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I've been dating a guy and it's serious. I can see myself staying with him for a long time but I feel I may regret not dating more people in college and experimenting. How do I reconcile my happiness with my current relationship with my doubt?


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So I have boyfriend and we are in a LDR. He's almost 1,500 miles away from one another. He truly is the sweetest guy and I know deep down in my heart that he's very special and I can see myself being with him for a very very very long time. It had been going great. We lasted the first 3 months with no problems. Then he came home for 2 months and those were the best 2 months of our lives. We were inseparable and spent very waking minute together. He's been gone for almost 3 1/2 weeks now. We have been talking everyday and its been amazing. Just recently I have been starting to go out with my friends here in college and none of them have boyfriends. I see them partying (I do too) but they are able to be free and reckless. Ever since I saw their freedom I kind of have been wondering what it would be like. I started thinking and I guess my boyfriend caught on that I have been acting different so I told him I would like some space. I instantly regretted my decision, but I also haven't  given myself a chance to experiment. Is the experimentation in college worth it? He told me to take as much time as I need and that he's not upset with me. He told me he loves me too much to ever get upset or angry with me. That broke my heart because I feel I may have just lost the best guy I've ever met in my entire life. He keeps checking in with my friends to remind them to make sure I am ok. He told me he will always love me and to reach out whenever I want. He said when I come to my decision, if I cohoe t stay with him he will forget all of this ever happens because all he wants in the world is to just be with me. And if I choose to stay away for a little while he will still love me because he believes im the one. Bottom line is I feel I may have made a mistake and that experimentation might be overrate but I have yet to try it. Should I reach out its only been 24 hours and I'm dying without him? If I reach out I feel it will just confuse him. A part of me still wants to go out and have fun to see how I like that life in college, but another part of me wants to stay in wallow in my decision. I also have been non stop crying I just feel I have hurt him even though he says I haven't hurt him. I feel guilty too because I honestly juts young and confused about what I want. PLEASE HELP!!

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 I feel I may regret not dating more people in college and experimenting. 

 

23 minutes ago, anonymous9921324 said:

That broke my heart because I feel I may have just lost the best guy I've ever met in my entire life.

I doubt you lost him.. you just pulled away.  He said he'd still be there.

 

23 minutes ago, anonymous9921324 said:

. It had been going great. We lasted the first 3 months with no problems. Then he came home for 2 months and those were the best 2 months of our lives. We were inseparable and spent very waking minute together. He's been gone for almost 3 1/2 weeks now.

You have only been involved for 3 months, then he came back from away- stayed 2 mos?  So have you two been involved half a year only?

Maybe YOU feel you are lacking something?  Missing something?

 

23 minutes ago, anonymous9921324 said:

I see them partying (I do too) but they are able to be free and reckless. Ever since I saw their freedom I kind of have been wondering what it would be like.

If you DO go out with your friends (party etc)- what is it you mean ..'experimentation'?

..

IMO, if someone feels they may 'regret' something, means the itch is there... so they are possible NOT as happy as could be.

 

Edited by SooSad33
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I think you’ve done the right thing in stepping back from your relationship.

Here’s the thing. Life comes in chapters, and some chapters you can go back and relive, but some you can’t. I will go out on a limb and say most young women (not all) are interested in finding their life partner and building a life together. That’s all well and good, I was one of those too, but if you end up being one of the young women who finds their partner at a young age, you can’t decide later to go back and try the things you missed out on, at least not without giving up your partner.

Once you’ve established a secure, long term relationship, you can’t just decide that you want to experience some casual dating because you never got to. Once you’ve become comfortable living with a partner, you can’t just say that you’d like to get your own apartment because you never got to live on your own. Once you have a family, it’s very difficult to be able to go traveling or exploring on your own. Those things are literally not an option anymore, unless you give up your partner/family.

This is why it is so important to recognize the chapter you’re in, and get all you want out of it. You will not ever get to experience this chapter of your life again. If you’re feeling pulled to have the college experience, then you should do that. The chapter for “the one” can still come later, this one can’t. You may have ended up feeling resentment toward your boyfriend, not that he’s at fault, but he would be the reason you missed this part of life. You may have ended up dabbling in the college life and doing something to damage your relationship. But instead, you’ve done the right thing. You’ve created the space for you to live this part of your life and you spared your boyfriend any drama (you didn’t cheat, drag out a break up, lead him on). Because of that, maybe you can revisit a relationship with him once you’ve grown through some life over the next few years.

You will never be this young again. Go live, meet people, take classes, go on trips...go find out who you want to be. Men will always be there. Once you’ve conquered what your heart desires, you know who you are and what you want both from a partner and in life, you’ll have no trouble writing your next chapter.

ETA: The “college experience” is not just getting drunk and hooking up. It’s taking classes that you find interesting, meeting cool people at parties and forming strong friendships, creating memories, learning to navigate your own freedom, learning your likes and dislikes...it’s so much more than just booz and boobs.

Edited by indea08
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You're lucky. Your BF could have taken offense and told you to never come back.

This guy sounds more secure than that.

You have the freedom to do what you want. Work through what, if anything, you may want to do with it. If you decide over time that you're not really all that interested in it once you gained the mental safety net of knowing you can have that freedom, then that would be the time to report back to BF how you learned this.

If you go crying back before then, is that really credible? How would either of you trust that you wouldn't just feel restless again over time?

Head high, take the time to think this through, and you will thank yourself later.

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Why did you get into a relationship in the first place?  Just seeing other young people being single changed your mind about being in a relationship at your age?

Figure yourself out before you jerk your bf around anymore.  I would like you to say to all of us exactly what you want to "experiment" with.   Random one night stands?  Flirting with guys and making out?  Dating several guys at once?  Be real and stop using euphemism's, just say it, you aren't talking to your bf.

As far as your bf goes if this is what you want to do then you need to set him free and tell him not to wait for you.  He needs to hear you say you intend on dating other guys.  He sounds like a good guy, maybe to good for his own sake so do him a favor by breaking up properly so you can go off and fool around all you want knowing he is fully aware of the situation.  Telling him you need space is not the same as "I want to be free to do what I want with who I want" 

Be straight with yourself and then straight with him.  If he meets someone new that knows what she wants then sure there will be some regrets on your part but at least he is happy and you won't have any guilt over misleading him.

Lost

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If you want to experiment, then let him go.  It's not fair to him that his heart is more invested in you than you are into him.  Cut him loose so he can be with a lady who doesn't have any doubts about him nor has desires to experiment with other guys on campus. 

If you are unsure and uncertain about this guy, then experiment with other guys because there is a pull to do so.  Both of you should be free to do what he and you want ~ separately. 

Btw, I've never regretted finding "thee one."  He is the love of my life, I'm happily married with two great sons.  No regrets whatsoever.  When I found my husband, I felt as if I had won the lottery.  I feel very lucky and blessed.

Jerks are a dime-a-dozen and so common every which way you look.  True rare gems are keepers and just like finding a needle in a haystack. 

 

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I have been in the same situation before. Loved 3 hours away. What made me move on was that my boyfriend didn’t have a direction and just drifted in school. I was on my final year of graduation and wanted an adult relationship with someone who was about to be financially ready.

The guys I dated did not seem to be the kind of people I wanted to settle for. Meanwhile, the ex-boyfriend realized he had majorly F-ed up by losing me and by taking school seriously - he changed his tune by transferring into med school and became a registered ER Nurse.

We reconnected at a mutual friends party. Got married after 10 years of dating due to the distance of school/careers

 

I’m not saying the same will or will not we happen to you. What mattered was making a solid game plan of moving out of a LDR. If you all don’t have any plans to move closer, then make a clean break from this relationship. I agree with Lost that it is not fair to the guy you are seeing to jump back and worth - have a one night stand and then be together with another man. 

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I've never believed in "space." Either you work on issues together or break up. You two don't have a couple's issue to work on. It's the distance and your need to sow wild oats before becoming serious with someone that's the issue.

If anyone ever said to me they need space from me like I'm toxic fumes, I'd reply: Yes, take all the time you need, like forever.

Because a person who truly loves you and can't imagine their lives without you would never risk losing the person by telling them they need space.

I'm sure you were infatuated and you care about him, but it's not enough. He sounds like a nice guy, but it also is a red flag to me that he's all forgiving, says he'll always love you, checks with your friends about you, and is okay with everything on your terms. Sometimes that type of person has placed you on some pedestal, made his whole life revolve solely on you, like a puppy dog always there dancing around your heels. A people pleaser who you might've grown weary of eventually.

Take heed when you don't feel 100 percent confidence on being with someone. There are pros and cons to each of the decisions to stay or go. Sometimes writing columns of each decision and a list of pros and cons for each will help you to see things more clearly in writing. Life is hard with lots of difficult decisions to make. Once you make the decision, embrace it and don't second-guess. Good luck and keep us updated.

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