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I havent spoken to him in 6 months and he wished me happy bday


99prob

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hey,

we were bestfriends for 6 yrs, developed feelings for each and i confessed. However he didn't want a relationship just yet and wouldnt tell me how he felt about me. We ghosted each other and after and hes been constantly asking and talking about me to our mutual friend. he reached out on my bday after no contact for 6 months. he sent it right at midnight which i found odd. I replied saying thank u (:hope ur doing well too. Do u think i did the right thing or I should've ignored it? 

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It  never hurts to be gracious and extremely brief.  I do it all the time with people whom I don't feel particularly close to.  It's called common courtesy and common decency.  It's also called practicing good diplomacy.  In this world, you don't have to love, hate nor like anybody but you can always possess politeness and good manners.  You can always enforce healthy boundaries by taking this route.  No harm no foul. 

I don't think you should've ignored it.  A simple "thank you" was the right thing to do and leave it at that.  You can be kind yet keep a safe distance.  I do it all the time myself.  No more, no less. 

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1 hour ago, 99prob said:

Do u think i did the right thing or I should've ignored it? 

Only knowing you from one paragraph it's hard to determine what you're looking to accomplish and what your goal is here.

It's safe to say that if you didn't care about the guy and had no interest in reconciling you wouldn't be on this forum wondering if your response was appropriate.

Since you are here and you are clearly concerned if you "did the right thing" then I'll jump ahead with the assumption that the breakup was his sole idea and you want to try to get him back, and you're wondering if your response was an effective strategy.

The answer is it doesn't really make all that much difference what you do or say. If this is more than just a passing curiosity on his part, not the old "I wonder what an ex is up to" and he's really thinking about coming back into your life then just play it cool, keep your responses brief and non emotional and see what happens. But don't put too much hope into it.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I think you did the right thing.  
 

why did he cut contact?  

he didnt cut contact. we flirted for about 6 months and we sounded like a couple. we talk everyday and every night till the morning. After him not being able to tell me how he felt when ive asked him, he said it didnt matter and brought up his past experiences. That hurt me and I acted out of line by saying "i deserve better than someone who cant say i like or i dont". he never replied and used to watch my stories on social media so i unfollowed him and removed him. it was harsh on my end but i was deeply hurt.

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3 hours ago, gamon said:

Only knowing you from one paragraph it's hard to determine what you're looking to accomplish and what your goal is here.

It's safe to say that if you didn't care about the guy and had no interest in reconciling you wouldn't be on this forum wondering if your response was appropriate.

Since you are here and you are clearly concerned if you "did the right thing" then I'll jump ahead with the assumption that the breakup was his sole idea and you want to try to get him back, and you're wondering if your response was an effective strategy.

The answer is it doesn't really make all that much difference what you do or say. If this is more than just a passing curiosity on his part, not the old "I wonder what an ex is up to" and he's really thinking about coming back into your life then just play it cool, keep your responses brief and non emotional and see what happens. But don't put too much hope into it.

 

 

ur right. I dont wanna have high expectations then crash and burn. im torn betwee moving on or seeing how things go with him

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's fine. Friends wish each other happy bday and friends respond with thank you. Nothing odd about it.

You were not in a relationship, so "no contact" is not a thing here.

yea i meant to imply that we havent talked at all during those 6 months. but it wasnt just friends, it definitely became more than that with no "label" except nothing physical. the part that bothered me is being led on without a reason

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If he makes you uncomfortable whenever he contacts you and he dredges up bad memories for you, tell him that it's time to go your separate ways and request no contact.  Hopefully, he'll respect and honor your wishes.  If he doesn't, ignore, ghost, block and delete him.

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1 hour ago, 99prob said:

he didnt cut contact. we flirted for about 6 months and we sounded like a couple. we talk everyday and every night till the morning. After him not being able to tell me how he felt when ive asked him, he said it didnt matter and brought up his past experiences. That hurt me and I acted out of line by saying "i deserve better than someone who cant say i like or i dont". he never replied and used to watch my stories on social media so i unfollowed him and removed him. it was harsh on my end but i was deeply hurt.

I don;t think it was harsh, it was a valid question.   I think you are excusing his poor behavior by throwing it back on you.   The fact that you were best friends for 6 years and he ghosted you is terrible.   I think you learned what type of friend he is.   

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3 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I don;t think it was harsh, it was a valid question.   I think you are excusing his poor behavior by throwing it back on you.   The fact that you were best friends for 6 years and he ghosted you is terrible.   I think you learned what type of friend he is.   

thank u for ur insight it rlly helped 🙂

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On 2/9/2021 at 9:38 PM, 99prob said:

but it wasnt just friends, it definitely became more than that with no "label" except nothing physical. the part that bothered me is being led on without a reason

We can't have it both ways: being willing to mess around in an undefined relationship AND deciding that if this doesn't lead to some unspoken outcome then we were somehow led on.

Decide what you want for yourself. Privately. Without projecting that onto anyone specific.

You either define yourself as committed relationship material, or you don't.

If not, take responsibility for your own willingness to navigate undefined territory, and trust that this will often lead you into misunderstandings.

If so, if you DO regard yourself as relationship material, then put that out on the table with every person you meet, and then ask whether they view themselves the same way. If they don't, clearly, as in NO "I don't know...", "Let's play it by ear..." "I'd rather be friends first...", then there is your answer--NOT a good match. NOT a prospect. NOT someone to pin hopes on manipulating into the kind of relationship you envision, and so, if you choose to continue seeing this person, you are doing so at very high risk of ego harm--with no case for claiming to be misled.

We never get any wasted time back to live over again. If you are relationship material, screen out people who are NOT, and adopt the resilience you will need to keep tossing bad matches early. Hold out for the ONE needle-in-the-haystack with whom you enjoy true simpatico of goals, vision and mutual feelings.

Going this clear cut has huge advantages, and you'll thank yourself later for not wasting your time and not breaking your own heart.

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