Three years later, still feel haunted by a past girlfriend

[Varsanabaum]

2 hours ago, doughnutboy9 said:

In many ways you are right. So I'll try my hand. I want a family. I want someone that I can have that family with, and a career to support that family. That didn't happen with my parents, they divorced when I was 14. I've seen what happened to my parents when two people make a family with someone they didn't entirely love in every aspect, but "accepted" each other's flaws. They made a family they didn't know they wanted, and my father has spent years and years alone working tireless on a career that he doesn't need the money for. I don't want someone that can just be a good mother, I want someone who I know will bring out a prosperous team to make that family happen and to make my efforts towards a career In society meaningful and worthwhile. 

I want a family with someone that truly brings out the fight and good in me to do good things in the world. That's all I've ever wanted. I was convinced I would have that with this girl, and no one I've ever met gave me as much vigor for life and achieving goals as when every time I looked at her then, and every word we spoke during that time. She had a smile I'd work dangerous labor for just to see. The only explanation I had at the time we met is that the universe, God or otherwise had made us for a perfect match, which made the detachment even more confusing in my reality. If you won't take the answer of "I don't know" then I have no other answer to give on why her and no one else I've met (or any previous relationship) has come close to fulfilling every possible thing I wanted in a companion. The thought of even searching for those things in someone else is completely irrelevant in my view, there is only one person for every one soul, there are no duplicates. There is not billions of copies of this woman, there are billions of women, but many taken, many increasing single mothers, many distasteful ones as well, brought up by our effed up self indulgent culture. The idea that someone can say there's billions of other people and that somehow means you'll find someone better is laughably decimal. 

The ask of finding a needle in a hay stack is more disappointing and demoralizing than it is inspiring in challenge. The answer following this will be "you're looking for someone too perfect" but if I met what I felt was perfect before and lost it, what good will settling for something less than perfect be when all I think about it how to replace what was lost. 

I have 0 hope of being with this woman, I have not tried nor ever tried to re-establish any relationship otherwise because of that. On the front end I also have 0 proof to myself that another woman will make me feel the same way, or bring out as many good things in my being that were there before. To take that and say that means Im still holding on to a chance to recontinue that relationship is childish and obnoxious, and I've scolded myself for even brief contemplation of that before. The fact is I have no hope for anything else, really. 

My answer is still the same as my original post, I don't know what to do.

 

[Wiseman2]

The medications for bipolar disorder are vastly improved. However you like the highs, as uncomfortable as they may be.

For example your posts are a run away train of maniacal righteousness and self appointed genius.

That certainly feels better than the lows or all the mixed episodes. 

Doctors are idiots and medical treatment is garbage. Ok.

And the sole source of your dysphoria is some breakup from years ago. Ok then.

One day you'll get exhausted from the bipolar roller coaster. But getting your health and your life in order is your call and your job, no one else's.

 

[doughnutboy9]

13 hours ago, No1 said:

 

Just one question... Are you worried that you will turn out like your father and be aimless and without purpose? He is on his own path and doesnt mean thats your path. You carve your own out.  

Somehow I don't believe that. I've seen good kids turn ***ty just like their parents through no working force on them. I think we're destined to live much of what our parents live whether we try to or not, that's just the matter of genetics. There's twins separated at birth that end up as adults with similar jobs, similar houses, similar cars, so why would I be able to carve out my own? I'm sure you can make a different history to your life than your parents if you really tried, but their DNA is still your DNA, what made them miserable or happy will make you miserable or happy, and my father is very unhappy in hi life. The only best suicidal suppressant thought I have is his time and money he's put into me,  although it seems unfair. 

In relation to my father I know he loves me and that's where all the trouble went, but neither he nor my mother wanted my pregnancy when conceived. I just feel like everything from the start was a damning mistake. 

[boltnrun]

I have not followed in my father's footsteps (he's a deadbeat) nor my mother's.  I have created and followed my own path.

I truly believe we are 100% able to forge our own way and find our own happiness.  That doesn't mean you or anyone else will necessarily agree.  But I find it works great in my own life.

[No1]

now you are talking about nature vs nurture or are you a product of your environment. Lets say you were born into a family of coal miners and your family were coal miners, you live in a town full of coal miners, odds would say you will probably end up as a coal miner because of thats is the environment. Lets say you were born into a family of coal miners but were adopted by a family full of doctors and your new parents were doctors and your family were doctors, are you destined to be a coal miner? 

There are things that you will have from your parents that you just cant control. If they all needed glasses by the time they were 10, odds are you will probably need glasses. 

But if your father isnt happy because of his job, thats not in your dna. Getting married and divorced is not in your DNA. There are some things that are decisions you make vs things you cant control. Needing glasses because your family has a history of bad eyes is something you cant control. Doing things to make you happy is well within your control. 

You have already thought that the odds are just not in your favor. You have resigned from love because you tried a relationship and it didnt work so you figured why waste time. You have resigned from making yourself happy because you think since your dad is not happy, its in your DNA to not be happy. 

But what you dont see is that in a reply, you posted what you wanted. You want to be happy, be in a great relationship and you actually posted that. So the desire is there. That guy that wants that is within you. All you have to do is just go out and earn it. Depression has a way of finding you, happiness has be sought. The choice of your happiness is up to you.