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A guy I date teases me but won't have sex


lily241253

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Hey!

English isn't my first language so please pardon the mistakes 😁

I've been talking to this guy for over a month now and we saw each other a couple of times. I stayed over at his appt 2 times, I really appreciate his friends/roommates and vice versa, he stayed at my place too, everything's good and normal here. We really get along, we have the same energy, humor, goofiness, etc. 

The thing is we never had sex with penetration. The first time was because I was on my periods. I also never have unprotected sex with people I don't know or trust and he knows it. When we are in the same bed we kiss, foreplay, he goes down on me, I go down on him etc. He's always extremely excited but never asks for more.

When I asked him why (because I was VERY horny) he told me he really doesn't like to wear condoms (side note: I don't like when guys say that smh). But he never tried to have unprotected sex with me, he's really thoughtful and never asked me to do smth he knew I didn't want to do. He told me he would get tested and I told him that even if he does that, it implies that he will need to have protected sex with other people he sees and I feel bad about that because his body his choice and I don't want him to force himself to wear condoms.

This is when the weird answer arrives: "I use condoms with other girls but I really don't feel like using them with you"

1- Bull*** and ***boi move?

2- It's true and he wants smth more meaningful?

3- He hooks up on the side (which I don't care about) and doesn't feel the need to have sex with me immediately?

4- Smth else?

Thanks in advanceeee for your help 💜

Lily

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That remark would confuse me too.  But having said that we can assume you two haven't talked about exclusivity.  So, if the thought of him having sex with others makes you uncomfortable, I'd dial this back until you get a better idea what this guy's all about.

Seeing you are ok getting naked with him, you should be able to talk to him about this, right?

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2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

That remark would confuse me too.  But having said that we can assume you two haven't talked about exclusivity.  So, if the thought of him having sex with others makes you uncomfortable, I'd dial this back until you get a better idea what this guy's all about.

Seeing you are ok getting naked with him, you should be able to talk to him about this, right?

I highlighted the parts I'm answering 🙂

1. I really don't mind if he sees other people, my only concern is my own health and it's the reason why I want to have protected sex. What he does on the side is not my business and I don't want it to be. I would just like to understand why he said that thing...

2. Yes I tried, his only answer was "I don't like condoms" and then he changed the subject

I do agree with you when you say I should try to get a better idea of what this guy's all about but I'm starting to loose patience, I'm not used to that type of behavior so it confuses me...

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5 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You guys moved pretty fast.   

I would not be interested in a guy that doesn't wear a condom, either.  I can;t believe people still have unprotected sex.      

Yes we did because we're not looking for anything serious rn, I just want to have fun with someone I really get along with (+ my sex drive is high).

That being said, I totally agree with you, I can't believe it's still an option for some people and I do see it as a red flag.

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7 hours ago, lily241253 said:

I go down on him etc. 

This IS "unprotected sex". You can get every STD there is from oral sex from gonorrhea to HIV to herpes.

Get to a clinic/doctor and get tested for STDs. 

He probably doesn't want a girl to claim she is or get pregnant. That's why he's avoiding penetration.

You need to bring your own condoms as well as find reliable contraception.

Consider dating exclusively before risky behaviors.

 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This IS "unprotected sex". You can get every STD there is from oral sex from gonorrhea to HIV to herpes.

Get to a clinic/doctor and get tested for STDs. 

He probably doesn't want a girl to claim she is or get pregnant. That's why he's avoiding penetration.

You need to bring your own condoms as well as find reliable contraception.

Consider dating exclusively before risky behaviors.

 

Thanks for your answer.

I didn't precise that we used condoms for the oral sex but it didn't work out (I won't explain why, I'm sure you can easily get it). I already got tested a few months ago. I also brought condoms evreytime we saw each other + I have an IUD so the pregnancy part is really not the problem.

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10 hours ago, Andrina said:

You don't care about him since you don't care if he has sex with others. So why stick around when you're frustrated? Plenty of guys will be happy to have casual safe sex with you. Go find one of those.

I agree with this...IMO any guy that refuses or complains about having to wear condoms says a lot about his character. Maybe down the road being exclusive for months sure that makes sense to not use them. You barely know this guy tho so why even bother with this nonsense.

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I agree with this...IMO any guy that refuses or complains about having to wear condoms says a lot about his character. Maybe down the road being exclusive for months sure that makes sense to not use them. 

I guess I'm a bad character. I've never used a condom and we're talking a sexual history that spans over 40 yeras and dozens of women. They just never worked for me, it wrecked my mood and softened my penis. Except for a small handful of one nighters over the years I've only had sex in committed exclusive relationships. If they weren't using protection I'd use the pull out method which I know is controversial but it always worked for me.

 

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1 hour ago, gamon said:

I guess I'm a bad character. I've never used a condom and we're talking a sexual history that spans over 40 yeras and dozens of women. They just never worked for me, it wrecked my mood and softened my penis. Except for a small handful of one nighters over the years I've only had sex in committed exclusive relationships. If they weren't using protection I'd use the pull out method which I know is controversial but it always worked for me.

 

That's what is known as Russian Roulette.

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I wouldn't get lost in the what does he mean theories. Just take it at face value - the same way that you're taking the relationship at face value. It's not serious and it's not exclusive.

Whatever he says is just small talk and how he differentiates between you and other women is none of your business so keep it that way (this is mental/emotional gymnastics). Don't go down the rabbithole overthinking that he likes you more etc. The point is that you are not exclusive so continue to take precautions with sex or oral sex. 

If you're feeling uncomfortable around him and dislike that he sees other women, call a spade a spade and don't sleep with him or do anything sexual until being exclusive is on the table. If he's not open to that or you're not open to that, don't have sex with him. Listen to your instincts.

 

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  • 2 months later...

I was shocked beyond shocked to find out that people are really out there having unprotected sex. However, it’s happening. I’ve found that when men say this it’s mostly because they can’t get hard with condoms/ they have ED related issues. It is never truly that “they don’t want to use them with you,” because “you’re special,” or because it “isn’t as intimate.” It’s always their issue masked as something else because they’re insecure. As for why he said that... he’s a fboy. 

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What I would suggest, since you’re comfortable with casual sex, as well as him having it, is finding someone else to have sex with (that you also like of course). It sounds like that’s what he’s doing- having sex with others and just playing around with you- and you’re okay with that...so maybe do the same thing for sexual gratification with someone who values protection the same way you do. Maybe you’ll even like him enough to cut this dude out. 

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1 hour ago, whiteroses3230 said:

I was shocked beyond shocked to find out that people are really out there having unprotected sex. However, it’s happening.

Yes! I had the same experience while I was dating. Guys really didn't seem to care about using a condom!! I thought that was crazy.

Sorry, no effing way. I'll never regret being meticulously careful. I protected myself from the incurables, like AIDS, herpes, and warts (and pregnancy lol!!). AND, something I wasn't aware of at the time: HPV is linked to cervical cancer. So many girls I know ended up contracting HPV and are now at risk for cervical cancer, etc.... I've never, ever had abnormal cells and I am very grateful for one less worry in life!

It doesn't matter why this guy doesn't use condoms (although it definitely points to foolishness). The only thing that matters is that you are putting yourself at risk by having unprotected sex with him. You've known him for a month. He's a stranger, and you don't know his sex habits.

Take care of yourself. You will be glad that you did!

 

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