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Cant decipher if my ex has gigs or its a rebound. Still want my ex back. Help.


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My ex and i dated for nearly 6 years, we had an extremely serious relationship where we were building towards marriage. He's been introduced to my family and vice versa, hes gotten close to my dad and everything. We've travelled the world together, and we were even living together for about 2 and a half years. Just the last 2 years of our relationship became a bit toxic because he started going down a dark path to do with wrong influence of friends, drugs and alcohol but i stayed by his side throughout even when he was not easy to love. 

My ex and I broke up in may 2020, actually he broke up with me out of the blue. Met him 3 days before the break up to help him finish up his university assignments and a day before the break up he was transferring me money to buy him a few things from the store as he was busy with his family that day. The next day, he just says he's done with me. Then for about a monthish, I tried my best to talk and see where things were going wrong and he was talking to me until he asked for space. In around June, he calls me saying the reason he's not going to give me a chance is cause he's seeing someone else. I find out that he was actually getting close to this person since before we broke up, roughly around maybe 2 or 3 months.

From June till August, my ex and this person weren't dating. This person repeatedly told me and our mutual friends and her own ex that she doesnt even want my ex, doesnt love my ex and she was also talking to other guys in front of my ex as well as video calling her own ex. I've seen messages that she has sent to her own ex while sleeping around with my ex where she's confessed her feelings for her ex, that she will date only her ex and no one else. I tried everything to get my ex back during this time, including talking to this girls ex. Around august, the girl made a choice to go back to her ex but still talk to my ex as a friend. At this point, my ex came back to me and he was exhibiting signs of wanting me by flirting with me in front of our mutual friends at a friends engagement party. This carried on for about 2 weeks, and then i dont know what happened, I thought this girl was carrying on with her ex and she made it clear that she didnt want my ex but she created some kind of drama where she started posting chats on instagram stories to get a reaction from my ex.

A bit of a background of this girl, her ex doesn't live in the same country as in, he lives in another country and she made excuses to her ex that the reason she's going around with my ex is cause she doesn't have anyone and she sees him as a friend, someone she can count on but still again making it clear that she doesnt even want him and still talks to her ex in front of him.

At this point, when my ex decided to go back to her I decided to move on and I didnt contact my ex for a while until October when there was an emergency and only my ex had the contact number for that emergency. About mid october, my ex came back begging for a chance and I was hesitant to give him a chance until a few of his friends called me up saying that my ex has been miserable and has been crying like crazy. At this point, this girl was still in the picture but again she was still talking to other guys and still talking to her ex. My ex told her that he's done with her and she tried to manipulate my ex into staying with her by threatening to kill herself and so on. 2 days after my ex cut ties with her, blocked her off everything she was spotted around town with other guys and was telling people how she was fine and over it, including telling me. At one point my ex thought I was keeping him as an option because I was still unsure about him and whether he would change certain things or not, he contacted this girl and this girl should have told me about him contacting her but didnt. She only texted me when they kissed to tell me that they kissed. Even after that incident happened, I still gave my ex a chance and made him swear to cut off all contact with this girl for good including telling her straight up that its done and he did. Also, the girl gave me her word that she would never come in between me and my ex ever again. 

So for about a monthish, my ex exhibited perfect behavior. He was telling all our friends and including his friends that im the girl he wants a forever with, he told me he realized it was me all along who has been there for him throughout because during the few months that he was going around with this girl, she had crashed his car and everything. And that even after crashing his car, she didn't really take care of him or be helpful or apologize to his parents (cause the car is actually his parents, we live in a society where we still live with parents). At this point, he was saying that its forever, and was even going to the extent of hunting for promise rings for me. He also mentioned about how he really missed me when he was with this girl, spoke about how he didnt get to do certain things with her that he did with me, such as go eat amazing dinners together and watch movies because the girl is a completely picky eater and all they pretty much did was have sex, drink and take drugs. 

At this point, i thought i would be civil with this girl cause I was sure that we would bump into one another since its a small society. I remember my ex telling me that he went to a tattoo shop not too far from where we live, and that it isn't expensive. At this point i was wanting a new tattoo, and of course I wasnt going to let my ex text the girl so i decided to text her nicely to ask her the name of the tattoo shop. At this point, she uses some random number to call my ex up and texts me a long paragraph about how not to go to places that shes been with my ex, to have respect for what she and my ex shared together for few months including not going to certain restaurants and stuff. At this point, i was really upset because she had no right to tell me those things when she didnt respect that my ex and I were in a relationship for nearly 6 years and nor did she respect me few months prior when she was trying to show PDA at a party in front of all our mutual friends with my ex. Also, this isn't the first time she was using numbers to call my ex even though he made it clear that he wanted me. She would bump into his friends, and she'd call him to tell him and then she'd text me to apologize that she called my ex. If she really respected me, she wouldnt have done any of that from the start.  

Im not sure what she said to my ex, but my ex got really upset with me and apologized to her that I messaged her crazy and rude things which i didnt do. After this incident, my ex started acting strange for the weeks to come, and one day we got into an argument and he unblocked her. Then all of a sudden from talking to me about forever, he started pulling back and saying things like he's having second thoughts. At this point, my friends spoke to him saying that he's the one who wanted me back and that when 2 people work to get back together, change doesnt happen in just one month and that it takes time. So my ex told my friends he would continue to try and at this point we were planning for my birthday.

We go to a friends sisters wedding together but before going to the wedding I made it clear to my ex that if he sees this girl not to even speak to her or say hi cause I lost all respect for her after the messages she sent. At the party, my ex was displaying affection and actually showing real effort to care for me and everything. This girl shows up at the party, and my ex went and said hi to her. I was a bit intoxicated at the time and was caught off guard to see my ex and this girl talking, and I swore at her and basically said mean things and told her to back off. Im not sure what happened to my ex but its like a flip switched and the whole night, he was ignoring me and going to her. I thought my ex left the party the same time as me but a couple of friends told me he stayed at the party till late. The next morning, I went to his house to give him his shirt for my upcoming birthday party due to happen in 3 days, his maid told me that my ex never came home the night before. I waited for my ex to wake up and reply to my texts and calls, and in the evening I called my ex up only to find out that hes at dinner with this girl. Here's the funny part, at the party this girl told people that she doesnt even want my ex again and that she doesnt love him and that she did give me her word.

So i tried to talk to my ex but he basically was so upset with my actions at the party and said that with me theres always drama and that i disrespected him. Fast forward 3 days later to my birthday, we were supposed to attend a festival together but well me and my ex were done at this point. He showed up to the festival with this girl, saw me and didnt even come say happy birthday.

After that, these are the incidents that followed:
1) blocking me on whatsapp and instagram
2) going to our club together with her on christmas (a club where my ex and i celebrated special moments together). Confronted the girl about this, and i didnt know they were together when I confronted and I got rude replies
3) on new years day, I get calls and texts from random numbers and this girl sending harassing snapchats to my friends that she's in a relationship with my ex on facebook simply because they wanted to attend a house party on new years and the hosts who happen to be my friends didnt let them enter (because they didnt know this girl and my ex) but for some apparent reason the girl blames me and tried to harass me
4) My ex randomly deletes me off facebook (he's never done this) and untags himself from photos uploaded by others of us. I try to confront him about it, and to no surprise I get abusive messages as a reply from the girl including abusive phone calls where she tells me to back off and that she backed off when my ex and I were fixing things (Not true by the way, she never backed off. She played mind games)
5) A lot of people dont like this girl, friends of my ex have tried to talk to him that hes making a big mistake because of how much ive done for my ex throughout the years and how hes never going to find a girl who truly loves him the way i do. Also, mutual friends dont want to hangout with him and this girl after seeing through the girls bull***. She goes on acting PDA and saying that she loves my ex more than I do when a month ago, she was still texting her ex whom she has loved for 8 years.
6) The random phone calls wouldnt stop, and at this point its begun to affect my mental health so I spoke to my exs parents about this and also about the fact that he's throwing his life away for this girl. Since going back to this girl, my ex drinks with her everyday and barely goes home at times and it worries me because he has so much potential. 
7) After talking to his parents, they spoke to him and he must have said something to this girl because she started posting stories on her instagram that I was lying about her harassing me and lying about things I told his parents. But here's the funny part, when I spoke to his parents, they agree with me that this girl has been playing him and they also brought up the car accident and spoke about how she didnt really care to be there for my ex and they acknowledged that ive always been there for my ex

So, all these red flags have already been exhibited from this girl. She got with my ex even though she was still talking to her ex who happened to be friends with my ex by the way, she played my ex for months and kept coming in the way when my ex and i were fixing things. But now, over one mistake I made my ex is acting like he can make things work with this girl forever. Shes acting like I lost my ex for good. But they aren't even dating, they pretty much spend everyday drinking, not going on dates and having sex.

I dont know what to do. I really love my ex. We had potential to work, but I feel that he's so manipulated by this girl. He says he doesnt want to hurt her but im sure she must be manipulating him with threats that she would hurt herself and stuff. Also, i found out that she pretty much only went back to my ex and did all this is because her ex is done with her and she broke her promise to me all because i swore at her at the party and not because she actually loves my ex (she pretends to).

I dont know what to do, to make my ex see the light. Because his family, our friends, everyone has tried to talk to him and all he does is defend this girl and says that he's happy and that shes so nice and caring and overlooks her flaws (by the way he spoke a lot of negative things about her when he came back, and told everyone things about her)

Please help me with some advice whether my ex is experiencing gigs or if its a rebound or what because he just jumped straight into it even though all the red flags are there. 

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1 hour ago, panida said:

 the last 2 years of our relationship became a bit toxic because he started going down a dark path to do with wrong influence of friends, drugs and alcohol but i stayed by his side throughout even when he was not easy to love. 

Sorry this happened. It sounds like his increase in drugs, alcohol etc. led to the breakup. 

You dodged a bullet. He would rather drink do drugs and hang out with those type of people.

 Unfortunately you became a mother-like figure and enabler and that further kills respect and romance.

Overall be glad he found someone else to put up with his debauchery, drugs, drinking and treat like a servant running his errands, doing his homework, etc.

Get your life together. Focus on your work, school, friends, family as a well as physical and mental health. Check the link below for some help with your issues.

Someone who stays with a drinker, drug user, cheater and manipulator,  has problems themselves that they need to work out:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Edited by Wiseman2
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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It sounds like his increase in drugs, alcohol etc. led to the breakup. 

You dodged a bullet. He would rather drink do drugs and hang out with those type of people.

 Unfortunately you became a mother-like figure and enabler and that further kills respect and romance.

Overall be glad he found someone else to put up with his debauchery, drugs, drinking and treat like a servant running his errands, doing his homework, etc.

Get your life together. Focus on your work, school, friends, family as a well as physical and mental health. Check the link below for some help with your issues.

Someone who stays with a drinker, drug user, cheater and manipulator,  has problems themselves that they need to work out:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

I did start getting my life together, so after August i started getting more fixated on my job and everything and friends and even my physical health. When my ex came back, we had a plan to start becoming financially successful together and everything was going great until i dont know what happened where my ex again flipped the switch just because this other girl called him again saying that I was disrespecting her by asking her for the name of a tattoo shop and telling her that she doesnt have the right to tell me not to go to places shes been with my ex.

I know he found someone else who is like him, thats one of the things he said to mutual friends is that I used to stop him but the friends told him that its because I care about him a lot and yet he doesnt get it.

 

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1 minute ago, panida said:

I did start getting my life together, so after August i started getting more fixated on my job and everything and friends and even my physical health. When my ex came back, we had a plan to start becoming financially successful together and everything was going great until i dont know what happened where my ex again flipped the switch just because this other girl called him again saying that I was disrespecting her by asking her for the name of a tattoo shop and telling her that she doesnt have the right to tell me not to go to places shes been with my ex.

I know he found someone else who is like him, thats one of the things he said to mutual friends is that I used to stop him but the friends told him that its because I care about him a lot and yet he doesnt get it.

 

I know this is hurtful and hard to cope with. I'm sorry... I have been there.  My ex quickly found someone better for him,  that is into the same dysfunctional lifestyle.  And that is his choice. 

It sounds like you guys got together young.  It was a long relationship but a lot of growth and changes. which are to be expected. Most people don't stay with first loves. 

Look forward to the fact,  that you will meet someone better and have a better life than one that is filled with substance abuse and dysfunction.

Keep on moving forward.  Post here to vent. Block him, his gf and anyone that tries to keep you in this situation. 

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5 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I know this is hurtful and hard to cope with. I'm sorry... I have been there.  My ex quickly found someone better for him,  that is into the same dysfunctional lifestyle.  And that is his choice. 

It sounds like you guys got together young.  It was a long relationship but a lot of growth and changes. which are to be expected. Most people don't stay with first loves. 

Look forward to the fact,  that you will meet someone better and have a better life than one that is filled with substance abuse and dysfunction.

Keep on moving forward.  Post here to vent. Block him, his gf and anyone that tries to keep you in this situation. 

they aren't dating. apparently, she still texts her ex and stuff which is weird and he's completely ignoring everything everyones telling him including distancing himself from his friends and family....

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This guy has cheated on  and treated you horribly.   You seem to be making this more about her.  This guy does not  love or respect you.  He loves her. 

 This guy is a real POS!   He is the problem, not her!    There is zero chance of success with this guy.  

 

Relationships should never be this much work, and you should not have to beg and plead for someone to be with you. 

Expect more for yourself. 

 

Edited by Hollyj
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Wow, what a lot of immature drama! Confronting, getting friends involved, swearing at a wedding party (I bet the wedding couple loved that!), phone calls and messages. No one in this situation behaved in a stellar manner.

I think you would do better to leave all this immature BS behind you and move on. I presume you'll say "but I LOVE him!!", but there's no future in this dramatic mess.

And BTW, it's not that other woman's fault. He wouldn't be with her if he didn't want to be.

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1 hour ago, panida said:

they aren't dating. apparently, she still texts her ex and stuff which is weird and he's completely ignoring everything everyones telling him including distancing himself from his friends and family....

And why should you care?  Distance yourself.  Focus on your friends,  your family, your fabulous life.

He, his life, who he is talking to etc has nothing to do with you.  He ended things.  He was a jerk.  That's  all you know and need to know. 

Edited by Lambert
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1 hour ago, panida said:

 this other girl called him again saying that I was disrespecting her by asking her for the name of a tattoo shop and telling her that she doesnt have the right to tell me not to go to places shes been with my ex.

Your ex went to the tattoo shop with the other girl. Your ex knew where the tattoo shop was and the name of the tattoo shop. Yet you called the other girl to ask her the name and location of the tattoo shop.

You also drink too much at parties and make a scene which turns people off especially your ex boyfriend.

Seems to me like you're all about the drama and the guy might have cared for you but it was too much work.

 

 

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3 hours ago, panida said:

Please help me with some advice whether my ex is experiencing gigs or if its a rebound or what because he just jumped straight into it even though all the red flags are there. 

None of the above.  It's all about him and his displays of gross immaturity.  You need to understand that she's not the ring leader here, he is. along with the choices he made.

With that said,  it's time to ask yourself why you're being an audience to this nonsense.  Why not re-evaluate this relationship and see it for what it is, rather than what you'd like it to be?

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Oh boy 😞 

This is all one hot mess... all full of Drama!

YOU need to see the light.  It's been one big whirlwind of a mess between 3.  No one needs any of this!

Your ex is an ex for a reason.. Look at his pathetic behaviour.

As I see in other responses and I agree... 90% of this is on HIM.

Mistreating you... running back to her... bringing you back in... and back to her... Let Him Go! - HE is a mess 😞 

I have been thru something similar, over a 3 yr time span.. and yah, it really messes you up= because THEY can't make up their mind.. and bring you down in it all.

You need to learn some self respect- that you DO deserve better and get a back bone.  Do NOT let anyone treat you this way.

He chose to go to her.. let him.  And never let him back.  This is what damages you.

He showed much confusion.. If he is a mess in this crap, that's on him.

As for HER?  Stay away.  Do not get entwined in their affair.

You never should have contacted her. I never spoke with 'the other girl' of my ex's.  Never went there.. I did not want to know anymore than I did.  I did not want to get caught up in any of their crap.  Was his choice.. I left him to it!

It was his choice.  Like this was your bf's choice.

Remember, it is HIS life.  He messed it all up with you.  He no longer deserves you!

Yah, he may regret it all someday, but was his own doing.  Believe me, you don't want to get involved with someone like this again.

Now, YOU need to be stronger than this... You need to pull away & stay away.

No more contact.. no chasing.. No accepting anything more than you deserve!

Will take a bit of time to work through all of this 😞 But, you can... maybe consider some prof help, if it's affecting you terribly.

Be strong.  Move along. And let him sit in his crap he made.

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All the answers are in there , your experience, how everything turned out. if you want a healthy life, a partner that respects and cares for you, you got to get out of getting attached to people who don't want to.

You will need to detach yourself from all this mess, protect yourself from seeing what your past is going through or getting involved with, when i was going around in a messy situation, many gave me lots and lots of advices and my unhealthy attachment really didn't help me much. 

Just disappear from all these people's life, make a life of yourself, one that is loving caring respectful of all who wants to be part of it. Don't let anyone who bothers you or disrespects you ever close to that circle, it's your space and you need to protect it.

 

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