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Should I take my abuser to court?


ForeverLearning
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I grew up in an abusive household. My dad use to beat me up daily. I was desperate to get out. So when I was 18, I decided to runaway but I had no way to financially support myself. I had met a guy online that said he would help me. He told me he was in his early 30s and had kids and just really wanted to help me. We met up a few times before I decided to leave with him. Then one night I left with him. He suggested we stay in a nearby hotel the first night. I agreed but said I wanted my own room. When I got to the hotel, it ended up being one hotel room with a single bed. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it and he sexually assaulted me. I didn’t really make a big deal out of it at the time because I was just so happy to be out of my father’s house. He was my first time and really first anything. I hate that he took that away from me. I also learned that night he was 39. The weeks following, I continued doing whatever he wanted me to do because he was financially supporting me and I didn’t want to go back to my father’s house. After a few months, when I was finally financially stable on my own, I left to live on my own. Then all of sudden he fell off the face of the earth. Changed his number and address. I couldn’t contact him or find him. 
 

Fast forward almost a decade, it still hurts me. Everything that he did to me. The way he took advantage of me at such a vulnerable time. I want him to pay in someway and make sure he doesn’t do this any other poor girl. 
 

So my question is should I just keep living my normal happy life like nothing happened? Or should I try to find this man and take him to court for what he did to me? 
 


 

 

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13 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said:

I grew up in an abusive household. My dad use to beat me up daily. I was desperate to get out. So when I was 18, I decided to runaway but I had no way to financially support myself. I had met a guy online that said he would help me. He told me he was in his early 30s and had kids and just really wanted to help me. We met up a few times before I decided to leave with him. Then one night I left with him. He suggested we stay in a nearby hotel the first night. I agreed but said I wanted my own room. When I got to the hotel, it ended up being one hotel room with a single bed. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it and he sexually assaulted me. I didn’t really make a big deal out of it at the time because I was just so happy to be out of my father’s house. He was my first time and really first anything. I hate that he took that away from me. I also learned that night he was 39. The weeks following, I continued doing whatever he wanted me to do because he was financially supporting me and I didn’t want to go back to my father’s house. After a few months, when I was finally financially stable on my own, I left to live on my own. Then all of sudden he fell off the face of the earth. Changed his number and address. I couldn’t contact him or find him. 
 

Fast forward almost a decade, it still hurts me. Everything that he did to me. The way he took advantage of me at such a vulnerable time. I want him to pay in someway and make sure he doesn’t do this any other poor girl. 
 

So my question is should I just keep living my normal happy life like nothing happened? Or should I try to find this man and take him to court for what he did to me? 
 


 

 

Being a survivor of sexual abuse myself there is no pretending it didn’t happen that doesn’t make it go away. I am sorry all this abuse happened to you.
 

Check out the statue of limitations for the area it occurred . Be aware if you choose that road that every aspect of your life will be raked over the coals. I am not saying that to be discouraging I’m just telling you the plain truth. When I was 14 I went to court due to  my uncle raping me. My parents and the police filed charges. I had absolutely no say in the matter. At 14 even every aspect of my life was dragged over the coals down to what kind of underwear I wore. If I had a boyfriend blah blah what kind of  feminine protection that I used  etc. etc. I was 14! Nothing was off-limits. Is it fair no but that’s what happens. 
 

like I said I’m not trying to discourage you if this is what you want to do I’m just telling you you need to be emotionally and psychologically prepared. 


 

 

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2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Being a survivor of sexual abuse myself there is no pretending it didn’t happen that doesn’t make it go away. I am sorry all this abuse happened to you.
 

Check out the statue of limitations for the area it occurred . Be aware if you choose that road that every aspect of your life will be raked over the coals. I am not saying that to be discouraging I’m just telling you the plain truth. When I was 14 I went to court due to  my uncle raping me. My parents and the police filed charges. I had absolutely no say in the matter. At 14 even every aspect of my life was dragged over the coals down to what kind of underwear I wore. If I had a boyfriend blah blah what kind of  feminine protection that I used  etc. etc. I was 14! Nothing was off-limits. Is it fair no but that’s what happens. 
 

like I said I’m not trying to discourage you if this is what you want to do I’m just telling you you need to be emotionally and psychologically prepared. 


 

 

Thank you for informing me. I’m also so sorry that happened to you. That’s awful. 

Im not sure if I’m ready for that emotionally yet. I don’t even know where to start in finding him honestly.

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Just now, ForeverLearning said:

Thank you for informing me. I’m also so sorry that happened to you. That’s awful. 

Im not sure if I’m ready for that emotionally yet. I don’t even know where to start in finding him honestly.

That wouldn’t be your job that is the job of the police. They would have to find him and file charges on your behalf. 

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3 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said:

I don’t want to talk or confront him directly. I don’t remember his last name clearly. So I just wanna make sure I have the right guy. 

Again the police do that and it is up to the court whether they ask you to face him in court. I had to alone without my parents or anyone. I also was questioned by my rapist because he was representing himself. 

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Sorry this happened . Therapy will help you infinitely more than what you believe  is "justice". You can attempt to track  him down, however you have no evidence.

You could speak with a rape crisis center for emotional help as well as better info on whether your case is legally pursuable. If you are angry, hurt it's understandable. However. Therapy would unpack ad sort this out better than a court case. 

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Not only that you need to have evidence unfortunately. I had no evidence either and my dad made me rip up my diary of the assaults and flush it. Also at the time there was no physical evidence. I couldn’t finish the trial ( because I had a nervous breakdown)so my Uncle walked and the charges were Stayed and he couldn’t be charged later. And I’m sure he’s going on to abuse more kids for more than 40 years. He stalked me and my family for 3 years after the trial despite a restraining order until we moved to another province. 

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2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Not only that you need to have evidence unfortunately. I had no evidence either and my dad made me rip up my diary of the assaults and flush it. Also at the time there was no physical evidence. I couldn’t finish the trial ( because I had a nervous breakdown)so my Uncle walked and the charges were Stayed and he couldn’t be charged later. And I’m sure he’s going on to abuse more kids for more than 40 years. He stalked me and my family for 3 years after the trial despite a restraining order until we moved to another province. 

Geez that’s awful. I think I just need to come to emotional terms with it because the legal system clearly failed you. 

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14 hours ago, ForeverLearning said:

 I just wanna make sure I have the right guy. 

And that is how the judicial system works. You need proof the same way someone can't simply throw you in jail for "maybe".

Frankly it seems like you are bored, ruminating, unhappy with your current situation and somehow sadly never got appropriate treatment.

Stewing around all day looking for "justice", is not going to help you.

What would help is a better job, better living arrangements, better communication with your BF, better fitness and health. 

All these things are available.

However you need to stop acting like that run away with your now BF and grovelling, cleaning, cooking and acting "grateful", that he took you in. That's where this anger is coming from.

So it's not about backpedaling and psychological "undoing" (google it).

It's about your conscious choices and today's accomplishments.

Try not to throw yourself into the chronic victim mentality. What an awful way to live.

Before you know it you'll have a laundry list of every imaginable disease under the sun.

 

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On 2/12/2021 at 5:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

And that is how the judicial system works. You need proof the same way someone can't simply throw you in jail for "maybe".

Frankly it seems like you are bored, ruminating, unhappy with your current situation and somehow sadly never got appropriate treatment.

Stewing around all day looking for "justice", is not going to help you.

What would help is a better job, better living arrangements, better communication with your BF, better fitness and health. 

All these things are available.

However you need to stop acting like that run away with your now BF and grovelling, cleaning, cooking and acting "grateful", that he took you in. That's where this anger is coming from.

So it's not about backpedaling and psychological "undoing" (google it).

It's about your conscious choices and today's accomplishments.

Try not to throw yourself into the chronic victim mentality. What an awful way to live.

Before you know it you'll have a laundry list of every imaginable disease under the sun.

 

I don’t think I throw myself into victim mentality which I why I’ve been able to live a successful life since then. I’m very financially well off and have done a lot with my life since then. I’m more so worried that he’s doing something similar to girls right now. I think he should pay for what he did to me. Sure. But I won’t let them stop my life. Though, if I can stop him from doing it to someone else, that’d be a good thing. 
 

I see what you’re saying. I do have issues in my life. Sure. Who doesn’t? 
 

As for my comment. I said I wanted to make sure I had the right guy because he used fake ids around me a lot so I don’t think I ever really knew what his real last name was. 

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You need to think long and hard about what to do because if you want to charge him and start the process, you will be raked over the coals by his defence team and you better be really sure of all of the details.  Your reputation will be on trial too.

Would you feel better if you went for some therapy instead?  

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3 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You need to think long and hard about what to do because if you want to charge him and start the process, you will be raked over the coals by his defence team and you better be really sure of all of the details.  Your reputation will be on trial too.

Would you feel better if you went for some therapy instead?  

Yeah. Someone said something similar. I don’t want to relive this so I think it would be best if I just moved on with my life. As crappy as it is. I’m just really thankful to be where I am in life.

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