out and ride my bike. This time of year just makes it easier to focus on everything else that's bothering me, all really bad on my mental state."

And he responds: "Yeah I haven’t been in the best place mentally either 

I feel like I have so many people looking to me to help them with their depression but I have absolutely no one even wanting to help me with mine. Just feel on my own with my own issues and expected to fix other people’s issues 😖 just getting overwhelmed."

Do you think I made him mad at me? Or is he just venting and not necessarily singling me out? I really do feel so bad for him and I'm truly sorry if I hurt his feelings. I been losing sleep over this. I regret it if I said anything wrong. I feel so self centered and stupid right now. I honestly didn't know the severity of his situation and I sincerely apologize. I was just casually expressing how I currently felt. I don't expect him to fix my issues. I really do want to help him and I want him to know.

I don't know... maybe by making that post I mentioned he made on social media, it's encouraged all these people to tell him all their problems when the poor guy really needs help himself. 

I think very highly of him, our friendship means a lot to me, and I really don't want all of this to ruin it. 

Any advice/the right words for me to help patch things up are highly appreciated. Thank you in advance!

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I find this kind of ridiculous as to how you are (mis)using social media to post implicit messages and wanting people to read into it and respond in a certain way, and then overanalyzing what other people post to all of their FB people.  You are not supposed to help others with depression and they are not supposed to help you.  Unless it's a therapist-patient relationship.  You are simply there to be supportive as a friend -not as a professional.  And that means talking to the person - if not in person then by phone -if someone is truly depressed texting should be a last resort as words can be misunderstood.  And your message to him was confusing with the "lol" when you're apparently in need of support/help.

I have a friend for the last few years who is bipolar and has medical conditions too (she was diagnosed with MS) - around September she started going MIA not texting me and still fairly active on FB -many political posts that I chose not to respond to.  She also would stay up nights coming up with yet another new business idea, make facebook pages/websites and look for donations (no thanks) - so I kept my distance so as not to lead her on

 After not hearing from her for weeks I texted her, asked her how she was doing in a casual way and she sent me a vague/cryptic message back that basically meant I'd have to pull teeth to find out.  No thanks.  I wasn't up for the drama.  She stopped posting on FB except rarely and after a few months now posts once in awhile mostly to get people to tell her how awesome she looks or how cute her pets are , again and again.  I rarely respond.  My point is - I reached out, multiple times, it wasn't reciprocated and when it was it was asking me to chase her down and get her story out.  Ball is in her court.  Consider that you are communicating poorly and having unrealistic expectations about your social media activity.  

I do hope you feel better and find a good therapist!!

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5 hours ago, concernedgirl said:

Do you think I made him mad at me? Or is he just venting and not necessarily singling me out? I really do feel so bad for him and I'm truly sorry if I hurt his feelings.

No.  He's venting.. so don't take any of this upon yourself ❤️ .

We cannot 'fix' and help everyone.. We can only do so much.. for some, even the ability to 'vent' is helpful :) (If tooo bad, one may require some prof help- speak to Dr/ meds/ therapy).

You did that... so do not feel bad about anything.

You said a few words, as did he.  Is okay.

One day at a time... take care of YOU ❤️ 

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6 hours ago, concernedgirl said:

Do you think I made him mad at me? Or is he just venting and not necessarily singling me out?

My bet is that he's just venting. Do not take it personally. He's mentioned to you that he hasn't "been in the best place mentally either", therefore I'd give him some space.

If life was already a roller coaster before, the pandemic has intensified this.

It seems to me that you enjoy writing. Have you considered journalling as a way to express your emotions or random thoughts? You can pick any notebook you like, use your laptop or, alternatively, here at enotalone - there's a section for those who journal.

Also, how about saying positive affirmations? It helps me, maybe it'll help you, too.

It's going to be okay. One day at a time. 🙂 

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I don’t think you’ve made him mad. You let him know that you were struggling right now and explained the contributing factors, and he responded with the same. I think he was relating to you.

Is there anything you and he have in common that could be a little escape for you guys? Online game, go for coffee, watch a good movie? You’ve found your common ground, you both need help and want to help, how can you guys have a positive experience together?

Seasonal depression is real, and we’re right in the heart of it right now. We only have to make it through roughly 8 weeks, and we’ll see the trees budding, the grass turning green, and the world coming to life again. Do what you need to do to help yourself make it through just 8 more weeks, and know that you are not alone in feeling depressed, this season or any.

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Nah. Girl, you're ok. Take care of you. He's opening up to you the same way you're doing with him. This would be two people having a conversation. I second the thought about seeking someone trained to speak with about anxiety and depression, even seasonal depression. You're anxious and worried about this and losing sleep. Loss of sleep is torture! 

Keep well! It's all right. You head on to bed early tonight and get a good night's rest. Let us know how you're doing tomorrow.

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The "lol" was just something we typically both do in our conversations about roller coasters. The roller coasters I bring up with this are actual amusement park rides and not the emotional roller coaster of depression. We're in the coaster enthusiast community, actually. That's how we met.nAnd these rides have been a huge coping mechanism for the both of us. But with it being the off-season and all. 

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4 hours ago, concernedgirl said:

The roller coasters I bring up with this are actual amusement park rides and not the emotional roller coaster of depression. We're in the coaster enthusiast community, actually.

That explains a few things. Cool you guys met that way. 🙂

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