Jump to content

Wife is determined to make an insane purchase


Recommended Posts

13 hours ago, waffle said:

I see both sides of it, as I think partners should always check with the other regarding large purchases and I would feel this way whether both partners were working or just one.  And not in an "asking for permission" type of thing; I think it's just a common courtesy since legally any household money does belong to both partners.

Yes I totally agree with this - and should decide on the boundaries/price points.  Nothing to do with who makes a salary.  Both.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Why isn't he expected to run discretionary expenses past her? Because he views the money as his.

The message a woman gets is, her life has less value if she isn't afforded  equal say.

So, suddenly the gift of staying home and being supported doesn't feels so great.  You are set up to feel indebted. You didn't realize all that you were giving up in exchange until it's too late.

He absolutely should!  I wrote that at first and Waffle wrote that as well. It would be nonsensical otherwise -joint account- both of their assets/money and communication goes both ways.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Could you please elaborate on a few things? Firstly, what reasons has your wife given for wanting to buy these coins? It does sound like a strange purchase but the thing is what people consider interesting and valuable varies. If she has some kind of good reason for buying the coins - e.g. she collects coins and these are really special, that would make sense. Also if she wants to buy them to make an investment and sell them for a lot more in the future. She said they go up in value. To me the reason the person wants to buy something would matter. Maybe that reason is not "insane" - to them.

Also if your daughter is only one, why have you financially supported your wife for seven years? Why has she not worked before your daughter was born?

I could be wrong but to me it sounds like your wife is starting to want money of her own. Sounds like she wants to maybe resell these coins to make money on them. And she wants to get a job to do as she pleases with her own money. Maybe she's starting not to like that she's completely financially dependent on you.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

I could be wrong but to me it sounds like your wife is starting to want money of her own. Sounds like she wants to maybe resell these coins to make money on them. And she wants to get a job to do as she pleases with her own money. 

Agree. she may be saving money to get divorced.

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. she may be saving money to get divorced.

Lol Well not necessarily to divorce but she might be sick of having no money of her own and to ask permission to have what she wants. I mean sometimes people do want something very expensive because it's valuable to THEM and to be denied that obviously doesn't feel good. For example, my Mum is really into dogs but my Dad isn't. He's fairly indifferent towards them. My Mum has mainly been a housewife or working minimally and my Dad has always been the one earning money. My Mum spent $2000 to buy her dog , spends a lot on dog food (big dog), dog insurance, dog toys, the dog had knee surgery for a few thousand dollars, and so on. Dad basically pays for all this and he's not even into dogs because he knows Mum really wants to have a dog. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

she might be sick of having no money of her own and to ask permission to have what she wants.

The first step in extricating oneself from a controlling relationship is to stash away money. An in this case it's a great idea.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The first step in extricating oneself from a controlling relationship is to stash away money. An in this case it's a great idea.

Is she being controlled? Why is she not working? Most women who help run a household and have a child, still find ways to make money on their own. Her husband may be financially more stable, but that doesn't mean she can't be productive and earn her own money.

Edited by SherrySher
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Is she being controlled? Why is she not working? Most women who help run a household and have a child, still find ways to make money on their own. Her husband may be financially more stable, but that doesn't mean she can't be productive and earn her own money.

I agree. Also the daughter is only a one-year-old but the wife hasn't worked for eight years. Why is that? When she wasn't a stay at home Mum she easily could have been working.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I agree. Also the daughter is only a one-year-old but the wife hasn't worked for eight years. Why is that? When she wasn't a stay at home Mum she easily could have been working.

I mean, even if she doesn't want to work outside her house, there are so many options now for stay at home moms to make a few extra dollars for their own money. Selling different things like Scentsy, Avon or what have you.

It can put dollars in her pocket so she doesn't rely so heavily on her husband.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

It was his money to do as he chooses and I am in a one down position and should be grateful that he supports me. 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Feel like I just watched some B&W 1950s sitcom.

Yes, the work of a 'housewife' is still viewed as socially and financially worthless. More of a burden than an asset. There is a ceiling on the value of a housewife because she is viewed as an entitled child, and not as an adult. She is worth the same as any wife in any income bracket, no matter what her husband can afford.

 

Edited by Jibralta
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, the work of a 'housewife' is still viewed as socially and financially worthless. More of a burden than an asset. There is a ceiling on the value of a housewife because she is viewed as an entitled child, and not as an adult. She is worth the same as any wife in any income bracket, no matter what her husband can afford.

 

But why would women allow themselves to be in that position then? I understand how tough it can be for the first year with a child. I've been there. There is no leeway for working elsewhere.

However, this woman has been married and doing what..? all these years? Yes, running a household is work, however, you can't tell me that she couldn't have gotten a part time job to try to earn her own money.

I would never..and I mean, never....put myself in a position where I relied on a man to dole out money to me.

I would rather be financially independent and work for my own money, I don't care how much money he has.

I personally think the dynamic is off due to her not wanting to work and feeling entitled to sit around all day while spending her husbands money.

That's just sad.

Edited by SherrySher
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

54 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I mean, even if she doesn't want to work outside her house, there are so many options now for stay at home moms to make a few extra dollars for their own money. Selling different things like Scentsy, Avon or what have you.

I

After this last event of him telling her no,  she is now looking for employment and he's not happy about that either. I didn't read that she didn't want to work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, reinventmyself said:

After this last event of him telling her no,  she is now looking for employment and he's not happy about that either. I didn't read that she didn't want to work.

I missed the bit about him not wanting her to work. Yes, that is controlling. She is her own person, despite being your wife. She's not an employee or a slave.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Buying coins for 1000x the floor value of their legal tenure and grossly marked up from what the actual commodity backing it is currently valued at is about as boomer as a bad investment idea gets in 2021.  Literally the worst of what both fiat and commodities have to offer. And no, neither my wife nor myself would assume a conscientiously defensible right to make the decision to drop $4,000 of our joint assets into any.  That's hardly either of us lording over the other. 

Now in fairness to your wife, there's a lot going on where people are understandably concerned about the sustainability of current market mechanics, so hopefully you're not effectively just telling her she's stupid for having the idea.  But either of you being uncomfortable with putting such a large sum of shared money into it should be sufficient without involving a philosophical debate over the patriarchy. 

Getting more to the actual meat of the issue, if she's saved up enough of her discretionary spending to buy them and she just likes the idea of spending $4,000 to have a couple shiny coins in the safe, that should be her prerogative.  Or if she feels the division of discretionary funds is unequal or otherwise needlessly burdensome given your relative level of financial comfort, that's its own subject to be broached.  I'm not getting the impression that you're opposed to her having a job and a direct means for her own income, but if so, yeah, drop that **** most rikki tik .  

Edited by j.man
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

49 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I would never..and I mean, never....put myself in a position where I relied on a man to dole out money to me.

After what I saw my mom go through, and after what my sister and I went through as a result, neither would I. That's because there's no respect for mothers. You can tell, because child support is a joke. In fact, as a result of that harsh lesson, I've spent my entire life making sure that I would always be financially independent, never dependent on a man, or on this system.

If I could trust the system, if I knew that I would be allowed to raise my child to adulthood without fear of being cast off at any time as some financial parasite, I probably would have had children. As a mother, I would want to devote myself completely to the raising of my children at my children's pace, at my own pace. Not be subordinate to some arbitrary societal valuation of that effort. I think that's the right of a mother, and since I can't have that right, there will be no children from me. 

I am lucky, because after all my mom, sister, and I went through, I was still able to learn how to respect men, and I was thus able to find a wonderful, loving, equitable relationship. My sister has not been so resilient. She has basically cast off all men and will do everything for herself. That is a hard road.

When I was going through my licensing exams, my boyfriend took over all of the 'women's work' around the house. I can't tell you how helpful that was to me in accomplishing my goals. I honestly think I may never have gotten my license if it hadn't been for that seemingly modest support from him. Gentle, unassuming background support that eases the mind and creates peace in the home. It is so easy to take for granted. And it made me realize how undervalued the traditional role of a woman actually is. This work has a significant value to me.

I am also lucky that I've never had the driving need for children that would have caused me to push for marriage and family. It was always a 50/50 thing to me at best. I am perfectly content without children. BUT if I felt like it was possible to be a mom without also worrying that the rug could be ripped out from underneath me at the whim of my husband, I would have considered motherhood more seriously.

 

 

Edited by Jibralta
  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

34 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

BUT if I felt like it was possible to be a mom without also worrying that the rug could be ripped out from underneath me at the whim of my husband, I would have considered motherhood more seriously.

Honestly, I don't blame you. It can be like that, yes, well, with anything where you rely on someone else for your livelihood. You give someone else that power, you're now vulnerable for many disasters.

It's not a good scene.

But I do have to say, there are a lot of good men out there still that do respect women, do treat them fairly and are supportive not only emotionally but financially, despite who is working.

I also agree that the work women do, in home or elsewhere is most definitely undervalued. Home being the main problem. I am not one of those women that feel it's easy to run a household where women sit around watching tv all day.

I know how hard it is to get bills paid, keep a clean house, get groceries, laundry, meals, children...it truly is work from sun up to sun down.

But I also hope women plan properly to never be at the mercy of a man either where her hands are tied when it comes to even having a few dollars of her own, or having to ask, or worse yet...beg.

Build up their own bank account first before getting into a serious relationship. Finding ways to earn money even while working out of home.

Scentsy, Avon are a few choices, but there are more. Telemarketing from home, data entry, and so on.

Making your own money is always the smart choice. Because unfortunately, there are no guarantees that a man will do the right thing and look after you, even after years of marriage.

 

Edited by SherrySher
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is one side Jib which is completely true and valid. However, you acknowledge there is another side too, right? It depends on the individuals, the dynamics in the couple and the income of the breadwinner in the family. If the breadwinner is poor or leech yes sure, if the breadwinner is rich the roles reverse. 

Personally I wouldn't trust a woman who does not work before she has children or when the children are old enough. I am not saying my opinion is right or valid, I am saying what I think. Now, both my parents always worked, both my grandfathers and grandmothers always worked, there was never a stay-at-home person (man or woman) in my family so I guess I had different role models. 

 

Edited by dias
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think its very important for both partners to feel they contribute and have their money to do as they see fit. Even if it's just a small amount they both get out of the household budget.

Wayyy back when little Lambert was a kid, mom didn't work, dad did. They worked out a household budget together.  And each of them had their allowance for their own use. Dad likely had more, as he was the one bringing the money in.  I mean if he spent more who really knew.

But the one thing they did, that I think was smart was... in the budget they agreed to  how much could be spent on groceries or stuff mom needed to buy for the household... and anything she spent under the budgeted amount was hers to keep. 

I think they were happy with that arrangement... she didn't have to ask him for little extras. She was a thrifty house keeper and I learned a lot from her... budgeting, making things work, the value of a buck.

Edited by Lambert
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 minutes ago, dias said:

This is one side Jib which is completely true and valid. However, you acknowledge there is another side too, right? It depends on the individuals, the dynamics in the couple and the income of the breadwinner in the family. If the breadwinner is poor or leech yes sure, if the breadwinner is rich the roles reverse. 

Personally I wouldn't trust a woman who does not work before she has children or when the children are old enough. I am not saying my opinion is right or valid, I am saying what I think. Now, both my parents always worked, both my grandfathers and grandmothers always worked, there was never a stay-at-home person (man or woman) in my family so I guess I had different role models. 

 

Trust??  I brought my nest egg into my marriage so I could raise our son - what we both wanted - and continued to make income on my investments and had my nest egg so at age 42 after working 15 years plus I insisted on contributing monthly to expenses.  It wasn't asked for or expected.  But I wanted to, and I did, monthly.  

 We both wanted me to be home full time and we did not have family help, my husband worked way more than full time and also was pursuing another degree plus he traveled a lot so I solo parented a lot.  I cannot imagine what a full time nanny would have cost.  I wouldn't have trusted any man who thought that a woman who chose to work inside the home raising a child was somehow taking advantage- it was hard work, long, unpredictable hours -no regrets at all.  I don't think it matters totally what someone's parents and grandparents did -I am an adult and while of course I looked to my past and family to make my decision I also made my own decision -with my husband -based on our own, independent values.  The parent who is at home full time -if that is the set up -man or woman -is working his or her behind off unless there is signfiicant family help (meaning free help). And even then it's still really hard work.

You do you but wow - the "trust" comment really got to me.  I was ready to go back when he was 5.  It took me over a year to find the right situation so we wouldn't have to get too much extra help.  I did - so we were able to make it work on one day of after school and later, two days.  As far as money we checked in with each other on large $ purchases or large purchases for our living space -meaning a new TV or the like.  And we checked in with each other when our parents wanted to make larger purchases for our son (mostly his) -because even though we weren't paying for it it had to do with what material things we thought he should have, when, etc.  It's all part of financial communication IMHO.

For the OP -I wouldn't trust if she's supposed to check with him but he's not supposed to check with her.  And I think Wiseman wisely posted that this sounds fishy -like she's trying to save up her own $ to get away somehow.  I wouldn't rule it out.

I think it's really important if at all possible for the stay at home parent to have her own $ -whether that is from working before the baby was born or whatever.  If at all possible.  My dear friend didn't -was home with 4 kids for 20 years - and when  the marriage was in trouble after about 15 years I begged her to get some part time work, something to start saving $.  She didn't and paid dearly for it -her kids are all adults and she still struggles financially.

Edited by Batya33
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, dias said:

Now, both my parents always worked, both my grandfathers and grandmothers always worked, there was never a stay-at-home person (man or woman) in my family so I guess I had different role models. 

Yes.

I don't know much about my dad's side, but on my mom's side I know that my grandmother did work at one point. She was well educated, and spoke fluent Greek, French, and English. She actually got married later in life than what was standard back then (circa 1930). But my grandfather made her stop working when they were married--supposedly because she made more money than he did!

Even though my grandmother was educated, and even though she found success when she worked, one of the first things I remember her teaching me as a little kid was how to make a bed. And she was a real perfectionist about it. Funny thing about that is, when I stay with family friends who are Greek, they laugh about the bed-making thing because they know the mentality.

I'm sure things are more modern in Greece now, but I grew up with vestiges from another time.

My mom completed some sort of a technical degree and worked in a lab while she was married to my dad. They were married for eight years before my sister and I were born. After my sister and I were born, my mom started taking night classes. My dad sabotaged her effort by not coming home at night. So, my mom had to drop out of the program because she had no one to watch us. She was basically forced to be a stay-at-home mom. 

This was something that she felt ashamed about, and could not bring up to her parents. My mom was brought up to defer to the man. Perhaps this is because my grandmother was brought up that way, as well. Somewhere deep down, despite the fact that this family had a pretty strong matriarchal structure, this was their default disposition.

After their divorce, my mom had to hack her way back into the job market while raising two adolescent girls by herself. She made no money because she had no training. It was not easy for us.

I don't know much about my dad's upbringing, other than it was chaotic. His mom died when he was 9, his dad became the town drunk. My dad and his siblings lost all of their teeth because they were so poor. 

So, yes. Different role models. Plus, when I was growing up, so many kids were raised by single mothers and had absentee fathers. And we all knew what mischievous little shts we were. It just seemed like you couldn't get a break as a mom. 

Edited by Jibralta
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sure things are more modern in Greece now, but I grew up with vestiges from another time.

I also think that immigrants tend to cling to what they know, like anyone who finds themselves in a strange place, surrounded by strange people. They banded together and repeated the old customs. They became 'frozen,' in a way. If they had remained in Greece, they probably would have become more progressive. But as strangers in a strange land, they closed ranks and became insular and protective. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly Jib, I was surprised to read you think mothers have a right to being financially provided for in order for them to care full time for their children.

I think once that idea changes - that women that marry and/or have children are entitled to not financially providing for themselves and their children at their discretion - is when there will be a shift in valuing domestic and unpaid childcare. 

I don't think anyone, man or woman, is entitled to being financially cared for by others. I think part of parenthood is taking on that responsibility of being financially viable to raise your kid(s) and also the childcare and domestic work. 

For OP, I think the fact he's been supporting her for 8+ years, it's safe to say she's very comfortable being a dependent and he's comfortable being with someone who is dependent on him. Recipe for disaster and lack of respect and trust IMO. Recipe for him to be another "my wife isn't happy and is taking me to the cleaners" in the future too. And thry will both feel like they are the one who was screwed lol. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Honestly Jib, I was surprised to read you think mothers have a right to being financially provided for in order for them to care full time for their children.

Not that they have a right, but that their work is worth a lot more than what they get in our society.

Edited by Jibralta
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...