dating Did I mess it up? He suddenly ignores me..

[Marie29]

Hi all,

I'm confused I'll tell you my story: I (29) met a nice guy (33), polite, gentle, funny intelligent. We texted a lot and went out two times. We stayed outside because of Corona. He initiated everything, he pursued me and showed real interest (it was not toxic lovebombing).

The following conversation was texting only: He asked me on a third date but because of the lockdown situation here, he invited me over to his place. He said it's just because of the lockdown, he would normally never ask this so early.

I said it sounds so good, but I can not come to his place this early. I joked about there is still a tiny chance he could be a murderer. (It was just a joke..)

I told him I am shy and I don't trust people fast, because the nicest guy can be a bad one and I made a bad experience in the past. He said he understands, but it gives him a bad feeling that I seem to be afraid or think he is not a good guy. He just wants to get to know me.

I said sorry, I didn't want to sound harsh, it's just that I want to keep bad people outside my life, so I have some rules. I will not let people inside easily, especially because my life is a bit chaotic in Corona times. 

I said I am really interested in him and want to get to know him better. He said of course he understands and accepts my boundaries and he is happy to get to know me. I told him thank you and I like that he understands me. I asked about his day and plans for the week to overcome this "heavy" conversation.

And then...nothing. No text, silence, he dropped of the earth for 3 days and still nothing. What's going on? Is this my fault for being so straight forward and honest about my fears? Was I too open and harsh, did I scare him away? I can not believe he ignores me after that 😞 We are adults, this shouldn't scare away a man, or does it?

[Batya33]

He's ignoring you because you basically declined an invitation to have sex with him.  Covid is no reason to go to someone's home before you are comfortable.  When I was ready to be alone with a man either at his place or mine it was wayyyy before I was ready for sex so I would say (not text -say) "I really look forward to seeing you on Thursday and I'm not ready to have sex yet".  That way there were no awkward conversations on the day of the date.  Almost always worked out fine - typically this was the 4th or 5th date. I think you made too many excuses for why you weren't ready - that might have been a bit off putting -next time I'd just  be simple and direct "thanks so much for the invitation and I'm not ready to go to your home yet"  Then suggest an alternative.

[Capricorn3]

I get the feeling that he took your explanation/reasons for not wanting to meet at his place as  you more or less telling him that you weren't really interested in him at all.  I could be wrong of course, but maybe it was a little "too much over-kill"?  I think if you had simply said something like "sorry, it's a little too soon for me to come to your place, but would love to continue to meet outside like we did before" and leave it at that.   

Probably best to leave it be now and wait and see if he contacts you again some time. 

[reinventmyself]

Unfortunately I don't think that you two can overcome this *heavy conversation.

I am all for setting some boundaries and telling someone that you aren't quite ready to come to their home, but you need to remember your safety is entirely your responsibility. 

Your heavy conversation puts some of the burden on him and comes off as a warning.   If you are handling your own personal affairs and choices it's your job to keep yourself out of harms way.  The entire speech may have come off a little off-putting and gives away how afraid and vulnerable you are.   Unfortunately, that isn't attractive to a lot of people

In the future you will appear more attractive to a man if you handle yourself with confidence.  And in the meantime work on trusting that you have what it takes to handle difficult situations so you can forgo the *keep bad people out of my life* speech.  A confident and simple no thankyou, not quite yet is sufficient.  A man wants a woman who can take care herself.  Not one that comes with heavy handed warning signs.

[mg22]

The Guy is a Jerk, He only wanted SEX, if he really wanted to get to know you better he would not ignore you.

[gamon]

Not seeing anything wrong with what you said.

My guess is he was looking for some quick sex and the rejection turned him off.

You probably never had a chance no matter how you worded it.

There's always the possibility he'll still reach out to you and just got busy.

[Marie29]

Thank you all for your answers. It helps me but it makes me sad too. I understand..I thought he must be a jerk too. But reading your answers show me that it was my fault too and I am so shocked. I thought I was an adult woman with boundaries but..I'm just a girl who showed she is afraid.

I just wanted to add that he asked me if I had a bad experience, that's why I told him all that. It was not one "speech" shooting at him, he asked me, so I told him. I thought "good guys" who really have a true interest in me will not be scared away. I'm so stupid for showing my vunerable side. 

[Capricorn3]

For what it's worth, I'll be the odd one out and say that I don't necessarily believe that he was only after sex.  I think it was the "heavy conversation" which put him off.   But who knows, maybe he will contact you again.

[Marie29]

Can we put it like that - if he just wanted sex, I scared him away. But if he was at least a bit interest in ME, he will contact me again after I give him a rest? Haha. I feel so stupid and sad. 

[gamon]

You could also say if he's the sort of guy that runs away when a woman is open and honest with him about her feelings, that he wouldn't be a good fit for you.

 

[Capricorn3]

4 minutes ago, gamon said:

You could also say if he's the sort of guy that runs away when a woman is open and honest with him about her feelings, that he wouldn't be a good fit for you.

 

True, true.  But maybe it was the over-kill factor that spooked him, lol. 

[Marie29]

You are absolutely right. But something inside me hopes, that he is that decent guy who just needs a break after my "speech"..If he never contacts me again he wasn't interested at all. At least I try to believe that...We talked so much about deep things, it's so sad for me to see he ignores me after being a little (too) deep about myself.

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, Marie29 said:

You are absolutely right. But something inside me hopes, that he is that decent guy who just needs a break after my "speech"..If he never contacts me again he wasn't interested at all. At least I try to believe that...We talked so much about deep things, so it's so sad for me to see he ignores me after being a little (too) deep about myself.

Well Marie, that's all you can do.  I do hope it turns out that he was a decent guy too and gets back to you.  In today's mad crazy world we need some happy outcomes.  Good luck. 🙂

 

[Marie29]

Thank you so much, I will keep you up to date here 🙂 Otherwise I will go crazy the next days. I feel so childish and stupid..I still believe there are more decent and good people than bad ones.

[Cherylyn]

I think you dodged a bullet on this one.  Beware of date rape.  You can't prove it after the fact and his defense will be:  "It was consensual."  Either that, or he'll accuse you of being easy or a loose woman.  Never be naive.  It happens and there's nothing you can do about it once the dirty deed was done, unfortunately.  🙁

Always listen to your gut instincts and intuition because it's always correct.  That little voice of reason is within the deep recesses of your brain for your safety's sake.  Those are red flags and alarm bells sounding off for your own protection.  Take heed.  Better safe than sorry.

It was good and smart of you to scare him away.   You averted criminal disaster.

He dropped you like a hot potato because he didn't win sex out of you.  He lost that game.  You were not his easy lay. Therefore, he will move onto his next easy, naive conquest. 

Don't contact him anymore.  This is wisdom gained for you.  This is the worldly world we live in, unfortunately.  Sad but true.

[reinventmyself]

27 minutes ago, Marie29 said:

Thank you so much, I will keep you up to date here 🙂 Otherwise I will go crazy the next days. I feel so childish and stupid..I still believe there are more decent and good people than bad ones.

You seem very vulnerable and there is something very endearing about you.  I am not a man but I think men are somewhat afraid of dealing with someone who gives off the message that they are fragile and people are mean to them.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  But please work on your self confidence some.  I get the sense this guy not returning is a good thing.    You have something about you that a man with bad intentions would otherwise like to take advantage of.   You might be a perfect target for someone with bad intentions.  

So, the firm warnings are all for nothing if you don't have the inner confidence to handle men.  Even bad ones.

I learned along time ago when I was dating and looking around all wide eyed and frightened, scanning the room for trustworthy  men. . .that all that energy was better spent learning to trust myself. 

I learned to trust my intuition, I trusted I could handle difficult situations and I had the confidence to make choices in my own self care.  I didn't need to tell anyone "people are mean to me'   I just sat back and observed.  I knew when to move fwd and when to step back. 

Don't ever forget that the only thing you have control over is yourself.  People WILL disappoint you, but you need to trust that you can handle it, let it roll off and move fwd.

[reinventmyself]

31 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I think you dodged a bullet on this one.  Beware of date rape.  You can't prove it after the fact and his defense will be:  "It was consensual."  Either that, or he'll accuse you of being easy or a loose woman.  Never be naive.  It happens and there's nothing you can do about it once the dirty deed was done, unfortunately.  🙁

Always listen to your gut instincts and intuition because it's always correct.  That little voice of reason is within the deep recesses of your brain for your safety's sake.  Those are red flags and alarm bells sounding off for your own protection.  Take heed.  Better safe than sorry.

It was good and smart of you to scare him away.   You averted criminal disaster.

He dropped you like a hot potato because he didn't win sex out of you.  He lost that game.  You were not his easy lay. Therefore, he will move onto his next easy, naive conquest. 

Don't contact him anymore.  This is wisdom gained for you.  This is the worldly world we live in, unfortunately.  Sad but true.

Sorry. . .I don't usually debate opposing views.. . and he may very well be a lech.  But three dates during a pandemic and a guy invites me over, I don't make that leap to possibly being raped.

I am pretty capable of handling myself. . along with being conservative and moving slowly, depending on the vibe I got from him, I might have gone to his house.

I only say this because this poster appears to go about dating with the *please don't hurt me* sign around her.   Suggesting she was going to raped might not be helpful.

She might be better served working on her self esteme some.

That's all.  My  apologies.  I don't like challenging opposing views 

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Sorry. . .I don't usually debate opposing views.. . and he may very well be a lech.  But three dates during a pandemic and a guy invites me over, I don't make that leap to possibly being raped.

I am pretty capable of handling myself. . along with being conservative and moving slowly, depending on the vibe I got from him, I might have gone to his house.

I only say this because this poster appears to go about dating with the *please don't hurt me* sign around her.   Suggesting she was going to raped might not be helpful.

She might be better served working on her self esteme some.

That's all.  My  apologies.  I don't like challenging opposing views 

Note OP Marie29's, "nice guy" never bothered to contact her again after she declined to a date inside his apartment.  He suddenly lost interest in her which says a lot.

Sorry, I don't quite agree with you either.  Unfortunately, I have a few girlfriends who've been victims of date rape after they thought they knew the guy from social settings and being with them in public several times.  Granted, not all apartment encounters end up in date rape but unfortunately, it happens more often than we care to realize because you cannot prove it which is the problem.  All you can do is live with it after the fact.

I have one girlfriend who thought she was invited to a guy's apartment for a coffee chat.  Apparently, he had other designs in mind which caught her totally off guard.  She was able to escape the lech by running around his apartment, run around the couch, run around his living room, jump on the bed, leap off the bed and out the door with her very life!  She told me that she trusted the guy because he was soft spoken and kind at lectures on their college campus.  She was in for a rude awakening.   

I'm glad you are capable of handling yourself.  Not everyone is so lucky and fortune as you.  Some men physically over power and not all women are capable of fleeing. 

It's better to be aware of being vulnerable, at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong man.  Naivete gets women into trouble.  Date rape is avoidable and preventable if women err on the side of caution.

Better safe than sorry. 

 

[poorlittlefish]

Any decent guy, especially during these times, should understand why a woman they barely know might feel uncomfortable about going back to their house. If he can't put himself in your shoes or have the balls to let you know what his problem is, then forget about him. 

[Marie29]

Thank you all for your messages (and warnings). Yes, there is a possibility he is a bad guy, absolutely. I only met him twice so I know nothing about him. My gut tells me he is decent, but has some other options, so he can just drop the "strange shy girl"..

Well, you read my character perfectly and you only know me through a few texts. I'm the nice, soft, endearing woman who looks like Bambi. I know that I'm a perfect target, that's why I built up that safety fence,haha. I didn't know I did it the wrong way. I thought it would show confidence. I thought it would scare away bad men and men who are really interested in me will stay..

I overlooked that I need to sharpen my instincts and trust myself. It's not good to tell people "I'm afraid to get hurt", it shows the opposite of what I wanted to show and I'm so angry that I couldn't see that before!

Still..he asked me about my bad experience. I told him and yes, it got me too emotional, I get that. It just hurts that he ghosts me after that.

[Cherylyn]

A lot of guys look decent.  Unfortunately, a lot of them also have the "Jekkyl and Hyde" personality.  A lot of guys seem decent superficially, socially, in public and if you don't know them that well yet.  Then, when you're with them in private, it's a different story.  Beware.  Never let your guard down.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Marie29 said:

 He said he understands, but it gives him a bad feeling that I seem to be afraid or think he is not a good guy. 

Unfortunately it seems like you are not ready to date. 

"Could be a murderer"? Seriously? How insulting. Don't give guys the "I'm not that type of girl" rant when they haven't even touched you!

If you do an in home date because of whether, Covid,etc. You drive yourself, you stay sober and you leave at a reasonable hour or if you don't like how it's going.

Not surprising he deleted your number. Next time be polite and knock off the nasty accusations and lecturing about your inner problems.

A date is a yes or no situation. Not an opportunity to go off on someone.

With respect, you seem a lot scarier than he does.

[Cherylyn]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you do an in home date because of whether, Covid,etc. You drive yourself, you stay sober and you leave at a reasonable hour or if you don't like how it's going.

 

If you don't like how it's going, he may not always "let" you leave.  😵 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If you don't like how it's going, he may not always "let" you leave.  😵 

That's right. Axe murders like this usually chain thier victims down before hacking them to death. 

In fact they probably would prefer all the neighbors to notice. After all where would Hitchcock be without such great thinking?

[Marie29]

Haha, Wiseman has a point 🙂 It's  true and I understand that I came off as too difficult and strange. Even if I was clearly just joking about it and didn't say he could be a murderer seriously. It showed I'm too emotional, shy and not ready. I see that now so thanks for another opinion.